Am I Stupid To Consider Staying?

[jtom]

I just graduated from college last week. I met this girl over the summer and we hung out and fooled around a few times over the summer. However, once school started, we didnt really hang out at all. We did see each other in class weekly and we talked so its not like I had not seen her or anything. Anyways, throughout the time we used to hang out, she gave me mixed messages about if she wanted to pursue a relationship. I took this as meaning she was not interested so I stopped calling her during the fall semester. A few weeks ago she started calling me about our class. However, we ended up talking mostly about other things. While I know she called me for school related issues, she definetly doesnt dislike me. However, this does not mean she likes me as more then a friend obviously. So anyways I asked her if she wanted to start hanging out after school ended and she said that she would definetly call me. However, she is completely financially independent and has worked every single day this week since she is out of school. So needless to say I havent done anything with her. There is no other option; I am either staying here or moving back to my old hometown.

So as I said, I graduated last week and this girl has also graduated as well. She has no idea what she is doing at this point, throughout the semester she gave me mixed messages about whether she is staying or moving back home out of state. I was thinking about staying in the area not mainly because of her but she would definetly play a part and it would be a huge blow if she moved away. However, I know she will not know what she is doing until after I renew my lease. Unfortunately for me, she can pay month to month in her apartment so she can decide to leave at any time.

To make a long long story short, I have not been happy with my college experience. I moved from cross country due to my dad being transferred and lets say I dont have many friends and am very unhappy socially. This girl was the one bright spot in my life the last four years while in college. My parents are just surprised that I would consider staying in the area where I am very unhappy socially. However, I obviously have not told them anything about this girl because we never dated and we dont talk about things like this. As another note, I would be moving back to my old hometown if I decided to leave my college town. However, most of my friends are doing the same old stuff as they always have been doing and it just really depresses me. While it would be better then here, moving back to my old area wouldnt be overly exciting and since most of my friends now have full time jobs, they would be occupied most of the time. I guess I just see myself being alone up there most of the time and doing the same old boring stuff I used to do in high school

Now I am sure all of you are thinking I am crazy for staying for a girl because I can just find another girl somewhere. Unfortunately, at 23, I have never had a gf or even hung out with a girl alone before. This girl was the first girl I kissed and did stuff with alone. Not only that, she is basically everything I wanted in a girl, she is smart, attractive, nice personality, we have alot in common etc. So I guess I feel the need to pursue her as I have never had any luck with girls and that she is everything I want in a girl. However, as I said, she does not know what she is doing with her life and could pack up to go home at any time. I have been trying to talk to her about it but it obviously is an awkward situation. I guess with the way dating is nowadays, alot of things are not said up front and alot of stuff is just assumed or implied. I am just nervous about being up front with her about this but I think it might be the only way. My biggest fear is that she will decide to move back up shortly after I sign a lease for 6-7 months and be stuck here.

I would appreciate any advice

Thanks

[searchingwithin]

If I were you, I would step up and talk to this girl, but the bottom line is, you can't base your choices and future on a girl that you haven't even officially dated.

[jtom]

Yes I know I cannot based anything on another person, especially one that I have never dated. I think the only thing I can do is talk to her in person about this.

Thanks

Anyone else?

[Gigabitch]

I want to know what YOU want to do. I've heard some about what you don't want to do, which is go back home (and I agree- that's not moving forward with your life), but I'm interested to hear about what you actually want to do, regardless of this girl.

[lovesjoyajm]

When do you have to make a decision about staying/signing the lease?

Also, have you considered the option of moving somewhere else besides your home town? Like a bigger city where there would be new people/an active social life/more people you'd be interested in. I agree that it would be depressing to go back home and feel like you're back in high school...

