Stuck

[nebulachich]

I've been dating a guy for about 5 months. Below is an email fight we had because I've not been feeling he's really into being exclusive with me lately. My comments are bolded. Does he sound like he's full of crap?

Why the invite to see the band last week in lieu of your no-date policy?I wanted you to come.

You do understand why I would find this a little puzzling after 5 months of dating and no invites before? Oh yeah! I can TOTALLY understand why you might wonder.

OK.. obviously something about answering this makes you too uncomfortable so.. so be it. Still kind of puzzled why you turned the "are you dating anyone else" question on me the other night... what gives? Hahahahaha! I can't explain why YOU are puzzled. But I think it's funny! No offense.

Oh come on.. you can do better than that can't you?! Maybe I should ask it this way.. why did you want me to answer first? I'm not sure I get what the big deal is. I think you might be digging for something that isn't there. I thought it was rather clever of me to say "You first." I simply wanted to know your answer. It wouldn't have had any impact on what my answer back to you was though. I still think it's funny that me spinning the question around caught you off guard! Hmmm... vehwy, vehwy intuwesting...

Hmmmmm... I also thought it was interesting you were talking with your roomate about a potential date right in front of me. Did you think that wouldn't bother me or you just didn't care? I'm not sure what you're talking about. OH, now Ithink I remember. You mean when I was talking about my friend J. not wanting to go to an upcoming show because she was pregnant? Or was it something else?

Does J. live in NY? BTW what constitutes a female friend in your mind? You've introduced me as a friend on numerous occassions.. and we've been known to have sex if I remember correctly.Us? Sex? Are you sure you have the right guy??? Seriously, I can not put a definition around any relationship I experience throughout my lifetime. Generic terms just don't do them justice and as I've mentioned before, I refuse to put any aspect of my life in a box. If you want to, that's okay. But I won't. Again, I don't mean to offend. I just can't give you the definition you're asking for.

I wasn't asking for a "definition".. I was simply asking if you engage in sexual activities with your "other" female "friends".. but I suppose the fact that you're evading the straightforward question is maybe answer enough. To some extent, you're questioning my motives. I get the sense that you're trying to feel out what you should expect from me. Maybe I'm wrong about that. But if I'm right, the only advice I can offer is EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!! You never know WHAT kind of experience the universe might have in mind for you! What questions should I be asking you?

So all that talk about monogamy was basically bullshit?My instincts tell me that there is more to this than you simply wanting to understand me better. I'm quite sure there is more to it than that. Look insideL., and tell me what you see.

I see myself trying to aquire facts.. plain and simple.
------------------------------------------------
Wow, I finally got to read your last email reply. This looks and feels like a fight to me. I'm not sure why or how this came about or why you're reaching some
of the conclusions you are, particularly your statement below suggesting that my previous talk of monogomy was all bullshit.

First though, I'm sorry for having to hang up on you last night. I tried to tell you that I was ****ed up, but that didn't seem to impact your persistence in
trying to get the answers to the questions you have right there and then. L., I take your questions very seriously and don't think trying to answer them after I've been drinking a lot is the best thing for either of us. But you kept the pressure on. It was too much. I want to talk with you about this. But
not when I'm ****ed up. I hope you can understand that.

Can we talk about this via voice instead of email? Please let me know if you're interested in doing that, because as of right now, I have no idea where you stand.

Before I end this note, there's one more thing that I want to convey. I have been and continue to be very interested in you. I have told you that I am in Love with you and that I love spending time together. We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed the last time we spent together. Since then I have called you a couple of times just to hear your voice and connect with you because I'm so into you! That's the view from my seat. Then I get hit with questions about monogamy after I've said repeatedly that I am
monogamous and I LIKE being monogamous. So I apologize, but I don't understand what is DRIVING all the pressure for me to restate the kind of person I am. That's the piece that I'm missing right now.

I hope you are able to understand my reason for needing to get off the phone last night. And I also hope you share my interest in talking about whatever we need to in a more personal medium than email.

L,
B.

[msibuc]

I've been dating a guy for about 5 months. Below is an email fight we had because I've not been feeling he's really into being exclusive with me lately. My comments are bolded. Does he sound like he's full of crap?

Why the invite to see the band last week in lieu of your no-date policy?I wanted you to come.

You do understand why I would find this a little puzzling after 5 months of dating and no invites before? Oh yeah! I can TOTALLY understand why you might wonder.

