Please offer me advice - girlfriend is playing games with my heart.

[bt1980]

Hi. I have joined to get some advice and seek solace in other people's similar emotions. I have been in a relationship with a girl for nearly 7 years and its been a rocky few years and it all seems to be coming to a head this year - a year that started with such promise when she asked what I would say if she proposed to me. That was on new years eve and was probably the closest we have ever been when we went away for a few days.

But in the last few weeks, things have happened which have caused me so much pain emotionally.

A few weeks back I had a bloke come to my door and tell me he had been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year and that they had just split and he wanted to return some stuff of hers to me. Apparently she had been getting him to drop her to mine after work and telling him that her aunt lived there! He did not know about me until a few days previous so I think he was knocking to satisfy his own curiosity.

Anyway, I spoke to him amicably because I had a feeling she was dating him as I had seen a few things written on other people's facebook walls. Not hers because she wont allow me to be friends with her on there but a little bit of facebook research (or as she calls it stalking) throws up so many clues that they were seeing eachother in whatever capacity for a long time before he came to my door.

And telling her then about him arriving at my door, she said he was a immature boy who thought there was something more than there was. But she did go to a hotel with him for his birthday a few weeks before hand which she admitted to. Albeit in separate beds she says. Nonetheless I was heartbroken by this but decided to give her another chance. He did mention that he thought she was dating some other bloke and showed me facebook stuff which showed them both together.

Now a few weeks later, having forgiven her for the first cheating, I am pretty sure she is seeing this other bloke. She goes missing every day that she gets off of work and blatantly ignores my phone calls and texts. Ive put this to her as its been happening for months and she says that she just oversleeps cos she is depressed with her job and needs space. But the other bloke has now listed himself in a relationship and I am pretty sure its with her. She has written on that post and so has someone else and it basically implies its her. And today he has posted a photo of her on his wall so they have spent the day together while she's been ignoring my calls. (he has not made his wall private)

I'm feeling so low and down that the girl I love and had planned to spend my dying days with can be so deceitful. When she DOES see me she is so loving and the hugs she gives are so tight. SHe cried in my arms the other day after we had a little row and I'm sure there is something there. But I dont want to keep feeling so low and in a depresive state when I know that she is with another man when away from me. I'm not sure why she has to be like this. I love her to bits and looking at all the cards etc from years gone by, she has always written she loves me and that I am her one true love and she'll love me forever. Only the other day she rang when I was asleep to let me know she got home okay. I awoke and told her I was having a dream that she was dumping me. She said she would never dump me and said she loved me and I believe she meant it. SO why does she do this? Is it just a sex thing or a thrill of new adventures or what?

I really could do with some advice please as to what to do as I don't know what to do? I want her to know what I am feeling and her actions are having such an impact on me. But I think she is too enrolled in playing these games with peoples emotions that she doesnt stop to think about how its affecting me. I drove on a 30 minute journey tonight after work on the off chance that they'd be in a certain pub where the photo was posted from today of her by him on facebook. They wasnt there so I just sat in a MacDonalds and had a coffee and looked up relationship advice online. I think part of me didnt want to go home to a lonely bed and a house filled with memories of her. I had visions of packing all her stuff into black bags and dropping them to her workplace but I am not that strong as I know all she'd do is accept them and so okay then.

I'm 31 years old and really want to settle down. I dont want to have wasted 7 years of my life with nothing to show. I was hoping to have children real soon and if I dodnt stick with this girl, its going to be years until I have kids, if at all.

Thankyou for reading this and I dearly hope for alot of advice to come flooding this way as I feel I need it so badly.

BT

[smackie9]

Sorry to break the news but you just wasted 7 years. Dude grab some self worth and get out of this unhealthy relationship. Since you have absolutely no balls what so ever, she is continuing on with her "open" relationship with you. This will not change until you break up with her. I really want to go over there and pound some sense into you. You cannot and will not get what you want out of this girl, so now it's time to cut the crap. You are 31 years old for f ucks sakes. You are not in love with her, you are in love with the idea of being in a relationship......this is what is fogging your up your head...you got to stop hiding from reality. ...you have some serious insecurity, low self esteem issues that seriously need addressing. Were you abandoned or lost a parent when you were a child? It seems to me that you suffer from separation anxiety, that causes you angst at the thought of being without her.

