Need advice on a situation

[apiman]

Ok, here's my problem. I'm a senior in high school, and I met this one girl six years ago. She's two years older than I am and is in college about an hour away from me. I used to obsess over her; I wrote her name in my notebooks repeatedly, told her I loved her, and even gave her expensive jewellery. I've danced with her numerous times, hugged her, talked to her several times, etc. I chose my high school based on where she went, yet when I got there I was too nervous to talk to her because I always thought of her as being above me. She would say hi to me in the hallways and ask how I am from time to time, but I always assumed she flirted with me because she knew I liked her. I never really thought she liked me, which is partly why I decided to forget about her sophomore year. I did everything I could to not think about her because it was pointless, what with her going to college. Two years later, I have successfully put her out of my mind, well up until about a month ago.

All of a sudden I began dreaming about her every night. It really bothered me since I had thought about her for so long and didn't know why I would keep being reminded now. Long story short, I then realized that she was the reason I ran so fast in cross country and track. She indirectly motivated me to be as fast as I can, but since she's been gone I haven't run as well. Anyways, I decided to call her and tell her about this in hopes of getting it off my mind. She didn't know what to say, but she did tell me that I could call her if anything else came up.

The point of the phone call was to get her off my mind, but it didn't work like that. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her, and for the past three weeks I've been trying to get ahold of her. I finally did two days ago; I thanked her for listening to me and asked if I could call her just to talk. She told me she didn't feel comfortable because she doesn't really know me and doesn't know what there is to talk about. I said that I understand completely, because I don't know what there is to talk about either. There are things I can ask her, but they are more interrogative than conversational. I told her I'm not trying to ask her out, I just always wanted to be her friend and like talking to her. She said she is busy all of this week but she'll call me back next week when she has time. Honestly, I don't think she'll call back; not because she doesn't want to, but because she'll be so busy that she'll forget. Even if she does call, I don't know what there is to say. I still love her, and I would hate to lose contact with her, but I don't want to bother her either and put her in a position where she is just being nice to me. I really don't see what the big deal is just talking to her on the phone, and usually people don't know each other when they first start talking... the only problem here is that she may not really care to about getting to know me.

I guess what I'm asking is, well, what could I talk to her about? Should I just stop bothering her? I'd give anything just to be her friend, but alas I know I have little chance at that. It amazes me that after six years, I have never met anyone more beautiful and kind as she is. It's plagued me, however, since I compare everyone I meet to her and notice how imperfect they are to her relatively. It really bothers me that I didn't talk to her my sophomore year because things would be much different now.

Any comments or advice would be appreciated.

[sfalexi]

I personally would like to take bets on whether she'll call back or not. I'm going to say she probably won't because she already told you she'd be uncomfortable. So she'll probably just refrain from calling and that'll be the end of it. Now here's some things to think about in the meantime.

You remember her from six years ago. And right now you're a senior in high school. That would mean that six years ago you were around 12 years old and she was around 14 years old. I'm willing to bet that in six years you have changed a lot. And so has she.....

It amazes me that after six years, I have never met anyone more beautiful and kind as she is. It's plagued me, however, since I compare everyone I meet to her and notice how imperfect they are to her relatively.

Try replacing "is" with "was" and you'll see my point. You remember the old girl from back in the day. People change a lot. And she may not be as beautiful as before or/and as nice.

Let's say she does try to meet you and she is as beautiful as she was in the past. And she seems as nice as she was in the past. What real ties have you with her from the past? You weren't really THAT close. I've danced with girls who I wasn't close with. I said hi to girls that I wasn't close with. So you really don't have much to "reminisce" about. And if you do decide to "reminisce", that only makes it a one time meeting to look back at the good 'ol days. If you want any shot at having a relationship with her (assuming that she is still someone you'd want to have a relationship with, and she accepts to meet you), you're gonna have to almost act as though it were someone you just met for the first time last week. You are going to have to be witty, funny, have interesting stories, and basically make sure she ENJOYS that meeting. Which will be hard to do cause she already thinks it's going to be an "uncomfortable" situation.

All in all, the chances of you making her a good friend are very slim. And if you don't get that phone call, better just ignore the dreams and don't turn into some obsessive stalker person.

Alexi

For the record, I've had recurring dreams a few months ago about this girl I used to know in high school too. But I'm not acting on them because they are just dreams. Just a manifestation of my subconcious. Not a "sign from the fates" that this is my destiny.

