How to cope with dating a divorced man...?

[ashanti22]

I'm currently living with a man that I have been dating for over a year now. I love him and he loves me, but there's a strong underlying issue in our relationship and I feel like my insecurities are just feeding the flame.

When we met, he was married. The first night we met we talked for hours, literally, the time just flew away from us. I didn't notice the ring...I had never even really considered the possibility that this man coming on to me that seemed so perfect could have been married. We exchanged numbers and he took me out on our first date--At which point I DID notice the ring. Needless to say I was flabbergasted and hurt. What I didn't know then was that his mind was already set on being with me, and so he lied to me. He said he and his wife were legally seperated and she had moved to another state 2 months prior. He wore the ring out of habit, and he said though they had both decided to get a divorce, they had not initiated the process yet. The truth of the situation was that they lived together, had been having marital problems due to his drinking, but she had absolutely NO idea that the "D" word was on his mind. They were not legally seperated, not even emotionally seperated.

I believed him, however, and continued to date him. A (supposed) legal seperation, and a physical seperation of 2,000+ miles, made me feel very comfortable with the situation. It seemed to me his marriage was in fact over, and that I was in no way filling the role of a "homewrecker." He told her he wanted a divorce and that he was falling in love with someone else about a month after our first date, which again, I was not privy to at the time. She went to stay with family for a while, at which time I even went to the apartment they shared, still buying into his lie that she had been long gone. The same day he told her he wanted a divorce, he came into the place where I worked at the time and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I told him then that if he wanted to be with me, he needed to first finalize his divorce, and make a commitment to quit drinking -- because he was clearly an alcoholic. He went to his first AA meeting that day, and has been sober ever since (over a year now.)

Over the course of the next couple months, the truth began to unravel. I was on the phone with him one night and heard her voice in the background, and upon the first seeds of doubt I asked him if he had been honest with me. He confessed easily, being that he was now sober and working a program that encouraged him to take accountability for his actions. I was so hurt and confused when the truth was uncovered, it began to beg the question of whether or not I was just a crutch for him to get through this difficult time. Further more, I found out his wife was still very much in love with him, which made me feel ashamed. I would've never started a relationship with him had I know the truth of their situation! By that time though, their divorce was agreed upon, they WERE actually legally seperated, and I was in love with him.

Still, I didn't know how to handle the situation. I asked him to move in with me. (he had still been living with her! Sleeping on the couch, but in a very small 700 sqft apartment.) Once I knew the truth I became scared and very insecure. He started being honest about when he went to see her, I discovered they still shared their car, I started noticing how frequently she called him... And all the while he was reminding me that none of these things mattered, that he wanted to be with me and that yes, their divorced would take time, but when it was all over and done with he and I would have developed foundations for a wonderful relationship, much like the one we have today.

Ever since those first few months, he has always been honest with me. However it was hard to live with someone who was going through the grief of being newly divorced -- I picked up on every sign of residual emotion between the two of them, and while of course that is only natural, it hurt that he was experiencing those feelings when he was living with and loving me!

Their divorce was not finalized until 9 months into our relationship, and those 9 months were hard for everyone involved. Needless to say, his ex-wife abhorrs me, and as silly as it may seem, that hurts me because I was kept in the dark for so long about the nature of their relationship -- I genuinely didn't know! It's gotten to a point for me where I feel sick and betrayed when she calls him or he sees her. They don't have any children, they no longer share the car which is now his, but they do still have a house together in New York which they decided to split 50/50 in the divorce. It is currently occupied by tenants and they have no intention of selling, so they meet (infrequently) when something comes up on that front. I think those feelings of betrayal arise from my fears in the beginning as I was uncovering the truth of their marriage -- I wasn't sure if he was going to leave me once he was over her, I wasn't sure if he was going to go back to her, and all the while he was just asking me to be patient. "You'll see!" He said.

He's stuck to every promise he's made me. We're very happy together on most days, we're moving into a new place on which we have a year long lease, he talks about marriage and a family with me, I'm very close with his parents and grandparents (who all think I am better for him than his ex-wife), and we have a seemingly ideal relationship. He tells me I "saved his life" due to my pressures on him to quit his drinking, and he really has made a COMPLETE 180 since the day that I met him. He's a kinder, more honest, more genuine and more compassionate person -- the man that I saw underneath all the booze and the deciet.

