Am I selfish for choosing my boyfriend instead of my family?

[Ont]

Hello,

I'm 22 years old. I live at home with my mother and my brother (29 years old).

I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months. From the very beginning our relationship has been long distance; he lives in US and I live in Canada. Luckily, we're only about an 8 hour drive from one another. He's come to visit me multiple times. All in all the distance isn't too horrible. We miss each other terribly between visits, but we've decided to work through it. Although I'm graduating this year, we both know it will take serious time for me to get job in the US. He's still in school, but is looking to transfer to a college closer to me.

My relationship with my boyfriend is solid. It's the relationship I have with my family that is crumbling.

In addition to being from different countries, my boyfriend and I come from different cultural and religious backgrounds. I'm black, he's white; I'm muslim and he's catholic. All of that clearly isn't a problem for either of us -- nor his family. They're incredibly welcoming towards me and they could care less about my background. My family -- specifically my mother and my older brother -- hate him. My elder sister and my father don't mind at all. They both have talked to my boyfriend and agree that he seems like a good person. The only time my brother has had a conversation with him was in order to threaten his life or the life of his family (should anything happen to me). My mother refuses to talk to him. My boyfriend has said that he wouldn't mind talking to her, but I'd rather he didn't. All that he would get are more threats and profanities.

Neither of them want to get to know him. All they want is for the two of us to end our relationship. My mother doesn't like that he's white and non-muslim. My brother doesn't like that it's long distance, that it's not a relationship my mother likes, and perceives my boyfriend to be a "redneck". They're both very much about being a collective. My choice in mates directly affects their life and I am selfish for not picking someone they can feel comfortable with and can include into their lives. I think my mother stresses the most about it because I'm with someone that can ruin her image within our community. That's all she has besides her family.

They say things like, "you're making your mom sick," "if she dies, it's your fault," "you don't love us", "you're selfish", etc. There was a period of time when being at home was unbearable, so I'd study and stay at school for as long as possible and only return home to sleep. I even almost moved out, but stayed because my mother didn't want me to leave. Now it's better after he's come to visit me a few times. They still hate it and they're ALWAYS surprised and angry when I tell them when he's coming.

I'm planning going to see him as soon as I'm done the semester. I've warned my brother about doing it, but I don't think he believes me. He told me I'm an idiot and anything can happen to me there. Although, I figure that anything can happen to me anywhere. He also said that the only way he'd let me go visit him is if my boyfriend and I married. I'm dreading telling my mother, but I know I'll have to do it. I know that it'll once again create an incredibly toxic atmosphere at home. My mother will cry and stress out when I leave -- assuming she won't try to stop me.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd return to once I come home. I have a plan in case I come home to changed locks, but other than that I have no idea. All I know is that it will be bad. I can't avoid going to visit my boyfriend. It's not fair for him to be the one to always visit me. He understands the situation -- which is why he's comes to me, but it can't continue. Financially, it can be difficult since he has to stay in hotels. My brother insists that if we want see each other my boyfriend should be the one to make the trip. Always. Until we are married.

I love my boyfriend, but I'm not blind to the realities that I face today or will tomorrow. I'm ready to take them on to be with him. I'd rather try than regret giving up and losing him.

Am I selfish or crazy for disregarding my mother's feelings and stress? I am sad that I can't give her the future family she imagines.
She's threatened to disown me if I marry him and believes I don't love her. The same is true for my brother. The only way to prove it to them would be to breakup with my boyfriend. I refuse to do that.

I'm tired of being emotionally guilt tripped.


Anyone else ever been in a similar situation?
I'm just looking for some more insight.

[Ont]

Thirdly, this BF of yours needs to get his shit together before he can see you. If your BF has to stay in hotels, girl you are f uckin nuts to drop everything for a guy that is living in destitution. If you were my daughter, that would be the contributing factor for me to be against this relationship. If you have no job or money, he has nothing, what the hell do you think is going to happen? You are going to end up on the streets, and who is going to get you back home? They may even reject you so where will you stay then?

He stays in a hotel when he comes to visit me because I don't have a place of my own. We're both full-time students with part-time jobs and live with our families.

IMO Canada has more to offer you financial stability, job security and we have affordable healthcare....we all know the USA is f ucked in all those aspects. You are going into a lions den and it will put a horrendous strain on your relationship when money becomes non existent. A friend of mine have been living and working down there for many years, he admitted to me since he is Canadian, even with all his great references and experience, he is having trouble finding steady work.

You're right, that is something to seriously consider. Thank you.

[pcmaster]

Well I think that you should live your life as you wish. Your life not your mothers life or your brothers life as they want you to.

However you are just 22 so all your dreams and goals are very importand. Dont risk what you cant afford to lose. Whenever you both stay together for life or just a couple of days make sure your long term plans are still doable. What I mean is stay on your way with future plans and achievments that you had before this confusing love thing. There is no guarantee you both gona be together forever so put yourself always first ofcourse BF can come straight afterwards but you are most importand(I just started understand your mum and brother)

If you gona give up on your family its ok they will understand - they once were in love too.

