Not sure if this is normal

[Simpo]

Basically my girlfriend and I broke up and went our separate ways since she felt that she didn't love me as much as she did when we started dating and wants to be friends when she comes back up for uni in August. We tried to talk it out but eventually decided to call it a day and break up but it left me and her completely devastated and we are both hurting badly (we ended up having breakup sex which which a very stupid thing to do and she asked if we could just be friends with benefits but not sure if this was serious or not). When I left she was standing at the window with her hand placed on the glass like something out of a movie and 99% of me wanted to go back inside and just hold her but I had to leave since it was hurting both of us seeing each other so hurt. I haven't spoke to her since we broke up which was just over a week ago but feels so much longer.

Since then I have had a really bad stomach and seems to hurt whenever she crosses my mind which is a lot unfortunately. It has also caused me a serious lack of sleep. I used to be able to sleep from roughly 10pm to 6am but now I only get about 2 possibly 3 hours sleep, if I'm lucky. I can't seem to properly concentrate on tasks either (unsure if this is her or lack of sleep) and can't stop thinking about her and if she is okay or not. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself, I still care about her so much but I told her that I needed time to get over her and try and let my feeling for her fade away so I can't really contact her.

Any advice or anyone experienced a similar pain?

[basilandthyme]

the pain of loss can be an incredibly intense and painful feeling - and yes, what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. Thankfully, the feeling of intense pain will fade. Eventually, all you'll feel for her is indifference.

Do not make the mistake of being friends. It will only make it harder for you to heal, and the friendship will end when one of you finds a new partner anyway. If she desperately wants you as a friend, stand firm and tell her that it's all or nothing.

[Simpo]

the pain of loss can be an incredibly intense and painful feeling - and yes, what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. Thankfully, the feeling of intense pain will fade. Eventually, all you'll feel for her is indifference.

Do not make the mistake of being friends. It will only make it harder for you to heal, and the friendship will end when one of you finds a new partner anyway. If she desperately wants you as a friend, stand firm and tell her that it's all or nothing.

The one problem with stopping being her friend is that we have tickets for WWE in November and we both love wrestling and we paid for our tickets separately so I can't really not go or stop her from going and the only option I can see is to go as friends (I know I could just sell my ticket and not go but I'm looking forward to it and not letting her take that away from me :p) She doesn't drive so she would have to come with me which will make things awkward if we're not friends and to top it off we booked a room at a travel-lodge since it ends about midnight since I didn't want to drive home afterwards due to a 4 hour drive so in a bit of a pickle

[basilandthyme]

Her lack of transport is no longer your problem. Mate, she knew when she was pulling away that there would be negative outcomes from breaking up - and finding her own way to and from an event is part of that.

When it's closer to the date, tell her you can't pick her up because you're not going to be near her house. If you went halves in the travel lodge room, explain that you're uncomfortable sharing with her, buy her half of the room from her and let her sort out her own her own room and transport. If you paid for the room all on your own, then simply tell her she'll need to sort out her own room.

If she's not wanting to be your girlfriend, she can make her own plans. In all likelihood, if you don't cater for her needs she won't bother going and therefore it won't be awkward.

[michelle23]

stop making excuses simpo. You cannot go to that event with her and stay in the same room or travel there together so please sell your ticket and be realistic. Its June-November is 5 months away. If you go no contact from her-you will likely be over her by then and possibly even be ready to meet a new gf.

The pain you are experiencing right now is completely normal. You are grieving and having withdrawal symptoms from her. You just have to stay strong. Like b&t said it is "all or nothing". Do not settle for any little crumb she is willing to give you. If she wants to be friends-say no. Friends with benefits-say no.. All of that will just hurt you more in the long run. If she cannot give you 100% then you tell her-"that is fine but if I cant have all of you, I don't want any of you so goodbye". You have to love yourself more and have the strenght to walk away.

You are doing the right thing with NC right now so keep it that way and you will be fine. Pain is only temporary.

[Simpo]

The annoying thing is that I know you are both right but I just feel I can't do that to her. I know she pretty much broke my heart but at least she explained why she had to break up with me and didn't just leave me in the dark with unanswered questions. In a way it was a good break up and wasn't particularly messy (apart from the break up sex). She was my best friend as well as my girlfriend and she told me that I was the best bf she had ever had and hated herself for breaking up with me since she still cared and loved me and loved spending time with me but wasn't in love with me or ready for a full long term relationship. She basically didn't want to string me along which shows she still cares enough not to play with my heart so I can't just pretend I don't care about her and treat her with no respect if she was nice enough to do that for me.

My problem is that I'm too nice and want everyone to be happy which can be a good trait to have but in this case its a major weakness and flaw. I'm not the sort of person who holds a grudge or can hate someone. I should dislike or even hate her for breaking up with me but she did it with the best intentions which makes me realise she is still a good person.

I think I will need to talk to her about the travel-lodge room issue and make her buy her own room but I feel I should still take her to the event since her uni accommodation is quite close to where I live and the fact that its just a car ride (could just stick her in the boot ). The person I am is the issue and I just can't treat her like a stranger or not think about her feelings but I do appreciate the help and I should follow your advice and in 5 months time I will probably be back on here to say you were right.

I will stick to the no contact but I feel a month or so before the event I should say something to her just to be clear where we stand on the event, no meeting up or being friends or anything like that, strictly what we are doing for the event.

