Advice needed: What's going on in his head?

[minime1213]

This may be a long post, but I think the information is necessary to get an accurate answer on what I’m asking.

My boyfriend and I have hit a rough spot in our relationship, and it’s mainly because we haven’t been communicating well lately. We got to the point of taking a break from the relationship to be with ourselves, respectively, and evaluate the relationship. We don’t have any fatal flaws in the relationship (communication is big, but that can be worked on). We haven’t been working on it lately and have picked up some bad habits that need time to be broken – hence the main reason for taking a break.

During our conversation in deciding this, he said some really peculiar things about his view of the relationship. He said he has felt that he and I were meant for each other, and felt really sure of that until the past few months (that we’ve been having problems). His feelings were conflicted, and he felt unsure of our future. Naturally, when a couple starts going through rough spots and trying times, a person isn’t as sure or as confident in their relationship. I feel the same way. Of course, he goes on to expand that he’s seen his friends (he’s 28, and a lot of his friends are suddenly getting engaged/married, as it’s kind of an average age to start settling down), finding their future mates, and they just seem so sure of it, and he has kept in his mind (during our problems) that if it was meant to be, then it would be, but he’s having doubts about that.

I’m actually not going to say that these things were peculiar to me, because I really feel that this is a rather naïve, if not juvenile, way to view relationships. I didn’t say that to him, but it seems like he’s waiting for this internal timer to buzz and say, yep, she’s the one. I know you get a feeling, something we both have talked about and have felt, but it’s like he’s literally waiting for fate to intervene.
I’ve noticed, also, that he’s paid great attention to all of his friends and peers getting engaged and settling down. He usually comments about it if he sees something. So, I’m fairly sure that it’s on his mind that these people are there and he’s not, and I feel that’s affecting him. It seems like his response (above) is being pressured by an aspect of keeping up, without recognizing where we realistically are in our relationship.

That’s one of the other reasons why I agreed to a break, because I don’t know how to talk to him about that right now. I think it’s silly to be pressured into a societal timeline of what one should and shouldn’t do. He tends to compare himself and his status in life with his friends (is that a male thing?), and I know the plethora of friends getting engaged weighs on him. However, we’ve talked about the future and marriage, and he and I both want to be more settled in our careers and paths before marriage. Both of us, theoretically speaking, are on the same page as far as not wanting to think about a specific timeline. But – he’ll state that, then state that he feels I’m waiting around for him to grow up, and place a lot of concentration on his peers.

I’m a little older than him and understand how a person feels when all their friends start getting married, but it just seems like he’s placing too much emphasis on that in judging our relationship. I don’t know how to discuss this with him, and honestly don’t know my assessment is correct. Anyone want to take a stab at this? Is this a normal thing for a guy to start kind of freaking out when his friends start tying the knot?

[basilandthyme]

To be honest, I can understand why he feels you're waiting for him to grow up - there is a rather patronising streak in how you talk about his goals and dreams. It comes across as you thinking that you're somewhat wiser than he is. With him referring to what his friends are doing, it does sound a little like he feels that he's on the defensive.

I'm going to suggest that getting married in one's late 20's isn't just about societal expectations. It's also puts a couple on time to conceive children more easily and with much less risk of disability. I was peri-menopasal in my late 30's and in full menopause by 45, so I can't tell you how pleased I am that I followed a timeline similar to what your boyfriend's friends are looking at.

If the two of you agree that you are right for each other and want marriage - why NOT get married sooner rather than later? Why can't you pursue your careers and goals while you're married?

[minime1213]

I can speak more for myself than him, and I know that I am taking a cautious, “be sure” this is right, (and probably am being too cautious) we-have-all-the-time-in-the-world approach. With some of our conversations, he’s the same way. Why do we want to be more defined in our own lives before taking certain plunges? That’s just how we both feel. Over the holidays (of course) several of his friends announced engagements, and it seems rather clear now that these things are weighing on him – taking us out of a rather great relationship defined by our own pace and putting us in a spot of where it seems like he feels he needs to know, for sure, that we’re meant to be.

I feel like he’s letting other influences direct him instead of his own heart.

Also, yes…I can be patronizing at times, unintentionally, and that’s what I would love to avoid (that’s one of the communication issues, and I’ll own it). How to I relay my own “been there, done that” moments without sounding condescending? **For the record, there is a 9 year difference in our ages, me being the elder. We’ve discussed many options for children, if we do get married, including surrogacy and adoption (for obvious reasons). I’m in no rush and have said this many times. ** He gets defensive in some of our conversations and that’s why.