Have fun and be smart !

[michelle23]

I dont understand these people who try to control their kids lives. It is ridiculous . Look its your life and your decision. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your not doing anything wrong and hes obviously crazy about you-hes travelled 8hours to be with you and paid for hotels etc multiple times.

Your mother and brother are wrong here. By giving you ultimatums they are just pushing you away and that is their fault. I recommend you finish school, move to the US to be with him and get a job. Telk your family you love them and want them to be a part of your life but I
they are hurting you and your not gonna tolerate anymore of this crap and you dont want to hear it again.

They can either accept him and be nice or lose you. They cant dictate to you, tell you who to marry or hate him just coz hes not black or muslim. That is stupid. Its wrong to say that crap about her getting sick or dying. Thats not gonna happen and if it does it wouldnt be your fault.

[smackie9]

Just take it one day at a time. You are in love, and I know right now it's tough to listen to reason. I don't think you should be in any panic over this....you still have school to finish, etc. Remember always think of YOUR well being first.

[HeartIsAching]

It's absolutely ok to choose happiness over emotional and mental abuse. Your brother and your mother are using coercion and threats to try and force you to do something they want you to.

Where is your family originally from? You say you're black and Muslim, and talk about a 'Muslim community' in your area. Is your family a recent-ish (generation-wise) transplant? If so, is this behavior that is culturally acceptable/expected where they're originally from?

[Ont]

Just take it one day at a time. You are in love, and I know right now it's tough to listen to reason. I don't think you should be in any panic over this....you still have school to finish, etc. Remember always think of YOUR well being first.

I'm not worried about finishing school. That'll happen in about three weeks.
I am worried about my own future. I know that if I go see him I will lose the support of half of my family. I know I can survive on my own -- especially once I finish school and can get another job, rent a place with friends, etc. I just feel pressured by their US or HIM ultimatum. Their panic is making me panic. I am trying to remain calm about the whole situation, but it does feel like time is short with my trip to see him approaching.
That'll definitely be the final straw for them.

[michelle23]

They are the one giving the ultimatum-not him or his family. If they can seriously cut you off iover this-ythey have issues. You are unhappy at home so i think you should leave for you (not for your bf) and tell your family that youd want to stand on your own two feet and make your own choices whether it works out with your bf or not.

You cant stay and allow them to treat you so bad. They are being cruel and unfair.has your dad tried to stick up for you? Can you ask him for help with the situation?

[Ont]

My family is originally from Somalia. We came to Canada when I was a year old.
My behavior is not at all accepted in this culture, but it's not unheard of. My cousin married a white man, as well as my aunt. However my mother doesn't see these as examples as anything but tragic.

[Ont]

They are the one giving the ultimatum-not him or his family. If they can seriously cut you off iover this-ythey have issues. You are unhappy at home so i think you should leave for you (not for your bf) and tell your family that youd want to stand on your own two feet and make your own choices whether it works out with your bf or not.

You cant stay and allow them to treat you so bad. They are being cruel and unfair.has your dad tried to stick up for you? Can you ask him for help with the situation?

My father was surprisingly supportive. My brother had called to inform him of the situation and was shocked that my father didn't share the same attitude. I had no idea they had talked about it until my father called me to ask if I was alright. He said that I could move in with him, should the situation at home progress to something abusive.
However, I still have a bit of difficulty trusting him. There's a little voice in the back of my head that yells, "It's a trap!"
He works and socializes heavily within the Somali community and I'm worried that he cares about his image. I did voice my concerns, and he did try to assure me that it's not a trap and he doesn't care what people think. Still, there's this nagging feeling.

[HeartIsAching]

My family is originally from Somalia. We came to Canada when I was a year old.
My behavior is not at all accepted in this culture, but it's not unheard of. My cousin married a white man, as well as my aunt. However my mother doesn't see these as examples as anything but tragic.

Heh... I nailed it. Figured N. Africa somewhere, and 20-ish years.

That's really too bad. Hope things work out for you.

Well ok, Somalia is more E. Africa.

[smackie9]

No matter what, your family will adjust to your situation. Everyone is in a panic, but will see it will be all for nothing. In fact nothing really has happened. You may or may not live in the states, things might end with said BF, who knows what's going to become of this....so I wouldn't worry about anything until it actually happens. Deal with it then.

[michelle23]

If you dont trust your dad either dont move in with him. Your family could easily try to force you into an arranged marriage. I no these things happen in your culture so be very careful. If your afraid of what they might do start planning your escape now.

[pcmaster]

start planning your escape now

LOL, run and dont look back !

Its hard to understand why you dont trust your dad - unlike mum and bro hes supporting your position. Whats there for him to stand behind someone who go against the grain with community. I think hes in there for you because you are his little girl.

Really dont see how this can benefit his image. I would choose my kid over community aswell.

[toknow]

This is not a threesome or foursome. This relationship is only between you and your boyfriend. The only requirement from your mother and brother should be that you are happy. If they want anything other than your happiness, then that is selfish on their part.