ex-GF has new boyfriend, still potential between us

[Volk]

Greetings

I'll jump right in. This'll be long.

About 3.5 years ago, met a girl online, we spoke non stop, then she just stopped using the net (her computer broke). I never really got over her, couldn't delete her account from msn. Then about 2 years ago, I get an email from her saying 'I'm back' and it was addressed to 'everyone' though only sent to me. (Turns out she only sent it to me, aww)

Spoke online for a while, decided we'd meet up after my exams, a week later I tried to leave her (Because I felt like crap because during the first time she left it was the time I started masturbating, yes it is a stupid reason I know, I admit that). I left her for one day and couldn't think of anything else. Upon returning home, my inbox; She didn't let me go, sending lots of passionate emails.
That night I told her I loved her, having never met her.

Seems very ridiculous internet relationships, I know, but perhaps some of you can relate, we knew we were good together, it was so rare for us to even meet. We met up then a few months later and were our first kisses, first relationship, first everything else...
Stayed together for about 1.5 years! Getting over small and "big" problems.

The previous Christmas, we had an entirely pointless fight, for the first time. She wanted to start going out to bars (and had already behind my back) and she thought it was a big deal because I was against drinking before, but it wasn't important to me at all. We both spent too much time arguing about it, and I somehow got upset over:
'How come you'd like to spend times with your friends and not me, am I not good enough for you'
Even though, we'd most of the time be going to bars together.

Yes. Yes I know how unbelievably dumb that is, and I do not think it at all anymore, I look back at myself and think 'How the hell was that even me?!' It is the mistake that doomed us. Not that idea in particular just thinking something completely unimportant was important. I regret it. So much.

It led to months (up to about march from January) of pointless arguing, I kept asking her to invite me out but she didn't because she thought that I still was only going out to bars for her, and that secretly I'd hate it (Which isn't true, but it is understandable how she saw it that way). I should've taken initiative and invited her out. We still spoke online often, but she started avoiding me a lot more.
By at least April we'd put the past arguments behind us, but 'the spark' was well and truly gone for her.

Half way through April we went on a break, and then around the start of May she finally told me she'd found someone else, she'd known him since the start of April, and been going out with him since before 'the break.' And before the break we agreed that we'd see no other people...
I'm not angry about that rule being broken, it's only human. We were our first relationship and it was obviously hard for her to leave me, she could've told me she wanted to leave me in February and things would've turned out different.

It's about 1.5 weeks since she told me, I handled it quite well, I was only slightly emotional. We went out to see a comedian pretty much the day after she told me, and it seemed like everything between us had completely refreshed, we both recognised the futility of the arguments we had, laughed at the same things and made little jokes to each other that other people wouldn't laugh at.
During the breaks she was texting him though. I know, that it is really very highly probable, that if she hadn't built something with this new guy, and I had put my arm around her at that comedy gig, we'd be together again, this is something I'd bet all my money on. I can't be 100% sure, but 99.99999%

We have more in common, more history, and all the old problems have changed. For example there was about an hour journey between us, and we couldn't meet up at each other's homes as we never told our parents, now our parents know and she would do it, in fact, as a friend she expressed interest in coming over, but doesn't want to because of the new guy only.

The new guy isn't just some guy, he, from how she described (though I don't know much) seems like a fairly interesting person. Plus his family already knows so she is spending... more than 3 days a week staying over at his house.

We still share so much which I know they could never share, and even if they were together for 10 years, then split up I know she'd be with me, and we wouldn't **** it up.

It's just so unfortunate, we both matured, I just did a little slower than her, and now she is with someone who is as mature.

Anyway, a little more logically;

I want her back, and as far as I am concerned my life is pretty much a project on how I could do that now. I know she could be happier with me (really).

The more I tell her I love her, the more it pushes her to him, the more I talk about the break up, the more it pushes her to him. The more I contact her the more it pushes her to him.

It's not what you'd expect is it. Anyway, in the times we've spoken since she's leaned on me and I've helped her a lot, made her laugh etc. It occurs to me that she'll never have a chance to miss me, so I'm going the no-contact route.

Imagine you are with someone new, who you really like, you feel 'the spark' with them. If you ex comes up to you pleading to get you back (after you let go of them)... what are you gonna do?

Imagine you are with someone new, who you really like, you feel 'the spark' with them. If your ex, who you are still great friends with, starts doing things that interest you which they never did before so you never got to talk about them (EG: For the guys out there, imagine if your ex got into sports/computer games/etc, imagine being able to speak with your current GF about that)
That's at least something worth considering.

As it happens, I am pretty interested in doing some things myself, which I know she also likes a lot (I'm not changing who I am for her).

I'm quite sure she knows that if she didn't have him, we would be together and very happy, she knows that our problems of the past wouldn't come up again, but I need to prove that to her, not just have told her.

In these forums a lot of the advice seems to be 'Move on' or 'It wasn't meant to be.'
Well, as a scientist I don't believe in destiny ("God plays dice"). There is no 'one you're meant to be with' to me.

Even if the chances of getting back together with her are small, they still change depending on how I act.
eg: If I were to start killing favourite animals and carving her name into them letter by letter, that'd probably lower the chances. As one can imagine.

I realise that this is very long, and probably very disorganised writing, so I hope whoever gets this far can make sense of it.

Summed up:
Brilliant relationship.
Stupid fight.
She found someone else.
We feel 'refreshed' and there is obvious potential for life-long partners.
We're still very good friends.
Only reason we can't is that she has built something with this other guy.

Decision:
May as well try to get it back, it would make both of us happy.

