Gone but far from forgotten, still in love with her after a year apart

[metal911]

My story seems a lot like so many others out there, so hopefully I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

I was with my girlfriend for two years, two of the most magical, beautiful years of my life so far, for both me and her. Then in April 2009 a love that was so strong, the strongest (even our friends used to comment on how me and her were perfect for each other), vanished, like a light switch my girlfriend just turned off. She ended it in my car, in a car park at the beach on April 17th 2009.

It all started about a month before that date, she changed dramatically. Became this distant, flat and unemotional person. She used to be so happy all the time, and when we would see each other I could see her smile from ages away when she saw me and she would come running to me. She started to just not enjoy anything, relationships with her family, friends, work and me.

I confronted her about it and she cried and said " I dont know whats wrong with me, I just dont enjoy anything, I am numb to everything", I asked if it was me and she said no, so she started seeing a psychologist, I would drop her off there and pick her up afterwards, we did this weekly for that month, then I dropped her off and the psychologist asked me to come in as well. While there the psych asked my ex how she would feel if me and her were to break up and she said "I would be shattered, he is perfect, the perfect guy for me and I couldnt imagine anything better than him, I know I love him in my head but for some reason I dont feel it in my heart".

So we kept trying, tried giving each other space, but everytime I would give her space she would cry and ask me to be with her, so I did because i loved her. She started coming up with reasons over the days like "I think im just scared of something so serious and real" but all the while maintaining that she loved me so much. On the night before she broke it off she sent me a text message "I love you so much baby, you are my heart forever, sometimes I just dont realise what i have".

The next day she and I were supposed to spend the weekend together at my beach house, alone, I call her to ask when she is going to be ready and she says she cant go because she has to go to a farewell party for our mutual friend (she never even liked this friend). This set off major alarm bells in my head and I got angry at her saying she would rather spend time with someone she doesnt even like than with me, and then I said it is clear what you are trying to do so just do it.

She came to visit me and broke it off, while sitting in my car I was in extreme agony, crying uncontrollably, just really lost my head and the whole time she sat looking forward, never at me, never came close to crying.....just nothing.

Then after that she didnt speak to me again for about 8 months, which makes it so much harder as we both have the same friends so we have to see each other at events and functions almost every weekend.

Its almost been a year and I still think about her 90% of everyday, I still love her so much that every morning i wake up alone and every morning I have to relive the agony of being without her. But i still have to see her all the time because of our friends, now those friends barely speak to me anymore because they are always with her, ive lost my friends and i lost my love.

I just have no answers, closure to any of this, how did it turn around so quickly, just vanished. I have become non existent in her eyes and worse she behaves and speaks as thought we never existed together, my heart is broken over and over again on a weekly basis.

Is there any girls out there that have done similar things, is there anyone out there who can help me figure this out. I just want my life back, that life I had with her, so happy with our house, friends, our life. I wanna know if she still thinks about, does she even care at all, she once said to me after the break up "i never loved you anyway, I just thought I did"

I don't know how to take a step forward without getting answers to how and why....help me

[NoName101]

Man, I know how it feels.

They forget you, forget what you did and even worse they may even deny it. But you cant let yourself. It's hard to deal with.

But you need to realize you dont need her. Dogg her a** next time you see her and she'll get the message. Who knows, you may already have a girl by then and not even notice her, and she'll be with some punk who dont care about her.

[SirWagginston]

I'm sorry.

[whyme87]

This seems crazy.was there any signs? I had a similar thing to you but she did tell lots of lies and we did fight alot...people like this cant be normal?i found out my gf had BPD.
But it seems you had no signs which is crazy but hey it happens all the time...my parents married 30 years seemed fine and one day my mother acted just how your gf did....my parents are back together now and seem happy but my dad is not the same i think he constantly worries it will happen again.i think you're better off without her as you'll forever have that worry

[sunflwr23]

well let me tell you...i am in in the same situation as you with just the gender roles reversed.
My ex and I were together for a year and then a month before he started acting a little distant but we were away from each other on break for a month. Then he drew really close to me and wanted to spend all his time with me, etc. Then he even broke up with me in his car. He was coming to pick me up to go hang out at his place. He broke up with me because I was ready for a serious committed relationship and he was scared of that. He said at the time he wanted to come back to this this spring but it was probably just something he said. It's been a year and I like you think of him through everything I do. I do other things and I have fun don't get me wrong but in the back of my head it's always "what would he say to that?" "wish I could tell him this story?" "wonder what he's doing tonight?" "does he miss me?" "hope he sees my away messages and sees I am out having fun and have a life he is missing out on." I even dream of him every night probably because he is in and out of my thoughts so often. One difference is we haven't seen each other in almost a year. Besides brief passings at school in the early months after the breakup in which we hardly even acknowledged each other cause there was so much hurt. So we don't see each other often like you see your ex. We have been talking quite frequently recently. But I don't know how to start over and I don't know how to move on exactly. SO I am not much help. I'm sorry!

[cmacattack1]

It just sounds to me like you guys spent too much time together and she wanted some space. Yet when you gave it to her, she would get desparate and feel like she is losing you and want to be back. It sounds like me in my relationship, I had some serious issues and when I wasn't like I was with my girlfriend before, she freaked out and got really upset and tried and begged and pleaded to get it to work. That neediness made it worse and I really backed away and she tried for months until she got sick of it and kicked me to the curb.

It's really hard to grow as a person in a relationship when you are there to be their crutch. She obviously has some issues and with you in the picture all the time constantly being there for her when she would get desparate, she didn't really grow or learn much. She had you around as a cushion until she was ready to drop the bomb. I understand that you are angry and frustrated because you care about her so much and had so much invested in her. But the fact of the matter is that she isn't communicating to you and isn't being honest with her feelings. I remember that when my ex dumped me and resisted all my attempts to get back, I began to tell her everything that was going on with me finally and it poured out of me like a floodgate. Of course that's the wrong time to try and fix things and it must have been unattractive as hell. Now she's with another guy. That's when she was finally ready to kick me to the curb when she had him lined up.

It's great that you tried to help her through all her problems, but you have to pay attention to what you are doing and if its getting results. If it isn't, why would you continue to do that? Because you loved her, right, but there is only so much you can do and if she isn't willing to work on and become a better person herself and just wallow in her self pity about her issues, nothing will ever be fixed. I'm sorry it had to end like this for you.

[LostMan]

Man, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. It hits very close to home, as I feel like I am literally in the spot on your timeline where my fiance is about to see a therapist. My thoughts are with you as you work to heal and forget. It sounds cliche, but time really does heal all wounds. I was married for 8 years previously, and it was devastating to lose that relationship, but I was able to move on -- you will too.

Stay strong

[Roymax]

Sorry about the lost, folks. I've learned that when ever I fall in love that there is no guarantee in any relationship. Here today and gone tomorrow. Yep, I thought that the woman I was married to we would have lived happily ever after. It takes two to commit. The memories will always be there so I'm learning how to embrace my pain and turning it into a more positive force in my life. The more pain you endure the more stronger you can become to over coming it. Turn it into your favor. He or she never had you to begin with. So far I haven't found her but I will one day.

[metal911]

thanks for the replies guys.
I am doing alright, still going out and having fun and all that but as was said above, still got her in the back of my mind. I just don't know how someone can love you one minute and deny the existence of the whole relationship another. She did have some serious issues with losing her mother early in her life and she never really dealt with it, i think that has something to do with it. But i will never know really what happened and why.
Once again thanks guys