Feel mixed emotions on taking a stand against my on going abusive relationship.

[JadenMia]

So, as some of you know, i was in a relationship that started out perfect and turned into a nightmare of bullying and physical fighting. I left him last year and felt okay about it, never really actually let him in go emotionally and we ended up back together late last year.
In the time of then and now, we had so many incidents of this abuse that i knew i couldnt live like this forever.

For those who dont know, he started to become abusive, would often push me or pull my hair if he got angry. Got enraged by me talking to the opposite sex, and attacked me several times. The last time left a horrible black eye. There was no hiding anymore and everyone knew about it. I got threatened by his family that i was a liar and to admit to everybody my boyfriend didnt do it.. The most harshest names you could think of being called over and over everyday. It was just a nightmare.

Well, last week i told him it was over. He was doing drugs every night, painkillers. His mood swings were unbearable, i had tried enough and i felt stupid for being with him. So i ended it and ignored any replies or calls from him. I fell asleep that night and woke up at 2am, to see my boyfriend sat on my bed in my house looking through my phone. That night i was texting a male friend, he was actually just a friend. And he claimed i was sleeping with him, called me every horrible name he could think of until i finally got him out.
The next day, he sent pages of horrible texts, saying i was disgusting,trashy, whore, slut, overweight, saying he was going to be nice women for a change and said my head was going to get 'stomped'. I was at work and i started bawling. It was too much to bear anymore, my boss brought me into her office and she called victim services.

They asked me to come to the police station and i gave a recorded statement about everything he had ever done to me, showed them pictures of my black eyes, bruises, text messages, every attack, every name, every threat every witness etc. They then told me they would get back to me and could call anytime if i felt unsafe and to write a detailed statement, they said they will charge him with harrassment, breaking and entering, agrevated assault and i would get my restraining order. IF everything went to plan.

Now that was 4 days ago. He has no idea i have been to the police, he has since text me told me how much he is hurting and misses me.. i havnt seen him but i feel guilty for going to the police.. I feel im going to completely mess up his life and i feel i could be to blame for some of the relationship problems. I fought him right back some of the times in the early days.. I have sent him crazy texts when he has seriously upset me..
I just am worrying about every possible thing right now and i feel like i almost want to take it back, yet i also feel proud i actually did something about it.

Has anybody got any advice for me? Anybody being through this? How will this all plan out after he has been arrested? I just have so many questions running through my mind i dont know what to think. These constant butterflies are making me feel sick.. And i just would love to talk to someone about it, as i cant really talk about it in my everyday life.
Thanks x

[pisces25]

I'm confused. I thought you completely left him last year and were even dating again?

[searock]

You did the right thing talking to the police. You have nothing to feel guilty about - just towards yourself, for allowing yourself to be treated like that for such a long time. Now it will only get better. Be strong, you are not alone now : ).

[bulrush]

1. So you broke up with him and then you found him inside your house?? That's breaking and entering, and trespassing in the very least.
2. Didn't you get his key back?
3. If not, why didn't you change the locks? Isn't $40 for a lockset cheap insurance vs. getting killed by this psycho?
4. Did you call the police?
   

[JadenMia]

Picses, yes. We broke up last year, contact slowly came back, and we slowly got back into it, It was stupid, i know. I just never let him go, was miserable the whole time etc..It was a stupid situation, i just missed him so much and he pleaded he had changed.. Yeah, the usual..

Thankyou Searock, i know i shouldnt be feeling bad about it, i feel relief that im not alone now, but i also feel fear that he is going to LOSE it when he finds out. I am just very nervous at what to expect

Bulrush, he doesnt have a key and never did. I have a roomate, and we were kind of confused to how he got in the house too, my roomate is anal about the doors been locked and me not so much. This one particular night she forgot to lock our door.. Which kind of scares me too, if the one night she forgot to lock it he came in the house, then how many times does he try get in you know?
No i never called the police, I always just hated the idea of calling the cops, i didnt want to get them involved and be hated etc... Except it just went too far and i saw that the police was the appropriate step now to keep my daughter safe..

I dont know, i guess im just feeling really anxious and scared waiting like this for something to happen. I keep getting rollercoaster emotions and wondered if anybody had been through it. Thanks!

[Wakeup]

You NEED therapy. You mean after everything you read here you WENT BACK TO HIM and now you're feeling guilty that you called the police on him. I REPEAT. Get therapy or this will keep happening to you and you'll pass over good men for yet another asswipe who deserves to spend the rest of his days in his own therapy and anger management courses because he, like you will just repeat this shit if he doesn't (like you) get the psychological help that he need.

Has anybody got any advice for me?

