Married but attracted to another guy.

[lavender_heart]

Hi everyone, I'm new at this, please excuse me if I make any mistake in the posting. I have been very troubled for a few weeks. I have no one to turn to, I am hoping somebody could give me some advice here. I'm married, but since 3 months ago, I started to be attracted to another guy. What should I do? Please help! Thank you!

[IndiReloaded]

All married ppl become attracted to another person at some point in their marriage. Inevitable, unless you're dead.

What you do really depends on a lot of things: your values/views on marriage, your partners views, and other things that add to this mix, like children.

If you haven't known the new guy for long & you want to stay married, I suggest you figure out a way to avoid him. And try to rekindle in your own marriage whatever it is that you think this other guy has that your partner doesn't (guessing here). Good luck.

[lavender_heart]

I would say my marriage is considered ok overall, married 8 and half yrs but no children. But lately I have been feeling lonely, I don't know why. I'm still doing the same things as before.....

[sazzya1987]

Hi everyone, I'm new at this, please excuse me if I make any mistake in the posting. I have been very troubled for a few weeks. I have no one to turn to, I am hoping somebody could give me some advice here. I'm married, but since 3 months ago, I started to be attracted to another guy. What should I do? Please help! Thank you!

Don't give into your temptations of another guy. Why would you want to ruin your happy marriage for another guy? Why would you want to hurt your husband? I think liking another guy is just a crush you feel for him, just like in high school, you may have reached the point in your life where you have been with the same person for many years now that you feel a little bored so you create a crush out of some other guy you have seen. Like I said, don't give into that temptation. Try to forget about the feelings you feel for this guy and enjoy your marriage.

I would say my marriage is considered ok overall, married 8 and half yrs but no children. But lately I have been feeling lonely, I don't know why. I'm still doing the same things as before.....

You are missing something in your marriage, figure what it is you are craving for in your marriage, when you have figured it out then talk to your husband, let him know your needs, and know he's needs too and have fun in your marriage.

[shh!]

All married ppl become attracted to another person at some point in their marriage. Inevitable, unless you're dead.

True, that. I don't know why anyone would expect any different.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with Indi and shh! (They are married, btw, and I used to be.)

Little story: while I was married, I had a crush on somebody for over four years. After I got divorced, i no longer had a crush on him at all and didn't even consider getting back in touch to see if he might be interested. This is because the crush wasn't really about him at all. It was about me, and how I felt about being married.

I think the loneliness is what we need to worry about, not the other guy. Do you want to elaborate on that topic?

[Miss Dy]

to be attracted to other people when married. It's hard to tell you what you should do. Only you know if your marriage can be worked out or not.

Are you miserable in your marriage?

Do you think you can forget about this new guy? Is there a way you can avoid him?

Do you want out of your marriage?

I know it's hard to concentrate on your marriage when you have someone else in your mind, but if you want your marriage to work, you got to forget the other guy, no contact at all.

I personally do not believe in monogamy for a whole life. This is simply impossible in my mind.

Take care.

[shh!]

I personally do not believe in monogamy for a whole life. This is simply impossible in my mind.

Take care.

Impossible? No. Monotonous? Yes. People used to do it, though, and I've been married for a long time and have never cheated.

(I'm not dead yet, though.)

[DoodleMan]

Impossible? No. Monotonous? Yes. People used to do it, though, and I've been married for a long time and have never cheated.

(I'm not dead yet, though.)

Boiyoyoyoyoing

[Gigabitch]

Now look what you've done.

[anachronistic]

All married women become attracted to another person at some point in their marriage.

I corrected your post.

[Mathias]

I corrected your post.

Huh? You don't think you'll EVER be attracted to someone after you get married?

[IndiReloaded]

I corrected your post.

All married people. Men & women, both. Will be attracted to another person at some point in their marriage. Inevitable.

Okay, assuming they've been married for at least 5 years, the time before is still the honeymoon, IMO.

But it doesn't mean its okay to go jump in the sack w/them. Anyway, what kind of person would chase after someone who is married.

But I forgot, LW, how long have *you* been married for again??

