Feelings for a long-time friend - confess or stay silent?

[KiraK]

I'm female, mid-twenties, and have complicated feelings for a male friend of mine. We've known one another 7 years. During the first 4, he was in a relationship and although I had feelings for him that whole time, I didn't act upon it out of respect for him and his partner. Although we were friends, we were never that close; we'd hang out in the same groups, but he wouldn't get in touch to spend time together outside of that.

Three years ago, I moved abroad. A few months later, he split with his girlfriend. I'd visit home for a few weeks a year and during that time we became a lot closer. He was always excited to hear I'd be home and would text me almost every day to hang out. He started calling me by pet names and ending texts with lots of kisses - I mention this because it was very different to his previous ambivalence.

Now, I've moved back home and although I thought I was over my feelings for him, I've found myself wondering about 'us'. We're both single and looking and even after all these years, I still have a soft spot for him. He seems a bit flirty (pet names, hugs and kisses, touches me often, compliments me often, protective of me, etc.) but I'm scared I might be reading too much into this, given my past infatuation with him. The two times in the past I've tried to turn a close friendship with a guy into a relationship they flat out rejected me and it utterly destroyed both friendships.

He's my closest friend in this country and we're contemplating living together, but I think I need to resolve my feelings for him first. If I make a move, there's a lot to lose, but there's also a lot to gain. What would you do?

[KerlySuehuii]

I think you need to decide which is harder, not being with him romantically or losing him as a friend. I was in a similar situation, knew my guy for 8 years but only saw him once a year at camp and my feelings kept growing and our online talks through the year helped us get closer until he became my best friend, then one night, sadly with alot of liquid courage, we went for it and I dont regret it for one second.

[KiraK]

I think you need to decide which is harder, not being with him romantically or losing him as a friend. I was in a similar situation, knew my guy for 8 years but only saw him once a year at camp and my feelings kept growing and our online talks through the year helped us get closer until he became my best friend, then one night, sadly with alot of liquid courage, we went for it and I dont regret it for one second.

Haha, I have been considering the liquid courage pounce for the last few weeks! Then you can write it all off as just being trashed if they react negatively. *ponders some more* Out of interest, what followed your pounce? Were things awkward upon sobering up?

In all seriousness, I would hate to lose him as a friend. We often spend 2 or 3 evenings a week together and just enjoy hanging out in one another's company. There's no pretense and always an easy flow of conversation; it's fun and comfortable. I don't want to make it uncomfortable. However, the progression of things from normal to flirty and all this, "Hi lovely", "Hey honeybun", "Hi sweetness" on text messages makes me wonder if he's thinking the same and we're both just being gigantic wusses!

On the flipside of that coin, I'm the type of person who doesn't date much. I'm rarely attracted to anyone and although I've been out with people before, I've never fallen in love. This is a guy I honestly could see myself falling for and even someday marrying. While I don't think love is more important than friendships, I recognise that for me, potential partners are a pretty rare breed.

[searock]

I think you should tell him how you feel. As soon as possible. No point wasting any more time and risking he finds someone else. Don't miss your chance, or you will regret it. Also, it's disrespectful to him as a friend to keep such a big secret from him. I speak as a girl who has fallen for her best friend and has confessed, so I know what I'm talking about :-).

[KiraK]

searock, you hit the nail on the head with something I've been tussling with. I wonder if I'm misleading him by not saying anything. For the first 4 years of our friendship, when he had a girlfriend, I buried my feelings because it's not appropriate to mess with someone in a relationship. Not telling him was the right thing to do, I believe to this day.

Then I moved away and dated other guys and our lives grew apart. But now we're back together, single and potentially keen on one another, I can't really say there's any excuse not to take action, other than the potential to mess up our comfortable friendship...and my total cowardice...and likelihood I'll end up without him as a roommate if he feels weird about my interest in him.

I don't want to profess love or anything like that...I'm not even sure how I feel about him, but I do feel there's potential there for more than a friendship. Of course, now we've been friends 7 years the weirdness factor is also holding me back a little too. I slept with another friend on one of my trips home and god it was awkward, awkward sex. However we both agreed it was weird and rebounded back to friends again pretty easily.

[searock]

I understand your concerns... but the truth is, what you have right now is an incomplete friendship, precisely because you have feelings for him that you are keeping hidden from him. You two are both single - you are lucky to have this chance. Don't waste it or I assure you, you'll regret it..! It's definitely work the risk. Good luck and keep us updated :-).

[KiraK]

OK, so I bit the bullet and did something about it. We went out last night with a group of friends for a few drinks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and we hugged and kissed on the cheek. Then we both lingered for a bit chatting and before he turned to go I went for a kiss on the lips. He kissed me back (no tongue or anything, but we'll work on that!) and then smiled and we said goodnight.

We're seeing each other again tonight, so I think I'll try and casually chat to him about it if the opportunity arises; otherwise I'm happy to keep kissing him until he figures it out!

[searock]

Great news! Do keep us updated, I love stories like this (close friendships becoming "something more") :-).