[bt1980]

Thanks for taking time to read and reply. Maybe I do have anxiety issues and maybe that stems from the way she has treated me. But my highest moments are when with her and we are getting on great. In my down moments which seem to be nearly all the time lately, I listen to music try to uplift me. Its somewhat ruining my sleep as well. I woke up last night and first thing in my head is her and who she is with bearing in mind she ignored me all day and a photo was posted of her by that new bloke. Luckily I managed to get back to sleep then over slept when I was supposed to be meeting someone for a game of snooker!

My upbringing was good. Two solid parents who had six kids and are still together today. SO I have the idealogy that a relationship is for life perhaps through thinck and thin. My mum and dad argue but are stil together. Maybe thats why I am holding on to her. The never give up attitude. She on the other hand comes from a different family set up. Lives with her mum. Her dad remarried another woman and lives with her a few doors down. ANd her dad still talks to her mum. I wonder whether this set up has given her different morals - that it is okay to be with someone else and still be with someone else?

I don't want that. I want a woman who loves me and only me. I couldnt really expect any other advice than what u gave I suppose. But what do u think my next step should be? I dont want no dramatics. Do I pack her stuff from mine or let her come do it. If I do it she may think I am being viscious but I dont want her to part thinking bad of me. I want her to look back and see what she lost and have regrets. I want her to feel as low as I do. I need closure on this cos I'm hanging by a string and I'm sure its affecting my mental health. Not to the point where I would kill myself so dont fret on that front!

She hasnt rang today still but what should I say when she does fionally ring. I dont want to ring er again today as it makes me lok desperate. I did that yesterday and now she prob thinks she has me wrapped around her little finger which she has in a way. I never used to be like this. She is my first girlfriend and they do say that the first cut is the deepest.

[smackie9]

What did I tell you? Grow some frickin balls. Stop being in denial. Her vagina belongs to many, her words are lies, and the way she makes you feel is by manipulation...it's all been fake, the feeling of love, the nice things she says...it's all BULL SHIT. You have been living in fantasy land.

Step one: pack her shit up and dump it at her door. Don't talk to her, don't look at her just f uckin do it.

Step two: block all emails, phone numbers...take them right out of your phone. And suspend you facebook account...just turn it off for awhile.

Step three:focus on how you feel and don't give a rat's ass about her. You should not give a f uck about how she feels...you cannot control that (like how you had any control over your relationship.....you didn't).

step four: make sure your friends know, and tell them to prevent you from ever talking to her ever again, and to block all temptations.

Trust me on this one, once it's done you will start to feel empowerment from what you did, and you will be able to get your life back.

[smackie9]

Dude, how can you even call her your girlfriend? If anything, she's a friend with benefits and even in that dynamic, she calls all the shots and then just runs to you when one of her many human dildos catches onto her bs and leaves her high and dry for being such a skank. You're just there all the time so she uses you as a human bandaid, always there no matter how piss poor she treats you.

Gather up some self-respect, take back your life and quit leaving it in her hands. Dump her quick and clean, no going back and taking calls - Zero contact. It's the ONLY way you'll ever get over your codependent addiction to her.

Get yourself the professional help you need to learn how to respect yourself so that you'll never let another person treat you in this way again. Staying together because you are afraid to be alone and because you fear never having that person in your life while the ABUSE you is codependency at it's finest. Seek a therapist who is proficient in reprogramming codependents.

You're so brainwashed into thinking you "need" her that you've given up on yourself. Stop the insanity, now.

Yes!!.....I agree 100%

[Wakeup]

Totally agree with Smackie.

Dude, how can you even call her your girlfriend? If anything, she's a friend with benefits and even in that dynamic, she calls all the shots and then just runs to you when one of her many human dildos catches onto her bs and leaves her high and dry for being such a skank. You're just there all the time so she uses you as a human bandaid, always there no matter how piss poor she treats you.

