pmac is a liar

[mhussain]

sorry RoseBud, wasnt saying this to you, but to Pmac.

Sorry

[Rosebud]

Oh it's all good, I thought for a second you were yellin at me!!!

[whaywardj]

Not to put too fine a point on it: **** your bf. YOU'RE the one who needs to tell the truth. For YOUR sake. Obviously. NOT telling the truth is tearing you up. In light of that, it's absolutely unimportant how he feels or what he does once you confirm what he already knows or suspects. This is about you and who you want to be. In a large way, he AND the other you cheated with, are just innocent bystanders in this drama you've made for yourself.

With the exception of anyone getting shot, I'm in general agreement with all the other posters. But would like to add: It's not about cheating. It's not about lying. It's about why you would create such circumstances for yourself as you're now experiencing.

If you want to know the answers to that question, the only way to find out is be honest. Yes, with him, but more importantly, with yourself. Which is NOT to be merely apologetic and regretful. Those are only the "openers" to being honest; your conscience at play, signaling what needs to be done.

After apologies and regrets come the real business of staying together: forgiving. Not only him forgiving you, but you forgiving yourself for whatever it was which drove you to the behavior that led you where you now stand. And MAY have been designed to lead you there. That's how you avoid repeating such behavior. By forgiving whatever forces there are within you which cause you to believe turmoil and punishment are things you deserve.

But to forgive, you have to understand. And to understanding, you have to be honest. Sometimes, painfully so. This sounds like it may be one of those times.

What he does in response will depend on two things: First and foremost, his character. Second, HOW you deliver your information.

He doesn't need to know the truth as much as you need to tell it.

[Illusional]

oh by all means, don't worry because you didn't waste any of my time.

raverboy

[shh!]

Eh, I agree with Hayward that you ought to come clean with your boyfriend, but only because he knows it anyway. Generally speaking, if one cheats and is TRULY remorseful (meaning they aren't going to repeat the mistake), I think it just punishment to live with your guilt, and extremely selfish to burden someone else with it.

[pmac]

We are spending the weekend alone together. I have planned it in my mind a thousand ways to tell him. I know that he is willing to forgive me, he just wants the truth. When he confronted me he told me he could do so. I am just afraid that I have pushed this lie to the point that he will not ever be able to trust me again. I know that I violated his trust in the first place. So I guess I need to face up to the music and tell him. I can no longer live with the lie.

[whaywardj]

By "facing the music," you'll be putting your future together entirely in his hands.

Which is exactly what, I think, good love relationships call for: A willingness on the part of lovers to put themselves in each other's hands.

Good luck.

[pmac]

You are right. He told me all he wants is the truth. I am afraid of how much of the truth he may want. He is very inquisitive by nature and detail oriented. I dont want to have to give him all the details of my illicit relationship with this other man. However I think I am going to have to spill it all. My b/f has been looking at the housing section of the newspaper. I may lose him when I tell him. I know I am going to lose him if I dont tell him the truth. I hope i grow some balls this weekend to do the deed

[shh!]

Don't Give Him Any Explicit Details!!!

[Rosebud]

Just be honest, and don't go into detail on the acts themselves. Just be honest about what happened, and how you felt. Obviously there are other issues in this whole mess or you wouldn't ahve cheated int he first place. By being honest you will be able to realize what they are and if he is willing work them out together. Good luck to you on this, and remember BE HONEST!

[Mish]

Not to put too fine a point on it: **** your bf. YOU'RE the one who needs to tell the truth. For YOUR sake. Obviously. NOT telling the truth is tearing you up. In light of that, it's absolutely unimportant how he feels or what he does once you confirm what he already knows or suspects. This is about you and who you want to be. In a large way, he AND the other you cheated with, are just innocent bystanders in this drama you've made for yourself.

With the exception of anyone getting shot, I'm in general agreement with all the other posters. But would like to add: It's not about cheating. It's not about lying. It's about why you would create such circumstances for yourself as you're now experiencing.

If you want to know the answers to that question, the only way to find out is be honest. Yes, with him, but more importantly, with yourself. Which is NOT to be merely apologetic and regretful. Those are only the "openers" to being honest; your conscience at play, signaling what needs to be done.

After apologies and regrets come the real business of staying together: forgiving. Not only him forgiving you, but you forgiving yourself for whatever it was which drove you to the behavior that led you where you now stand. And MAY have been designed to lead you there. That's how you avoid repeating such behavior. By forgiving whatever forces there are within you which cause you to believe turmoil and punishment are things you deserve.

But to forgive, you have to understand. And to understanding, you have to be honest. Sometimes, painfully so. This sounds like it may be one of those times.

What he does in response will depend on two things: First and foremost, his character. Second, HOW you deliver your information.

He doesn't need to know the truth as much as you need to tell it.

Wow, Hayward, some real food for thought here! I wish I could force out all of my thoughts on these subjects in such a descriptive way!

I would also like to add, that you should develop a 3rd person perspective of yourself, where you can analyze what drove you to do all of these things in the first place and what methodology you can develope for yourself to avoid that in the future pmac! And as Hayward mentioned earlier, just calling yourself evil or being apologetic may not be enough to stop you from doing these things in the future...

[pmac]

I can analyze why I did this and I am sure I know why. One reason for sure ismyB/F is so sexually aggressive that I was afraid I am not enough for him. He wants it at least daily and more on days off. He claims he is only horny for me but I am afraid I am not enough to satisfy his appetite. I figured I'd leave him before he left me. One big problem is that sex is his calling, so much that it would be hard to find a man to keep me happy now in bed. (sorry Bill you still suck in bed) He is not the man I thought I left. I guess the grass is not always greener on the other side. He deserves the truth. So he can judge whether I am the woman he wants to be with. I thought I deserved better before now I think it is he who deserves better.

[whaywardj]

I'm not convinced that's what Mishanya meant by analyze, pmac. What you said above (in post 27) is more merely descriptive. I think he meant more like this:

1. "...my bf is so sexually aggressive..." Really? If you mean by "aggresive" that he's "active" rather than "violent," how do you know that he's not just average in his sexual drive and you're sexually more passive? It's so relative to so many things that it's often difficult to tell what constitutes "aggressive." As it stands from you've said so far, he just wants sex with you more often than you may want sex with him.

2. "...I'm afraid I'm not enough to satisfy his appetite. I figured I'd leave him before he left me..." Let's see...you imagine you can't keep up with his ****ing frequency, this make you apprehensive, so you go out and have an affair that is, evidently, based soley on...guess what: ****ing. Does this really make any sense to you as a reason? Sounds awfully more like an excuse, and a somewhat untrusting and hostile rationalization: "He's going to leave me anyway, so I may as well save myself that embarrassment by leaving him first."

And so on, down the line of every conclusion you draw about yourself as regards this matter. The remarks of yours above lead to me to wonder if you aren't/weren't just tired of him and merely wanted to taste a new pleasure. That has nothing to do with him or his sex drive, but everything to do with your discontent with him and the relationship. If that's so, own what's yours and avoid trying to explain it by convincing yourself someone else prompted it. That may be the REAL dishonesty working on you so heavily. Not your lying to him, but to yourself. Maybe you're done with this man and just can't face the fact, or face telling him you are.

FWIW

[pmac]

Well I did it. I needed some liquid courage but I told him this weekend. I dont know exactly what I said but he told me I said I was sorry. He just wants to put this in the past. He didnt ask anything but why. I guess he has a right to know. The trouble is I cant even tell him. I am not sure.

[Junsui]

Wow, well at least you did it.