[basilandthyme]

You say that you both feel the same way about marriage and letting a relationship grow at it's own pace. I would correct that and say you both used to feel the same way, but now he feels differently. And this is OK...we all grow and change throughout life.

You're worrying about him letting other influences direct him, but have you realised that in trying to get your own point across, that you're also attempting to influence him? I would hazard a guess that he simply likes what he sees going on around him and wants to enjoy it too.

As for how to relay your own "been there, done that" experiences....YOU DON'T RELAY THEM. He knows how you feel already. Futher pushing your own agenda will do nobody any good.

It's time to accept that what this man is now wanting in life is not the same as what you want. Instead of assuming that he's being influenced, give the man credit enough for having the ability to make his own decisions about what he wants for his own life. Instead of bulldozing him into doing what you want, think seriously about whether or not there's room for compromise.

You may want to consider that perhaps it's time to let him go and be free to seek a young woman who wants the same thing as him.

[minime1213]

Okay, so what I'm basically looking for is a male's perspective, as I did post in the "Ask A Male" forum, because men are wired differently, and go through different phases at different times.

I guess I can add to this and say the break from the relationship (a break-up would be definitive of describing that we no longer want the same things) is because of communication problems and conflicting feelings. As I stated, I have been having my own doubts lately, because it seems like we're going through a bit of a power struggle phase, and are having a hard time effectively communicating during our disagreements. It's something we've worked on a bit, but not enough, because it's come to a head to where we're both questioning the relationship enough to agree to a break. It was a mutual agreement, not his decision.

That being said, the reason I'm curious of whether or not his peer group is making him feel that he should be further along in his relationship with me is because it isn't uncommon for women to feel the same way. To say that he has conflicting feelings, and not that he just isn't feeling the same anymore, is incorrect. For example, the week prior to our break, he was asking if I would be there for him and would be patient with him. When we were out, playing a game of bocce one evening, he made a comment in passing that we're going to have to get a bocce court in the yard when we get a house. So, that would be very conflicted feelings, primarily due to our communication problems. I wouldn't describe that as him just wanting different things than me now.

The young woman comment was pretty low, by the way, and your description of me bulldozing and pushing my agenda is uncalled for. I'm seeking advice to gain perspective of what is going on in his mind, not asking for insults from another woman who is posting answers in the "ask a man" forum.

[Wakeup]

Oh simmer down for goodness sakes. It doesn't matter if a man or a woman answers your questions or gives opinion on your situation because frankly... Not men or woman are your boyfriend and the only person you're going to get the truth from is him. We aren't inside his head. Do you really want either sex guessing until you actually hear something that fits YOUR agenda? If you're mature then I don't think you do. If you're grasping for a life-jacket that will sooth your angst... well then keep your thread alive until you get the GUESS that best suits you.

Figure this out with your bf and only him. If you have a good friend that knows the two of you then maybe, big maybe, they may be able to give you some opinion that is more on point but arguing with strangers on the internet because they are not seeing things the way you want them to be seen is really just a waste of your time.

Time will tell you what you need to know. So will asking these questions and stating these thoughts and concerns you have of/to your bf.

You say you don't know how to discuss this with him... well why not just tell him what you've said here and if you can't say it then write it out or print out this thread or invite him to participate even?

- - - Updated - - -

Anyone want to take a stab at this? Is this a normal thing for a guy to start kind of freaking out when his friends start tying the knot?

I think it's a normal thing for PEOPLE to start freaking out when our friends start tying the knot and we feel that we are not with the right person to tie it as well.

Its not a male/female thing but rather a human nature thing.

[dontaskme]

First things first, let's not mislead anyone here, you're not a little older than him, you're almost a decade older than him. Secondly, he's 28 years old, not a teenage boy who can't make up his own mind and can be pressured by peers into getting married when not ready.

Coming from predominant male household, none of my brothers were pressured by anyone to be tied down when they weren't emotionally and financially prepared specially during their 20's when they were too engaged in their careers. It was a conscious decision by them driven by their desire to start a family that they chose to get married.

Women are different of course. The peer pressure of marriage comes from the reality that they have biological clocks to worry about. When I see my friends getting married in their late 20's early 30's, it reminds me of the stage in life where I'm at, which is about the time to start a family (but that is the least of my concern at the moment).

[MENTION=64115]basilandthyme[/MENTION] is right, give your man some credit. He's not some boy who can't make up his own mind unless you know him to be that way.

Perhaps the power struggle and communication issues come from your inability to compromise?