OK.. obviously something about answering this makes you too uncomfortable so.. so be it. Still kind of puzzled why you turned the "are you dating anyone else" question on me the other night... what gives? Hahahahaha! I can't explain why YOU are puzzled. But I think it's funny! No offense.

Oh come on.. you can do better than that can't you?! Maybe I should ask it this way.. why did you want me to answer first? I'm not sure I get what the big deal is. I think you might be digging for something that isn't there. I thought it was rather clever of me to say "You first." I simply wanted to know your answer. It wouldn't have had any impact on what my answer back to you was though. I still think it's funny that me spinning the question around caught you off guard! Hmmm... vehwy, vehwy intuwesting...

Hmmmmm... I also thought it was interesting you were talking with your roomate about a potential date right in front of me. Did you think that wouldn't bother me or you just didn't care? I'm not sure what you're talking about. OH, now Ithink I remember. You mean when I was talking about my friend J. not wanting to go to an upcoming show because she was pregnant? Or was it something else?

Does J. live in NY? BTW what constitutes a female friend in your mind? You've introduced me as a friend on numerous occassions.. and we've been known to have sex if I remember correctly.Us? Sex? Are you sure you have the right guy??? Seriously, I can not put a definition around any relationship I experience throughout my lifetime. Generic terms just don't do them justice and as I've mentioned before, I refuse to put any aspect of my life in a box. If you want to, that's okay. But I won't. Again, I don't mean to offend. I just can't give you the definition you're asking for.

I wasn't asking for a "definition".. I was simply asking if you engage in sexual activities with your "other" female "friends".. but I suppose the fact that you're evading the straightforward question is maybe answer enough. To some extent, you're questioning my motives. I get the sense that you're trying to feel out what you should expect from me. Maybe I'm wrong about that. But if I'm right, the only advice I can offer is EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!!! You never know WHAT kind of experience the universe might have in mind for you! What questions should I be asking you?

So all that talk about monogamy was basically bullshit?My instincts tell me that there is more to this than you simply wanting to understand me better. I'm quite sure there is more to it than that. Look insideL., and tell me what you see.

I see myself trying to aquire facts.. plain and simple.
------------------------------------------------
Wow, I finally got to read your last email reply. This looks and feels like a fight to me. I'm not sure why or how this came about or why you're reaching some
of the conclusions you are, particularly your statement below suggesting that my previous talk of monogomy was all bullshit.

First though, I'm sorry for having to hang up on you last night. I tried to tell you that I was ****ed up, but that didn't seem to impact your persistence in
trying to get the answers to the questions you have right there and then. L., I take your questions very seriously and don't think trying to answer them after I've been drinking a lot is the best thing for either of us. But you kept the pressure on. It was too much. I want to talk with you about this. But
not when I'm ****ed up. I hope you can understand that.

Can we talk about this via voice instead of email? Please let me know if you're interested in doing that, because as of right now, I have no idea where you stand.

Before I end this note, there's one more thing that I want to convey. I have been and continue to be very interested in you. I have told you that I am in Love with you and that I love spending time together. We both expressed to each other how much we enjoyed the last time we spent together. Since then I have called you a couple of times just to hear your voice and connect with you because I'm so into you! That's the view from my seat. Then I get hit with questions about monogamy after I've said repeatedly that I am
monogamous and I LIKE being monogamous. So I apologize, but I don't understand what is DRIVING all the pressure for me to restate the kind of person I am. That's the piece that I'm missing right now.

I hope you are able to understand my reason for needing to get off the phone last night. And I also hope you share my interest in talking about whatever we need to in a more personal medium than email.

L,
B.

It sounds like he was being evasive and turning things around on you in the email. It's tought o really gauge without knowing how some of the previous interactions went that he refers, or without knowing how he can be when "****ed up". But it does sound like there is a problem there as even if he does feel you're pressing him too much about the same thing over and over again, there are better ways of handling it, and he should know better than to talk AT ALL like he did when he's ****ed up, if he was coherent enough to know that he shouldn't talk about whether or not he's monogamous. First impression, sounds like he is not being open about things with you, for whatever reason, and his email sounds like he's trying to be master of evasion with your very direct questions.

[msibuc]

btw - feel free to take a look at my post "communication, trust, relationships" and let me know what you think about my situation (or former situation).

thanks.