Just re-read all your threads. You've asked that question toooo many times. You don't listen to any advise. You Need Therapy.

wondered if anybody had been through it.

Find a battered woman's support group. Google it or ask your therapist (when you get one) to recommend one to you. You need Therapy. Please don't think you can overcome this on your own or by talking to a forum board full of strangers who have given you lots of advice already.. You need Professional and ongoing therapy to help you with your low self-worth and to get you through this cycle and to make you able to enjoy a normal healthy relationship without the drama ~ so you won't be bored with the norm.

[Boisdevie]

Jeezus woman, you have a child to think about but you're acting like one yourself. THERAPY. Lots of.

[Wakeup]

^^ absolutely.

Jade: You took this man back into your life and subjected your daughter to his abuse of you once again. Dump your misplaced guilt and start thinking about your daughter and her physical and emotional well being instead of your own sociopathy. Seriously! Do you want her to grow up and fall addicted to an abusive douche bag like who you allowed yourself to fall for, as well? You're teaching her that its acceptable to be beaten and ridiculed.

[JadenMia]

I am going through therapy through the victim services.. I know that it was stupid to go back but that's how I felt at the time. I found it hard to not go back to him, and after reading my full statement at the police station they even said they understood why I did go back. I have been scared and I don't need to justify myself. You don't have to live where I do, you don't understand the mentality of what hs been going on so please do not judge. I came here for support and for someone to answer my questions not for someone to ridicule me that I need therapy. I am in therapy it came with the whole package of going to victim services. But thanks.
And please, my daughter does not know him, does not see him, I take precautions and always have regarding her health and safety, so please, my daughter has nothing at all to do with this situation. She was removed from this, before anything went to shit like this and since hasnt been subjected to seeing anything. Read back on my posts and you would see that. I might be a fool for this man but I am not a fool.

If I am acting like a child because I finally got the help I need, then I don't know. I just came to hopefully hear some stories and experiences from others.


To add, I also wanted to come here, as I know the people I used to talk to on here would be very happy to hear I finally did the right thing. I guess the anticipation waiting on his arrest has me feeling very uneasy.. I'm not sure how people are going to take it etc.. I just came here because I like it here.

[asdfg789]

OMG, I dont know what to say.

Look, you finally did the right thing with the police. There is no way in hell you can mess up his life more than he has messed up yours.
Make sure this time, the break is PERMANENT.

Good luck (:

[JadenMia]

OMG, I dont know what to say.

Look, you finally did the right thing with the police. There is no way in hell you can mess up his life more than he has messed up yours.
Make sure this time, the break is PERMANENT.

Good luck (:

Thank you! I feel I did do the right thing, my main reason for doing it is if he did his usual slithering back then I wouldnt be able to go back. I did it for the restraining order.. So I could call the cops if he comes around again. Will for sure make me feel safer and not so alone. It's time to get my life truly back in order.

[Wakeup]

I am going through therapy through the victim services.. I know that it was stupid to go back but that's how I felt at the time. I found it hard to not go back to him, and after reading my full statement at the police station they even said they understood why I did go back. I have been scared and I don't need to justify myself. You don't have to live where I do, you don't understand the mentality of what hs been going on so please do not judge. I came here for support and for someone to answer my questions not for someone to ridicule me that I need therapy. I am in therapy it came with the whole package of going to victim services. But thanks.
And please, my daughter does not know him, does not see him, I take precautions and always have regarding her health and safety, so please, my daughter has nothing at all to do with this situation. She was removed from this, before anything went to shit like this and since hasnt been subjected to seeing anything. Read back on my posts and you would see that. I might be a fool for this man but I am not a fool.

If I am acting like a child because I finally got the help I need, then I don't know. I just came to hopefully hear some stories and experiences from others.

To add, I also wanted to come here, as I know the people I used to talk to on here would be very happy to hear I finally did the right thing. I guess the anticipation waiting on his arrest has me feeling very uneasy.. I'm not sure how people are going to take it etc.. I just came here because I like it here.

Kudos for attending therapy. Seriously, good on you. However: You justify: I will comment on what you can do to help yourself. If you are already in therapy then ask your therapist why you needed to go back to him and then once again come here to hear simalar stories, sympathy or perhaps even chastizing which allows you to justify, I'm not sure which anymore.

I do wish you well, I'd not have commented and given advice on all your previous threads regarding you and how you've been manifesting your own problems while contemplating dating (and or crushing on other men) that you've yet to overcome.

A battered woman's support group will give you the support you need and hopefully they will also tell you that your guilt (for reporting him FINALLY) is misplaced.

I will also say thank goodness your boss took your best interests into her hands and called Victim Services on your behalf and got the ball rolling.

