I fell in love with my neighbour!!!

[Antoni]

hello,

This one might be a little long and complicated but thanks to those that stick with me to the end!

Basically when my mom passed away I moved in with my elderly dad as his carer, he has mobility issues so I help him with basic daily tasks. A neighbour, that lives across the street from us, comes to visit my dad on almost a daily basis sometimes just for a chat and other times to make food for us, she is very kind and is a single mom with a daughter of 9. Through this I got to know her over a period of months, I liked her as a person but never found her particularly attractive or ever thought of her other than a friend.

In march last year my dad fell down the stairs and had to go to hospital because he broke his leg. In this time my neighbour continued to visit me when I used to get back from the hospital and was always there for me through-out this period which lasted around 4 months. In this time we talked a lot about everything under the sun and I got to know her better. As time went on I found that I started to have feelings for her and I wanted to be more than just a friend.

Anyway long story short eventually I told her that I liked her a lot and wanted to be more than just friends. She was quite taken a back by this and had no idea that I felt this way about her. I explained to her that it happened over a long period of time and I liked not only her but her daughter as well which I also got to know over time. She told me that she liked me but saw me more as a friend and wanted us to remain so. I was very upset but told her I didn't want to spoil our friendship and that we can remain friends. However in the months that followed I just felt my feelings grow and grow for her and it was something that I just could not control. I was there for her at every moment I could be, buying her gifts, complimenting her and even giving her money to help her and her daughter out. She used to ask me why I was doing these things and I would tell her because she has been good to myself and dad but also that I care about her very much. Sometimes it used to embarrass her because she told me she was not used to it, other times she appreciated it but on the odd occasion was annoyed I was doing it.

In the new year out of the blue she came to speak to me in private. She asked me how much I liked her and I told her "a lot" before eventually confessing that I actually was in love with her. We spoke about a lot of things but she told me that she had been keeping a lot inside and that the main reason she wanted us to remain friends was because she didn't want to upset things with my dad since I am his carer and if it all went bad then it would be very awkward all around and it was putting her off. Also because she has a daughter to think of she didn't want her getting attached to me and then if it went sour I would have to leave etc... I told her I understood but at the end of the conversation she then said that we can try but take it slow and see how it goes?!!! which confused me but I agreed.

After this conversation happened a week or two had passed and nothing more was said about it so eventually I decided to go over to her house and ask her what was going on and how she felt about me. She then told me that the situation with my dad was putting her off and that now she also "don't know what she wants". I felt totally deflated and confused by this.

Since then my head has been all over the place, things have felt awkward between us, I feel deflated and I don't know wether to keep on trying or to just give up. I feel that I have tried everything to show her how much I care and love her and really have nowhere else to go. Should I just give her some space and let her work things out?, should I keep on trying or should I simply give up? Not only will I have to lose her but also her daughter which I adore so it will be very hard. Just want some opinions on this as I don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks,

Antoni

[GLYC]

Don't rush things, you're also, not in love with her..

Stop throwing things around. Be calm. You need to step up a little bit, it's okay to care about her and to express that you like her, but you seriously need to cool it. You're acting all over the place, not attractive.
The showing up at her place thing demanding where you stand, off putting. Most women would reject a guy after that. That's borderline stalker behavior.

Women like centered men, like i said, it's okay to have feelings for women, and to like them. It's okay to be disappointed at times, and there's ways to express all emotions, but there's better ways also. Less is really more in a lot of cases with dating.

My response to what she said? "Hey, that's fine, just get in touch with me when you figure things out, I'd love to meet you out for drinks some night"

Then just let it go. You made it pretty clear what you want. A date.

[Antoni]

Don't rush things, you're also, not in love with her..

Stop throwing things around. Be calm. You need to step up a little bit, it's okay to care about her and to express that you like her, but you seriously need to cool it. You're acting all over the place, not attractive.
The showing up at her place thing demanding where you stand, off putting. Most women would reject a guy after that. That's borderline stalker behavior.

Women like centered men, like i said, it's okay to have feelings for women, and to like them. It's okay to be disappointed at times, and there's ways to express all emotions, but there's better ways also. Less is really more in a lot of cases with dating.

My response to what she said? "Hey, that's fine, just get in touch with me when you figure things out, I'd love to meet you out for drinks some night"

Then just let it go. You made it pretty clear what you want. A date.