[apiman]

Thanks for your in depth response. I think she might call back because she said she would, but I really don't know what to say if she does. I know that she and I didn't change too much from her 8th grade year to senior year, but I can't speak much for the past two years. As I said, I think she just found it amusing that I liked her and never thought anything much of it.

One time when I was running with another senior two years ago, he told me that the girl I'm talking about brought in a picture of us from a few years before... at the time I was already trying to forget her and didn't think much of it... I've questioned several times over the past two years, however, as to why she would have brought that in. I think it was for some class because he said it was up in some class room, I wish I knew what it was for.

Anyways, thanks again for your input.

[IceQueen]

Don't count too much on her to call: if I were you, I'd meet some other girls, she is obviously not interested.

Apparently, you have idealized her, and now it's hard for the real girls around you to measure up to imaginary her. Stop thinking about her, stop talking to her, forget she exists (she probably doesn't anyway -- not in the way that you imagine her).

[apiman]

There is a second motive at hand here. I've realized the past two years that all I've had to motivate me to run was myself, and that has not worked. After talking with her right after Thanksgiving, I felt a rush where the adrenaline kicked back in and was able to get out and run like I should be. I feel that if I can stay in contact with her and talk with her from time to time, I'll feel much better and keep that adrenaline. I would welcome suggestions as how to find other sources of motivation, but quite frankly they have never worked. I know that I can get the best feeling from talking with her, but I won't tell her that because I don't want her to feel sorry or feel compelled to talk to me for my sake. That is partly why I'd hate to just stop thinking about her all together because track starts in February and it will be my final season.

Earlier today I looked at it from her point of view and tried going through life as if someone two years younger than me did everything I did the past six years. Going through everything, I would have felt kinda creeped out yet thought it was cool that someone would have thought of me like that. I wouldn't have gave it a second thought and wouldn't have really cared. I would feel really confused as to why this person would be calling me six years later when I've never really thought about them and don't know them at all. I wouldn't be rude, and I would probably feel obligated to call back since I said I would, but I wouldn't know what to say. It wouldn't matter to me either way if that person called or not, I'd just find it kinda odd. The only way I'd want to be their friend or anything more is if I got to know them through talking, something I wouldn't necessarily be against. Overall, I would probably feel melancholy toward the whole situation and not care either way.

[sfalexi]

Looking at it from her point of view is good. But that's only good if she thinks the same way YOU do. So don't count on it.

You compare everyone to her, but you have to realize that everyone is going to be different. Girls have different shapes, different eyes, different hair, different hobbies, different pasts, different situations, different educations, different religions, etc. etc. So direct comparison for girls is a REALLY REALLY BAD way to see if a girl is good for you.

You have to realize that while one girl may not like the same hobbies as the other girl, she might introduce you to other ones. While one girl might not be as shapely, maybe she makes much better conversation. While one girl may not have those great green eyes, maybe she would have deeper feelings and take care of you better. While one girl may not have that great laugh, maybe she's got a better kiss.

Don't compare girls trait for trait like you might've been doing.

Alexi

[apiman]

So far she has thought a lot like how I would have thought about the situation. I'm pretty confident I know how she felt towards me and how she feels right now.

I understand what you're saying about comparing girls, but it's not something I can consciously stop. There wasn't one thing I saw in this girl that attracted me to her; in fact, I don't know what it is about her. What I do know is that nobody has since affected me like she did so instantaneously. I'm not saying that I fell in love at first sight because I didn't give her a second thought until after I met her, but there was something I can't explain. Many girls have been interested in me and have tried to be my girlfriend, and I try, but it just doesn't work. Everytime I do something with another girl or think I can be their boyfriend I either dream of the girl I love or something reminds me of the past. It's very annoying, because I thought I had completely forgotten about her two years ago. I know now I can't make the mistake I made two years ago of ignoring her because I know she's the key to getting me through my final track season. If she doesn't call back, I'll simply call her, tell her I'm sorry I bothered her, and try to forget about it.

[LightOn]

Hmmmmmm. Ask yourself this....Could the reason behind you liking her/loving her/obsessing over her be the fact that you feel she accepts you the way you are? As in not complaining to you about you, never seeming to have any problems with you whatsoever, her seeming like a great friend to you rather than a girl obsessing over you? Don't answer that question here though.

