Not Sure About Bisexuality (a bit lengthy a story)

[Not_Sure]

Ok, I am in a very confused state right now. It isn't one thing in particular, but a bunch of things that has made me question so much. First off, I have been very unlucky with women. I am always the nicest, greatest man they ever met (according to them). I can get along more easily with women than with men, and though I have a strong attraction to them, I can never gain more than a friendship from women.

You see, I am a very sensitive person, extremely caring, I like to read and talk and I love cooking for people. I have no ego that I push against people and am very passive, so especially I am the complete opposite of the alpha-male. Which is what most women want(for whatever reason; since so many say they want the sweet, kind man who will treat them like gold).

Anyway, my problem really began a couple of years ago when I went to a spa, it was a birthday gift. I met a hairdresser named Victor and he was so amazingly nice. For days after I was completely infatuated by him. But, it wasn't in a sexual way (Ill get to that reason in a second), but it was more than someone you meet who is nice and you think about seeing them again sometime. He really clung on to me for a while.

Ok, the big block in all this is what happened to me a VERY long time ago. When I was 6, for a period of 2 months, I was sexually abused by a 15-year-old boy in the neighbourhood. He would take me to this forested place and sodomize me. These occurances happened probably every 3 days or so. One time, when he was done, he pushed me to the ground, laid on top of me so I couldn't move, and thrusted a crowbar into my knee and said if I told anyone about what was happening he would do worse...at which time he twisted the end of the bar and ripped a huge hole in my knee. I had to go to the hospital for loads of stitches and I still have the large scar to this day on my knee.

I'm 29 now, and have only been in one female relationship, and only had 3 female sexual partners in my life (all VERY short-term relations...but all remaining friends). I am an extreme shy person, but like I said, when I actually get to know someone, especially women, they tend to love me but only as a friend. So, when you get to this point you start to wonder about things. About if there is something more out there than a female relationship.

Last month, I went to the hair salon (my mother treated me, since I was in such a terrible state with other issues, including my continued loneliness) and I met an amazing guy named Benoit. I also met Pierre. My 15 minute haircut lasted over an hour and a half because our conversations were so easy flowing, great and interesting. I felt more at ease talking with them about anything than I can with some of my best friends. I also left the place on such an amazing high. A joy I hadn't felt in years.

So, I am now somewhat confused, but very interested in exploring perhaps a bisexual lifestyle. Maybe it is the constant loneliness that has pushed me to go to this extreme, or maybe it is more. I don't know. I don't know if it is the horrible experience from the past that is blocking things, the fact I am a shy enough person as it is without now having to face a new world that is often critical and hateful of people who are different (even though it is 2006 and are more accepted, you still hear of gay bashings).

I was wondering if anyone could relate, provide insight to experiences they may have had when they dealt with bi-sexuality for the first time, and suggest how I should begin to look at this. From a sexual point of view, I am not there yet. Only seeing men who I have been fascinated with, both gay and straight. I am more towards personality (in females, so perhaps in males as well), which may explain why I am not seeing someone like a hot guy and wondering about sexual things. I really can't explain it. Anyway, thanks for any advice.

[Late_vamp]

how long has it been since you had sex ?
do you ever look at women that are barely clothed or porn?
have you had a bad experience with women ? noticeably in bed?
do you feel you are missing testosterone ?

[vashti]

I think you sound very lonely and depressed, so it is not surprising to me that you are considering any option which will allow you to connect to another human, and while I am not bothered by the fact that you are considering homosexuality, I am concerned by what is motivating your thought patterns. Have you considered talking to a professional about your issues? I think people make the best decisions when they come from a place of strength rather than weakness, and it looks to me like on some level you still view yourself as a victim.

Ultimately though, I think most people DO yearn for human connectedness, and if you find that with another person - male or female - more power to you.

[Not_Sure]

Couple of answers:
sex: 2 months ago...resulted in a VERY bad experience with a woman, but didn't relate to the sexual experience as it did the emotional (she has a lot of issues herself and didn't seem ready for all this; it was done after a night of heavy drinking by both of us).

And yes, vashti, I am very depressed and lonely. But this is not a short-term situation. My "relationship" two months ago scarred me, but the fact it was the first anything in over 2 years and lasted longer than 2 dates has put me into this depression. But in the end, I just don't see anything getting better. This has been it for the last 8 years. I feel like there is no point waiting another 8 years for another chance at an accidental one night situation because women don't seem to see me as mate, but as a best friend. It starts to make you feel like maybe there are other possibilities. But like I said, I am just not sure how someone exactly discovers such feelings, especially when you have grown up hating a man who did the things he did to you.

Again, to answer late-vamp's question...yes, i still love women and love a nice body. Though, honestly, the last girl I was with, I would rather be with her (despite her flaws) than any super model or amazingly hot star. Personality is more important to me than looks. Which is why I was very interested in many of these men, but couldn't connect it to a sexual way. Sorry, it's really hard to describe my confusion. But I do hear the merit of what was suggested by vashti.

