I have ZERO confidence in the bedroom and can't act upon my feelings...HELP!

[ShyGuy81]

Hello,

So long ongoing saga with my current relationship, got to the bottom of what was wrong. Turns out it was me not making my girlfriend felt wanted.

So when it comes to the bedroom, I have ZERO confidence but I have no idea where to start with getting over this.

This has been going on for our whole relationship, but if I don't managed to salvage this and we both move on this is going to follow me so I need to get over this.

I am very inexperienced when it comes to sex, my current girlfriend is only the 2nd person I have been with. What doesn't help matters however if my 1st girlfriend I think cause a lot of damage to my confidence which I am finding it hard to get over.

Obviously the first partner you are with you should be finding out about yourself, learning who you are and exploring a new side to yourself.

Now this is all very well but my 1st girlfriend was experienced, and the whole learn a few tricks from a experienced partner didn't really apply. She was very selfish in the bedroom, it was all about her, what she wanted and if she didn't like it or it wasn't good for her then tough. By this I don't mean stuff like chaining her to the bed and whipping her kind of she didn't like. I mean just basic stuff like fooling around, different positions, exploring each other, etc.

Also every time we had sex she would always use a vibrator/vibrating ring, which again a bit of a confidence knock there.

Kissing, well she wouldn't as she said I wasn't very good and she didn't like kissing during sex at all.

In essence I was a living sex toy to her, at least that is what it felt like.

So my first sexual experience was shall we say not the greatest and left me with a lot of insecurities. Now with being with my current girlfriend I struggle to let go and act upon what I want to do as I am not used to it. This obviously frustrates her, I pick up on this, get more nervous and we just don't connect. Now as I know this is a problem every time we start getting together things are going well up until the point we start to have sex then I freeze up and I am constantly questioning myself about is she enjoying it, and I doing it right oh and of course I have to ask her this as well (not kidding, you can imagine how this goes down though).

So I find myself stuck in a loop, I have all these urges and I just can't act upon them. I am driving my current girlfriend away and if I don't get it fixed and loose her then this is going to plague my next relationship, and after that and after that.

How do I undo the damage that has been done and restore my confidence? Why can't I just let go? I want her so much, and all the feeling are there but my actions do not support them as I just get so nervous and don't know how to be me.

Any advice would be appreciated as this is driving me insane,

Lee

[Bigboy77]

get drunk and try it lol... :S
focus on your pleasure only if u can helps too i guess...

sounds like you got performance anxiety

[IndiReloaded]

This sounds like a job for Frasbee. Bump.

[jimmy1200]

I think going with Big Boy's suggestion, wouldnt be a bad idea at all...

Past experiences are a nightmare, but she was a user, instead of thinking of it as a bad thing, try think that now things are great because its over!! Its very hard not to dwell on the past. I think going with Big Boy's suggestion, wouldnt be a bad idea at all... But dont get too drunk so it'll not even happen lol

But seriously, have a few drinks, just to losen the inhibations and worries, and just get down to it worry free...

If that doesnt work, or not up your street, why not make a game for the two of you to play, like get her to write down 5 things she likes / wants you to do, then fold them up and you pick one and give it your best. If you do what she loves best she'll be happily pleasured and you will see her enjoying it and in turn give you the confidence to go further etc...

One step at a time with this one.

Go for it!

[ShyGuy81]

Thank you, it is very hard not to dwell on the past. It kind of gets in your mind, more so when you know it is an issue.

Maybe having a few drinks may help, I will have to give it a go if I end up back together with my girlfriend. If not then it will be something I will have to take with me and overcome in the future.

It's a shame it has got this far, but in the past we have had a good time and it has been amazing. It is just few and far between.

Thank you once again, when I get the chance I will try the suggestions and hopefully it will give me that little boost I need to progress forward.

Lee

[jimmy1200]

Trust me I know about the past, I'm getting better at not letting it get to me as much as it used, its been hard but now I see I'm better off for it.

Ya things suck when the get too far but its not over until its over.

Just take some time to clear your head before you meet her, try not let and worries of fears about what might or might not happen later and go from there.

I hope it all woks out for you! Keep us posted!

[SpringRomeo94]

Whoa there ShyGuy.....don't get to overwhelmed. Ok, not everyone has confidence in the bedroom. It's true, sometimes it takes time to get good at it. Look, I'm no dynamo in bed, or at least i wasn't, but the one thing I always make sure to do is let her know that she is the only one there. Focus all your attention on her, make her feel wanted, make her orgasm, and don't worry about yourself. Caress her body and run your had up and her rib cage, slowly along the side of her breast. Gently kiss the inside of her elbow, just enjoy her body.

If you want some more tips, just look at:
On the second thought, I realized I should not post a spam link to a questionable site so the mods don't get mad

[ShyGuy81]

Whoa there ShyGuy.....don't get to overwhelmed. Ok, not everyone has confidence in the bedroom. It's true, sometimes it takes time to get good at it. Look, I'm no dynamo in bed, or at least i wasn't, but the one thing I always make sure to do is let her know that she is the only one there. Focus all your attention on her, make her feel wanted, make her orgasm, and don't worry about yourself. Caress her body and run your had up and her rib cage, slowly along the side of her breast. Gently kiss the inside of her elbow, just enjoy her body.

If you want some more tips, just look at:
On the second thought, I realized I should not post a spam link to a questionable site so the mods don't get mad

See I do focus a lot of my attention on her, I enjoy caressing her body and stroking her skin but she tells me that she doesn't feel like I really want her. Partially as I am quite shy and lacking in confidence I would imagine I may be coming over very timid and unsure, this is the problem. For some reason her mood seems to disappear very quickly which I can tell so then it kind of just stops.

Obviously not being confident means that little things like this really throw me. I sometime try and be spontaneous but I often get blown off which again causes problems as when I am feeling quite confident in myself something usually happens to mean that we can't continue. Then other times when we do get the opportunity I may not be feeling over confident and then get thrown easily.

All this is making it difficult to overcome my confidence issue, that and the fact we are "on a break" at the moment as well.

This is one of my concerns as if we don't get back together, and knowing that this is one of the reasons she has been unhappy in the relationship it is something that is going to knock me further and follow me.

I suppose one question I should ask is can people just not be sexually compatible, everything else is great between us (at least was until recently). Can you have a great relationship with somebody, find them sexually attractive but for some reason when it gets down to it there is just an incompatibility?

We have had great sex in the past, a few times but the number of bad times have outnumbered the good. Just trying to work out what I can look at doing different and for answers really.

Lee