[bulrush]

He tends to compare himself and his status in life with his friends (is that a male thing?),

Actually I see it much more in women. IME women are much more affected by social pressures. However you may not notice it since you do not appear that way, and you probably hang out with women who are more like you.

that if it was meant to be, then it would be, but he’s having doubts about that...
I’m actually not going to say that these things were peculiar to me, because I really feel that this is a rather naïve, if not juvenile, way to view relationships.

Well, you're both right. I didn't used to believe in love at first sight. My first marriage failed and I got a divorce. I started dating again, and was about ready to give up, but then I found a girl, who was going to be my last date before I gave up. When we went on our first date, I knew there was something special about her, but I couldn't figure out what. It turns out we are a perfect match and we are getting married soon.

So, there CAN be a feeling of "there is something different about this person", but IMO it MUST be confirmed with facts about compatibility. I never trust my feelings only on such a huge decision. I was financially ruined by my first divorce. I can't let that happen again. It doesn't matter how much you love each other, if you're not compatible in the major 3 areas: sex, money, kids, you will fight over these things and want to kill each other.

There are also more complicated issues of divorce law that make many men never want to get married also. I don't blame them. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. You can, and I did, lose everything. That's the reality of marriage and divorce these days and with a 50-60% divorce rate, a man has to think about that.

Your bf may feel pressured to keep up with his friends, but he may not be ready for marriage yet. He needs to stop pressuring himself, you can help him by telling him to stop pressuring himself.

- - - Updated - - -

He tends to compare himself and his status in life with his friends (is that a male thing?),

Actually I see it much more in women. IME women are much more affected by social pressures. However you may not notice it since you do not appear that way, and you probably hang out with women who are more like you.

that if it was meant to be, then it would be, but he’s having doubts about that...
I’m actually not going to say that these things were peculiar to me, because I really feel that this is a rather naïve, if not juvenile, way to view relationships.

Well, you're both right. I didn't used to believe in love at first sight. My first marriage failed and I got a divorce. I started dating again, and was about ready to give up, but then I found a girl, who was going to be my last date before I gave up. When we went on our first date, I knew there was something special about her, but I couldn't figure out what. It turns out we are a perfect match and we are getting married soon.

So, there CAN be a feeling of "there is something different about this person", but IMO it MUST be confirmed with facts about compatibility. I never trust my feelings only on such a huge decision. I was financially ruined by my first divorce. I can't let that happen again. It doesn't matter how much you love each other, if you're not compatible in the major 3 areas: sex, money, kids, you will fight over these things and want to kill each other.

There are also more complicated issues of divorce law that make many men never want to get married also. I don't blame them. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. You can, and I did, lose everything. That's the reality of marriage and divorce these days and with a 50-60% divorce rate, a man has to think about whether marriage is even worth the risk for him at all.

Your bf may feel pressured to keep up with his friends, but he may not be ready for marriage yet. He needs to stop pressuring himself, you can help him by telling him to stop pressuring himself.

[minime1213]

Thanks for the response. It was pretty helpful to get a male point of view, and to ease my mind about his own point of view when we were not communicating during the break.

I've been engaged before, when I was much younger, so I get the aspect of wanting something to be right versus feeling something is right. That's where I felt we were both at, but perhaps he wanted more than felt.

We did end up agreeing to meet up and talk things out after two weeks. From what I gathered here, the best thing I felt was for both of us to lay it all out on the table. It seemed like "the talk" was due, and maybe we were both avoiding it, but the questions were arising and they could no longer be ignored. A few things I felt in my gut and questioned - is he looking at where he should be - were pretty on point. Some of it, also, was that we both needed to step back and think about what we really saw here.

He isn't exactly where he wants to be in his career in order to start planning a future with someone, and has been feeling a little pressure from where all his friends have gotten to in their own lives (personally/career). I understand that and wouldn't want him to feel pressured to get more involved than he can. However, the two weeks apart allowed him to reconnect with his friends and it gave him the opportunity to see if he was happier without me. It gave me the same opportunity.

Both of us realized we were not, and were actually sad about not having that counterpart. That's where the talk came in, and I did assure him that we have some breathing room - he can put more focus on his career, but we needed to realistically look at our own timelines (outside of adoption, I do have a timeline of about 5 more years where I can start a family) to see if we could have a future. So, we did, and I really think it helped to reassure both of us that, because of how we feel, we're both willing to compromise to give it all a shot.

It's only been a week in, but I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. Our communication has already improved a great deal and I think it is because we got to see our respective lives without each other for a bit. Both of us had room for improvement on that, and I guess it sometimes takes removing something for a bit to see if it's something you really want to work for.

Thanks again.