[vashti]

The fact that you have been scarred by prior relationships does not make you homosexual. I guess I am thinking that it would be nice if you were actually attracted to men in that way before you pursued anything rather than experiment with a man who is unambiguous about his sexual orientation and may become attached to you.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are gay to me - just lonely - but I could be wrong. Do you have an otherwise active social life?

By the way - weekends are slow around here. You may not get many responses on the weekends...

[Rosebud]

I have to agree with Vashti. I don't think your gay at all. I think your yearning for companionship of any kind whether it be male or female. And I know it can be very confusing when you have all these feelings, but I truly believe you just want relationships in your life (friends or other). And just because your having bad luck with women right now doesn't mean this will go on for another 8 years. Things like this happen when you least expect them to you..

[whaywardj]

Do what makes you happy, fulfilled, content and kind, whatever form it comes in. Ignore everything else.

[Teezy]

Do what makes you happy, fulfilled, content and kind, whatever form it comes in. Ignore everything else.

That's probably the best advice you can get on this topic.

[clynn]

Wow. That is a very sad story and I'm sure it has affected you in many ways, more than you know. I would say, have you got counselling ever? Except that I'm not always sure that is a solution to anything. Sometimes I think that counselling can bring up more bad things and make you deal with them all over again. A friend of mine is a counsellor that works in a type of therapy (I can't remember the name) - but they focus more on coping mechanisms than on invasive therapies that make you recount trauma. The idea being that reliving trauma can actually serve to retramatize a person.

Okay, that was quite the detour...but, just wanted to say that.

I think that if you're feeling intrigued and comfortable around a certain type of person, this MAY or MAY NOT be telling you that you are bisexual. Could be that because of your history, you have a more open mind about these things...even though what happened to you was completely against your will and very criminal...it still happened, and you may somehow still feel guilty / bad about (Subconsciously....as I'm sure your intellect knows that you aren't at fault)....and with people who are gay / bisexual, you might feel that you can feel more at ease, and less bad or wrong. Just a speculation.

Ultimately, I guess I"d agree with whayward....it doesn't really matter WHY you feel comfortable or enjoy the company or certain people. You may not be needing to pursue a romantic relationship with people. You just are attracted to their personalities.

[Not_Sure]

I guess in the end all I can do is take it day by day (my excuse has always been though that I have been taking things year by year) and just see what happens.

No, I never have gotten couselling, and currently I cannot afford to get any professional help. I am just finishing my second round of school and debts are enormous with very little money coming in (which goes towards rent and just living). But perhaps, if I can get through all this, and I get some money sometime I may consider seeking help.

I appreciate the advice and comments everyone gave me. Talking about these things does help, even if just a bit.

[vashti]

Here's a tip for you regarding therapy. It is really the most effective if you have a very clear idea about what you want to achieve and you keep your focus. Yes, a thereapist may wish to explore a couple of the bigger childhood issues that you have, but be clear when you interview them that you are interested in a short-term arrangement. Some people are so relieved at having someone listen to them that they confuse the role of the therapist with that of a friend.

[whaywardj]

In the meantime, consider this: What is the purpose of comparing yourself to anyone (or anything) else?

[Teezy]

Shit man I can relate.

When I was 5, I was having sex with my baby-sitter's daughter. She was 7 or 9, I can't remember.

I used to get punked and bullied by the other kids. One day she said "forget them, let's go have sex."

I knew WHAT it was, but didn't really know how it was done, or what the point of it was. We went behind a shed they had in their yard and got naked, did the positions (of course I wasn't erect and wasn't doing full on pelvic thrusts but still), she even pee'd in a cup and wanted me to drink it, but I didn't.

This went on for a while, any time we had alone, sometimes in her room, sometimes out in the backyard.

Then again I got naked with a girl when I was about 8, my step-mother was running a day-care at home and a girl asked me "have you ever heard of sexy?" I think she was talking about sex, but she was young, and didn't know much. So it ended up with us being naked.

I actually got caught by my step-mother for the latter occurance, which was severely embarrassing.

Now, because of the fact that what happened when I was young is looked upon as immoral, to an extent I hold myself responsible for what happened.

I'm 21. Take my advice with a grain of salt. My advice would be to accept what happened as a part of life, and grow from it, rather than NOT accepting what happened and trying to push it away forever.

It is defenitely something you will never forget, but if you express it like you are on the forums, people will accept the fact that this happened to you, and know who YOU are.

Don't be afraid to express yourself, because when you reach the point where you can express who you are 100%, you truly know yourself and everything else falls into place.

[Teezy]

woohoo! I'm not gay!

[lilwing89]

is it possible to have sex that young?????????????????????????