That being said, I just can't seem to let go of all of the hurt that accrued throughout the process of his divorce. There were days, completely natural, where he said he felt like an "amputee" -- after 8 years with somebody, it's hard to live without them in your life anymore. I saw an e-mail between them at one point where he confessed he was "still in love" with her -- and while it wasn't a plea to get her back, and more of a thank you for handling their divorce so gracefully, it still hurt. Awkwardly, I caught him masturbating to (old!) naked photos of her, and it really hurt my feelings. However, I am more attractive than her and he has told me since day one I am the "best sex he's ever had," and simply said the fantasy for that particular jerk-off session was the taboo nature of him having sex with his ex-wife. Being a very sexual person myself with some horrible fantasies of my own, I can understand that. Regardless, it still hurt. There was so much pain in the beginning of our relationship, and I can see a light on the horizon, but I'm just having trouble coping with his divorce still! I feel icky over the fact that this woman in his life hates me (I want to make amends but don't know how, as to be perfectly honest I don't have much accountability in that situation), and I sometimes feel as though he is comparing me to her when I exhibit characteristics that he's not used to in his partner. (From what I understand, we are polar opposites.)

Then of course, there is the worry that I will end up just like his ex. In his "amends" stage of AA, he discovered that he cheated on her with 26 different women in the course of 8 years. (Not all sex.) She knew about some of them, and other she just chose to live in denial. Now I am the kind of person that would NEVER let that fly. With me, he has never cheated, not once. I know this to be true, as I trust him more than I trust myself sometimes, and like I said, he is very different than he was on the day that I met him. With alcohol removed from the situation, cheating is not an issue. He tells me I am the only honest relationship he has ever had, and that I've done more for him in a year than anyone has ever done for him in his whole life. But I fear for a relapse some time down the road -- I fear that if we get married he'll no longer be happy with me -- I fear I fear I fear!

And for some reason I just need the validation that our relationship is "better," or "more meaningful" or "more real." I can't stand the idea that he once committed his life to another woman -- Our wedding wouldn't be his first, and for some reason I can't just accept that. I think I need someone to tell me it's OK that he's been in love before, or something, I don't know. I need to forgive him for the difficult nature of the first 9 months of our relationship and be receptive to the new chapter in our lives. I can feel things shifting in a positive direction, but every once and a while I get caught up feeling insecure in his love for me. He is the first man I've ever loved, I've always been a very shut off person, and he's done so much for me in that department. But it's hard for me to relate to loving more than one person, when I can't imagine loving anyone else but him. It just doesn't seem plausible, in my mind!

Does anyone have any advice, similiar stories... Or just the impulse to smack me upside the head and tell me I'm being foolish?

[VincenzoG91]

Alcohol doesn't cause cheating or dishonesty, so don't expect his AA experience to completely rehabilitate him as a human being. Your relationship began as part of his lies and cheating, so there is a definite risk that your relationship will end the same way. Twenty-six women? That's an awful lot of cheating in 8 years, like a new woman every three months. I'm not saying that you should leave him, but keep your eyes open.

[Raze]

You know what? When my ex cheated on me when she drank too much, she tried to blame it on the alcohol. Can you guess what I told her? I told her that I don't think it was the alcohol, I think it was YOU. She was the one who did the cheating and wanted to, the alcohol was merely the scapegoat. I think alcohol only brings things to the surface that we wanted to do but our inhibitions stop us from doing that.

I'm going to call it right now, he's going to cheat on you (with whom... I'm guessing his previous wife perhaps?) He's admitted that they have feelings for each other.

He's been lying from the beginning, so what's to stop him now? It doesn't matter if he's a former alcoholic or not, he still lied to you. Your relationship is based on a lie. How many lies are you willing to put up with?

BOTTOM LINE: ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER!

[Indignant]

wrong Raze.

everyone could be a cheater, it's how well you control yourself.

[Raze]

Alcohol doesn't cause cheating or dishonesty, so don't expect his AA experience to completely rehabilitate him as a human being. Your relationship began as part of his lies and cheating, so there is a definite risk that your relationship will end the same way. Twenty-six women? That's an awful lot of cheating in 8 years, like a new woman every other month. I'm not saying that you should leave him, but keep your eyes open.

