Gone but not forgotten

[Lifeindeath]

Hello to everyone. I won't waste your time so here I go right into it...be forewarned, its long and filled with Drama.

My former wife and I seperated back in November and two weeks ago finally filed our papers for divorce. I left her, stating a variety of reasons I've now realized weren't entirely her fault. Now, while trying to move on with my life, I am bogged down by the unhappy feeling that I've made a horrible mistake.

You can chalk this up to simple remorse, perhaps, but its been several months and the wound hasn't even begun to heal. Part of the problem, perhaps, is that she and I still hang out once a week. (I realize the implications of this...)

There are a few more parts to this story that make it a little more difficult for me...so perhaps someone from the fairer sex can shed some honest light on it for me...

To start, she has consistently told me how sad she is and how much she misses me. The counter to this is that she has, and has had for a few months now, what I consider a boyfriend. A move on relationship, a filler, whatever you'd like to call it.

Every time I feel like I'm making progress in forgetting her, she'll call me and tell me she wants to hang out...only to either tempt me sexually or to mention how sad she is about us and how she misses us. Most recently she did this right before she was going out of town with her "boyfriend" on a weekend trip. I was asked to watch her dog, which I did happily (The dog is mine as well, you see)...and before leaving she proceeded to tell me that perhaps we could work on things, how much she missed me, and how the divorce felt wrong. I was conflicted...but I believed her. My heart started to lean back towards her after all the work I'd done to distance myself. I wanted her back...and I was so distraught I let my weekend be ruined. The following monday she returned from her trip...picked up the dog...and proceeded to tell me that she was sorry she said those things, and while she sorta meant them, she realized she didn't completely and it was a mistake for her to say those things. I was crushed. A few hours later we filed our papers for divorce together.
So for the next few days I let myself be a little more crushed. The following weekend I watch our dog again, and the night she returned to pick her up, proceeded to tell me in detail a sexually explicit dream she had about the two of us...only to push away and leave once she realized I was reacting to it.

And now I've swung back to the distance. Last night we hung out...but I could sense there was a wide gap in the way she was treating me compared to the other times...she didn't come on to me, didn't mention our relationship, nothing. Just hung out. I was a little stunned, perhaps rediculously so...because even though nothing should have perhaps happened, I felt rejected.

I know she is moving on, and I'd really like to as well...as much as I love her and want to be with her, it takes two to tango so to speak. I just cannot understand why anyone would dangle themselves in front of someone only to yank it away at the last second. I feel like my mind is being messed with majorly.

[bluesummer]

Well, all I can say is that your situation is not enviable. But I dare say she may be acting the way she does because

A) She loves you still (you left her, right?)
B) She's somewhat pissed at you for putting her through a separation and then saying 'you might have made a mistake'.

I don't know the circumstances of your relationship, but divorce is a pretty serious thing, and if you are not 100% sure that's what you want, it is a horrible thing to put another person through just to turn around and say 'oops'. Think about that.

[vashti]

I agree with bluesummer 100%. Do you have kids? (I REALLY hope not.)

[Lifeindeath]

No kids, thank goodness. Just two dogs that we seperated between the two of us.

Trust me, I really wish she and I could sit down and talk about it honestly and seriously...perhaps at some point we will...but I think her mind is made up, I think..and that of course hurts.

...something that would really help would be to get those horrible images out of my head of her with other people. I know I'm doing it to myself, but how can I clear my mind of them...they're driving me crazy!

[vashti]

If it is really over, perhaps you should cut out these once-a-week visits. It's like pouring salt in the wound. Besides, when one of you actually DO hook up with someone for a relationship, the visits will have to stop. Most boyfriends/girlfriends wouldn't put up with it. Do you know what I mean?

[King Zarathu]

They have pretty much laid it out entirely, and vashti just said what I was about to. What I'm curious to know is why exactly you divorced her. There is a slight difference between "I can't trust you, so this marriage isn't going to work--let's hang out every week!" and "You're a dirty whore, so this marriage isn't going to work--let's hang out every week!"

Also, regarding her and the other guys...I've been there with a lot of my past girlfriends and I can only imagine what it must be like with a wife... I don't think there's really much you can do about it other than let your will-power take care of it. Next time you think about her and another guy, think about yourself and another woman...not in public.

[Lifeindeath]

Thank you for the responses...