Your daughter? You didn't mention her at all in your opening post. How did you explain your black eye to her? Why is she not being subjected to any of this? How are you keeping her safe from him and your (past?) need to be with an abuser?

I just came to hopefully hear some stories and experiences from others.

You've come here enough to know who has and who hasn't experienced what you have.


Edited: If you join a battered woman's support group or online discussion board, you will hear many stories quite similar to your own and even more horrific.

Here's another link: [url]http://www.informalberta.ca/public/results/refineSearch.do?taxonomyQueryId=5748[/url]
Did you ever look into any of the others that were provided to you?

Btw: I do believe that you went to the police another time when the taxi driver witnessed him abusing you? (correct me if I'm wrong) What ever happened, what did the police do with that statement, Jade?

[JadenMia]

Kudos for attending therapy. Seriously, good on you. However: You justify: I will comment on what you can do to help yourself. If you are already in therapy then ask your therapist why you needed to go back to him and then once again come here to hear simalar stories, sympathy or perhaps even chastizing which allows you to justify, I'm not sure which anymore.

I do wish you well, I'd not have commented and given advice on all your previous threads regarding you and how you've been manifesting your own problems while contemplating dating (and or crushing on other men) that you've yet to overcome.

A battered woman's support group will give you the support you need and hopefully they will also tell you that your guilt (for reporting him FINALLY) is misplaced.

I will also say thank goodness your boss took your best interests into her hands and called Victim Services on your behalf and got the ball rolling.

Your daughter? You didn't mention her at all in your opening post. How did you explain your black eye to her? Why is she not being subjected to any of this? How are you keeping her safe from him and your (past?) need to be with an abuser?

You've come here enough to know who has and who hasn't experienced what you have.


Edited: If you join a battered woman's support group or online discussion board, you will hear many stories quite similar to your own and even more horrific.

Here's another link: [url]http://www.informalberta.ca/public/results/refineSearch.do?taxonomyQueryId=5748[/url]
Did you ever look into any of the others that were provided to you?

Thankyou for your input, it does mean alot, and i did check the other support groups that were provided from you and others here. But i guess i just felt i wasnt really a battered woman.. I think just because everytime i had mentioned to him that what he was doing was considered abuse and bullying he kind of laughed it off and said i was a drama queen, so i was scared i was making a big deal out of nothing.. Which is another reason i remained in the situation.. Thinking, maybe i was just being silly and its not as bad as i felt like it was.. If that makes sense? I didnt want to make a fool out of myself and talk to people about my situation when there are women getting brutally beaten.. Which isnt really what was happening to me..

I havnt yet attended therapy, but i do have my therapist. I have spoken to her a little bit at the police station there when i made my statement because i had asked for counselling. She said we can start making arrangements when they have arrested him and i go back in to the station to give in my written statement. Which is 18 pages long, go figure. Im actually excited to be able to talk to someone and just figure out whats going on with me so i can properly fix everything. That gives me hope my future will be better than it was going to be a year ago.

About my daughter, this is what people find hard to understand. And i understand the reasons. I tried to hide everything as much as possible, after we broke up the first time in October 2010, i just didnt want her around him. Its not like we were even dating as such.. We have since then, yes for 2 years almost 'working things out'. Meeting on a night, if i went out with friends and my daughter was staying at my sisters, i would see him then. Lunch hour at work etc.. She has seen him sometimes throughout, if we went grocery shopping and such and he came along. things like that.. But we didnt fight at those times.. She just saw him as mums friend.
My black eye however, she saw it obviously, but never asked. Just knew that mum had an 'owie' on her eye. The one time i did feel her safety was at risk is when he came into the house on Thursday. Which is when i went to the police.

Im just so on the edge with not hearing anything from the police yet, im excited to start my therapy when things begin, but im nervous as she said things ARE going to get worse as soon as he knows i have done this. Thats when im going to fear for my daughters safety.

About the time when he bit me on the street and the taxi driver saw, the police never did anything as i never went back to give in a written statement, the taxi driver went to British Columbia because his mother passed away and everything got dropped. I have repeated this, in this statement and the taxi driver is back in town, working for the same taxi company and has been into the police and given his statement this time around. This is what they are charging him for aggrevated assault? i believe.

Edit, i just checked out the site you gave and the help near me is the victim services, the one that i went to for this. Thanks

[Wakeup]

She said we can start making arrangements (for counceling) when they have arrested him and i go back in to the station to give in my written statement

I hope you get that done and she gets you started as quickly as possible, Jade. Don't procrastinate on doing that. You'll be happy you did when you start to view yourself with more love and nuturing.

i just checked out the site you gave and the help near me is the victim services, the one that i went to for this. Thanks

You're welcome. Be well.