Getting Back Together After She's Been With Someone Else

[kerouac_turn]

Note: I apologize for the lengthy set-up. Like most relationship issues, it's complicated. Read through if you like, otherwise skip straight to "Here's What I'm Struggling With" near the bottom. Regardless, please throw me a bone of some sort. I can't talk with anyone about this. Help me.

Here's the summary:

Details: I'm a 22 year-old senior in college. She's a 21 year-old senior in college. I've only had one other girlfriend before her. We'll call her Jewel (isn't that sweet?)

After dating for six months, I broke up with Jewel in February of 2009 (past Valentine's Day, don't worry). I did it because I wasn't consistently feeling all the emotions I hoped would accompany being with my "soul mate." Consequently, because I was going through that, I felt it was my responsibility to let her find someone who could feel that way about her.

What I didn't understand at the time, however, is that love is about SO much more than consistently feeling certain emotions. See 1 Corinthians 13. I get that now. I was being unrealistic and idealistic. I am committed to her now. This is not an issue.

And, as of December 2009, we got back together. I will be asking Jewel to marry me within the next few months. We plan on getting married sometime in the Fall of this year.

Here are the details:

After the break-up, we would continue to hang out sporadically and even made out a few times. I understand that this was extremely disrespectful/hurtful of me. I know the scum that I am. This continued randomly up until about May.

During that following summer, I worked a job in a different state and Jewel worked with a church near the beach. The last word from me in regards to our relationship was "Jewel, you have to let me go."

Well, while she was there, she met a guy. We'll call him Don Juan.

In a less-than-wise move to get over me, she started dating him in late June, early July.

To make a long story short, basically I was plunged into the deepest emotional hell I could've ever imagined, and eventually (in August, after we'd both returned to school) told her that I still had feelings for her and wanted to get back together with her. I, of course, would not have done this if I didn't have every intention to marry her. I'm scum, but I'm not that kind of scum.

She dated Don Juan for about two more months (so as not to do anything rash, and to give the poor devil a fighting chance). She broke up with him in October. She refused to immediately get back in a relationship with me (Jewel's a smart girl) until a few months had passed. We got back together on December 2. A semester of counseling sessions and a sizeable Zoloft prescription later, things are going good.

Caught up?

Here's what I'm struggling with:

During the summer, she had been physical with this guy on every level. Kissing up to having sex and everything in between. They made out on their first date. They only had sex once, and she asked him to stop midway through. She and I have never had sex, nor will we until we're married, although we have been physical in other capacities. She had never had sex before, and the entire situation was very unlike Jewel. Basically, my intended wife lost her virginity to a summer rebound.

I've told her (and myself) that I can forget about it and let it be the past. And I've been doing okay. But, every now and then, old anger surfaces up again. It manifests itself as me becoming emotionally distant, irritable, wanting to know details (which only leads to anger). She and I had a pretty nasty fight tonight. Tonight I find out that she made out with him on their first date. It took us nearly a month of actually, officially "being in a relationship" before we had our first kiss.

HOW can I conquer this? Don't hold back, give me all the advice you've got.

Thanks for reading,

Jack K.

[Lite]

How can you conquer it? Talk to your counselor about it. Tell her that you feel threatened in bed by her past sexual relationship. Tell her that you're worried that you have a small penis and that you don't satisfy her.

Because, basically that's what you're saying to us.

You're not angry that she slept with someone. You're angry because you feel threatened. You're angry because someone else might possibly compete for her attention on a sexual level during encounters.

So what do you do? Well, you could rage impotently about it until the entire relationship self-destructs out from under you because you're a moron... Or you could talk to your counselor about it. You could get some books to educate yourself about sex. (Start with the ultimate guide to cunnilingus for a nice physiological overview of female arousal and stimulation.) You could start an open and running dialogue with your girlfriend about how you feel. You could talk to her about sex, what she likes, how you could do better. You could you know, step up to the plate and actually put in the effort to become the most amazing lover she's ever had.

Or, you could develop some sort of cuckhold complex that forces you to sit in the corner and toss yourself off why she sleeps with a real man that actually is capable of pleasing her.

Do yourself a favor, become her dream man in bed. Become the embodiment of sexual energy in her mind. Don't ever say, "well it worked for other women" or some other bullshit line that blames your inability to please her on her. Be THE MAN in bed. Take charge when it comes to pleasing her, not just getting your rocks off. Make her goddamn toes curl. Make her tell her friends about you until their cheeks turn pink.

Seriously. Be a goddamn man and actually CARE about pleasing your women. Once you do this, you don't have to feel threatened by anyone she's ever slept with, because frankly, they'll never compare to you.

And even if that relationship ends, the next woman you find will worship you like a god for putting in the effort to actually be worth a damn in bed.

[lhn]

No offence but Lite, I think you missed the point.
Although I'm not sure if he feels "threatened"... maybe? but the real issue here seems to be that she is no longer a virgin. She has done the act and it wont be the same when it happens for them. Like he has been cheated out of a mutual sharing and/or understanding.

A couple of questions
1. Are you religious or is this an important thing for you to share just because you like the idea?
2. Do you feel threatened?
3. Have you talked to her about this?
4. Will you ever be happy that you wont share that anymore?

Just a couple of points... clearly you have a big morale issue with sex before marriage. Sex is not a big deal. It's built up into something so much bigger than it is. Sure, for a first time it would be great for it to be this perfect, angelic, romantic experience that two people share but take my word for it... for a lot of people it's not. For me it wasn't and fortunately, I just don't care.

I'm desperately trying not to turn this into a flame on religion (if thats your reasoning) and some of its incredibly short-sighted views (oh oh i better stop ;-) ) but if you love this girl, this wont bother you. What you will share will be just as special, virgin or not. Try not to pay it too much attention, things should be on such a deeper level than sex, if you love her.

[girl68]

You are sooooooo not ready to get married.

[Perryville]

Dude, grow up a little, so your GF played around with another guy, so what? Where's your maturity? She isn't "damaged goods", because of a couple of kisses and a little hanky-panky. If you want to be a married man, you have to be a man, first.

[cmacattack1]

I'm concerned that you are wanting to marry her because of the hurt you felt after she was with somebody else. I understand we need to be apart to realize how we feel, I felt the same way about my ex (which I put her up on a pedestal and said I could be happy with her for the rest of my life with all that's out there). You said you wanted her back with the intention of marrying her. What clicked in that time apart that made you go from "not feeling consistant emotions" to marriage?

It just sounds like you are caught up in the moment and emotions of it and it won't sink in until you are married. Will it then be a mistake? That's no light decision and you have to understand that while it's romantic, it's a serious issue and you are merging two lives together as one as far as the state is concerned.

The best thing to do with an ex after an extended time apart is to take it slow and ease back into it. If you think you are such a changed person and she is too, why are you rushing back into it? You have to take it slow and see if the new you and her are compatible. I'm not trying to knock what you have, but it's highly impractical.