My GF doesnt like being around my friends

[olioli]

Hi, i had to come on this forum for advice because I'm having a lot of trouble at the mo. My GF doesnt like being around my friends and its causing a lot of hassle for me and my best friend.

I've been with my GF for over 2 years now and i love her lots but recently she has had a lot of issues with my friends, mainly my best friend.
I dont see my other friends hardly now mainly because theyre away or go different colleges to me. She used to get on well with my best friend but over time she just stopped seeing him, even though he's like her neighbour. This caused a lot of stress for him, her and me because i was caught in between it. The issue she has seems to stem from either paranoia or jealously, im not sure which or why exactly. I mean i can understand her paranoia, my friends are bitchy, and she just cant understand that they would never bitch about her because she is/was their friend but she's just got so paranoid of what they think of her that she doesnt want to be around them.

It's got to the point where she basically dislikes my best friend and i simply cannot be with them both together, they don't talk anymore and its too difficult. This is causing me soooo much hassle.

The other day for example my friend came back from uni to visit which she rarely does, and they were going out, i wanted to go out with them too but i had already planned to go out with my GF, so i asked if she would come. She made such a fuss about coming, she didn't want to and i was made to feel guilty for wanting to because i already had a date with her. But it doesnt seem fair because I'm with her all the time and i want to see my friends sometimes. She couldnt meet me seperately so it was either -- she didnt come with me and i left her home alone, she did come with me and it was awkward, or i just didnt meet my friends.
This is what it's like now and i have to meet my friends seperately from her which can be really difficult. It's mainly difficult because when i'm at my friends house she will sometimes text/ring me when im there, probably suspicious of what im doing or something. I mean the other day she knew i was at my friends and she rang me and asked me to come to hers cus she felt ill, but i was at my friends and i couldnt, she hung up on me. In a way i feel she does stuff like this deliberately because she doesnt want me at my friends. I think she is constantly comparing herself to my friends, like she doesnt want me to enjoy my time with them more than her, she is afraid she is boring even though she obviously isnt.

This is why it could be a jealousy thing, i mean she doesnt have as many friends out of the relationship as i do, not now that she doesnt talk to them anyway, and she might just be jealous that i enjoy their company or they enjoy mine.
She is also paranoid that they bitch about her, like i mentioned earlier.

How can i handle this kind of behaviour? the blaintent paranoia and jealousy is so much to deal with, i'm not a therapist, i cant deal with those types of things.
I just accept that she is like that and meet my friends seperately - but this is so hard too!

What do i do when i want to meet my friends? I cant even enjoy myself around them so much now because of this, and every weekend is a struggle because i have to juggle her with my friends and she takes everything so personal!! I see her every day, i rarely see my friends.

Please give me some advice on what to do when i want to meet my friends.
thanks xx

[Gigabitch]

Draw a big, thick boundary and stop that behavior of hers at once. This is unacceptable, and it will only get worse. She's acting like a control freak. Can she trust you? Then she should.

End of story.

[olioli]

Because she cant be around my friends i am forced to meet them seperately, so it comes to a points sometimes where i have to change our plans to suit hers or visa versa. And when it comes to this she can take it really personal, how do i deal with that?

[Junket]

Because she cant be around my friends i am forced to meet them seperately, so it comes to a points sometimes where i have to change our plans to suit hers or visa versa. And when it comes to this she can take it really personal, how do i deal with that?

Just tell 'er straight up that she is being unfair to you.

Ask her what she feels so insecure about, and just assure her it's nothing for her to fret over.

Discuss options of ways that you can hang out with your friends and spend time with her.

Alternate between hanging out with them alone, and bringing her along.

Maybe even set up a day you girlfriend can hang out with your bestfriend one on one without you for a few hours?

[lamarthe]

It's great to have a relationship but it's also great to have friends and one shouldn't exclude the other. On the contrary, we sometimes need our friends more than our lover cause they usually won't break our heart or leave us.

Perhaps you should sit them both down and tell them that such silly behavior is making your life miserable. They don't even have to like each other but understand that you want to spend time with her and him.

She is the woman you love so really there is no way around it and he has to respect that. He is your best friend and that's not going away either and she needs to respect that too.

