When homo loves hetero...

[Liebegruesse200]

I’m an exchange student here in Germany, can only stay for 3 semesters. Two semesters have already been past, and I’ve fallen in love with a German student. At begin of this year I’ve got to know him through a seminar, he studies by chance the same subject like me. In that seminar, I’ve made a nice presentation and was therefore a little bit noticeable. After the hour, he came to me and spoke with me for a while. He said that what I had done was wonderful, he wanted to acquaint me. You don’t know, how pleasantly surprised I was! To tell you the truth, it was not the first time that I met him. In former times I’ve already known him, because we have had sometimes the same courses. I always sat to the front and he always at the back of the classroom. Every time when he came in, I paid attention to him. What a handsome man he is! He was not an ordinary student, but a wonderful gentleman! His clothing, his looks, his behavior, all of him fascinated me! You know, he is just the type who I’d like und always search for! But he knew nothing about it and maybe thought that I know him also only through this seminar.

Some days later, we met in a course again. After that he came to me and invited me to drink something in the pub. We had a very nice conversation; he has even told me that he had made once a travel in our country. But during our conversation, a German fellow student has called me; she asked me if I was in this course just now, because she wasn’t. I said yes and she has apparently missed something for the course. She said “Scheisse! (Shit!)” in the telephone and I laughed. I have also said “Yeah, this is really the Scheisse!”, but I’ve seen, he sat near me and seemed to feel unpleasant, as I spoke “Scheisse”. I knew I have given him a bad impression. But you know, to tell you the truth, I really didn’t know how bad the word “Scheisse” in Germen is.

The next days, we met sometimes in the courses, sometimes anywhere in the university. He was always very nice, very polite and very kind to me. In the evening, I have even dreamt of him, of his eyes, of his smile and of his sound. I said to me, “You’re finished, you’ve fallen in love with him.”

As we foreign students had a party in February, I have also invited him. That was a very nice evening, he has also taught me some German and I have told him something interesting in our country. We have also eaten the traditional foods from the different countries. The next day, I have met him again, he asked me what I was going to do in the vacation, and maybe he can invite me at his home. I said, that was very lovely of him but I had to take some examinations and for the moment had few time. If I was finished with the exams, I would call him.

But you know, I couldn’t concentrate at all with my books, I always thought of him, although I sat there with the books. Finally I’ve failed in one exam. I was so sad, because I have never failed in an exam yet. Besides how could I say when I met him? I don’t want to show him that I was so bad and unsuccessful.

I was really pretty sad; I needed him very much, maybe only he could bring me any pleasure and happiness. During the vacation I wrote him an email, although I have his mobile telephone number.

He didn’t answer me.

I wrote again, he didn’t answer me.

I wrote him for the third time, he still didn’t answer me.

I gave up. I was very very disappointed. I have even wept, alone at home.

March, April, May, and June. Four months have been past. I have never met him in the university. I really had no idea, how he was and what he did. But one day in July, we met again by chance in the library. He was very surprised to meet me and spoke to me happily. But I wasn’t so happy and said hardly something. He explained me that he had chosen some courses which but I was not in. Besides he couldn’t receive the mails from the old mailbox any more, has found a student job by the way and had few time. And at the moment, how could I say? He has explained me everything, then I shouldn’t be sad any more.

He asked me, “How are you then?”

I said, “I’m not feeling so good.”

“But why?”

I said nothing. How could I say? Should I just tell him the truth? “I’m sad! Very sad! Everything because of you! Because I love you so, I miss you so! Without you I feel everything is sad and terrible!”

He wrote down my email address again and promised me that he would write me in the next days. From then on I waited. Waited, waited and waited. No mails from him. Disappointed. What a promise that was?

It hurt me, you know? That was a huge pain. And at this time I knew, he didn’t like me, because I am a boy and also a gay, because I’ve spoken “Scheisse”, because I’ve failed in an exam … There seems to be nothing from me which he can like.

Sometimes I’ve fancied that I could go shopping with him in the super market and then cook together at home. Sometimes I’ve fancied that I could go with him together to see the fireworks in the midtown. Sometimes I’ve also fancied that maybe I should buy him a scarf, because the winter comes and it turns cold.

But at this moment, everything didn’t seem to be necessary and possible any more. The only what I should do was maybe to learn, how to forget him. Forget his looks, forget the expression in his eyes, forget his smile, and forget everything of him! One semester later I must go back home, and he will never appear in my life any more. Everything is over.

To tell you the truth, it was so difficult and so hard for me to forget him. I still dreamt of him at night. I saw everyone in the street, who looked like him. I still always remembered the good time that I was with him together. But I said to me, “You must forget him unconditionally! You are a gay, he doesn’t know that. Whether he has a girl friend or not, he can not love you anyway. Besides you must go back several months later. Whether he can accept you or not, everything must be over!”

I was sad, but I must still learn how to be strong. I told me, “Give me 3 months time, I can forget him completely.” I have thought that it could be successful. But who knows, yesterday, unexpectedly I’ve got an email from him!

“Hello!” He wrote, “Haven’t you received the last email of me? I would like to know how you are and what are you going to do in the vacation. I must work every day. But at the weekend I always have time, if you also have time, please answer me and visit me, maybe you can teach me the chess. With kindest regards.”

I have almost wept as I read this email, only because of this short email. I really didn’t know what I should do with this email and haven’t thought that he had still thought of me. Everything seems to be over; everything seems to come to me again. I haven’t received his last email, and I don’t know now, whether I should answer him. If I do that, what shall I write? If I don’t, how should I say, if he meets me next semester, if he calls me with telephone, if he writes me an email again???

I don’t know, I don’t know, I have no idea! I know only one, that is, I still love him so much, but probably after half past a year, he will disappear from my life forever and I from his.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I think I’m almost dead…

[vashti]

I think if you are this taken with a straight man, you ought to avoid contact with him, unless you enjoy rubbing salt in the wound. It isn't going to go anywhere, and only causes you excessive amounts of pain.

[bluesummer]

I agree with Vashti.

Look, you realize this man is not gay, so why are you driving yourself to torment over someone you know you can never have? You can't turn him gay.

You need to find another object of affection and get your mind off of this one.