I have trust issues and he recently had long term relationship, will this ever work?

[Hannah27]

So I’ve met this guy and I’m really keen however like everything in life he has his down sides too. I’m sorry in advance for the essay that is going to follow but please, please, please give me some advice for this situation as I’m so stuck on what to do and it’s all I’ve been thinking about recently.

Ok here goes, so I recently came back from living in Australia for a year and started a new job. my original plan for coming home was to come back for Christmas spend time with the family, work for some money and go back out to Australia in January. Well at the moment I can’t see that going to plan as I met a guy on my first day of work and we just instantly clicked. Things progressed between us and we got really close. After about a week of being close with him, spending all our time together in work and out of work, one of my colleagues knows this guy through a friend and was told he has a partner. Now nothing had happened between us – we spent a lot of time together but I didn’t feel I had the right to say anything to him or get angry as we hadn’t discussed how we felt or what we were. When I plucked up the courage to mention this to him after a couple of days of finding out and worrying he said ‘it’s a really complicated situation’ and assured me I had nothing to worry about. This threw me off a lot as I wasn’t sure what to make of that especially as we had been in conversations with people at work who had asked him if he had a missus and he had said no. He offered to explain the situation but me in my angry/upset state I said that I didn’t want to know any more than what I knew already. However what he did explain is that they had definitely broken up and were no longer together but I was very wary of this. I was left in such a confused mind on what to do I distance myself for a while which was really difficult as I really liked this guy and we got on so well.

In the end the distancing didn’t go too well, months have passed and we spend majority of our free time together. We are really happy together but I can’t stop thinking about this ex girlfriend of his, as the time has gone on he has told me more bits of information, like the fact they had been together for around 6/7 years and that she was absolutely drop dead gorgeous and he was the only guy she had ever been with and she just seems perfect in every aspect. He told me the reason that they broke up was that the last 6 months of their relationships they were having a lot of difficulties and he felt like he couldn’t trust her. He said that meeting me was confirmation that him and her weren’t supposed to be together from what I can gather they broke up just a couple of days into me and him talking. I just feel like I’m always going to be compared to her and I’m nothing in comparison. Now I don’t believe he still sees her because we spend all our time together but I have seen her name pop up on his phone, also I know in this day and age everyone is going to have an ex but they have so recently broken up my main worry is that he will go back to her or that he still thinks of her or even that he still loves her. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggs shells a bit and I have to be careful that we don’t have a big argument or that I do something wrong in case he goes back to her. He has even told me that she still messages him asking him to see her which he said he declines. He told me that she would be hurt if she knew about me and I asked what hes going to be like when she is with another man and will that bring back all the feelings you once felt of her?

It’s now been about 4/5 months since they have broken up and doubt still pass through my mind every day. I still feel like them breaking up is still so raw and that he could decide he’s made the wrong decision and go back to her at any moment. I find it hard to trust people and let my guard down, do I risk getting hurt this once for someone I really like or am I going to look back in a few months and think I should of got out of this whilst I still could without being as hurt.

It’s getting to the point where we want to move our relationship forward I’ve met all his family but my family and friends want to meet him, we want to be sexually intimate but there’s so much doubt in my mind that it’s not letting this happen. I don’t want to sleep with him until I know that I can trust him and we have discussed this and he’s happy with waiting for me which he explained he wouldn’t do if I meant nothing to him. My family and friends want to meet him however I’m wary as what if something happens in a couple of months and we no longer end up being together and I have to explain to all of them what’s happened after they’ve all met him. I try to imagine us together in say 5 years’ time and I can’t but I also can’t see us ever not getting on and breaking up. My mind is in pieces I like this guy so much he treats me well, we get on great and we have something that I don’t think I’ve ever had with a guy before but do I take the risk. When I ask him about her he reassures me I have nothing to worry about and that if he wanted to he could be with her now and he’s not. When I asked about what if you decide to go back to her later on down the line he said he didn’t know but for the moment that’s not what he wants he wants me he said he wasn’t able to comment on the future but he can’t see it happening. Not the best way to convince me but its true he’s unable to comment on the future and if he did just promise it wouldn’t happen – how could he be sure? He would purely be saying it to keep me happy. I don’t want to be the second option which is kind of what I feel like. I feel like if he had the choice to get back with her and be happy, someone he has such a history with or be with me and be happy someone he’s known for a few months he would choose her but then again I don’t know what they had together. Even if I went for it, will this feeling ever go?
I have trust issues and he has just come out of a long term relationship, will this ever work?
Have any of you been in this kind of situation, what did you do?
How do I get over the insecurities of his ex-girlfriend?

