Rejected by my best friend of 10+ years. Opinions on what to do.

[Namvt91]

Long story so bear with me please. Im 19 old guy and in college. I've known my best friend(a girl) since kindergarten. She left after 1st grade. We forgot about each other. She came back to the same high school. We were friends again close but not super close. We ended up going to college together and even had the same major. Around this time is when we started to become really close friends we hang everyday be together everyday. She had a boyfriend that lived like 40 mins away. So it was usually just me and her. We studied together we ate together did everything together. She talked about always being there for each other. We said we loved each other all the time.We even slept in the same bed together. There was something we had that just felt right. But i know she loved her boyfriend and i was very cool with this guy and she would do anything for him. They had there ups and downs but always got back together. But sometime during the fall of last year he broke up with her not even in person in a text and without reason.(They have been dating for 2 years.)(Bear in mind here she still isnt over her bf and still not to present day). She just fell apart. She was clinically depressed. She saw a doctor. She talked about ending her life on multiple occasions and even wrote out a letter. Through this time we were still in school. She grew distant from me a little but generally I was there. I was with her most of the time to support her and get her through it. We talked about how she felt and about myself and my life cause by no means was i perfect. It got deep. But the bond we created through this time changed everything for me. I always had a crush on her but it never amounted to anything. But now being so close I started to feel things for her more like being more then friends. But I knew how to be a good friend too. So I never said anything.
Couple months later when she was still getting over her bf. I told her it was just to hard for me to see her go through the things she did and the way she treated me. At this point in time she became very selfish and I felt used sometimes. But i was so used to it I didnt care. But now i couldnt take it anymore. So I told her I couldnt be friends with her anymore. It just devastated her. She was so upset with me. She even told her psychiatrist about it and me. I felt really bad, it wasnt something i wanted to do but the way I felt it drove me crazy. So down the road I asked for her to forgive me she did. I even wrote her a letter and got her flowers on sweetest day. We were same old same old.(Still in school together) Chirstmas came along we told eachother what we wanted for Christmas as presents. She wanted jewelry and i wanted a scarf. I got her a 18k white gold necklace with 1/10th karat diamonds I wanted her to feel special. Treat her special after what she went through. When Christmas came she didnt even want to see me. (said she was sick maybe i believed her a little.) But I didnt even get to see her till new years. At a party she even tried to avoid me. But I came and she was with other guys(who i knew she was into) so I didnt even get to give her my present in person. ( Turns out she didnt even get me anything.) That made me sad, she said she had no money. But got everything for her other friends.( Upset but again used to it.)But later in January we were at party together she even wore the necklace I got her. I told her that I loved her more then a friend. That I wanted to date her. She was kinda upset and blew it off. (REJECTED ME, now i understand that maybe she felt betrayed when i asked her. Someone she trusted and probably didnt think she had to deal with in this way now was. ) She was at a party and just wanted to have a good time. So I went with it and didnt bring it up again.(A month later)
At this point in time we arent hanging out as much she dropped out of school im still in school.With her being depressed and taken meds it affected her school life she just couldnt keep up. So we were busy with life. She now started to hang out with her other best friend from high school (a girl) a lot more. Didnt really need me anymore. But when we would hang out every once in a while. I would be a gentlemen paid for her and such... February came around her birthday came up she had a party was low key but fun. From here we see each other here and there.One day when we were hanging out.She asked me to go to Destin , FL with her and her (girl best friend) and her boyfriend.I said yes it would be great and a fun time to talk catch up see how shes doing. But in the end her friends who I also new and thought I was cool with told her I couldnt come, said I was a mean person.It really upset me. But i kinda understood being mean is kinda in my attitude its who I am. But I felt so betrayed she didnt even defend me and made excuses of why it was better this way. So I didnt push it. ( later she told me she didnt even have that fun of a time.)