So they should get over it and get on with. The situation could become so bad that you could end up destroying your relationship. I mean what exactly does she want you to do? Stop seeing your mates? Has she actually asked you to do so because that's really unfair. And stupid. It will only make matters worst because you might carry on seeing them behind her back and then she will really go nuts! Is that what she wants?

[olioli]

She hasnt asked me to stop seeing them, i think she knows thats too far. When im with her and i get a call from my friends wanting to meet up, its impossible to handle and visa versa.

There used to be a time where it wasnt difficult, and my friends were hers, but gradually things changed. I think she just got paranoid about the way my friends are, they can be pretty bitchy, but theres also a jealousy aspect, and a wierd aspect to all this.

Ages ago, a while before she got to the point of not meeting my best friend, she asked me something crazy. This is abit embarressing... but my girlfriend asked me if i ever thought i might be... gay! By this time i was already going out with her for like around a year! I asked her why she would ask such a thing and she said it was because of the time i spent with my best friend, and that she had some creepy dream about us being together. If you ask me thats just a moment of insane madness, if anyone should know im not gay its her. My best friends abit camp, he's not gay hes just excentric, anyone should have more sense to judge me that way purely because he is my best friend!

And a few weeks ago she told me she found it wierd if i meet up with my best mate two weekends in a row, even though i never see him much. I spend every weekend with her and i see her every day! thats not wierd!

Since when was it wierd to meet up with your mates on the weekend?

To be fair to her she has made an effort to patch things up with my best friend, but he's had enough. He hasn't done anything and she just stopped seeing him, he's tried is fair share and she's tried a bit but its just not working. And the only one with the issue is her, she has this paranoia/jealousy issue and in the end thats whats torn them apart. She never had anything to be paranoid about before, he liked her loads, but now irnoically the paranoia has lead to him disliking her.

He feels like hes an awful person because of how she is being, so this is affecting him and me aswell. He got so depressed about it last time we met that we did nothing, and it was a shit night.

[olioli]

Basically its at the point where i dont think it can be resolved 100%. At the mo i have to meet them seperately.

My best m8 understands this and he is ok with it when i have to change dates and stuff, although understandably its abit annoying.

My GF understands this but in some ways she seems to want to get in the way of when im meeting my Best Mate. When i'm over there she sends me paranoid texts and rings me. I also think she even tries to arrange dates deliberately when she knows im going to be at his place. I have nothing to prove thats whats she's doing, she might just have to change the dates for whatever excuse she has, but from the way she has been acting i wouldnt be surprised if its an act of jealousy when she does that. It's all abit crazy...

[Gigabitch]

Dude, that IS crazy. WTF?

Okay, now this is going to sound paranoid too, and I know you've had enough of that, but is it in any way possible that she's feeling guilty?

Did she make a pass at your best friend? Cause she's acting like a lunatic.

[jurupa]

Did she make a pass at your best friend? Cause she's acting like a lunatic.

Or his friend made a pass at her. Because it seems something had to happen to cause this.

[lamarthe]

A real real real hassle... You have to tell her again and again that this is making your life miserable. And in the nicest possible way, tell her that her messages when you are with the boys are disturbing. Doesn't she have any girlfriends herself? I know you said not many but at least one?

It sounds like you really care about her therefor you should reassure her of your love. If you best mate is sad perhaps now is the time to try and get them together, perhaps the timing is better as all involved seem to be depressed about it. She might just grow out it. But, at the moment - you seem to be the only one that's compromising, walking on egg shells and trying to reconcile both scenarios.

What do you mean when you say your friends are bitchy: rude, arrogant, testing and playing with the people they don't know?

Is it possible that something happened there and you missed it? Ok - now we are getting paranoid...

Constant jealousy and paranoia doesn't sound very healthy to me... On occasion but over and over. I would lose my temper for sure.

[olioli]

A real real real hassle... You have to tell her again and again that this is making your life miserable. And in the nicest possible way, tell her that her messages when you are with the boys are disturbing. Doesn't she have any girlfriends herself? I know you said not many but at least one?

It sounds like you really care about her therefor you should reassure her of your love. If you best mate is sad perhaps now is the time to try and get them together, perhaps the timing is better as all involved seem to be depressed about it. She might just grow out it. But, at the moment - you seem to be the only one that's compromising, walking on egg shells and trying to reconcile both scenarios.

