This is going to sound stupid but a male opinion might sort it out!

[brandy53]

I'm too old to be dealing with little girl crushes (41!) but there's a guy who parks near me at my train station, we occasionally chat either at the cars, or sometimes getting off the train (we catch the same train but don't sit together), I might be reading too much into his body language/conversation but feel he deliberately talks to me, he very often waves if we don't get chance to chat, is he just being nice and chatty to a fellow traveller? But he doesn't seem to talk to too many other people, maybe a quick hi to one or two others. Sometimes he's teased me/made a comment when getting on the train. As I say it sounds stupid at our age (I think he must be 50ish himself) but he's the soave sophisticated businessman stereotype that probably alot of women would have a crush on. The bad thing for me is that I'm starting to feel a bit freaked out with my feelings for him. We are both in relationships already, we've chatted about holidays, every day stuff yet don't even know each other's names or where the other works. I caught him once holding eye contact for quite a while and he managed to ask me the same question twice ! so clearly either just not listening or was too busy studying me instead of what I was saying? From a guy's perspective would you behave like this just with Jo Bloggs or is this a way to hint to a woman that you like her?

[Drumzzz]

if he's already in a relationship i doubt he'd make a move...
maybe he's just being friendly? or he searches for someone to keep him company on the train?

[steviej]

Stop this now if you're already in a relationship. Work on adding some excitement to that rather than getting thrills from someone else.
Unless the relationship is crap, in which case sort it out/get out then go looking for fun. You aren't being fair to your partner, think how you'd feel if it was the other way round.

[jb1111983]

Well there's nothing stupid about feeling like that at any age. I think we all feel a lot younger when we fancy someone. I think he probably likes you/appreciates your beauty/personality or enjoys the way he feels when he sees you. But he's unlikely to make a move because as you mentioned he's already in a relationship, and also because you don't know each other that well yet. I think it's possible to find someone attractive even when we're in a relationship. We just wouldn't act on them.

[brandy53]

thanks for the comments so far, just to re-iterate I'm not looking for anything else outside of my relationship, and if he's the faithful genuine type neither should he be, the only reason is I felt compelled to seek advice is because of how strong it feels, there's nothing wrong at home and life is just as good in that relationship as it's always been ... until I get to the train station!!!

[steviej]

Then be fair to your partner, because i bet you wouldn't appreciate it one bit if he was catching the train every day and had an infatuation with another woman there.
Where are you hoping this leads? Having a clandestine affair, passion in the train station toilets?

Nip it in the bud! Catch an earlier/later train, park elsewhere, different carriage etc.

[brandy53]

He (current partner) works with a bunch of exs and "maybes" so the comparison isnt on an equal footing. Maybe just being naive but never picked up on this before from anyone, nor felt like this myself. not looking for affair no, we'd have to be single in the future for anything to happen, I wouldn't want the cheating route, but guess I was just looking to see if something is there, why I dont know, just all a bit weird. Best avoid him then! Cant do much about the train times or where we park, so will just have to limit contact when he's parked near me!

[Wakeup]

The thing that is different with you and him and why it's crossing primary relationship boundaries is becuse you're taking your conversations personal, you're going beyond friendly chatter and you've done this enough that you're at the point where you're anticipating seeing him. You're allowing yourself to become vulnerable to him and when you do that, you have just started to hammer the first wedge between the emotional connection you have with your S.O. This is how emotional affairs begin and when those things begin it changes the dynamic that you currently enjoy at home.

It doesn't matter how old a person is, we still experience the same reactions and emotions that attraction to a member of the opposit sex evokes. Do youself and your husband/bf (whatever he is) a favour and quit allowing this man to penetrate your emotional vulnerabilty. A friendly smile hello and lovely weather we're having is all either of you should be indulging in. If your conversations go beyond that you need to put up relationship boundary blocks by including references to your husband e.g. "Oh my husband does that" or Gee that's what my husband would do kinda thing. Keep it forefront in both of your minds that you're taken.

Even while in a relationship we will all, always find others attractive. It's up to us to keep it at the visual.

JMO.

[brandy53]

thanks for all your replies, though no better today as we did end up sat together on the train, for the first time! If he only knew I'd been asking advice ..... I know you're all correct - I need to keep any feelings for him curbed but I just couldn't be rude to him, he's such a sweet guy but we both have partners to think about and I just have to keep telling myself he's just "my friend on the train". I'll just have to adopt a more specific conversation tactic with him so we don't talk about anything too personal, though we're now on name terms and know where each other works. IF he feels like I do and he did suggest anything in the future such as meeting socially etc. I'll have to deal with it then and just be grateful for what might be a great friendship. Hopefully he doesn't plan on cheating on his partner any more than I do.

Tnanks again

[IncognitoSir]

thanks for all your replies, though no better today as we did end up sat together on the train, for the first time! If he only knew I'd been asking advice ..... I know you're all correct - I need to keep any feelings for him curbed but I just couldn't be rude to him, he's such a sweet guy but we both have partners to think about and I just have to keep telling myself he's just "my friend on the train". I'll just have to adopt a more specific conversation tactic with him so we don't talk about anything too personal, though we're now on name terms and know where each other works. IF he feels like I do and he did suggest anything in the future such as meeting socially etc. I'll have to deal with it then and just be grateful for what might be a great friendship. Hopefully he doesn't plan on cheating on his partner any more than I do.

Tnanks again

Wow brandy. What's going on here? What's wrong with your relationship because their is obviously a problem that you're not admitting to. Attraction is pretty much uncontrollable, but to pursue that attraction is completely up to you. You went from a friendly wave and occasional hello to sitting next to the guy and exchanging information. can two adults speak on friendly terms on the ride to work and back, of course! But this isn't friendly is it, theirs more here than a friendly conversation, their's attraction a very strong attraction that you're indulging in. So again I ask you, what has you seeking the attention of another man?

