The most confusing situation - PLEASE help me

[Browneye1826]

I have never done this before where I posted on a public a forum asking for advice let alone so openly discussing something this personal but I really feel that this is something I must now do as I am really confused. I very much appreciate the answers and advice in advance.

I am 27 years old and 6 months ago I fell in love for the very first time in my life. I met this girl (she's 24) who I found to have everything I could have ever wished for, from looks & personality to sense of humor & smartness, she's got it all.
It was very mutual and we both fell truly hard and deep for each other and became literally like one. The feelings, connection and bonding we had is like nothing that words can describe and is beyond anything out there.

Towards the end of December she basically broke up with me.
Though this wasn't just a break-up as neither of us had lost any feelings; in fact when we spoke for the last time and said goodbye we were both sobbing like babies telling each other how neither of us have ever loved or felt this way for anyone else before.

So what happened here?!
Well, she claims that I have an underlying personality problem which shows up in different shapes and the core of it as that I cannot handle when things in life do not go my way. To better explain this, I have zero frustration tolerance which means that when I want something and don't get it I will either get mad or manipulate my surroundings until what I want happens or just shut out and kind of escape.
Interestingly though, this trait brings a positive side with it too where at my young age I am a successful entrepreneur, own several companies and earn over a million dollars a year. It is this same 'low frustration tolerance' that makes me ambitious and gives me a drive to get where I want to. Not only in business but also with several other flaws that I had from over the years, where I vigorously worked on them and changed.

So the way she puts it is (and she's a smart kid) that how can she continue a relationship with someone she loves so much and sees as a soul mate and potential husband in, when he has the above problem? What happens if down the line we give birth - God forbid - to a downs syndrome baby, how will I react and live with it?!
In other words she summarized it as me having no coping mechanisms which not only sometimes put her through tough times during the relationship but is also too big of an issue in the long run thus as painful as it is and as deep as the feelings are, she ended it.
She did add that ‘maybe’ if I do change she will reconsider down the road but no timeframe or anything definite was put on it.

My side of the story?
Well, I am not going to live in denial and say she is all wrong because I do have low frustration tolerance and my reactions to arguments, disappointments and frustrations are far from perfect. Deep down I knew all my life that this issue is something I need to work on vigorously and fix it by learning the coping methods I am missing.
So from the day we broke off I committed myself to bi-weekly therapy with a top New York therapist that has 35 years experience and came very highly recommended. I take the sessions extremely seriously and follow the exercises and tools with a huge determination. To a point where my close people like friends and colleagues already came telling me how I am changing and becoming a much calmer person.

Now, if the love was so strong, why would she break it off over a personality trait? Furthermore she saw how determined I am to overturn it!
Nobody is perfect; wouldn’t people do a lot more for love than sticking by a man who is working on his problem?
Or simpler said and I found this online: The true meaning of love is found in the word "unconditional". Loving someone through their flaws and all. Accepting and embracing each other’s differences and compromising with their offerings.

It has been 6 weeks and I cannot get her out of my mind. Every few hours she pops back in my head and I literally cannot stop it. I was sure that after a few weeks this will decrease but it really has NOT. I miss her so badly! I saw a real future with her…

Although I know that real advice everyone would have given me here (and others did) is to NOT run after her but being that this ended with feelings still burning to such a strong extent, I simply couldn’t resist. Over the weeks I sent her a few emails, of basically saying how I miss her and cannot understand how she would end something so amazing over such a reason.
She never replied to any of my messages but there is one person we both trust and look up to with whom she does communicate and to him she keeps saying how “yes, i loved him like nobody else and will always have something in my heart for him but I simply couldn’t take his problem”.
When he tells her that I am making drastic changes and that it’s so obvious where people around me are already noticing it and talking about it she blows it off by saying that it’s only a few weeks and it’s not realistic to change so fast.

What the heck am I meant do now?!
Do I just try – as painful as it is – to forget about her? Do I start dating other people? Do I wait around?

I have never experienced these feelings in my entire life and REALLY need some advice here because I’m going totally nuts!

[MerryH]

there is one person we both trust and look up to with whom she does communicate and to him she keeps saying how “yes, i loved him like nobody else and will always have something in my heart for him but I simply couldn’t take his problem”.

She's placed her trust in the wrong person if he takes what she says and runs to you with it like a teenage girl. You should probably ask him to stop telling you about their private conversations.

I'm not sure what you'd be waiting around for. She's made her decision and she doesn't seem likely to reconsider. And you've already tried to contact her and she's ignored you. She's done.

[smackie9]

You are lucky she told you the problem BUT she is right, it's only been a few weeks. She may reconnect with you some time down the road but you can't push her. Give it some time, there's a 50-50 chance she may have a change of heart. I'm just wondering, has she experienced an abusive relationship in the past?

[Browneye1826]

Thank you Merry.
Actually though, he is a respected person and she officially uses him as a mediator, i.e. she knows/wants him to revert the messages back to me.

[MerryH]

Thank you Merry.
Actually though, he is a respected person and she officially uses him as a mediator, i.e. she knows/wants him to revert the messages back to me.

Okay, well, the message she's sending back to you is still "No." And I still think you should stop talking to him about her. It's giving you false hope and not allowing you to move on.

[Browneye1826]

You are lucky she told you the problem BUT she is right, it's only been a few weeks. She may reconnect with you some time down the road but you can't push her. Give it some time, there's a 50-50 chance she may have a change of heart. I'm just wondering, has she experienced an abusive relationship in the past?

I appreciate it!

Actually we are both from a religious Jewish background and are both divorced from arranged marriages. She has a 4 year old son which incidentally I grew to adore.
So to answer your question, she wasn't in an abusive relationship but she never loved or had any feelings for her ex her ex and the divorce was a bitter one.

[Darkest Heaven]

My ex had plenty of abusive relationships, and this was our number 1 problem for a long time. After numerous times of me getting dumped by her (the longest period being a week... or 2... or a month, anyways...).

Know what I did? I handled it. I showed her effort, and now, I'm a better person for it.


HOWEVER. Make sure this is her ONLY problem. I asked my ex when she did it, she said it's the only problem she has with me. She lied. Or as she puts it, "didn't know any better at the time". So unless you're positive that this is the only thing and there is no underlying BS under it all, work on yourself and show her through actions that you can beat your anger.

Again I'm going to say, make sure there is no underlying BS going on. For your sake.