Thanks for your response but I wanted to clear something up. I didn't just randomly show up at her place demanding to know where I stand. I asked her on facebook if she wanted me to get anything for her up our local shop which she did. I then took that opportunity to simply ask her how she felt about me not in a demanding or aggressive manner. But you're right in that your response should have been my response. I guess when you feel so much for someone you do tend to rush ahead. I guess that what I will have to do is back off, cool off and just let her think about things if something is meant to be it will be.

Again thanks for your considered reply.

[GLYC]

I agree, it's hard to do the right things when you do have strong feelings. Meaning, im not saying to play games or anything. But to have a strong sense of self mastery and emotional control.

It took me years to develop that (though I'm not perfect), and I can definitely relate to what you did. However, it puts a lot of pressure on a woman and usually causes them to flee. Which, is a shame when someone was really into you.

[Antoni]

Indeed it is a shame. She may have "fled" because since that time I have had no more hugs nor kisses and she feels distant to me. We still talk when we see each other but it feels cold. Hopefully she will come around but I am going to take your advice and cool it. Thanks again.

[Hooo!]

I’m proud glyc

[Mr Married]

it puts a lot of pressure on a woman and usually causes them to flee..........

good advice.....cool down Buddy....your gonna chase her off it you are not very careful.

[TheEvilJester]

First off.... are you married? Your screen name is "Mr Married." Wasn't sure if that is just some joke. Because, if you are married that would VERY MUCH change my advice on this situation. I will proceed, though, assuming you are not (since I'd think you'd have mentioned that).

Honestly, GLYC pretty much said everything I was thinking. I also agree and 100% understand how hard it can be to relax and not over-react when you are really into somebody. I can understand how hard it can be not to just go after what you want. Heck, sometimes that actually CAN be the right course of action. It isn't easy being able to tell the difference. But, I think this is definitely a case where you are better off just giving her some space and letting her figure things out. First time around she told you she only saw you as a friend. She later seemed to change her mind, but is still having some reluctance. If you push her, it could just have negative effects. Even if it DID work initially, she may feel forced into it when she wasn't ready and it could hinder what otherwise could have maybe worked.

At the same time, don't think that "giving her some space" means you need to wait forever. It isn't like there is some specific guideline of X amount of time... but just whatever feels right for you. If, after what feels like long enough to you, she's still sort of undecided, that would be a time to just very politely tell her "Well, I understand and respect that. I would not want to push you into anything when you aren't ready. But, I am personally ready to move on with somebody. So, I think it would be best for us to just go our separate ways at this time." Something like that anyway.

Hopefully she just needs some time to change her mind. Unfortunately, in situations like this, the most often conclusion is it never goes anywhere. ...BUT.... I will say this is a situation where there are understandable reasons for her hesitation. So, it could entirely be possible this is one time where she could change her mind given time. So, it could be worth your while to give her some time. Just... like I said... not too much time. You shouldn't let your love life be held in limbo for too long waiting on one person who may or may not ever make up their mind.

Good luck.

[Antoni]

Thanks EvilJester for also a very considered response. By the way MrMarried replied to my post, I am the one that created it. I think the consensus here is to give her time which is exactly what I'm doing. You're right though I'm not going to wait forever. In the last week I speak to her when I see her but small talk nothing major. It was my birthday a few days ago and she came over gave me a nice warm hug and kissed me on cheek, I kissed her on cheek also and when she let go it almost was like she appeared to be wiping a tear from her eye. I think you're right in that she wants to be more than friends but is still hesitant for the reasons stated and it's killing her inside.

Anyway thanks again...

Antoni

[GLYC]

I’m proud glyc

Thanks bud. I actually remember getting advice from you probably 4-5 years ago at this point hahaha.

I've definitely been through a lot since I first started dating in my late teens, lots of failure and heartbreaks. Really some pretty crappy things happened to me in the dating world, some dating curve balls, some jerking around that I invited through my behavior.

But with that, comes a lot of emotional strength.

[Mr Married]

Antoni started this thread .... but yes I am married....and very happy. I just happen to get very bored at work ....come here to fill those gaps. Unfortunately this place really sucks ....try "talk about marriage" forum

[TheEvilJester]

I see that now. My bad. Not sure why the Hell I got confused and thought you started this thread. LOL!