Where did you find he cheated with 26 women? I must have missed that part. Anyways, it doesn't matter. If what Vince is saying is true, then you have to be careful of STDs. You might want to get yourself checked if you have had unprotected sex.

[Raze]

wrong Raze.

everyone could be a cheater, it's how well you control yourself.

Really? I tend to avoid cheaters like the plague. From what I've seen, it tends to be a red flag.

I disagree, I think if someone has a history of cheating, they will cheat again. Maybe not in all cases, I'll agree with there. I would say 80-90% of the time they will do the same thing again.

People who cheat generally don't have control over themselves.

[Indignant]

Really? I tend to avoid cheaters like the plague. From what I've seen, it tends to be a red flag.

I disagree, I think if someone has a history of cheating, they will cheat again. Maybe not in all cases, I'll agree with there. I would say 80-90% of the time they will do the same thing again.

People who cheat generally don't have control over themselves.

not all cheaters are the same. some will cheat with almost anyone. and there are some who will cheat if someone special comes along.

[kitkitkitty]

what struck me most was.... why are you moving in together, talking about marriage and kids? he was with his ex-wife for 8 years and never had any kids. dyu not think that he's trying to convince himself that he needs all of this again and MORE to try and get over a woman who he admits he still has feelings for. take the cheating as a huge red flag too.

[Raze]

not all cheaters are the same. some will cheat with almost anyone. and there are some who will cheat if someone special comes along.

There are classifications of cheaters now? Doesn't matter what kind of cheater a person is, it's still wrong to cheat.. end of story. Anyway, we starting to move away from the point now.

All I've been saying is don't be surprised if he cheats.

[Indignant]

sometimes cheating turns into a new relationship.

[VincenzoG91]

Where did you find he cheated with 26 women? I must have missed that part. Anyways, it doesn't matter. If what Vince is saying is true, then you have to be careful of STDs. You might want to get yourself checked if you have had unprotected sex.

Tenth paragraph of the first post: "In his "amends" stage of AA, he discovered that he cheated on her with 26 different women in the course of 8 years."

[Raze]

Tenth paragraph of the first post: "In his "amends" stage of AA, he discovered that he cheated on her with 26 different women in the course of 8 years."

Is he a porn star?

[ashanti22]

Owch. Not what I wanted to hear!

I mentioned out of the 26 it wasn't all sex. I believe he told me out of that number, 7 women were sex. And you are right (whoever said it) -- alcohol did not cause cheating, the same way alcohol does not cause alcoholism. But AA is about working through the disease not just by quitting drinking, but by bringing to light all of the horrible things you did, and by asking yourself "what was I trying to numb by drinking so much?"

As far as him cheating with his ex-wife goes -- that's out of the question. I'm confident enough that if he cheated, she would be the last woman he cheated with. And of course he still had feelings for her then! They were going through a divorce! You don't just live with someone for 8 years and poof, feelings disappear. My concern is more along the lines of what kitkitkitty said...

I'm scared he's doing all of this with me because he feels guilty for messing up his first attempt. "dyu not think that he's trying to convince himself that he needs all of this again and MORE to try and get over a woman who he admits he still has feelings for." ---THAT is what I am afraid of.

I'm honestly not worried about him cheating tomorrow or next month or next year. I'm thinking long term here... But really, there's no one at his defense on this one? I was looking for someone to tell me I was being silly to worry! Snap.

Here are the facts...
We've been together a year.
In that year, he hasn't cheated.
Since the 1st three months of our relationship, he hasn't lied about anything. (White lies that people tell don't count. Like... Did you take out the trash kind of stuff.)
He's made me a part of his family, and they all love me.
HE loves me!

He really is a changed man... I cheated in every relationship I've had but this one. Granted, I had never really been in love before but still. People can cheat and then reform themselves, have spiritual awakenings, make drastic life-changing decisions...

And I'd also like to point out, he never cheated sober but with me. Alcohol didn't *CAUSE* the cheating so much as enabled it.

My fear is not that he's lying about all of this, I'm no longer afraid he's going to go back into the arms of his ex wife. I'm afraid that, since I may have started as a crutch for him, he was never really able to heal from his past relationship and he's using his feelings for me to avoid dealing with his feelings pertaining to their marriage.