What do you mean when you say your friends are bitchy: rude, arrogant, testing and playing with the people they don't know?

Is it possible that something happened there and you missed it? Ok - now we are getting paranoid...

Constant jealousy and paranoia doesn't sound very healthy to me... On occasion but over and over. I would lose my temper for sure.

She really doesnt have any girlfriends, i mean i was friends with girls but only through experience of growing up with them in school, and i can understand why people wouldnt like their company, and to be fair she never really clicked with them although they do like her, she has said in the past she doesnt like them - and wont meet up with them. It's sad i know. But its almost the same for me, i mean my best mate is praticly the only mate i have apart from her, i mean true friend, we obviously have small social buddies but no one special. He is just my best friend, the rest of my old friends are at uni like i said and they come down some times. And theres 1 or 2 other friends, which she likes alot, but they rarely come down either.

The issue mainly stands with my best m8 primarily.

And yes they can be incredibly bitchy, arrogant, playfull you name it. But theyre very close and attached to their friends and don't bitch about them, unless its in jest -which if your friends with them you understand. It's because we all grew up in a school we hated together so it developed a bitchy attitude, but its something that is comical rather than threatening, its nothing serious.

I can understand why she got paranoid about it because she doesnt know them as well as i do, these are the people i grew up with.

I would try and get them together and recently, to be fair on my GF she made a little effort like i mentioned, but its just gone so far now it seems even if they did meet it wouldnt get 100% resolved. They met to discuss it once before deeply, when it first began - although they seemed to 'make up' nothing ever happend after, things just stayed the same.

I very much doubt anything happened between them to cause this that i dont know about, because my best m8 is evidently just as confused as i am, and its completely unlike him to make any 'move' or anything.

Alot of the reason why i avoid losing my temper is because it is so hard to deal with things like this. I have discussed it with her, and asked her what its all about and she has just said she didnt like the way he/my friends are. I never told her i think she is jealous or anything, i told her i think she is paranoid she kinda agrees abit, but thinks she has good reason to be (fair enough i guess) - it doesnt really stop the issue though, just clarifies it.

Its hard to deal with things like this because she does tend to take things very to heart, a dramatic interpretation can be made out of anything i say and she can seem find things very hard to hard to understand without thinking its because theres something wrong with her or something i dislike about her. She thinks shes boring.

I just dunno what to do, like i said im not a therapist, if she has these issues in her head its not like i can sort them out, i can tell her over and over i love her and shes not boring and she doesnt need to be paranoid (although i can understand why) but it never does anything.

I just have to accept this is how she is, and deal with it. How should i deal with it? I already meet my friends seperately. How should i talk to her when i need to tell her something like 'i need to change a date with you because my best m8 can only meet me on this date' or whatever.

My friend thinks im too submissive, and i have tried being blunt - either way it always takes a long talk/arguement before we can come to some sort of resolve/agreement. Its just too much too often you know?

[lamarthe]

It looks like she has issues with herself and perhaps should consult. Unless she grows out of it soon, it will destroy your relationship cause you will feel miserable most of the time.

As I said, I would have lost it by now. You are extremely patient. I hope she can see that.

[vashti]

Assuming you have given her no reason to be suspicious and she remains unwilling to hang with your friends, I think you should tell your girlfriend you only want to see her X number of days per week and make the days clear in advance, like a schedule. For example, see her on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, and Sunday during the day. The rest of the time is yours to do get together with friends or whatever else you need to do. Don't take phone calls from her when you are out with your friends if she is gonna give you grief.

[lamarthe]

Hmm - I am not sure she will appreciate such an un-romantic
approach (I mean Vashti's suggestion). I wouldn't, actually it would probably upset me. But that's me.

[General Mac®]

Classic case of the Possesive Obsessive Woman aka POW. you messed up from the beginning buddy, you should have laid the law, you women secretly want you to make them make decisions and do things, shes got the upper hand and your losing BADLY. What will happen next is she will get bored of you WUSSY behaviour, find an excuse to dump you and find an ALPHA, i always take my Q from the Silverbacks. **wink**