She claims she is coping and experimenting?

[venom2015]

Me and this girl have dated for almost 2 years now in high school. Now before I continue, I get the whole "youre in high school" speech..but me and her click so well together its unbelievable.
Anyway, so she is going to be a senior and im moving 2 hours away and she has attachment issues and to be quite frank, i wasnt giving her everything she needed. After the fallout, I came out a better guy and realize my mistakes and have changed for the better. The issue being, she says she wants to be with me, but she cant date me in college because she cant handle the distance. She is afraid I might find a new girl at college, which is fine! I get distance scares her, but the problem lies with what she is doing currently. Instead of, "lets take a break and date in college" and then we both wait, she is DATING OTHER GUYS. Like the title suggests, she claims that this helps her cope and that she is experimenting with types of guys to help her find what she wants. She says she wants to date me in college and that moving away from our home town will help us both.
Should I be okay with this? Should I just let her date other guys and find herself while im away and then try again in college?

[basilandthyme]

Hi Venom, it sounds to me like the bad patch in the relationship has made her want to see if there's anything better out there. You going away right now is probably the worst thing you can do for this relationship - how can you work to fix your mistakes if you're not there? Anyway, she's seeing freedom and a new start and is grabbing it with both hands. Sounds to me like she's keeping you as plan B in case she doesn't meet anyone better in the next two years. Shame she couldn't be honest with you (or perhaps honest with herself?)

That being said, I also think it's unfair to expect someone to wait for us if we leave for two years.

Time to end this relationship. Go away and have fun without worrying about her at home.

[TheEvilJester]

I'd like to say I could offer a more positive perspective, but in this case I am with basil. Whether she intends it or realizes it or not, it sounds like her "experimenting" is her way if seeing what is out there. I would also agree that, whether she necessarily realizes this is what she's doing, she is essentially breaking up with you, but trying to keep you as an option in case she doesn't find anybody she likes between now and when you two would be geographically close again.

You are not anybody's fall back plan or option B. Nobody deserves that. She is not being fair to you. The fair thing to do is either:

A) Break up, but amicably so. It is a break up because of distance, not because you two don't get along or are wrong for each other. You can break up with the idea that maybe if you two happen to still both be single when you are geographically close again, you could always revisit things, but there should be no expectation of "Let's sorta kinda break-up, but we're getting back together in a couple years."

OR

B) Decide you two want to stay together and make it work, and therefore do your best to make the long distance thing actually work. It is very hard to do, but it CAN be done. It takes commitment on both sides. It takes hard work to make sure you make as much time as you can for each other while not letting your school and or work lives suffer. However, it CANNOT work if it is with some kind of understanding that you two are allowed to date other people.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. .....You know something. That saying never made much sense to me. What the Hell else am I going to do with my cake besides eat it? LOL!

But, being serious.... You can't have the best of both worlds. Either you two need to set each other free 100% and just see where life takes you, or you need to decide to stay together and commit to each other and to doing your best to make it work.

So, what should you do? Well, I hate to say this, but I guess that is really up to you. You have to decide what you think you want and go for that. All we can really do is offer our thoughts and advice, but we can't really tell you what you should do.

If you think you'd rather try to make it work rather than risk possibly losing her, then I'd say you talk to her about that. Still, to me it sounds like she is pretty set on exploring, so chances are she is not likely to change her mind on that. If I were you, I think I'd tell her that we need to just let each other go. That if, when we are both in college, we are actually still both open to it we can possibly revisit the relationship then, but that for the time being it would just be best not to hold each other back. You shouldn't put your own life on hold for somebody who obviously isn't doing the same thing. If you wound up waiting for her, and then she found somebody else and decided she wanted to be with him instead, that would be opening yourself up to hurt you don't deserve and sure as heck don't need.

Either way, good luck to you. If, unfortunately, fate should decide that you two won't wind up together, all that means is that there is some other girl out there looking for you.

[venom2015]

I'd like to say I could offer a more positive perspective, but in this case I am with basil. Whether she intends it or realizes it or not, it sounds like her "experimenting" is her way if seeing what is out there. I would also agree that, whether she necessarily realizes this is what she's doing, she is essentially breaking up with you, but trying to keep you as an option in case she doesn't find anybody she likes between now and when you two would be geographically close again.

