A girl and a band, little advice needed!

[Soulstorm]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. Also I'm not from a English speaking country so please excuse my grammatical faults.

Heres the story:
I'm a 20 year old guy and I play in a band. We were looking for a new singer. I had some luck and found us a female singer from a music forum. So on the first rehearsal she was absolutely brilliant we were all amazed about her voice and shes also funny and pretty good looking. So I went home after the rehearsal and suddenly I just cant stop thinking about her and its getting worse and worse with every rehearsal. I feel like having a butterflies in my stomach, my hart is beating harder and I've completely lost my appetite. So I have this big crush for her. So why not asking him out right?
I wish it would be that simple.The main problem is the age, shes 24 and I'm not that sort of a guy who looks older, I'm rather the one who cant buy booze without been asked ID. So the age gap isn't really that enormous right but being 20 your like at the beginning of your independent life and being 24 your at the point where you have usually achieved something and want someone beside you who's also in the same life stage or even ahead. And the second problem is the band, we are not some fools joking around, we are taking it very seriously. So I don't want any emotional problems between the band members.
So its like my hart is yelling DO something! and my brain tells my that its a unreal situation- leave it, the crush will go over. Whats your advice? maybe you have been in a similar situation? What would you do ?

Thanks for your help!

[Moonchild]

And the second problem is the band, we are not some fools joking around, we are taking it very seriously. So I don't want any emotional problems between the band members.

Then you can't do anything, can you? You either mess up the relationships of the members and open the door slightly to one or both of you having to leave the band (if things end badly, for example), or general awkwardness if she doesn't feel the same about you. So my advice is to leave it alone, if you're really serious about keeping this group in one piece.

[Michael6084]

yeah, the band comes first, not her because then you get problems and that will end up tearing the band apart.

i knew this in myself. even though im much younger than you, when i led my high school's drumline we meant business in there and we were pretty much our own unit type of thing. when a girl came into the drumline, we pretty much hit it off and it seemed cool...in the beginning. we ended up breaking up, but since the drumline season wasnt finished, we still had to work together, but let me tell you....it was a PAIN in the ASS. i was the captain and we would do our own cadences and whatnot, but when you have an ex working there, it tends to make things a bit more difficult.

so what i would do if i was in your position is not to get involved with her. you two could keep things professional i suppose when the band is together...but it causes the focus of what your there for to be skewed. when i was in the drumline, there were 3 relationships going on, which REALLY pissed me off because if you are going to join the drumline, you are going to be there FOR the drumline, not a partner.

so if you're there for the band, then the band comes first. otherwise you're holding everyone back and you're only as strong as your weakest person in a group of people.

[Al Pacino]

Your problem is easy but you huge it, treating with her like a member of the band whenever been as a band team ... out of band treating with her as a some one you like... thats all just separate ...

[Soulstorm]

thanks for your replies. Now at least I have some objective opinions to think about.

[mparker2004]

I've never been the kind of guy who just lets opportunities go easily.. as you can judge from my own post. My first reaction is that if you really value the band you will not let her get in the way. However, I have problems letting my feelings get the best of me so I can't honestly tell you what I would do if I were in your situation. If you think she really fits into the band and is the vocalist you guys need to succeed, I would try my best to ride the feelings out. I've gotten over crushes before.. it's painful and it hurts to be around that person, but it takes the only thing you can't control-- time.

On the other hand, if you don't think she's going to be a lasting member of the band, or you're still looking at new people as possible vocalists, I'd say ask her to have a bite to eat with you or something and just see where it goes. You may hit it off, you may not, but you would have to be mature about it especially if there is interest from the other guys in the band.

I lost my best friend over a woman who turned out to be the love of my life. Was it worth it? Yes, definitely. Would I do it again? Without a doubt. Do I miss my buddy and wish I had been more civil and possibly kept his friendship in some way, shape, or form? More than anything, yes.. So if you find out someone else in the band has feelings for her, don't necessarily let it stop you, but be very humble and mature about it. Thats my two cents, make what you want of it.

[Soulstorm]

I think what makes me nuts is the fact that thers all these good and exciting things mixed together. We are doing music what's pretty original in its own genre mostly because of the vocals -the way she's sings is just awesome. So that alternative singing makes the excitement and her appearance is just perfect for me, we also share same taste of music, we like to hang in the same pub/bar and I really like her character. So it's totally clear why I have this crush and I'm not surprised at all.

Having failed with the previous girl I really don't feel like letting this opportunity go away. But is this really opportunity for me? I might like her but she's haven't really showed any interest towards me, so I probably must start it all from zero and meeting him only in rehearsals makes it difficult to talk in private.

Ok lets say I ask her out or I will tell her how I feel and she refuses or doesn't feel the same then at least I know and its easier to let it go, but on the other hand its not like I never going to see her again, it's going to be awkward feeling in rehearsals (like Moonchild mentioned). If she actually likes me and things are going up then I think I can keep the band life and my personal life separated. So it's kinda dilemma for me.
But I hate doing nothing, I've missed way too many opportunities in my life and being in my 20-s I feel like this is the last chance coming out of my shell and do something right. I used to be very passive guy, trying to get rid of that and do as much as I can with my life....ok its going little epic now. Anyways thanks for your time.

[Stalin_Skaya]

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[mr_fahrenheit]

I had a relationship with a bandmate once, and while it was a little awkward for the other members it worked out well for a long time. Then our relationship finished and things were really odd... there was a lot of tension in the air and the gigs were never the same.
If we'd been more mature about it I'm sure it wouldn't have been a problem, but sadly it was all a bit emotional. The band broke up for other reasons but I think that if we'd carried on playing together, eventually it would have been ok.

It's a big risk though.

If you think you can both be mature enough to handle it, and that the other band members won't be affected, then it's worth a go! But... if you think there's a big chance it will mess ALL of it up... then perhaps try and give it a miss... at least for the time being!

Haha.. sorry that wasn't very helpful was it.

Good luck!

[Junket]

I've missed way too many opportunities in my life and being in my 20-s I feel like this is the last chance coming out of my shell and do something right. I used to be very passive guy, trying to get rid of that and do as much as I can with my life....ok its going little epic now.

I had a similar situation when I was 20, with a 24 year old even.

I gave it a go and we've been together ever since.

But, do what you will.