To elaborate on what ended our marriage, it revolved mostly around the fact she didn't respect me, she was cold and emotionally distant, and always seemed to be looking for the "bigger, better deal". She constantly talked about how marriage made her feel trapped, and how she hated being married. Not to me, she would say, just in general. That sort of thing wears on you after a while.

I started to realize how unhappy it made me to absorb that all the time. There was also a instance of an "emotional affair" where she met a guy from the internet (I know...what the hell?) that lived elsewhere, and proceeded to "fall in love with him". There is alot to it, and to explain every facet would be a bit boring to most of you...but needless to say... It quite nearly ended our marriage right then and there. Perhaps it should have.

But I've come to the realization for her reasons why she didn't respect me, and how immature I was in our marriage. How immature I was in our relationship in general. Now that I've had time apart from her, and learned a little about my own mistakes and shortcomings, I feel like I perhaps pushed our marriage in that direction from the start.

[Lifeindeath]

Update:

...I was stupid enough to hang out with her again on Sunday. It was actually a really good day together. Up until the last part of the day we barely mentioned being with one another. Then we started talking, got sad...and well, I while it hurt I thought it would end there.

Yesterday I went home early from work (Yes, this is effecting my work...fortunately I have a wonderful boss). I ask her to lunch, which she accepts. While out she tells me how sad she is. How she's been thinking of getting back together with me. How she misses me. Loves me. And I buy it, hook, line, & sinker. Again. Perhaps I heard what I wanted to in the conversation, but right then and there I was ready to start things over with her and fix what was broken.
We ended our lunch break with a kiss and a brief and painful discussion about the status of her current relationship...I find myself morbidly curious when it comes to that. And now, with my mind practically riddled with horrible thoughts, I trudge on.

Last night I ask if we can spend a bit more time together before the week takes over and we don't see one another for another week. She tells me, "No, I need to spend some time alone tonight." Which I immediatly don't buy. Later in the evening around 6:00pm she calls me and we talk a bit...and decide to meet for a bit of dinner...only to discover she did in fact have plans for her little "friend" to come over and spend the night and that her guilt lead her to call me and ask me to a brief dinner. When I asked her why she lied she told me she didn't think she was going to have anyone over, and it just happened. She goes on to tell me everything she said earlier in the day was just emotion and she regretted telling me because it effected my mood. When I tried to explain to her how it felt, she disregarded it and insisted it was all just emotional nonsense.

I feel like a fool, and worse, I feel like second best. If she really wanted me, really wanted to work on things, wouldn't she tell me that? Wouldn't she ditch this idiot she's been dating and go to me? I think I know the answer to that...and it makes me incredibly sad. The sick part is I can't stop thinking about the two of them together...and what he has that I do not.

Blah...I need to bang my head on something until I forget all of this idiocy.

[Gigabitch]

The sick part is I can't stop thinking about the two of them together...and what he has that I do not.

Dude, what he has is your wife.

Look, I've got some similar stuff happening. My husband and I filed for divorce in November. Our papers were finalized in January, and he is just now getting to the point of moving his crap out of my house. We see each other almost every day, but there are good reasons for this:

1. We have a child
2. He still has most of his crap in my house
3. It doesn't matter because our relationship is done. That's what divorce means.

Because you and your ex don't have any children, there is no reason for you to keep seeing one another so frequently. I think if you took a month off from her company, you would see clearly that your realtionship was all ****ed up and you're glad you're divorced from this woman who constantly jerks your chain.

Go on a date, for Christ's sake.

[Ellynn]

Yeah I have to agree with the others.... You need to move on...

Even though you left......it sounds like she left emotionally before you left physcially... She had an internet fling emotionally, she was always looking for something better, she would tell you constantly in general that she wasn't happy etc. That right there tells you something... If shes looking for something better....let her find it..

You need to cut out visiting her.. This is just gonna make it harder.. Plus all of her back and forth.... with wanting to get back together and then not wanting to... Thats crazy... I mean say that you two do get back together....whos to say that she won't change her mind in 6 months or in a year....and realize that shes still unhappy..
I think the only reason she is doing this is because things aren't quite working out with her "friend". I mean they may appear to be....but then again it could all be an act. Deep down shes probably not happy and found out that it wasn't what she expected......just like with you. So now she's afraid of being alone so she sticks with him, and yet talks about coming back to you..

Do yourself a favor and cut her loose.

[shai`anne]

Why do you still spend time with her? She might be stringing you along in case her and her boyfriend don't work out then she can come back to you.