Hi
I ended a relationship about 5 years ago. The relationship was both exhilarating and terrifying. It was the first time I was in love. I felt we were really soul mates. However, there were also issues in the relationship that were quite bad. I am very introverted, and she often emotionally overwhelmed me and she could not help it. In retrospect, I realized that I had a co-dependence problem.. the relationship was all-absorbing and I could not draw a line and assert what I needed.
To make a long story short, the relationship came to an ugly end, after about a year and a half. Even though I felt pretty strongly we should break up, I regretted it. She started dating someone else right away. I was insanely jelaous and begged her to take me back. This all transpired about a month or two before 9/11. It felt like my world and the world around me were collapsing at once. Looking back on it it feels like what followed was an extended state of shock.
The reason that I'm writing this post however, is because I have not had a healthy relationship since then. I have not been able to open my heart. I have tried several times, but each time it did not feel right. I think I also picked the wrong women. After hurting a couple women, I feel like I don't even want to try, unless my heart feels open to it. I got over the relationship.. the disappointment, jealousy and sadness. But along the way I feel I lost my innocence, and I feel became more judgmental. I don't feel the person who I really am.. I can't get back my sense of wonder, confidence, and purpose in life.
I feel that so much more is possible but I can't seem to open my heart to it. Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the desert of apathy.
I would really appreciate and thoughts.. suggestions. Thanks.