Concerned about a friend

[CAM]

Okay, not exact "love advice" but it relates more to the direction a friend's life has taken

I have known this guy since I was in high school--an old friend. He's always been a little flaky. Despite that he is well-paid, he is always in debt. When we were in our 20s and I would visit, I'd always crash on the floor of his apartment--a sleeping bag or something. I should note that my visit was always at his insistence, "Please come and visit, CAM" he's almost always end up being "very busy" and I'd end up exploring the city where he lived by myself.

Now, we're in our 30's. He still doesn't have a penny to his name. In debt, yet the guy makes like $10,000 a month (way more than me). Again, he pushes for me to go visit him, now in another country. After I get my plane tickets and about ten days before I am supposed to go visit, he calls and says that he doesn't have any room in his new place, I'll have to stay in a hotel. Then, about four days before I am to arrive, he calls to say that during my week visit, he'll have to fly out of town for business for two days. I say, "Well, maybe I shouldn't come?" He says, "Oh, please come to visit, really I'd like to see my old friend." Then, the day before I arrive, he calls to say "I might have to go out of town for a third day."

At this point, my tickets are not refundable so I am stuck. I go to visit. Now, remember, I've put out about $1,500 just for the plane ticket and for the hotel room. I'm also going to have to eat out every day because he never has any food in his apartment.

I get there and he says that he's made reservations for dinner--turns out the bill for a "normal" dinner comes to $400! When the bill arrives, he insists that we split the cost. I got pissed off.

He goes out of town on his trip and I stick around the city to see things. Anyway, he later tells me that he asked his girlfriend and she said that I was right about being pissed. I'm thinking to myself "Why does he need to seek advice for something so obvious??"

Anyway, of the course of the trip, I noticed that his personality has really changed. Really cold towards me. He has a new girlfriend who is nice. When I returned home, he drunk-dialed to tell me that he was out drinking with an EX-GIRLFRIEND. He said that his new girlfriend was hurt when he told her but, he said "I don't care what she thinks!"

So, apparently he is treating everyone shabbily.

Then, he emailed a few days later to say that now that he is in a new "relationship" (referring to the new girlfriend) that I shouldn't expect to hear from him that often. Also, he indicated that he had thought about my visit and in essence felt that it was "normal."

I'm wondering--does this sound like a person who is starting to do cocaine or something? Or, perhaps an alcoholic? (when I threw some stuff into his trash can, I noticed that he had like eight empty wine bottles in his garbage can).

It is odd that someone who up til about two months ago was calling me three times a week is now distancing himself so abruptly and doing the same thing to other people.

Any thoughts?

[misombra]

with friends like that, who needs enemies?

[CAM]

I agree. He's pretty stupid to destroy a 25 year old friendship--I've known him for 30 years.

Get this nugget: While I was visiting, he had said, "Let's meet for dinner after I get off from work. Meet me outside my office building at 7 pm." So, I go to meet him at 7 pm. He's not there. About ten minutes later, I see him coming out of the building on his cell phone--I could tell he was talking to the girlfriend. Later, he admits that he actually got off work at 6 pm and had used the hour to walk to his girlfriend's apartment. He tried to talk her into a quick sexual encounter, but she declined and told him that he shouldn't keep me waiting. What kind of person does this to an old friend?

I will never talk to him again. His actions were beyond forgiveness.

But, my gut is telling me that he's a drug addict or an alcoholic...it seems to either be a recent development or perhaps he has always had a problem and now I'm just seeing it get out of control. Do you think I am right?

His parents called me the other day--they are going to visit him in a few months. I am fully expecting to get a call from them later asking me if he has a problem.

[anachronistic]

man, that guy is an idiot. then again, i can feel for you. 2 years ago, i went to go visit my 'best friend' who lives 2000 miles away. it was a fairly expensive trip, $1000 round trip. i went, he knew i was coming. i got there, i called his house, everybody was asleep. i left a message saying to call me back.

the next morning he got up and called me. he said that he is leaving in a few days to go visit his dad a few states away. i was planning on visiting him for about 2 weeks. i saw him for 2 days and then spent the rest of the time walking around in the city with some acquaintances.

i just don't talk to that guy anymore.

[misombra]

that is very rude and disrespectful. some people just don't care about the time and energy of others.

[CAM]

LW--Wow, that is terrible! How can people do this kind of thing to another person? I'm not an idealist when it comes to human nature, but it is beyond belief that a friend could just so willingly mislead another friend and be so cruel.

It would have been better to never be so insistent for me to visit. In your case, your friend should have been more honest and upfront rather than being an asshole to you like he did. And costing both of us alot of money!!

[CAM]

Mis--ur right. If we ever visited each other, u would never do that to me... I can just tell

PS Thanks for the nudge to return to LF.

[misombra]

no prob.

no i wouldn't do something like that. when i have guests in i clean up my house, set them up with a nice bed, cook them awesome food, take them out to do all there is to do, i have it all planned out. i show my guests a good time. that's the way it should be que no?

[CAM]

That's what I do when he comes to visit me. I do the same thing for every friend that stays at my home. My philosophy is that one should treat your friends right because friendship means something to me.

[DoesntMatter]

It definitely sounds like something has changed inside his head. I wouldn't be surprised if he spirals into depression. But then again he is probably already there. Who knows why he changed, but he has. I'm really sorry for you, that sucks hard.