You are not anybody's fall back plan or option B. Nobody deserves that. She is not being fair to you. The fair thing to do is either:

A) Break up, but amicably so. It is a break up because of distance, not because you two don't get along or are wrong for each other. You can break up with the idea that maybe if you two happen to still both be single when you are geographically close again, you could always revisit things, but there should be no expectation of "Let's sorta kinda break-up, but we're getting back together in a couple years."

OR

B) Decide you two want to stay together and make it work, and therefore do your best to make the long distance thing actually work. It is very hard to do, but it CAN be done. It takes commitment on both sides. It takes hard work to make sure you make as much time as you can for each other while not letting your school and or work lives suffer. However, it CANNOT work if it is with some kind of understanding that you two are allowed to date other people.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. .....You know something. That saying never made much sense to me. What the Hell else am I going to do with my cake besides eat it? LOL!

But, being serious.... You can't have the best of both worlds. Either you two need to set each other free 100% and just see where life takes you, or you need to decide to stay together and commit to each other and to doing your best to make it work.

So, what should you do? Well, I hate to say this, but I guess that is really up to you. You have to decide what you think you want and go for that. All we can really do is offer our thoughts and advice, but we can't really tell you what you should do.

If you think you'd rather try to make it work rather than risk possibly losing her, then I'd say you talk to her about that. Still, to me it sounds like she is pretty set on exploring, so chances are she is not likely to change her mind on that. If I were you, I think I'd tell her that we need to just let each other go. That if, when we are both in college, we are actually still both open to it we can possibly revisit the relationship then, but that for the time being it would just be best not to hold each other back. You shouldn't put your own life on hold for somebody who obviously isn't doing the same thing. If you wound up waiting for her, and then she found somebody else and decided she wanted to be with him instead, that would be opening yourself up to hurt you don't deserve and sure as heck don't need.

Either way, good luck to you. If, unfortunately, fate should decide that you two won't wind up together, all that means is that there is some other girl out there looking for you.

Okay, this is very true and thank you for well thought out answer. The thing about her is, she enjoys me so much, that she wants to keep me as a friend. Should I completely cut ties, or should I be her friend?

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Look below for my reply, I want to ask you both but wasn't quite sure how to do that .-. lol

[basilandthyme]

Cut all ties. It would be far too painful for you to be her friend while watching her date others. Besides, you need the space in order to move on and get over her. Yes, she will be sad about this - but just remind her that this is the natural consequence for her choice.

[Nicolelong]

Sooo.... you can't meet/date other girls because it's "scary" for her, but she can date and experiment all she wants until she decides she might want you back? Yeah right. If she really, truly loved you, she would at least ATTEMPT a long distance relationship. And two hours is not a huge distance. To immediately write it off without even trying, and then start dating other people..... she's not as into this as you are. It's insulting that she would assume that she can pick and choose when you will "get" to have a relationship with her too.

Nope, nope, nope. Have fun in college!

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with Nicole and basil.

Honestly, it is very rare that a transition from relationship to friends is a good idea. It CAN work, but that is rare. Now, I don't know you personally, nor am I inside your head (or AM I..... your leg really, really itches.... RIGHT NOW!!!)

So, I can't know how you personally feel about the situation. To me, here would be the criteria to say it is okay to remain friends with an ex
A) Don't talk about Fight Club.
B) Don't talk about Fight Club.
C)There are no left over hurt feelings.
D) In remaining friends, you would NOT really just be kidding yourself, and truthfully just be waiting around hoping they decide they want you back.
E) In remaining friends with them, you let go completely and allow yourself to look for a new relationship (again, without just secretly wishing they were her).
F) There is some reason it makes sense for you two to remain friends. You both get something beneficial out of it.
G) Don't feed them after midni..... wait... that's Mogwai (you know.... assuming you don't want them to become Gremlins, anyway).

Really, more often than not, amicable or not, it is best not to remain friends with an ex. Friendly, MAYBE. In other words, if there are no hurt feelings, you can perhaps relatively keep in touch and maybe reach out to say hi now and then. Other than that, though, it is typically just best not to remain friends.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you find your dream girl, whether that winds up being her or not.