The settling down scenario!

[miss1986]

Hi guys, I just want to hear some opinions and advice on my relationship (be kind please!).

Ok so I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and a half now. I am 26 years old, he is 28 in a couple of weeks time. He owns his own house, I still live with family so I tend to stay at his house. The things which are upsetting me are :

1. He wont give me a key to his house. Fair enough it's his house not mine, but he will only give me a key when I'm at his house on a day off so I pop out for shopping etc. then have to give the key back when I go home. To me I find this hurtful but it's not my main issue, just one of the things getting to me.

2. He says he does NOT want to settle down yet.

3. He says he "doesn't know" if he ever wants to get married in the future or have children. He isn't sure if he wants that.

4. He hasnt introduced me to his father and 2 sisters. Fair enough they dont live with him, and he see's them around 3-4 times a year. But he has met my family, I feel sad he doesnt want to show me off to them!

He says he is happy with me. He is loyal, he calls me all the time and we see each other alot.

I feel our relationship is great, we have a loving relationship, lots of affection, we go out for nice meals, go shopping, have days out together. it;s Everything I want. But now I am 26, and a few long term relationships down the road (one lasting 4 years - a guy who said he did not believe in marriage, then 3 months after breaking up with me got engaged to another girl) I now feel I do not want to be in that situation anymore where I have a boyfriend wasting my time etc.

Yes I'm happy, but when I look at all my friends getting married, living together, why do I not deserve this??

I ask him do you want us to move in together this year? He says no not this year. I say oh right, would you want to next year? "MAYBE YEAH"

I'm feeling soo upset by this all, I just feel I deserve committment, I have NEVER pressured him. His ex pressured him so maybe thats why he says he isnt sure. He is the one who brings it up!

But *I* do want a future with him. I want to be with the man I will marry.

Finding it all a bit hard, he just says be happy and enjoy what we have now as bf and gf.

[VincenzoG91]

You're ready to settle down. He isn't ready to settle down. You've pressed him for a commitment, and he won't give it to you. You should set a deadline for yourself for moving on, like maybe one year from now. Don't tell him the deadline, because that will seem like an ultimatum and a threat to him. It's better to take that pressure off him for now and see how he handles things. Just keep the deadline to yourself. If he won't commit to you within that time period, leave him. Otherwise you will end up like some of the pathetic women posting here who have been in very long-term relationships and still can't get that commitment. If you're hoping for marriage and kids, you can't waste too many years on a guy who is afraid of commitment.

The issue with the key is weird, by the way. Is there a particular reason that he is paranoid? Like maybe an ex stole from him? Otherwise, it looks a little suspicious.

[miss1986]

You're ready to settle down. He isn't ready to settle down. You've pressed him for a commitment, and he won't give it to you. You should set a deadline for yourself for moving on, like maybe one year from now. Don't tell him the deadline, because that will seem like an ultimatum and a threat to him. It's better to take that pressure off him for now and see how he handles things. Just keep the deadline to yourself. If he won't commit to you within that time period, leave him. Otherwise you will end up like some of the pathetic women posting here who have been in very long-term relationships and still can't get that commitment. If you're hoping for marriage and kids, you can't waste too many years on a guy who is afraid of commitment.

The issue with the key is weird, by the way. Is there a particular reason that he is paranoid? Like maybe an ex stole from him? Otherwise, it looks a little suspicious.

Yeah, this is what my gut instinct has been telling me, see how things are next year, if he isnt ready to live with me then I will have to move on, you are right!

No idea about the key issue, but he is 100% loyal and would never cheat that is one thing I do know! But I feel like I could have just had one date with him, as far as key, marriage, future, family meetings etc has gone, we are happy in our relationship but it hasnt gone anywhere. Its so upsetting.

Do you think if he isnt ready to commit now, he wont ever be?

Do I spend almost every night there now, so things move along and we would move in together next year?

Its hard to know what to do for the best, thanks for the advice!

[Cerby]

Yeah, this is what my gut instinct has been telling me, see how things are next year, if he isnt ready to live with me then I will have to move on, you are right!

No idea about the key issue, but he is 100% loyal and would never cheat that is one thing I do know! But I feel like I could have just had one date with him, as far as key, marriage, future, family meetings etc has gone, we are happy in our relationship but it hasnt gone anywhere. Its so upsetting.

Do you think if he isnt ready to commit now, he wont ever be?

Do I spend almost every night there now, so things move along and we would move in together next year?

Its hard to know what to do for the best, thanks for the advice!

Do you think if he isnt ready to commit now, he wont ever be?
It's been 1.5 years, if he isn't ready to commit now, his relationship motivation is suspect. I think the reason that he hasn't given you a key is because it creates a definite barrier between your space and his space. I'm not saying he is planning on cutting and running, but this to me looks like a border that will be easy to deal with if/when he does.

Do I spend almost every night there now, so things move along and we would move in together next year?
This isn't here nor there, you spend the nights there, but it hasn't changed that he won't give you a key. I've been in a relationship that I sadly strung along for too long and then ended it when I was pressured to commit further.

Go with Vincenzo's plan, set a deadline on this, but keep it to yourself. 6-12 months would be the maximum I think. You're 26, so you're not unreasonable to expect more from a relationship.

[oldskool83]

in his mine he has a time limit also prob. maybe its 30, mabye its 35. its not fair to you right now you just like some simpler things. by now you have every right to have a key to his house, if not even be living there. I think by years end you need to consider if you want to be still treated like this or not. not meeting family in 1.5 years is a major sign he doesnt take you very seriously. sum1 else could treat u better. your already not happy....this is why you posted your concern. dont pressue a man to commit, a decent one would of by now in many of the ways you have discussed about.

[VincenzoG91]

Cerby is right, 6-12 months is a reasonable time frame. More than a year would be fooling yourself.

[James87]

Thanks for your post.

[miss1986]

Thanks for all your replies!

I will give it a year, if he has no plans to move in with me by then and I haven't met his sisters, then I will finish it.

When I ask him where our relationships going he says "let's just see as long as we are happy that's all that matters"

I think the truth of it is he doesn't want to be pressured cos his ex did and he finished it. He likes having his freedom seeing his friends and I think he assumes if we lived together and got married he would be trapped. So how do I make him see that's not the case :S

Just have to string it out and see where we are next year I guess !

But I hate the thought of wasting more time if he will be the same next yr.

But I know there are guys who will say I want to get married blah blah then cheat on their partners. So u never know until actions are made.