[pcmaster]

I think like with any relationship you have to jump. You just have to start trusting guy at some point. Think after you get intimate you should feel more secure. So suggestion is to read my signature lol.

You just have to be sure that guy really loves you. Have he said he loves you already?

[Wakeup]

I find it hard to trust people and let my guard down,

This begs the question why you continue on with people that you clearly do not trust.... because they are being untrustworthy.

You need to get a little more firm with yourself and be able to walk away from men and their situations that make you uncomfortable. Your gut is warning you for good reason.

Him STILL speaking to her and NOT mentioning that you are his girlfriend now is a huge red flag. He cares more about not hurting her feelings then he does about reassuring you and making it clear to you (AND more importantly HIMSELF ) the he is indeed done with her for good.

If he wants YOU as much as he says he does then he'd sever ties with her, but instead he keeps a door open to go back to her (because she'd quickly take him back) if things don't go peachy with you.

Ask for what you want. What DO you want, actually? If you would like him to show you in actions that he does not want to EVER return to her then he should show you by blocking and deleting her from his life and thereby letting HER get over him properly so she can find another partner of her own. If he insists on NOT doing that then tell him you'd like to meet her and that you want her to know that you are now in his life. If he won't do that then you're a foolish girl to continue on with him.

There is nothing worse for your own emotional well being then to be hung up on a guy that is "afraid to hurt an ex's feelings" by telling her that he has someone new. It simply and clearly means that he still is emotionally connected to her and is afraid to completely let go.... someone like that is not a good partner to be falling in love with. Remember that for next time you get yourself attached to someone who is just out of a relationship (not even,.. he still was with her when he was carrying on with you)

Google "rebound relationship" and it will warn you against getting too heavy with someone who has unfinished ex business.

[woody]

Dear O.p,
I never understood why many men, while attempting to save possible hurt feelings of the ex, inadvertently harm their present ladies in the process of trying to be 'good' guy.
It becomes about defending their present ladies honor. By withholding his present situation with you from her, it basically implies 'doubts'. But allow me to say, chances are he just doesn't see it that way and may not even notice. He doesn't mean to hurt you, he's just a little thick regarding this type of thing.. Why? Could be a man thing.
He's trying to let her down easy but in the process he's not defending or standing up for you. He may think he's made his choice (YOU) and wishes only to move forward. He may not understand that by not protecting your honor (not telling her about you and he) he risks losing you for reasons he simply cannot comprehend. The turmoil of emotions regarding these actions isn't fair to you one single bit but I don't think it's healthy for you to take this too personally (though near impossible not to) try chalking it up to the possible notion that he just doesn't understand how women work in these situations; how important and necessary it is to us for our men to be crystal clear regarding 'us' and our presence in their lives.

He has left too much room for possible misinterpretation and he doesn't even know it.

Know this though. He likes YOU. You. This other lady may sound perfect, all that but there is no comparison. This much is obvious. What you bring to the table is unique, beautiful and special. He sees it, feels it so why don't you? Hmm? Why not?
Sure, he was with her for several years and you and he started very fresh after their break up and though many would say, "ooo, watch out for the ol rebounders", I say, chances are he and her both felt they were on the brink for some time before they actually split.

You must trust in yourself.

It is never easy getting past a lingering ex. The fact he told you he could get back with her if he wanted to, well , gee thanks pal right?
Perhaps he needs some insight on defending your honor. He must tell her about you for if he does not, no matter what his reasons, he puts her needs in front of yours and that's just a plain ol no no.
But pay attention to how your feeling around him. If this is indeed a true connection you must not allow the thickness in his head to deter you.
Men are different when dealing with ex's. Some, not all. But many, in their process of attempting an amicable break up leave their present lady wondering all sorts of things that could have been easily remedied if only they'd stick up for us. Defend our honor.
The doubts like, "am I second choice?, why has he not told her about me, is there something to this?'" can be enough to break something before it's even fully built.

My man's ex lingered for over a year. Nearly destroyed us. Your situation is similar. But, I held out and now, 3 years in we are still very well.

Know thy self worth. Can't walk away from a good connection simply due to your man being slightly thick in this way. TAlk to him about it.
If he doesn't tell her about you very soon, well, take it from there.
I wrote more but this site deleted it. I hope this helps though.
Guard your heart but i'd say, these connections are rare and you must pay attention. After you speak with him about the whole 'defending your honor and his) see how he takes it and what he does with it.

good luck