Then I tell myself though, that the last year of his marriage was miserable, he treated her like crap and we were both miserable people when we met each other. We gave each other sort of a "jump start," I guess you could say... I don't know. Gah. You guys are making me more afraid

[VincenzoG91]

Don't be afraid. Just see him clearly, knowing his weaknesses. Maybe he has changed, and maybe those changes will last. Odds are, he will eventually cheat on you, but maybe he won't.

[IndiReloaded]

When we met, he was married

Great start to a relationship.

The first night we met we talked for hours, literally, the time just flew away from us.

Yep, I'm sure it was the same for all the other women too.

What I didn't know then was that his mind was already set on being with me, and so he lied to me.

You do understand that cheating = lying, right? They are synonyms.

though they had both decided to get a divorce, they had not initiated the process yet.

Ha. Classic!

marital problems due to his drinking, but she had absolutely NO idea that the "D" word was on his mind

Yea, divorce is a great way to deal with one's addiction. Running away from problems always works.

I even went to the apartment they shared, still buying into his lie that she had been long gone.

Still surprised he's a liar? Read my comment above re: cheating.

he was clearly an alcoholic.

Ya, clearly. A cheater and an alcoholic. Boy, what a catch!

the truth began to unravel. I was on the phone with him one night and heard her voice in the background

More same. LOL.

it began to beg the question of whether or not I was just a crutch for him to get through this difficult time.

Almost right. You were a CROTCH, not 'crutch'.

Further more, I found out his wife was still very much in love with him, which made me feel ashamed.

I asked him to move in with me.

Once I knew the truth I became scared and very insecure.

Not ashamed enough, apparently. Your fear of being alone overwhelmed your self-respect and sense of decency. Oh, and that you 'love' him. That makes it all okay.

He started being honest about when he went to see her, I discovered they still shared their car, I started noticing how frequently she called him...

I doubt it, not with his history. But, hey, whatever gets you through the day.

Their divorce was not finalized until 9 months into our relationship, and those 9 months were hard for everyone involved.

Needless to say, his ex-wife abhorrs me, and as silly as it may seem, that hurts me

because I was kept in the dark for so long about the nature of their relationship -- I genuinely didn't know!

Sure you did, its right in your post. You knew for a long time and didn't step aside. I call BS on you for this post. You can lie to yourself, but not to us--we know better.

It's gotten to a point for me where I feel sick and betrayed when she calls him or he sees her.

Call it karma. You'll continue to feel this way as long as you stay with him. If not her, then the next woman he cheats on you with. You'll be looking over this guys shoulder all the time. Like I said--great choice you made.

They don't have any children,

Oh, I'm sure you'll correct this quickly in order to really sink your claws in. If you have any class, tho, you'll consider your future children and the misery you cause them for choosing a lying, alcoholic as a father.

He's stuck to every promise he's made me.

He's a kinder, more honest, more genuine and more compassionate person -- the man that I saw underneath all the booze and the deciet.

Bwahahaha! Are you serious?? The guy is a pathologic liar! Wow, you really need to feel like you are the 'special one' who will reform this bad-boy, don't you? What a way to try to find self-respect.

That being said, I just can't seem to let go of all of the hurt that accrued throughout the process of his divorce. There were days, completely natural, where he said he felt like an "amputee" -- after 8 years with somebody, it's hard to live without them in your life anymore. I saw an e-mail between them at one point where he confessed he was "still in love" with her -- and while it wasn't a plea to get her back, and more of a thank you for handling their divorce so gracefully, it still hurt.

Yes, she does sound like she has the class you lack. He will regret dumping her for you. Good luck with that.

Awkwardly, I caught him masturbating to (old!) naked photos of her,

Bwahahaha! See? Its already happening.

Does anyone have any advice, similiar stories... Or just the impulse to smack me upside the head and tell me I'm being foolish?

Foolish doesn't being to describe you. Sorry for being so harsh but you really do need a reality check (assume this story is even for real--I'm almost convinced you are a troll). Its not too late to bail on this loser. You don't seem to have the self-respect to think you deserve better tho. In which case, I will plead with you to please use birth control. A child in this environment would be a tragedy.

Good luck.