And no, I don't think you're stupid to consider staying, but make sure it's actually what you want, independent of her. Easier said than done, but you do want a social life outside of this relationship, even if it does work out, right? It doesn't sound like your college town is the best place for you. In a new place you might be able to break out of your normal mold, get out of your comfort zone and discover new things about yourself... and a girl that you want to pursue for real, not just because she's the only girl you've ever had any experience with.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

First off, congrats on graduating from college. Now it's time to move onward in life and truly step into the real world.

As for your current situation, whatever you do, do NOT base your decisions off of this girl. You already stated she may not like you as more than a friend, so why are you so caught up? You need to explore everything life can give you. She has her own agenda, and seems to have her life in check and stable, time for you to do the same for yourself. Do what YOU want to do. If this girl was not there, would you still want to stay there? If you did stay there for this girl and things went bad, what would you do when you guys are no longer friends? Make a smart decision. Going back home wont do any good cuz as stated before it'd be like stepping backwards. So if you choose to stay, make sure its cuz you wanted to stay. If you dont, however, try travelling somewhere you've always wanted to go.

[jtom]

Thanks for the congrats.....

The unfortunate thing is that I have only two choices: staying here or going back to my old hometown. I guess neither choice is ideal to me. I really dont want to do either of them unfortunately.

I guess I am just making an issue of this girl because I like pretty much everything about her and she was interested in me as more then a friend at one time, but the issue is whether she still does or not. I am 100% she did like me as more then a friend at one time.

With the lease I have till about the very end of this month or the first week of january. I do understand the consequences if I stay here and things go badly with her or she decides to move. However, I am not so sure I would then move back to my hometown even though socially I do not like it here.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Well if you want a better social life, try going out and meeting new people. New people dont bite.....hard

[jtom]

Well theres a depressing update: she has moved away back home. Once I found out, my reaction was not good, and I realized that I was just considering staying because of her. So I have decided to move back in with my parents who live a few hours away, I will be moving back in with them in a few days. While I really dont want to move in with my parents, I would rather stay there and not be tied down on a lease as I would here. While I dont have many options, at least I can leave whenever I want from my parents house. Its a good thing this happened when it did because I was going to sign a lease in less then a week, that would have been horrible.

Unfortunately I wasnt able to properly say goodbye because her entire family was there helping her move out. I told her I would email/text and stay in touch. I would have liked to talk to her about things but I just didnt get a chance.

I am hopeful that we will see each other again. We are both pursuing the same graduate science degree and have similar career desires. We are both attending grad school in the fall (although we havent applied anywhere yet) and I thought maybe in the future I could mention possibly applying to a few of the same schools becuase we both want the same program and also want to move somewhere new. But obviously I am not sure if that is a good idea or not. I thought it would be nice going to a new area knowing someone etc.

The unfortunate thing is that while she has moved back home to an area where she grew up and has lots of friends, I am moving back in my parents house in an area I have never lived before. They moved to florida after I graduated high school and I havent been around the area much. While this is nothing new, its definetly not where I thought I would be after graduating. While I am hopeful I can move out within a few months I dont really have alot of options: I still dont want to go back to new york and I dont want to stay in florida. I have a feeling that I will be at my parents until august. I thought about starting school in the summer session but very few schools with my program allow new grad students to start in the summer. Ironically one of the few schools I have come across is right near where this girl is now living.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, I am very depressed. I am upset with myself that I let this get to me because we never dated but it just meant so much to me that she opened up to me and showed interest. My heart sunk when I heard she was moving; I will admit I was devastated.

Thanks

[IndiReloaded]

Jtom, you aren't so much attached to this girl as your are the feelings she made you feel.

Completely normal at your age, btw.

You didn't spend enough time together, frankly, to be that invested in this particular relationship.

I think that what you want is companionship. Sex. A GF to have fun with. Also friends to do the same.

So, my advice is to do the things that will help you with this. Get out there, meet ppl, get involved in fun activities, and talk to lots of girls. Other young men here will give more advice on this, but that's basically what you need.

You'll be fine, I promise. This is all normal.