I am the queen of stupidity!

[KoningBeatrix]

Hello everybody , is the first time when i write on this forum but irealy feel like all my world is ruined around me and sometimes i feel like i wanna run and hide somewhere where my pain can not reach me .... I realy don;t know how to act and what to do and for that i ask ur help and ur advices but i wil tell my story .
I come from a poor East-European country ..i was have job , a beatutiful son how i was raised alone ,i was work even 18 hours/day only to can provide him all he need ..i was alone 4 years because i was not wanted to be hurt and working so much i was not have any time for fun or dateing ..so my best friend was make me a profile in one dating web-site ..there i was meet Him from West-Europe...he was a very nice man , good looking and after 2 weeks he was visited me in my country ...honest i was get in love not of the gifts he bring it or of his money ( for me the financial part do not count )..i fall in love of Him because how he was treat me , how he was give me atention and how he was make me feel special ..he was the second man in my life and i was said from the beginig that and i was ask him to not hurt me and if he want only one adventure he must look in another part ..he is more older then me whit more then 17 years....Anyway..now we are still unmarried ( and not even a smalll chance at marriage)... we have a beautiful son he is 12 mounths now ..he love him ..is a good father and the little one adore him..also my other son how still live in moderland and he come in hollydays ..but betwin us is nothing ...he don;t want me even he is very nice whit me...i prouve him 100000 times i love him and i don;t want anything from him only a little bitte love and respect ..even recently he was inocent in jail and i was next to him whit all my heart and soul ..he promise me all will change when he come home and now he understand my pain and my lonlyness and he was promise us a second chance ..he comeback and like always he find one escuse to be upsate on me ..he tell me i was doing wrong trying to help him ,find the law in this country in his case ,going to his friends to ask help when no one was help him ...Now all is the same ..he is whit his womans on the pc ( he love to chat and have "realtionship" whit womans on the internet )and me here alone whit the pain in my heart. Sometimes i want to go to let him but then i am looking at that little boy and i am thinking what i can offer him in my country where i don't have nothing (my family don't recive me home whit another kid ) ...I love his father very much i want all to be good to give him all the love i can get ...i am feeling like i am the last person in the world ..i feel unatractive ..i feel also not honest because i can not have the power to let him go on his life ..but what about my life?..i cry for nothing ...i feel my soul empty ...
Some advices???? what u will do? Take the kid away of his father and put him to live in a poor country ..or stay here and cry in my soul thinking how much i love him and i ca not have him????
I will finish my story now to not bored all of u whit my biggggg story ...thank u in the front for all ur answers...

[polo]

I think you have the right idea. I know you should always lookout for yourself ...but honestly, you have to look out for your precious first. Look at things now and in the future ...and figure out what will make your child have the happiest life. Do you think he can have a good life if his mother is always distraught?