[Wakeup]

thanks for all your replies, though no better today as we did end up sat together on the train, for the first time! If he only knew I'd been asking advice ..... I know you're all correct

then why have you advanced it to sitting next to him. You're looking for an excuse to take this beyond what it is. You are just in denial about that. I say, shame on you.

- I need to keep any feelings for him curbed

Now you're outright saying you have feelings for him. Do you listen to yourself?

but I just couldn't be rude to him, he's such a sweet guy

Why would putting up relationship blocks be being rude to him? You don't have to be rude by being assertive and keeping to yourself and shutting him down from keeping it at a friendly hello and not allowing him to make you vulnerable to him. You're flirting with a life altering circumstance here and if you keep it up, you're an asshole.

but we both have partners to think about and I just have to keep telling myself he's just "my friend on the train".

No, you'll have to avoid parking in that same spot and perhaps arriving later than normal but in time to catch your commute.

I'll just have to adopt a more specific conversation tactic with him so we don't talk about anything too personal,

that and staying away all together would be a better stratagy. Perhaps some counceling to suss out whats missing in you that you've let it get to the point where you're on first name basis and knowing where you both work.

IF he feels like I do and he did suggest anything in the future such as meeting socially etc. I'll have to deal with it then

No, you'll have stop thinking that he will ever do that because you'll not lead him on to actually do it. He will know without a doubt that you are not romantically interested in him by how you do not respond to anything personal or which would be disrespectful to your marriage.

and just be grateful for what might be a great friendship.

What friendship? You talk to each other on the train and neither of you have introduced each other to your partners so it's no "friendship" It's a flirtation with disaster and you're lying to yourself. Everytime you think about him when you're sitting beside your husband you are robbing your husband of the emotional intimacy that should be shared with him and, everytime you rob him it drives another wedge between yours and your partners connection

Hopefully he doesn't plan on cheating on his partner any more than I do.

Oh fvk off. How sanctimonious and pathetic. You say that like you have no control over the matter.

Tnanks again

You're quite welcome Now Wake up and quit trying to snow the snowman.

[ConniptionFit]

I'm too old to be dealing with little girl crushes (41!) but there's a guy who parks near me at my train station, we occasionally chat either at the cars, or sometimes getting off the train (we catch the same train but don't sit together), I might be reading too much into his body language/conversation but feel he deliberately talks to me, he very often waves if we don't get chance to chat, is he just being nice and chatty to a fellow traveller? But he doesn't seem to talk to too many other people, maybe a quick hi to one or two others. Sometimes he's teased me/made a comment when getting on the train. As I say it sounds stupid at our age (I think he must be 50ish himself) but he's the soave sophisticated businessman stereotype that probably alot of women would have a crush on. The bad thing for me is that I'm starting to feel a bit freaked out with my feelings for him. We are both in relationships already, we've chatted about holidays, every day stuff yet don't even know each other's names or where the other works. I caught him once holding eye contact for quite a while and he managed to ask me the same question twice ! so clearly either just not listening or was too busy studying me instead of what I was saying? From a guy's perspective would you behave like this just with Jo Bloggs or is this a way to hint to a woman that you like her?

Ask your guy if he thinks the train guy is interested in you.

[brandy53]

Well my posting is way down the list now as I backed off here after several replies clearly confirmed I was coming across as some obsessed relationship wrecker. After several days of continuing to commute together we ended up having an honest and frank discussion about what was going on here, and whilst we've admitted a mutual physical attraction we are both being adult (41 and mid 50s!) and keeping things on a friends basis. I would say to other females and guys in the same position, generally yes there is a requirement to avoid situations like this where one or both of you has a partner, but I wasn't going to move my car 3-4 streets away or change my hours just to get him out of my head so speak. What's wrong with being civil to each other? I would say pesonally I feel you can have a friendship but you have to be strong, there's no reason to move, change jobs, make drastic lifestyle changes to avoid someone. We aren't cheating on anyone and we are both fine at home with our real relationships. We get coffees together sometimes, we've even swapped dvds now, I've discussed this at home (in terms of who's lent the dvd) and whilst I don't know if its the correct way to deal with it by us both admitting we're physically/sexually attracted to the other one, we're friends and that's that. I know those of you like analysing the psychological stuff may see it as a bit of a getting off thing between us fulfilling fantasies by spending time together but I enjoy his company regardless of fancying him and we keep conversation topics very normal

[Wakeup]

I don't know who you're trying kid but you aint foolin me.

What's wrong with being civil to each other?

Nothing, but you 've taken it way beyond that. You are having an emotional affair with this man and it's only a matter of time before you thinking of him while you're sitting beside your husband affects the emotional bond you have with him and your marriage will collapse.

So do what you want, but quit trying to justify why it's so right what you're doing.

I'm quite sure that unless your husband is also having some type of affair, he will notice the change in you, your staring off in space, your not hearing him when he's talking to you because you're a million miles away reliving your train ride and coffee dates. BTW: You are cheating. You're cheating your husband out of the emotion that should be directed towards him. You now direct that towards your train guy. I'm sure your heart races each morning as you crane your neck to see his smiling face waiting for you.

You've crossed a very fundatmental relationship boundary of allowing yourself to become emotionally vulnerable to another man. My brother and his wife's marriage ended due to very similar circumstances. After they divorced... the equivilent to your train guy didn't want anything to do with her once he knew she was single and actually available for what they were dabling in... not even her "friendship."

The End.

[LouisP]

If you're ever wondering what a guy is thinking-- ASK ! If a girl at a train station started talking to me, there is no way I wouldn't speak back