Why Do They Insist on Keeping in Touch?

[artyemi]

I just read someone's posting in another thread and I just really, really, really wonder about this from the perspective of the people who have done it to other people.

Okay, you're dating somebody and you're also close with a friend of an opposite sex. Then, this friend stops hanging out with you and you wonder why. They tell you it's because they have feelings for you, which are very unappropriate feelings and the only way that they can try to stop them is by not seeing you anymore. Yet, you insist that you keep in touch.

Why? Can someone please tell me why?

[Tone]

Cause they have feelings for you, and whenever you care about something it's hard to let it go completely, so I think this, mixed with hopes of something developing between the two of you down the road if your current relationship doesn't work out, is a common explanation.

[shh!]

Because it is flattering to have someone licking at your heels like a sad little puppy dog?

[Tone]

Oh wait maybe I misread that.. I thought you meant that the person who has feelings for the person in a relationship says no more contact, but they want to keep in touch.. but that doesn't make much sense does it Tone? *sigh*

Okay yeah it's flattering to have someone interested in you like that, and I guess also people like to have a "backup" plan incase their current relationship didn't work out. Could also be that they have feelings for you as well..

[nomas]

I had the opposite experience. The girl I liked wanted to stop contact because she didn't reciprocate my feelings. I wanted to keep the friendship still, but she said it was best not to see each other so that I may forget my feelings for her, I guess..

So my philosophy is to never push anyone away. I am open and clear about my feelings. If someone likes me romantically and I don't reciprocate the feelings, I do my best to make it known that I can only offer frienship if they'll have it. That I would never take away. Some may think it harmful because it keeps the glimmer of hope alive, but I think the alternative is not necessarily better. I was never able to detect anything I didn't like about this girl and that is the lasting memory I have of her. Nobody has been able to knock her out of first place in my book.

[whaywardj]

I'm not entirely sure which end the stick you guys are swinging with, but it went this way with me: She broke off the relationship; I was still in love: she wanted to remain full-blown friends. Chatty phone converstions and emails; platonic dinners and cinema together now again. The works. All the things that friends do together. I made it clear to her that would be a very, very difficult for me to do because I still wanted the relationship but, if it was all that important to her that we remain friends -- and it was; she had a standard she felt she needed to live up to -- I'd try.

It was awful for me, of course. So, after four months of trying, I sent her an email that went more less this way:

"That of myself which I most long to give you, you do not want. Would you have me struggle to suppress that in order to protect you from its forces while you take of me only that which you DO want? Would you ask this of me in the name of friendship? If so, I will try to do that task again."

She replied (more or less): "No. That's not something I'd ever ask of you, or of anyone, since it would be a very self-centered and hurtful thing to do."

And that was the end of that "friendship" and any further efforts on her part to encourage it.

The unembellished facts. Draw your own conclusions. My conclusion is that, at lot of times, people don't realize what they're really asking for and, if they were to think about for just a moment, they'd see just how much what they're asking for sometimes conflicts seriously with who they think are, and what they think of themselves. And then adjust their standards accordingly.

[Tone]

Hayward I was in your situation too... relationship ended, but she insisted on us being friends even though she KNEW it killed me knowing she was with someone new... and I think she just used me a stepping stone into her new relationship, cause to this day I don't think they would still be together had I not been there for her every second she needed me. He'd do something stupid and she'd be in a really bad mood (crying, pissed off, cursing him, etc), call me up, we'd go for a walk and I'd get her smiling and laughing again and she act like nothing ever happened with him. The difference with you is you were smart enough to get out. I'm the fool who to this day is still there whenever she needs me...

[nomas]

Yeah, there's even songs about that..specifically one..it's in castellian, but translated it means: "don't ask me to be your friend"..and the auther introduces it by saying "this is one for those of us who prefer to end things rather than carrying on ill-intentioned 'friendships'"...so there may be some method to your madness..

