Should I forget or give it more time? (long)

[Crispy12]

To start off, I'm 19 and in college. I only dated a few girls in highschool and none of them were really serious, but I'm still very aware of what I look for in girls. My situation is really complicated, so bare with me because I'm going to try to be as detailed as I can.

There was a girl I had met once or twice at my school last year and barely knew at the time. She left for a semester and came back and had some classes with me. We immediately became BEST friends and we were always around each other. One day we ran into a couple friends at a store or something and it was obvious that they thought something was up, so later on she was talking to me about it and said the reason it scared her was because she and her boyfriend (from here on referred to as B) had not been technically going out for a few months. They had been going out for over 2 years and were pretty serious, she lived with him for a few months before she came back to my school, he told her he loved her and wanted to marry her and everything. But he had completely changed what he wanted to do to basically match what she was doing, and she didn't want him changing his life just for her, so she said they should take a break from going out so he could decide what he wanted to do. She also mentioned something else about their semi long distance relationship having to do with it, too, because he seems to be the jealous type and doesn't like her hanging around other guys (which is hard because my school has tons of guys) and she is kind of insecure about herself and worried that he'll start liking another girl. So they were taking a break from their relationship, but it was still like they were going out- they still called each other every day, called each other baby, visited each other, and all that. B knew that she hung out with me a lot and I think he got upset with her a lot because of it.

A few days after that, we were hanging out in my room and she started acting weird and left in a hurry. I eventually got her to tell me what was wrong. She told that she had been having very strong feelings for me to the point of where she was doubting her 2 year plus relationship, and it was scaring her (this was the first time she had ever doubted it and she is extremely loyal to him). He had also kept asking her when she was going to start officially going out with him again and if she loved him and everything. She said she knew she loved him, but she wasn't sure how and she knew he was in love with her. It was to the point where she was thinking about me the few times he came down to visit her. I told her that i had feelings for her as well. We both still hung out after that and acted like we were still just friends.

A few days before we were going to have a short break (during which she was going to tell B she wanted to start going out again), we were having a long talk because she was worried and didn't know what to do. It started kind of slow but eventually we started holding each other and kissing and stuff (just tender kissing, but it was pretty passionate). She said she hadn't felt like that in a long time. Eventually it got late and she had to leave, and she said she didn't want to let go. I had a different feeling with her, too, that I hadn't felt with any other girls before. A couple days later we were hanging out at her house with some friends and started kissing again after they fell asleep. When she left for the break, she said goodbye and said that she was going to tell B she wanted to start seeing him again. She said she didn't want to and wished we could have given it a try, but that's how it had to be.

During the break she called me and asked me if I was sure that I really liked her. I told her I did, and she said that I was going to be really happy because she was going to give it (a relationship with me) a try (later on I found out that they had been arguing a lot over the break). The last day, right before she came back to school, she went to basically officially dump B, which I know was hard because she's a really caring person and doesn't ever want to hurt ANYONE, she still cared a lot about him, it was her first serious relationship (she hadn't had many relationships either), and it was the first time she had dumped anyone. She also said she had a strong connection with him because he is the first and only guy she has had sex with (sex is something that she takes very seriously and believes you should only do with someone you really love, and probably the person you plan on marrying) and I believe she's the first and I'm assuming only girl he's had sex with as well (this is also something important to her, and it was another reason she liked me because I'm still a virgin). She officially broke up with him and told him everything when he asked her why (she didn't tell him about us kissing, and I think she might have toned down how much she liked me because she didn't think he could handle it). Right afterward she called me up in tears saying that she broke his heart and he hated her now and said that she was a horrible person for doing that to him. She got to school later and said she needed more time to figure out what she wanted to do and didn't want to be with either of us right now. Later on that night B talked with her over the phone and said he still wanted her back, and everything basically went back to how it was before the break with them taking a break from their relationship and us just being friends that really liked each other.

Things kind of stayed that way for a few weeks. We still hung out, but we didn't kiss or anything, although she said she wanted to very badly. It was to the point where we both knew that we could have a great relationship, but she kept saying that things just couldn't be that way. We had only known each other a few months and after all this we both kept having thoughts of the future (if we were going out), even several years into the future and started talking about things we would do and places we would see together. A couple weeks before we went on our Christmas break, she said that we would just have to forget about each other and she was going to tell him she wanted to go out again over the break. The day before he came down visit her and drive home with her for the break, she came to tell me goodbye, and we started kissing again.