Then at a St. Pattys party day before her trip. I learned on this day that she was still after her ex. I knew before this but not to this extent. She and him ended up having sex that night. From what she told me also they have times before that night. It hurt me knowing after what he did to her and how it ruined her life. It really pissed me off. Also I was jealous I liked her and loved her. She was still going for the guy that broke her heart. Later that night when I left. I texted her. Since January I been building up a lot of resentment for her. Many things she did upset me. But I loved her. So I blew up at her. I told her I couldnt be her friend anymore. That I felt so betrayed by people I thought were my friends. For the first time since January, I told her i still loved her and liked her as more then a friend. I wanted to be with her. But I knew how she felt and I knew she didnt love me like that. Again she was devastated. (Later she told me she cried and cried all night.)
She asked me why couldnt we be friends why couldnt it work. We went back and forth with our reasons and neither of us got through. It ended with us not being friends. I put my foot down. She went on her trip. We didnt talk. Didnt see eachother.
3 months went by. In these months she tried to contact me. Tell me how she still wanted to be friends. I just told her it couldnt work. Then one day at a party I didnt know she was coming to. (It was a younger kids graduation party. So really just me and my 1 friend i came with hung out.) She showed up it was werid we just sayed hi and kinda avoided eachother. But later me and my friend. ( Also one of her ex-friend, he was the best friend of her BF who broke up with her.) Went for a smoke break she came along. My friend then left for a beer. So it was just me and her. Out of now where she starts crying. Asking me for a hug and that she misses me so much. I gave in. I gave her a hug told her to stop crying. We then walked to her car so she could get her smokes. She told me how she will always think of me as a friend. No matter what I say and she still loves me. through the night we hung out it was good something i missed. I gave in later in the week asked her to a baseball game. It was great. The way we acted was just like old times. If people didnt know any better they would think we were together.( When we always hung out we were very couple like.I think it ended that way because we were so close and had so much history). But later in the night when I was home. I started to think. Why did I give in why was I so weak. So the next night I asked if I could talk to her. I drove to her house and we talked in the car for like 2 hours. I told her idk if I like where things were headed. That I still wasnt over her and that it was hard for me to say the things i did.That what i needed to be doing was getting anyway from her not closer. She understood how hard it was. Told me she still wasnt over her ex. (This like a year later from the break up.) How she blows off guys who hit on her.( But I know she been on dates with guys since then) She told me I would be good for her that I really understood her. She wishes she could feel for me in that way. But she wasnt ready she was still in love with someone else her ex. That friends is what she wants to be. I understood,but told her friends could only take things so far. Friends is just a word. That i didnt just want to be a friend. This point in her life she had only 2 friends. She was lonely still depressed but was a lot better. I told her even though I said I couldnt be friends with her. Didnt mean I didnt still care for her and that she wasnt someone special to me.In fact she was the most special person in my life. All I want for her is to be happy. I asked her who I was to her. She said I was I was a very special person to her. Someone she planned on having in her life forever. As the night trickled down. She told me she would respect my decision to be friends or not. Maybe just see each other so often. I didnt give her a answer just said ok and that I loved her. She said she loved me too. Now we are basically in present day. Within 2 weeks of our talk we have gone out to eat twice.One time I asked her to. The 2nd she asked me out! She even paid!
So i feel things are getting better. But im in a point in my life were im not happy with who I am. I havent even been hanging out with any of my friends. Just her when i can. I want to get away from people i guess. I want a change of pace. So heres the puncher. I feel like me and her are being same old same old again. Like a couple without the relationship. Its somewhere i dont want to be. So should i stay but be a little more distant make some guide lines. Or maybe just tell her that im not happy and sometimes i dont feel like i can be commited to be her friend and just end it for now,maybe down the road when we have moved on from our past we can be friends. Should I act more like her friend and less like her boyfriend see how that works. I just dont know what to do. I still love her and she is still very special to me.If i new she was committed i would love to be in a relationship with her. But I know she plays me a lot and takes advantage of me a lot! But I know im special to her too. I want her to be happy but I gotta live my life too. Also we never done anything to major. Maybe some drunken grouping and feeling. But we have never kissed or had sex with each other.
Thats the end thanks for reading sorry if it was super long but I have never done anything like this.1st time posting.I had a lot to vent haha. I really appreciate any answers of statements that anyone could give!