Gather up some self-respect, take back your life and quit leaving it in her hands. Dump her quick and clean, no going back and taking calls - Zero contact. It's the ONLY way you'll ever get over your codependent addiction to her.

Get yourself the professional help you need to learn how to respect yourself so that you'll never let another person treat you in this way again. Staying together because you are afraid to be alone and because you fear never having that person in your life when they have been so ABUSive to you is codependency at it's finest. Seek a therapist who is proficient in reprogramming codependents.

You're so brainwashed into thinking you "need" her that you've given up on yourself. Stop the insanity, now.

[caligirl23]

Smackie, you are incredibly rude. Some people here post stuff because they are hurting and looking for advice. You can be honest w/o being so nasty.

[smackie9]

It's called tough love.....sometimes a slap in the face is needed for people to realize that's it's time to take the medicine that is needed to make them heal. People bring on the pain all by themselves, and not by the person they so accuse.

[smackie9]

You must be new....you will see that there are a lot of us that are heavy handed with the advice on here. If you don't like it go somewhere else.

[Boisdevie]

I agree with Smackie; Sometimes people are so deluded they cant see whats happening and a virtual smack is the only answer

[caligirl23]

That's what I am saying "if you don't like it, go somewhere else". Very nasty and just an all around mean person. Big difference between a virtual slap in the face and just being rotten.

[Cerulean.]

I agree with Smackie. And to be honest, I'd rather get the cold hard truth from people rather than the nice, sugar coated crap. People will either take it as a wake up call, or become offended and weak minded. This situation is bull-crap, she's a turd and needs to be long forgotten, and for the OP to move on ASAP.

[smackie9]

That's what I am saying "if you don't like it, go somewhere else". Very nasty and just an all around mean person. Big difference between a virtual slap in the face and just being rotten.

My advice is between bt1980 and me, and what I say and how I say it to them is none of YOUR business. I'm not breaking any rules. Stop wasting my time and everyone elses time. You are the real peach here not me...you are the one throwing around the insults.

[bt1980]

Thankyou to all who have posted advice. Its an amazing world when people who dont even know me can takethe time to help me out!

As an update, she hasnt called me since Thursday. Despite me writing her five texts on Friday night asking to see her and one which said "I love u. You know that right? X"

No reply from that and as I may have said, she turned her phone off for the rest of Friday night. I haven't called or text her since.

I am trying to not look at her facebook profile pic or his for that matter as I know it will be hurtful to see maybe a photo of them both together. I still need to remove the photos and clothes etc from my bedroom and house. I know I need to do it but that does seem to be the final nail if I do that.

On a lighter note, I went out with a couple of friends last night and kissed a girl and got her number and am hoping to see her next weekend. I am 31 and she is 23 though. Does that work or is that strange. She seems like a nice shy girl and I thought pretty so I will pursue it to keep my mind good. I dont see it as a rebound relationship as this one I'm in has been toxic for along while.

Ive found the No Contact easy over the weekend and am back to work tomorrow. I know I'm going to have contact soon. She owes me a few hundred quid too might I add. Not sure whether to try to get that back.

When I was out last night I spoke to a couple of her male freinds who I recognised. They were supportive and said I should move on. And I think they may have seen me kissing that other girl or at least with my arms round her. And I'm left feeling worried in case word gets back to her. Makes me look just as bad as her cos the relationship hasnt officially ended. Maybe thats why she hasnt called. Cos she knows about that.

Please do not biccer amongst yourselves. I think its good to speak harshly to me. I'm not wanting a cuddle, just the truth. And sometimes the truth hurts. But thankyou all for being compassionate. I love you all!!

BT

[smackie9]

It's good that you are making steps to move forward. Just enjoy time for yourself and so stop worrying about "what she thinks". It doesn't matter anymore. Meeting and enjoying the company of that girl is the most positive thing you have done in a long time. As for her stuff, find a close friend or family member to help you with this task...support is what you could really use right now to help guide you along closing this chapter in your life. Life goes in many cycles, this one is at it's end and you are starting a new one. No worries, in time you will feel no more pain and a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders. Oh and the money.....cut your losses and forget about it.....it's a small price to pay for freedom.