Commitment issues and cheating urge

[mattlangley]

Hi there,

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and she’s an overseas student. She’s coming to the end of her studies and her visa will expire in two months, when she’ll need to return to her home country. I have to make the decision to marry her or say goodbye. I want to stay together but I’m not ready for marriage so we’ve decided that we could legally get married so she could stay in the country and do the wedding ceremony stuff later on down the line when we are ready. Great, all sorted... but there’s a few problems...

I’m not sure if I’m ready to be with one person for the rest of my life, I seem to be clinging onto as-pects of the single life that I can’t shake off. One part of this is that I can’t stop thinking about having sex with other more beautiful women, almost every day I have this urge and whatever I do I can’t stop thinking about it. Before our relationship I had very little (almost none) experience in the bedroom and now I’ve become confident and experienced I have the urge to be promiscuous and get the single life out of my system, however I absolutely don’t want to break up with her. We have regular sex and it’s great but very often I fantasize about other women while we’re doing it. I did some research on this and found it’s quite common so it doesn’t worry me too much. I love her and in the three years we’ve been together I’ve never once cheated, but now I feel that I might, if the opportunity present-ed itself. I suppose I don’t feel as attracted to her as I did at the beginning and she’s definitely not what my ideal dream woman would look like. She’s got a perfect personality and ticks pretty much every other box apart from physical appearance. I’m quite a perfectionist so I’m wondering if I’m just being irrational and unrealistic. We could get married (legally for now) but as I’ve got these doubts, feelings and urges now, is it a good idea? This is preventing me from fully committing and I have to make a decision in the next few days.

The other issue is that I’m worried about losing my freedom and space, and I might be 31 (she’s 29) but I’m not ready to settle down and go down the mortgage and kids route for at least another 3 years+.

This has been stressing me out for months and I just need some guidance and advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Any help would be massively appreciated.

Thanks

[GLYC]

Well, don't pursue marriage if you're not 100% certain. That's a terrible route, and divorce can be a very very shitty route if things don't pan out. Kind of a weird story though, I don't really date outside my country.

Just reevaluate everything. You do kind of want Someone that knocks all of your socks off. But it is important to realize that perfect doesn't really exist either. You need to like people for all they are, including their flaws.

Its that line with settling with something just because it's pretty good, or being with someone you know is great for you.

[TheEvilJester]

I generally would say you should NEVER marry somebody until you are ready. This MAY be a slight exception to that rule given the circumstances. Because, it would seem, if you don't get married she has to go back to her country. Honestly, I still think I personally couldn't do that. Even with us understanding it was just so she could stay, I don't think I could marry somebody without the intention being that we thought it was for good. That isn't to say divorce should not be an option. It very much should, as sometimes you can think you've found the right person only to turn out to be wrong. I'm just saying, divorce should be considered like a plan Z, all else has failed kind of thing.

In your case, though, maybe I'm wrong. Because, again, if you two don't get married she is gone. And maybe you don't really want to get married yet... but maybe that doesn't mean you want the relationship to end. So, this MAY be a case where a quicky marriage IS the way to go. I don't know. But, I will say this.... even pretending her having to go back home wasn't an issue... if you two were able to continue to date and NOT have to get married yet.... you still shouldn't be dating/having sex with other women anyway. You two have been together for 3 years. That is long enough that you should be exclusive (unless you've both agreed to an open relationship).

So, to be honest, I don't think the question should necessarily be do you want to marry her yet... it should be are you wiling to settle down with one person at all yet? Yes, it is normal to still find other people attractive, or even to sometimes fantasize about other people... TO A DEGREE. We don't cease to be human simply because we are in a relationship. It isn't like you suddenly become blind to other women. But, the difference being that you would NEVER act on it even if you could, because your partner is the only one you want. IF that is her, then maybe that is your answer. If you truly feel like you'd not be content being with her and never getting to be with anybody else, then maybe she isn't the right one after all.

We can't really know. That is a question only you can answer. Nobody is perfect. That is definitely true. My thoughts on that echo GLYC's advice almost exactly. You shouldn't expect her or anybody to be perfect. Yet, at the same time, you can't help who and what you do and do not find attractive. So, it really depends on how much her looks don't work for you. If you love her enough that it doesn't bother you, that may be a good sign. If you love her.... but it still bothers you enough, then maybe she's just not the right match. You shouldn't feel like you are settling for somebody. Then two people get hurt. Her for being with somebody who feels like they are settling for her, and you for feeling like you are settling.

Good luck to you.

[mattlangley]

Thank you both for the responses, they are really helpful and thank you for not throwing daggers at me, I understand I probably sound like a terrible person.

[GLYC]

Nah, you don't really sound terrible at all. This is what it looks like to me. You're basically at your prime per say, with getting attention from women. You're confident (Which ironically most men are when they're in relationships, probably because they aren't chasing women and are finally just acting natural), which draws more women in. Additionally, you're probably at a decent place in your career and are just more calm in life in general. The stones have fallen into place. That all makes you more attractive.