If that rings a bell look at this perspective. That is a form of unconditional love, and in no means is that bad....quite the opposite. Although people seem to show more unconditional love in something or someone they don't want for themself or don't want to hurt either. Watering a plant can be a form of unconditional love, because the plant can't water itself. So it is quite possible we people tend to "need" someone elses love because we are not loving ourself. That is what makes people different than plants, because we can love ourselves.

Many people will obsess over something or someone through out their lifetime, it has become natural for us to want things. With that said, we have pushed off loving something unconditionally, and leaned more towards just wanting something.

Personally I would not hold high hopes for her calling, like she said she is going to be busy. So try your best to accept any possible circumstance that comes forth.

As for your track, use the motivation of someday someone like her will want you more than anything. And give life a run for it's money!

[apiman]

Thank you for your advice.

I just spoke with the person who had been there with me the past six years when I was obsessed with this girl, and he had some interesting comments. I'm going to think them over tonight and see how I feel about it tomorrow.

[IceQueen]

Watering a plant can be a form of unconditional love, because the plant can't water itself.

Completely off-topic, but just want to make sure you understand the concept of unconditional love -- unconditional love is when you don't ask for anything in return. Watering a plant can not be considered an act of unconditional love because, as a rule, a plant gets chosen and bought on the condition that it decorates its owner's apartment. Once plants dry up, they get tossed out fairly quickly.

However, I fully agree with this part:

So it is quite possible we people tend to "need" someone elses love because we are not loving ourself.

[LightOn]

As off topic as the "watering a plant" as it may seem, the comment about the plant was more so to get the correct state of mind going for the other statement. Consider it a metaphor.

Watering the plant(or nurturing) because it needs water, yes the sole purpose was to decorate your apartment/house. Same principal for giving an infant milk when its in its toddler years, why nurture the infant? because it cant do it on its own yet. And why do you plan to bring a child into exsistance? Different people have different reasons, if you plan a child it is because you WANT (key word) one for some reason. So Technically you are getting something in return, wether it is someone else to love or you want to be a parent of the next Einstein. Once you choose something you should love it under any condition. What or who makes it through its life alone?!? But yes indeed you do love something without any expectations period! Not even a chance to love them/it again, or expecting even a smile in return.

I could debate why I consider this unconditional love for ages, but I will end it with that. Before it goes farther "off topic"

Apiman, good luck!

[LightOn]

Also, I brought up uncondtional love for the main simple fact that, it may be that what has drawed him to her is her not expecting anything from or of him. So it could be he has fallin for her what seems to be unconditional love. Even though she may not be purposly doing so.

[IceQueen]

Again, off-topic, apiman, sorry.

Same principal for giving an infant milk when its in its toddler years, why nurture the infant? because it cant do it on its own yet.

Notice how you don't just feed random infants or water random plants, even though NONE of them can do it on their own.
There is other motivation in place.

Once you choose something you should love it under any condition. But yes indeed you do love something without any expectations period! Not even a chance to love them/it again, or expecting even a smile in return.

Can't agree. While that might work for parental love, that's an extremely unhealthy thing to do in love relationships.

I also disagree that her treatment of him has to do anything with love, let alone unconditional love. Smells more like good old indifference to me.

[apiman]

I know I've kinda already said this, but here is how I feel right now.

My friend offered up the idea that this girl enjoyed messing with people's minds, and I agree with that statement to some degree. She always found it amusing that I liked her and played with my mind by flirting with me because I assume she thought it was funny. I'm positive she never once took an interest in me as a person but took an interest in toying with me. This is why it's uncomfortable to her now because she never really thought of me as a friend or someone she liked, and it's like talking to a complete stranger. Therefore, if I am to become her friend, I would have to treat it as if I'm calling up somebody I don't know and starting right from the beginning. That's something I don't think she'd want to do, and I don't know if I can do it. I can't really talk to her about the past with her because she thought of it as a joke and nothing worth remembering. This bothers me because I still think he's not like other girls, and I can't stop until I know of some valid flaw in her. One flaw I guess is that her intentions toward me were never really postitive, but it's possible she has changed over the years and would be a good person to know.

[sfalexi]

What you wrote today . . .

Therefore, if I am to become her friend, I would have to treat it as if I'm calling up somebody I don't know and starting right from the beginning.

And what I wrote before . . .

you want any shot at having a relationship with her (assuming that she is still someone you'd want to have a relationship with, and she accepts to meet you), you're gonna have to almost act as though it were someone you just met for the first time last week.

Now why weren't you paying closer attention?!

Alexi