[lavender_heart]

Thank you everyone for your input and advice. Before I start, let me mention that this is going to be a long post:

I think liking another guy is just a crush you feel for him, just like in high school, you may have reached the point in your life where you have been with the same person for many years now that you feel a little bored so you create a crush out of some other guy you have seen. Like I said, don't give into that temptation. Try to forget about the feelings you feel for this guy and enjoy your marriage.

You are right, sazzy. Now that you mention it, it is indeed a crush that I created myself. This guy and I haven't even started talking at all, we just smiled to each other from a distance a number of times in the past 3 months, that's all.

You are missing something in your marriage, figure what it is you are craving for in your marriage, when you have figured it out then talk to your husband, let him know your needs, and know he's needs too and have fun in your marriage.

I think the loneliness is what we need to worry about, not the other guy. Do you want to elaborate on that topic?

I really want my marriage to continue. After reading through all the inputs here, I started to think and figure out this loneliness, where it came from, why, and what is missing in my marriage now as compared to before.

To give a little background, my husband and I went through some difficult times since Oct 2006. Not marriage/relationship problem. Not at all. He had an anxiety attacklast year, due to some major changes in the company that he works in. Things were pretty bad for Oct, Nov and Dec'06. He was very fragile, and unlike his usual self. I tried my best to help him. There were nights that he couldn't sleep due to anxiety, and I stayed up with him, talking to him the whole night, trying to calm him down. A number of times we both just hugged and cried together. Finally in Jan'07. He decided to seek professional help. He went to see a psychiatrist, started taking medicine and started psycotherapy. Then his condition improved, and 6 months later, he is back to normal. He stopped all medicine and psycotheray after that. We were ok through all those times. It was hard, but we were together as one.

After reading the inputs here and thinking, I realize that lately, things started to change. For maybe 1 to 2 months, he seem to be normal on the surface, but I started to feel him being distant. We go through the motion of everyday life, doing the same things as before everyday, but like 2 robots living under the same roof. The connection that we used to have wasn't there anymore. So I think that might be one reason for me feeling lonely. When I say I feel lonely, it is really emotional loneliness, not physical loneliness.

At the same time, 3 of my best friends moved/are moving away, leaving the country. I came to USA 8 and half yrs ago after getting married. We don't have family here at all. My husband was all that I have, together with a few good friends that I made here. So that may have also contributed to my loneliness. Every so often lately, I found myself during the day, at home, facing the empty house, has no one to talk to, dont' know where to turn to and feeling just so alone.... I couldn't call my husband at work, because lately he was very short and brief in his phonecall like he didn't want to talk at all. And I don't have friends that I could call neither during this period of time.

When my husband and I are together at home in the evening, we have dinner with the tv on, and he has nothing to say to me. after that we take showers, and get to bed to watch more tv, like 2 machines in front of the screen until we fell asleep on each of our side of the bed.

yesterday, after I figure out a bit of that, I talked to my husband. Then I found out that things are still very shaky in his company, but he didn't tell me anything at all. He felt that he had burdened me too much in those months that he had his anxiety, he felt that now he is better, he wants to give me a break, by not mentioning anything to me, just put up a face. But the end result is that his face was artificial, our connection was gone, things became superficial coz his mind was somewhere else. He closed himself in his own world thinking and worrying about his company stuff and me standing next to him invisible.

Giga, you are absolutely right, the other guy is really not the real issue at all. It is the loneliness. Coz after the discussion with my husband, I suddenly felt better like before again, and that guy just suddenly seem so insignificant!

But the case is not closed yet. Sorry for you all to hear about my babbling here...... When I brought up the issue, perhaps it didn't quite came out right, coz I was crying and all, now he started panicking about our marriage. So look what I have done, oh dear! My husband now not only worrying and anxious about the company stuff, I piled on a marriage factor on him!!!!

What should I do now to calm him down... oh dear... what have I done!!!

[vashti]

You need to figure out how to occupy yourself to prevent lonliness. It isn't really your husband's job to ensure you never feel lonely. Can you take up a hobby or volunteer work or get a job? You need to get out and meet more people.

Once he sees you get yourself together, your husband will be less anxious.