Tactics:
Not so much contact, remind her that I'm there when she needs it, but don't always be there (giving her a chance to miss me, as right now she gets new guy + my care)
Do things I've always wanted to do, which I know she has too, in particular things she won't be able to do with other dude.
Veeery occasionally, express that I've 'accepted' she is with someone else, but I am disappointed she does not think two people like us could have something really special.
Man up. Always need a bit of the ol' physical temptation.

If anyone made it this far, or you're just reading this line because you scrolled down and saw it was the last one;
Thanks.

She and I were best friends, and easily could be.

On a final note, I've set a goal line by 'the end of the summer,' and if that doesn't work I'll probably keep waiting. If anything interesting happens I'll post updates. If it works out then there are some hope for others in my sort of situation.

Any advice welcome.
inb4: 'Move on'
I've heard that before, and decided against it. I'm not hurting, so I may as well.

Interesting facts:
I learnt a language she is fluent in (I'm not fluent).
We had plans to live together and were counting down the days.

Not interesting facts:
Same exact beliefs
Sense of humor which makes others groan but us laugh
Love same things
Both don't want kids, both don't want marriage (unless tax benefits)

and once more, if telling me to move on... I'm not going to make her life, or my life, any worse. As for the new guy I really don't care. If it wasn't him, it'd be someone else.

[Volk]

Or maybe she left me 'cause I never stop yapping

[Sonrisa]

how old are you?

[Volk]

20. Young I know, but I'm rational, despite how I may come off in writing.

[Sonrisa]

so what's the story? cuz i don't have time to read all that.

[Cain]

Honestly, it just sounds like the relationship fizzled. Going the no contact route is obviously the best thing to do, but do you really want to be with someone that dated someone else BEFORE you decided to break up?

It also sounds like she's trying to lean on you as a friend while she has him as her bf.

[Volk]

do you really want to be with someone that dated someone else BEFORE you decided to break up?

She had 'broken up' with me ages back, just she didn't have the heart to tell me. I'm pretty sure it was an honest mistake.

It also sounds like she's trying to lean on you as a friend while she has him as her bf.

Yup, so like in martial arts when someone leans on you and then you just step away they fall over. Heheh, well I'll see. Maybe if we meet up some time and she talks about a problem, she might realise a little better on how I can comfort her means something.

The hard part is actually arranging times where we could even meet up, I guess I don't have to worry about that now as I'm avoiding contact, but physically being there is a large advantage.

[Rollerderby]

I stopped reading halfway through. You've never met this girl? Fras, this is one for the doomed internet relationship forums!!!!!!!!!

If you've never met her you can't expect any kind of real relationship with her.

[Volk]

I stopped reading halfway through. You've never met this girl? Fras, this is one for the doomed internet relationship forums!!!!!!!!!

If you've never met her you can't expect any kind of real relationship with her.

I met her often! She stayed at my house for a week, twice. We went out often, but not often enough.

[WillLoveforfood]

ummm thankfully I read it? ....lol. He met her online, then in real life, they dated for 1.5 years, they had a fight over him not liking bars, they go on break, she finds another dude.... He wants her back...

Hmmm.... You should really start doing things for yourself. Yes, it's good that you making yourself better for her is the reason you are using to get into new fields, and hobbies, but nonetheless... You need to do what you planned. Don't change your personality. Change your area of expertise. Be a more informed person. You might even discover if she is really really worth it...

[Cain]

She had 'broken up' with me ages back, just she didn't have the heart to tell me. I'm pretty sure it was an honest mistake.

That's what she told you to justify it and you believed it? I'm sorry... but cheating is cheating. She cheated on you. End of story.

Yup, so like in martial arts when someone leans on you and then you just step away they fall over. Heheh, well I'll see. Maybe if we meet up some time and she talks about a problem, she might realise a little better on how I can comfort her means something.

No, it really doesn't mean anything. All it means is that she can have a bf to spend time with and give her love to and she can have you to be her emotional tampon and use you to comfort her when she has problems.

[Volk]

I started doing things she enjoys, went out 3 nights in a row.
No contact for nearly a week, though I've texted with no replies, I know I shouldn't have, so I won't anymore.
@Cain: Fair points.

I am getting active (eg: the going out often) but it's difficult not to think about her.
I'm pretty sure she's stayed 5 nights in a row at this new guys house, and I KNOW it could've been here.
I'm getting in touch with older friends (including my good old friend vodka :p). I think it would be good if my friends and her friends could become our friends.

If anything interesting happens, I'll update again. Even if no one cares ;p. Gathering my thoughts and all that.

Have a good night everyone.

[Volk]

Update-ish.
Spoken to her again, she's very open and good friends. I think she stops seeing me as acting like an emotional ex (or at least that is toned down).
We spoke about going out (bars etc) a lot and shared a lot of anecdotes. I think she realised she'd very much enjoy doing that with me.
I'm just waiting once more.

Also, I was reading a lot of "and_for_what"'s old posts. I know he doesn't want her anymore, but I feel like sort of playing it how he did, too. In the same we he met up to make music with her, I'm gonna meet up just to hang out. Nothing more.

Though while drunkened I think I may use 'the look'
You know the one. Just subtle enough so that she can't say anything otherwise it'd look like she was thinking it and not me.

[Volk]

Minor update:
Bars.
She is pretty much not available until June. Because of exams + All the rest of the days she is with the new guy.

I want to show her the side of my personality when I am out with friends, she never really saw it before and I think it is one of my best playing cards. Stories through msn about me going out peak her interest and she shares hers.

[alex12345]

I am not sure about this whole on-line thing. Am i just behind in times?