Can perfectionism ruin my relationship?

[mrperfectionist]

I have been with this girl, whom I love very much, for one and a half years. But because of my perfectionism tendencies I always try to improve myself and her. It has come to the point where she has told me that either I accept her for who she is or its over.

I honestly want to get rid of my perfectionism tendencies, because I think its robbing me of my happiness. I have the same attitude towards myself, I'm always critical of myself and feel that I need to improve everything that I possibly can.

Our main problem has been that I want her to loose weight. She's not overweight, but I seem to expect her to have this well-trained bikini body. The reason I believe I'm pushing her to work out is because I'm a fitness junkie and therefore seem to expect her to do/be the same.

The worst thing is that she is better looking than me - so how can I be this stupid? On the "inside" she is the best gal you could be with.

Is it the perfectionism that is preventing me in having a healthy relationship with her or should I be with someone who is also a "fitness junkie" like myself and stop wasting her time?

I am willing to change and I want to be with her because I love her so much and she could be my future wife. If only I could see past this ridiculous perfection thing and just be happy that I have such a great girl.

Please provide constructive feedback, I don't need to hear how shallow or how much of a scumbag I am.

[Am I crazy?]

you already know what the answer is. There is nobody here that can tell you what to do any better than what you already know,

[Wakeup]

I am willing to change and I want to be with her because I love her so much

I suggest, since you are so "willing to change" that you change then because if you don’t:

It has come to the point where she has told me that either I accept her for who she is or its over.

[zenrock]

sounds like a battle between a rook and a bishop. neither have hands but both wielding a sword...

if its love you'll find more reasons to stay than to leave. ask yourself this:

"what is the sound of one hand clapping?"

your answer will lead you one step closer to the truth my friend

[basilandthyme]

No, your perfectionism is at fault. If you find a fitness junkie, you will find other faults with them and want to fix those too. Perhaps they won't be as ambitious as you'd like them to be.

Also, have you considered that it's appallingly rude to want to improve someone else?

[meloveulongtime]

Take a good look in the mirror and laugh at yourself for being an idiot.

[michelle23]

ask yourself why you are such a perfectionist? it normally has something to do with needing to be in control and low self esteem. wanting to prove yourself to others by being the best, having the best, doing the best.

its unhealthy and borderline ocd.

you should seek counselling and try to get to the root of the issue and realize that if you love someone-you accept them for who they are and you dont try to change them.

you will shatter that poor girls confidence by even mentioning her weight or fitness. it is not your place to point anything like that out to her-not unless she has let herself go and its affecting your sex life. it is cruel.

i put on a little weight after my aunt died when i was depressed (about 8pounds) not much but it made me feel self conscious. my bf never mentioned it, he treated me the same and if i bitched about it-he told me im gorgeous. it took me 2weeks to get back to normal when i was feeling better. but if he said to me "your putting on weight, go to the gym" i suspect that would have just depressed me more and made it harder

[TablesandChairs]

Like Michelle has suggested, there are usually underlying causes for perfectionism - it could be you have a need to control, are OCD and so forth. One of my friends has OCD and she's a perfectionist...she decided that she wanted the 'perfect' body so she put 100% into it...the result is over-the-top. She's so muscular now you could mistake her for a guy. But going to the gym is her new obsession so who knows how far she'll take it.

Anyway, yes - get some therapy or you could risk ruining every relationship you have in the meantime. No one will tick all the boxes...if you can't handle their flaws, eventually they won't be able to handle yours either. I would rather a relaxed, happy partner who had an average body-type than one who was fit/toned but made my life miserable through his perfectionism. Think about it. She could very well end up leaving you when she decides she's had enough.