Still, maybe I'm in the minority or maybe I just don't have enough experience, but I'd rather have continued the friendship...and still hopeful it'll continue some day, maybe. In the mean time, I live my life uninterrupted..meaning I do the same things I would do with her friendship. I am not a puppet, and I plan never to be one.

[Tone]

Still, maybe I'm in the minority or maybe I just don't have enough experience, but I'd rather have continued the friendship...and still hopeful it'll continue some day, maybe.

That's kind of what I intended in my situation. I told myself, go through the pain and hang in there, and when they break up you'll be there, the worse that could happen is they get married and how likely is that? ... yeah they're married. -_-

In the mean time, I live my life uninterrupted..meaning I do the same things I would do with her friendship. I am not a puppet, and I plan never to be one.

I think it's pretty naive to think you can control your emotions and feelings.

[nomas]

Yeah, maybe it's an overestimation of my control over my emotions and feelings, but I don't know any better right now and I truly believe it.

I don't think there's an on/off switch to them, but I believe I can work at it and eventually be successful. There's a lot you can change in yourself if you truly work at it and want it. Or it may just be an illusion you grow to believe.

[indigosoul]

t
his friend stops hanging out with you and you wonder why. They tell you it's because they have feelings for you, which are very unappropriate feelings and the only way that they can try to stop them is by not seeing you anymore. Yet, you insist that you keep in touch.

Why? Can someone please tell me why?

From my analysis/experience, in no particular order:

1. You're sadistic. If someone you 'care' about asks this and you won't/can't return their feelings, you DON'T care. Puppy dog thing from Shh!
2. You care for them back and aren't being honest.
3. You're not hot for them, but want their friend/sister, etc. (I'm really grasping here)??

Note that my "you"s are 3rd person. Not personal.

If, after being honest about all feelings involved, I asked this of someone and they didn't respect my request, I would know they didn't really care anyway. So would make solution easier, IMO.

[indigosoul]

I'm not entirely sure which end the stick you guys are swinging with, but it went this way with me: She broke off the relationship; I was still in love: she wanted to remain full-blown friends. Chatty phone converstions and emails; platonic dinners and cinema together now again. The works. All the things that friends do together. I made it clear to her that would be a very, very difficult for me to do because I still wanted the relationship but, if it was all that important to her that we remain friends -- and it was; she had a standard she felt she needed to live up to -- I'd try.

Thanks wayward, now i understand your perspective in your other response to me. Much appreciated.

I think your situation just reinforces what I already know: when friendship turns more, whether for one or both, you can't ever go back to "just friends". Close friends into love can be one of the most powerful relationships a human can have, I think, but it is definitely non-compromising. All or nothing kind of thing, and not for the faint of heart. A real monkey-trap where the only way out is to learn to live within the trap, or to bust out forever changed.

I do think that the fact that you opened up yourself and she still insisted on "just friends" was a serious disrespect of your needs & feelings. I'm sorry that happened to you. You too, Tone.

[Asip4u]

I've stopped figuring out this part long time ago...Tone, i have a similar problem so I just don't debate it anymore, although my problem is with a friend (she has a b/f)...if something happens with us down the road it happens...I never hide what I feel for her...it's all in the open...I have my life and she has hers and when she does need me i'm there (most of the time) haha...i don't allow it to come to the point where she uses me though (i wont talk to her about her b/f problems)...She has no problem with me being me and there's a lot of flirting going on (even though she's with him). I don't think i'm too attached to her which is why I decided that if she wants to break off talks completely we can do that...she said she didn't want that. Would I be glad if she was my g/f? Sure why not...but at the same time i'm completely accepting the fact this may never happen.

[Tone]

That's good man, you're better off than me.. the thing I regret the most was always being there for her, if I could do it over again I would have went with No Contact.

[Asip4u]

No contact is better that's for sure, especially if you're still in love with her. There's so many girls out there you can love just as much (if note more) but accepting this is not so easy...that's why i just go on with my life, date other girls and dont' allow any small things like her b/f problems to get in my way.