I'd think it's normal for a man to wonder what else is out there. Of course we can't make that decision for you. However, do be aware that once you leave something, that something won't always be there waiting for you to return. So just be wary.

[Hooo!]

The question is: if you knew a more attractive version of her who then has basically everything your dream woman would have:
Wouldn’t you feel the same?
I bet you would

[mattlangley]

Nah, you don't really sound terrible at all. This is what it looks like to me. You're basically at your prime per say, with getting attention from women. You're confident (Which ironically most men are when they're in relationships, probably because they aren't chasing women and are finally just acting natural), which draws more women in. Additionally, you're probably at a decent place in your career and are just more calm in life in general. The stones have fallen into place. That all makes you more attractive.

I'd think it's normal for a man to wonder what else is out there. Of course we can't make that decision for you. However, do be aware that once you leave something, that something won't always be there waiting for you to return. So just be wary.

Yes exactly! I feel that i'm in my prime now, I was shy with very little confidence and experience with women before I met my gf. In the three years we've been together I've grown and gathered that confidence and experience and now feel that I want to use it to see what else is out there before settling down completely. I'm 31 which to some people is old and most people I know got married in their mid-late 20s; I still feel young and want to stay young and active, If I get married I see myself as a tired, lazy, boring waste of space (I know that's not what actually happens but I'm worried that would happen to me). But also I don't want to jump into something I know I'm not ready for just yet, and I don't know if my gf is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with - maybe she is, maybe she isn't, I absolutely can't decide on this one.

Anyway, I've spoken to her about how I feel (apart from the sleeping with other women part yet), and she's happy for me to be independent and travel solo and maybe live in another country on my own for a year or so, we would just see how things go and where life takes us. But ultimately we would still be married, and I don't know if I want to be permanently tied to that, plus cheating would still be cheating. I don't know if this is a good idea - it's a win for her to stay in the UK where she's happy, and a win for me to get my Independence and freedom until we are both ready to fully commit to each other.

The question is: if you knew a more attractive version of her who then has basically everything your dream woman would have:
Wouldn’t you feel the same?
I bet you would

Honestly, I can't answer this. If she had the physical appearance of my dream woman I wouldn't feel inclined to lust for other women. However, the freedom and independence part I don't know.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't necessarily have any additional thoughts/advice beyond what I already shared. However, I will say that I, too, do not think this makes you sound like a terrible person at all. For one thing... we can't help who we do and do not find attractive. If, for example, I found women with blue skin, purple hair, and three eyes unattractive... it isn't like I decided to find them unattractive. Nor is it like I can decide I'm just going to start finding them attractive. (FYI, I intentionally chose a ridiculous example. LOL!)

So, again, hopefully you find her attractive enough that it doesn't necessarily bother you if she's maybe not your ideal image of attractiveness. If not, and her looks are enough of a con in your pros/cons list, then maybe that is your answer.

Sounds like you two were able to talk about it and at least have a good plan for now. So, good luck with that. Hopefully that goes well and you are both able to figure out how you wish to proceed.

[Hooo!]

Bullshit. As a man if a hot female walks by you turn your head. Even if you’ve just had sex.

I do not think there is a single healthy man who honestly isn’t physically attracted to hot women. If he is in a relationship or no.

That doesn’t mean you have to **** them or think about them while being with your woman. But it also doesn’t mean you don’t love your women or you can’t want to stay with a single person.


If you think about how you feel to your girlfriend... really think how you feel towards her...
and now cut that out. Let her be gone home and out of your life.
How do you feel about that?

[TheEvilJester]

I'll second that. Cripes, I'm basically a freaking boy scout when I am in a relationship. I am basically Mr. Commitment, I have eyes only for that one woman.... and even I will admit I can't help but notice other attractive women. Not that I'd say that to my gal. Not that I'd ever act on it. Not that I'd even want to act on it. ...But it isn't like we suddenly cease to be human because we've entered into a relationship. That we suddenly get this filter over our eyes that makes all women look like big, hairy, pimply old men. LOL!

So, that you find other women attractive certainly is not, in and of itself, a reason to think your relationship is maybe not the right one. There's a lot more to it than that. It's deeper than that, really. As Hooo pointed out, I think a good exercise would be to imagine your life with both options presently on the table. Imagine you spending the rest of your life with her.... but that means ONLY her from now on. How does that idea make you feel.

Conversely, imagine yourself ending the relationship and going out with other women. Imagine yourself getting to go be young and have fun... but she's gone from your life completely. Which of those ideas brings you more anxiety? Which makes you happier? Do you feel you could live with one, but maybe not so much the other? Don't throw something away that could be great just because you are worried about what else could be out there. Yet, at the same time, don't hang on to something if maybe it isn't right just because you don't want to risk having nobody.

Not necessarily an easy question to answer, so I do wish you the best of luck in deciding.