Confused and need direction!

[gregory066]

Hello,
I am a first time poster! I have quite the sticky situation and don't know how to handle it. I am almost a year from my divorce, I wasn't looking to get mixed up into a relationship but am currently 6 months in! My new girlfriend is amazing and my connection to her is real. My marriage was awful, I felt secure and ready in taking on this new relationship becasue while the marriage was bad I did everything I could to work on it and try and repair/save it.
My girlfriend too was coming off of a bad relationship and I feel that contributes to our connection, although it isn't the only connection we have. She recently had a set back and is going through and emotional wirl wind trying to complete the closure process. Just last night we had a break through in communication and she and I agree that a little space will help her through. I can appreciate space as I am still in touch with the hard journey that a bad relationship can cause someone to go through, and I can understand how hard bringing closure can be. She has said that she wants space, she also says that she doesn't want to break up or stop dating. She still wants to talk and be together she just wants time as she completes the closure.

My dilema:
I want to give her this space and I want to be a rock that she can lean on as well. While I can appreciate that closure process, I know I couldn't do it alone.

Is there any one way to make those two opposite wants that I have work?

Should I proceed only at her pace, engage in talking only when she talks to me?

[workingman78]

Definetly you can make it work AND make your relationship stronger. All you are doing really is giving her the space she needs to figure out what she needs/wants from you. She will come to you and ask, and that is when you can be the rock for her. She does need the time though, or else she is going to feel pressured and pushed/pulled into something and end up second guessing herself in doing it.

[gregory066]

Thanks workingman78 -

I am hopeful that it will work. And I know that if I push and she never gets that closure and we still continue dating at some point the emotional burden that she would be carrying would casue our relationship to emplode. I just have fear in how to handle my every move, I'm sure I am just thinking to deep into it but it is hard to hide emotions and not follow the heart. The heart is usually your best gauge but it also can mis lead you. I want to be the rock that she was for me, she in fact was what made me get my final closure, but I know i will struggle to wait and be the rock only when she needs it. I always felt that I was missing something that I had in my marriage. Through the growth in our new relationship, as crazy as it may seem, I discovered that what I was missing was that I wasn't fighting everyday. It had become second nature to me and that it was casued me to miss it. But finding someone that you mesh with and don't fight allowed me to make that discovery. She asked in our discussion last night, what was the first thing that helped me understand and move on from my relationship. I told her that I thought about all 6 years that we were together and was able to honestly say that 2 of those 6 years were excellent, great or good and 4 were bad. I told myself that if my wife and I were to try again that the chances we would have excellent, great and good times were there but the chances of the bad far exceeded. I knew that I wasn't willing to take the risk.

[aliwal]

She will appreciate the space. If you don't give her space she might end up finishing through feeling like she cant cope.

I didnt give my separated husband the space he needed and he says as a result he took up another womans offer of a drink and now he is totally into her and doesn't want to know me.

So please respect the space thing, no matter how hard.

[devonbrown]

You can do both (give her the space and be her rock) only if two things happen -- 1) you can suppress your own emotions indefinitely and 2) she lets you do both.

The thing of it is you don't have much of a choice here. She is going to do whatever she wants to do/whatever she feels like she should do. Let her lead things, just let her know that you are there for her. She will make the decisions about how much she needs you around.

Just be careful not to turn into an emotional doormat for her. She may not even mean to do it, but remember that your feelings matter as well.

Good luck.

[gregory066]

Thanks for your kind words!

[Kaius]

Give her space. I was going through the same thing. The time and space will make things more clear.