[michelle23]

Simpo we are not saying you should be an ass to her or disrespectful or to hate her. You can still like and respect her as a person and be polite (smile and say hello) if you bump into each other. All we are saying is it is a really bad idea to try and stay friends with her as it will hurt you more in the long run and prevent you from moving on. You could be almost over her in 5 months time and then something happens between you (even just a stupid kiss) and you are right back where you started wondering "could it work this time" etc.

And a lot of young girls do play stupid games-sometimes without even realizing they are doing it. It will piss her off that she is not the centre of attention anymore, that you are not begging her to come back to you etc and then she may send out mixed signals showing signs of jealousy if you go on a date or missing the attention you give her but not really missing you or just wanting what she cant have and then gets you and dumps you again. You need to avoid all of this confusing BS as well.

She doesnt want you but prob doesnt want anyone else to have you either so just bear that in mind if she does start messing with your head. You will need to stay strong and tell her "you broke up with me, its over so please leave me alone"

[HeartIsAching]

But he wants to go, Michelle.

However, there's no reason he can't tell her "sorry, you'll have to find your own ride and work out your own accommodations. I don't want to be your friend." while doing it.

[michelle23]

He could offer to buy her ticket off her and go with someone else..

I just think its a bad idea as IF something happens between them-it will break his heart all over again.

OP if you insist on going with her-separate hotel rooms, very little alcohol and separate car rides is best. Also try and get a few other friends to go so its not just you and her

[Simpo]

He could offer to buy her ticket off her and go with someone else..

I just think its a bad idea as IF something happens between them-it will break his heart all over again.

OP if you insist on going with her-separate hotel rooms, very little alcohol and separate car rides is best. Also try and get a few other friends to go so its not just you and her

I know for a fact that she is really looking forward to the event so buying her ticket probably wouldn't work. I have never been to one before and really want to go even though there is a chance of awkwardness or whatever you want to call it. I know that there is a risk that something small like that could happen but I would lay strict rules down and discuss things with her before we went. I rarely drink and she rarely does either and going to ask her to get her own room.

She is a student so doesn't have a car and although taking her in my car isn't the best solution, I don't mind taking her, its not something im too worried about since its just a case of me driving there, enjoying the event as just friends (if that), then returning to our own rooms and then taking her back to her flat then simply leave and continue on as just friends or distant friends or whatever.

I do have this small feeling that she is the sort of girl that might play mind games but at the same time she usually doesn't know what she wants so that was confusing when we were together. Never knew if she was playing with me or if she honestly didn't know what she wanted.

Tbh I am hoping to try and meet someone before 2014 or at least get some more girl friends since I'm a shy, nerdy (into xbox, movies, tv, not book reading A+ student nerd), quiet but nice sort of guy. I'm not doing it out of spite or to make her jealous but I just like the whole being in a relationship feeling if that makes sense. I wouldn't just enter a relationship to fill the gap though, it would have to be someone I actually get along with and could potentially love not just a rebound. The other problem is trying to meet a nerdy sort of girl since clubs and that tend to have lots of girls wanting either one nighters or looking for "bad boys" not much nerdy girls looking for relationships.

[michelle23]

ok fine. If you insist on going as friends-the key word between now and then is DISTANCE so you can emotionally let go of her and fall out of love. This trip/event is a one time thing where you will be nice to each other and enjoy the show and then go back to being distant friends so you dont fall for her all over again. The one thing you need to do is accept its over and refuse to go back to her even if she starts playing games.

There is nothing wrong with being a nerdy guy. I like intelligent men, plenty women do and I am not into the whole clubbing scene either. I dont see anything wrong with that. Plenty of girls will like and respect that about you. I do think you need to be alone for awhile so you can get over her-give yourself some time and then you can try to meet someone else

[Simpo]

This is just a one off trip to WWE then back to being distant friends. I don't think I will cut all contact with her after WWE but hopefully the experience will let me see what sort of friendship if any that we can have but I am hoping to still have her as a friend at the end of the day but if not then her loss .

Thank you so much you have greatly helped me with most of my problems and I really appreciate it. Just being able to talk to someone about this stuff, really does help.

Out of curiosity where would you "hang out" if your not into the clubbing scene if you don't mind me asking? Theoretically I would like to meet a girl into "nerdy things" and since im not a big fan of going out to clubs then where do i meet someone else who doesn't like going out to clubs ?

[michelle23]

try the library, join an art class, museum, even the zoo. or join a new hobby like guitar lessons for fun. if you are invited on a night out to a bar or something-go. not every person out drinking and clubbing wants a one nighter. i used to go clubbing a lot and never slept around so you could still meet a nice girl that way. I actually met my bf in a club and hes never had a one night stand.. when I said not into the clubbing scene-I meant not into having sex with stragers but still like to party, have a few drinks, dance. It can be a lot of fun and if someone does invite you back to their place all you have to say is no thanks if she seems too forward or slutty. If thats not your type, its not your type but you could still meet a shy girl and ask for her number

[Simpo]

try the library, join an art class, museum, even the zoo. or join a new hobby like guitar lessons for fun. if you are invited on a night out to a bar or something-go. not every person out drinking and clubbing wants a one nighter. i used to go clubbing a lot and never slept around so you could still meet a nice girl that way.

Okay, cheers. I might try some of those places. I think tbh the best option for me would be clubs and pubs and just try to talk to some girls and get to know them and hopefully by chance I'll find my nerdy girl

[michelle23]

ya its a good place to start anyway and its easy to spot the ones who are just out for a good time-not a long time lol. Avoid the ones that look cheap or wear clothes that are too tight, too short, boobs popping all over the place haha and go for a more conservative girl who likes to show off some legs but keeps the rest for your eyes only