opinions of friends and family

[curiouskarma]

Hi all, just came across this forum while looking for advice on a situation with a long term relationship...thanks in advance for any input
How important are the opinions of one's partner's friends and family? I've been in a committed relationship for 2 and a half years, we've lived together most of that time (about 2 years and 2 months), and most aspects of it are healthy and happy.. Howeverrr my partner is a recovering alcoholic, during the drunken times there was (not surprisingly) a good bit of drama, a couple very brief breakups (like less than 24 hours)... I see this as almost 100% due to alcohol; without it these problems don't exist and whatever problems do come up are mostly resolved in a healthy way.

... but my partner's friends and family seem to have developed a pretty extreme (by my standards) dislike of me... I know he blames things on me and vents to them, much more so in the past, but still now and then whenever there's a minor disagreement... I think he may even lie about the fact that we're together at all... I noticed a conversation in his phone where his best friend asked what he was doing at my house while I wasn't there... instead of replying "uh...I live here" he ignored it and changed the subject. And a few months ago he was talking to his mom on speaker right in front of me and she said "you guys are just friends now, right..." and he just said yeah mom and changed the subject...

I guess what I'm asking is, how can I as respectfully as possible ask him to be respectful of me, to others? For example if there's a disagreement keep it private? Or even ask for help anonymously as I'm doing now? Stand up for me/our relationship? Or is this just a "he's just not that into you" kind of situation? Which seems super weird considering we've lived together so long and the relationship seems pretty healthy otherwise.

Trying to keep this as short as possible but can provide more details if it'd help. thanks so much for reading

[Hooo!]

I don’t understand: what keeps you from telling him of for bullshit behaviour?

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I'm with Hooo here. Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to imply that it is so easy. It is a difficult conversation to have. But, is there anything about his treatment of you, as it relates to his friends and family, that seems okay to you? How is it that HE is the alcoholic (albeit, thankfully apparently in recovery now) and YOU are somehow painted to look like the villain in their eyes? If anything, it sounds to me more like you were the victim in that situation. I'm not going to lie and say you were probably 100% innocent. That is rarely the case. I am sure there may have been some things you could have handled better.... but HE was the one with the problem and HE was the one likely causing a lot of the drama you had in your lives at the time.

I will have to admit to you that I'm not entirely sure I can give completely unbiased advice here. I've never been with an alcoholic... but I HAVE been with somebody who ALWAYS managed to twist the facts, bend the truth, and even outright LIE just to make herself look like the innocent party. Even (or maybe even especially) in cases where she was BLATANTLY in the wrong.

So part of me can't help but notice the similarities in that regard and I'm tempted to tell you that you honestly just deserve better. People like that will often NEVER be able to admit when they have done anything wrong, and will often always find ways to convince themselves as well as anybody who will listen to them that they are the perfect little angel and the other person is the one who wronged them so badly.

Again, though, maybe this topic just hits a little too close to home for me. So, I can at least say this... At the very least you should talk to him about this. Don't bring it up for discussion at a time when your emotions are heightened, such as when you catch him in the act of not sticking up for you. If you do it out of anger, he may just see that as further proof that he is right. Have the discussion when cooler heads have prevailed, and as best you can, don't let him upset you into losing that cool.

But, just explain to him how his actions make you feel. How it sounds to you when he does this sort of thing. Explain how if you two are to continue to have a growing relationship, then these people that are important to him are going to become more and more important to you both as a couple. So, shouldn't they know that not only are you two still together, but that things are going well? If all he ever shares with them is the bad times and not the good times, then how are they ever supposed to think anything of you other than the negative image he is portraying?

This is why I have always personally felt that, as much as people seem to think it is just natural, you really shouldn't ever be sharing your personal relationship issues with friends and family. At least not unless it gets to a point where you really have to. Because, when friends and family hear you complain about the bad times, about arguments, etc. they share in the hurt, the anger, the frustration.... but they don't get the benefit of being part of the makeup. Where you two come together and realize maybe you were both right and both wrong to some degree. Where you grow as a couple and as individuals. They are forced just to remember the other person as somebody who hurt their friend/loved one so deeply.

Anyway, bottom line, this is definitely a conversation to be having with him. It is definitely not okay of him to paint you in a bad light to his loved ones, or to not be honest about your relationship status. How does he expect it to make you feel when he acts to friends and family like you two are no longer together, yet expects you to still keep coming?

Good luck to you either way. I hope you are able to find somebody who can truly appreciate you, whether it winds up being him (because, hey, maybe he still could be that guy) or if it winds up having to be somebody else.