Over the break we both missed each other a lot and we still talked every day, and neither of us could bring ourselves to let go. Her and B kept arguing about petty things, and she started asking me things like what I would do in certain situations (apparently to see what I would do compared to what he did). It got to the point where she was thinking about me more and more around him, and even pretending it was me when she was kissing him. A few days before we had to go back to school she was sure she wanted to be with me, but he stayed with her for a couple days right before school was going to start and she became confused again. When I got back we hung out a couple times and started passionately making out to the point of almost having sex (would have led to that if we kept going), but eventually every time she would stop herself and say that it was time to go. She called the next day and said that none of it was anything I did, but she was scared because she was happy when she was with me. She had been telling herself the whole time that she didn't even think she'd be able to be intimate with anyone other than B, and she WAS able to with me. I told her that after seeing how upset and scared she was the night before knew I would be able to control myself because I didn't want to see her like that again. I still had to get something that I left at her place anyway so we finally decided we'd finish watching a couple of our dvd's but keep our distance. About 10-15 minutes into the movie she got up and said it was time to leave because even though we weren't kissing or anything she still really wanted to and I should go before something happened again. Before we could bring ourselves to leave, we were lying in bed again, and hugging turned into a repeat of the night before. Again she stopped herself and talked about she had to be with B, and that she loves him. She also told me that he had told her that he didn't want her talking to me any more, so we weren't even going to be able to really be friends or hang out any more. Now she's gone up to visit him and will be coming back in a few days.

I still really care about her and like her a lot, but I'm not sure what I should do. Do you think their relationship will last now, and I should just do my best to not ever talk with her (which would be hard because I see her 4 days a week in class, and I'm used to talking to her every night) and forget about her (also very hard, I was not even able to think about doing anything with any other girls when I was away on break). Or do you think they will eventually completely break up, and I should just give it a little time? If I try to start seeing other girls (hard for me to make myself do in the first place), that would probably make her not want to be with me, or at least make her not want it nearly as much. I realize she seems a little crazy, but she was just really confused about what she wanted and cares a LOT about both of us. Also, although I say boyfriend, they weren't officially really going out, and she is not the cheating type. She's the most loyal girl I know, and I wouldn't have anything to do with her if I thought she wouldn't be. This is also not just a temporary physical attraction. I'm sorry for making a ridiculously long post, but it's a complicated situation and I had to try to let you know both of our personalities and how we both feel.

Thanks for the help, I tried to paint as clear a picture as I could. Feel free to ask more questions if you need something cleared up.

[Crispy12]

To help give you an idea of the situation, here are some basic facts about B and I.

Me:
-We think almost completely alike. We like all of the same things, have the same values, want to do the same things with our future, and want the same thing out of life.
-Would definitely be a very serious relationship.
-I'm not a jealous person. She likes how I don't get upset or question her when she talks to or about B
-We both have an almost complete understanding of one another.
-We both feel that we can be completely honest with one another. Neither of us have ever lied to each other, and we couldn't even bring ourselves to do it if we wanted to.
-She's the only girl I've met that I REALLY care about and just enjoy talking to. I also just get a different feeling with her that I've never felt before.
-She likes the fact that I haven't been with many other girls and that I'm still a virgin. She doesn't like guys who have had sex with a lot of girls.
-She said that although her and B are having trouble communicating with and understanding each other, it wasn't like that in the beginning. So she was worried that I would change or things would be different later on with me (which I would STRONGLY doubt).
-Thinks about me a lot even when she's with B, but no visa versa.
-I'll still be her friend if we don't end up going out, although B will almost surely not let her hang out with me at least for a long time if we don't.

B:
-There is security in the relationship.
-There is a long history between them.
-Already 2-3 years of a serious relationship.
-Only person she's had sex with, and AFAIK the only girl he's had sex with.
-Seems to be kind of a jealous boyfriend. Gets upset when she hangs out with guy friends a lot (there are a lot of guys at my school).
-Has already had to lie to him about whether or not she's kissed me because she thinks it would completely ruin their relationship.
-She thinks that he will never want to even be friends with her again if she goes out with me.
-They are currently having problems understanding one another.
-She thinks that he will never be able to find another girl if she goes out with me, but I will be able to find another girl if she goes out with him.

[The Great OV!!!]

-Has already had to lie to him about whether or not she's kissed me because she thinks it would completely ruin their relationship.

Well gee, I don't know about other guys but it sure as hell would piss me off if my girl was kissing someone else. That is affection meant only for the loved one. You kind of made it sound like it is his fault that she has to lie here.

[Crispy12]

No it isn't his fault. She's scared and really cares about him and doesn't think he can take it. I'm not trying to say he's a bad guy either. I'm sure he's a great guy, and I don't judge, I'm just trying to go by what I know. It sounds like she's being a really crappy person, I know, but she is not like that at all, and it's killing her to have to do it.

[clynn]

I think that you should probably butt out of the situation.

Stay clear, tell her that you care and respect her, and because of that, keep your distance until she MAKES UP HER BLOODY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND!...she should GET OVER HERSELF! Really! I'm sure the guy will be heartbroken. But.......he'll survive. He's not the first guy in the universe to suffer heartache.

I'm sure the MAIN reason they aren't getting along, in addition to the distance factor, is that SHE IS SCREWING around on him. D-uh.

This situation will play out as it should. It will not go on like this forever. Something will happen to break it. As in, maybe the "jealous" (or perhaps intuitive - it isn't called jealousy when the person you are feeling jealous of is actually up to funny business)....maybe the boyfriend will come up for a weekend to surprise her and find you two together and there will be a big blow up or something.

Something will happen, big, mild or otherwise.

[The Great OV!!!]

I think that you should probably butt out of the situation.

I agree. After reading your entire story it is actually plain simple. Their relationship is not over yet...that is all that should MATTER to you...period. As in, she is not single... or...you can not date her. Tell her to make up her mind and that is it.

She doesn't want to hurt the other guy? I don't buy into this "she likes him so much so she lies to him" BS. If she liked him she wouldn't lie to him, did you know that lying is a sign of disrespect? How do you like someone you don't have respect for?

[Gigabitch]

She doesn't want to hurt the other guy? I don't buy into this "she likes him so much so she lies to him" BS. If she liked him she wouldn't lie to him, did you know that lying is a sign of disrespect? How do you like someone you don't have respect for?

This is the real deal. OV's right- she's just insulting the guy.

[Crispy12]

I dunno, if it's disrespect for him or not. She's the most honest person I know and doesn't lie about anything else. This is her first serious relationship and she only had 2 other boyfriends before so she doesn't really know what to do. That's why she was FREAKED out when she started having feelings for me (she said VERY strong feelings). She doesn't want to throw away all the memories and security her bf and her have at the risk that I may end up not liking her later on. She's very self conscious and always worried that I will end up not liking her.

Anyway, it's been about a month of not hanging out and not really talking more than a few times a week (not for long, usually about what we need to do for class), and nothing has improved as far as me getting over her. She called a week ago and said that she had to call me and that nothing was getting better for her. She told me to try to date another girl and see if I feel the same way I did with her.

[Crispy12]

Ok, I need to know what is going on because I'm confused as hell. A week or two after my last post, she started acting really different. It almost seemed like she was trying to avoid me. I'd go up and just say hi and try to talk about her day or something and she'd just say hi and find something to do or someone else to talk to and basically make herself busy. This was not normal at all, but she wouldn't answer me when I asked her what was wrong. For about another 1-2 weeks she would randomly come visit me when she was close by and hang out for a little bit, but when I would give her a hug goodbye (no kissing or anything), she would say that we can't do that, but after I apologized she'd say she wouldn't have done it if she didn't want to. But most other times during that 1-2 week period, she'd seem to avoid me, especially when we were around people. Toward the end of the week she called me up in the middle of the night in tears asking if I could cover her shift at work because she had to go take care of something, and she wouldn't tell me why. It was obvious that she was having some drama with her bf (not sure if they were back going out at the time), but I covered her shift. Later I talked to her and told her I knew it was something to do with her bf which she admitted was true but wouldn't tell me anything more. Later that night she said she wanted to take me to get something to eat. On the way back in the car I gave her a hug and told her thanks, and she kind of stiffly said that we couldn't do that, but then held my hand and pulled my arm over her while she drove. I told her I was sorry, I didn't know she didn't want me to do that, and she again she said she wouldn't have done it if she didn't want to.

About a week later, we had a camping trip thing for school and happened to be put in a group with people from her bf's school (which is in another city) and her bf included. All 4 days she talked to me very little and I basically had to sit around and watch her act all flirty in front of her bf. I knew it would be like that because no one else knew they had split up for a while or that she had been having feelings for me. The day after we got back, she called and said she was sorry I had to be around for that and that she knew it was hard for me. We talked for a short time and then I asked her if she still had feelings for me, and she said no. I asked her what made her just stop having feelings for me all of the sudden like that, and she said she didn't know. I was very sad when I heard this, which made her feel even worse, and she said "You didn't love me did you?" I told her I was pretty sure I did, and then said something with no ill intentions(although I certainly shouldn't have said it, but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly) which was taken the wrong way and really upset her. She basically didn't say a word to me for about 3 weeks to a month after that night.

Now all of the sudden she just started talking to me and said she forgives me for what I said. She asked if I was over her yet and said she wanted to try to be friends again. The entire conversation was awkward because I hadn't talked to her in a long time and was kind of surprised that she was even talking to me. I told her nothing had changed about how I felt about her, and she could tell I was still sad. I called later that night and told her it might take some time, but I wanted to do my best to not be sad around her and still be friends. Now suddenly she seems to be trying to avoid me at times, and when she says she'll call me later on, she doesn't. She is very busy right now, but it's still weird because when we were friends she would always call every day. Over the past couple of days she has kind of alternated between acting like we were friends again and seeming to avoid me.

So that's where I'm at right now, sorry for the long ass explanation. Can anyone tell me what in the hell is going on with her?

-Crispy

[Gigabitch]

No, but I can tell you what's going on with you- you're torturing yourself. Stop it, Crispy.