Need some drastic advice - This one will be long

[o9z]

I am totally confused.....and I have no clue what to do. My highschool sweetheart and first love just contacted me after 9 years!! Let me give you a few up-to-date details to begin this.

I am 28 years old and married with 2 children. I have been married for 4 years and with my current wife for going on 8 years total. I met her when I was 20.

My ex is 27 years old, married, 2 kids and with her husband 5 years total.

Also, my ex is very religious and never wanted to have sex before marriage. I wasn't as religious and was a typical guy, wanting to have sex, but luckily waited until I found my first love. We dated for 1 month or so, and we eventually started having sex. Then we started having sex ALL the time for 2+ years. We first met when she was 15 and I was 16. We were each others' first sexual partner(and her only one till she finally got married)...(I had a few in between at college)

Our relationship was one with many ups and downs. She was truly a VERY VERY nice girl. She was brought up in a very religious home and she meant well in every action she took. We did fight like any couple did and I was probably to blame for most of them. Our relationship ended when I was 19(almost 3 years) and ready to leave for college. Rumors were floating around that I was sleeping with someone else. This was not at all true, but I would never win an argument with her. Jealousy tore us apart. I was so exhausted with the relationship that I didn't even try to deny it though it was not true at all. I was faithful to her the entire time we were together.

Needless to say, we didn't speak for along time.....9 years to be exact. We lived in Iowa and went I went to college I never saw her. The next year, she moved to Florida for college. During college, she met her husband and they moved back to Iowa. I had moved away from our hometown, so never ran into them there either.

Fast forward a full 9 years and she just contacts me through FACEBOOK of all things. She sends me a message asking how I was doing. One thing led to another and we start rehashing our past. Talking about the the many good memories. The bad memories were mentioned but not discussed. I was so excited to talk to her. I felt like I found a piece of me that was lost for so long. She was my first love and I will always have a place for her in my heart. She feels the same way....she told me. We didn't really hold anything back. We made it known we both would always love the other. Being the great person she is, she also said that the love for her husband was different though, naturally. The love for my wife is different too. She also told her husband she was talking to me, which is something I couldn't do to my wife. She had talked to her husband about me in the past and she told him she would always love me.

I have NOT stopped thinking about this woman for almost 10 years. Is there something wrong with me? I can't tell my wife I am talking to her because she knows about the relationship we had and how I felt about her. To be honest, our relationship isn't as strong and truth-filled as my ex's and her husbands. They trust each other whereas maybe we don't as much. Maybe not so much trust as understanding. Neither of us have cheated, or would for that matter.

But....and here is where it is confusing.
For the past few days, I can't stop thinking about her. I have found myself staring at her pictures on facebook...sending her message...just to catch up. I would actually talk to her on the phone if she wanted to, though I would never ask to. I spent 3 years of my life with this woman, and have only been in 2 serious relationships ever..and 1 was with her. I know I still love her, but is it lust speaking louder right now? What do I do? I don't want to ruin my marriage, or hers for that matter. I just feel like a certain part of me came back to life when she contacted me. I seriously feel love-struck all over again. And to be honest, with the thoughts going through my head right now, I would probably risk my wife for another night with this woman.

She finally told me that she didn't think we should message each other throughout the day so much like we did for 2 days straight....not because her husband would be mad, but because she didn't feel it was right with herself and her faith. We still send messages occasionally, and I only message her once in a while, but not because I don't want to...only because I don't want to upset her. Even when I don't message her, I am refreshing the page waiting for her to send me something.

Also, she sent me like 20 pictures of her and her family, and she looks the exact same....the same person I fell in love with. I am just so torn right now.

Do I just ignore her and let this end? I think ti will then turn into another 10 years, but might be best for both of us.

We have both discussed are feelings, and they are mutual....both of us still thinks about the other and still loves the other, though that love has changed. So rehashing it all again isn't the solution.

Do I settle for a friendship or is that a bad idea?

Anyone went through something similar? I think I might love this girl than I am willing to admit.

Also, in regards to the rumor about me cheating earlier....when we talked, I told her it wasn't true at all. And she said "Why didn't you tell me then? Now I will be saying "What If" about everything forever". She was pretty upset that I just now told her that it wasn't true and thoguht we could have worked through it all.

[anachronistic]

seems you are forgetting about your loving wife and your loyal children.

are you willing to ruin their lives to make yourself happy? are you willing to admit you don't have the responsibility it takes taht you have already put forward by committing a sacred vow to your wife?

let's not mention her family.

if you can honestly break the innocent hearts of all these people for a revival of high school romance, then you do not love them. any of them.

[o9z]

That's not true at all. That's exactly why I am in this rut. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here. If you only knew the kind of father and husband I am, you would understand this a little better. My wife and I have a great relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we are better friends than husband/wife though. My kids are absolutely my world though.

I am pretty sure I would never risk that for this girl, but in my heart if feels like I have already let my wife down with these thoughts.

[anachronistic]

That's not true at all. That's exactly why I am in this rut. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here. If you only knew the kind of father and husband I am, you would understand this a little better. My wife and I have a great relationship. Sometimes I wonder if we are better friends than husband/wife though. My kids are absolutely my world though.

I am pretty sure I would never risk that for this girl, but in my heart if feels like I have already let my wife down with these thoughts.

but if you did really care, why is there a doubt? if your relationship with your wife is great, why do you doubt? your children will hurt the most from it.

just to thow some thoughts in your head. i really hope you were not considering doing something that ridiculous for something that happened on facebook.

here is what i would do if i was you: tell your wife that your high school sweetheart sent you a message. you will be cured of guilt. tell your high school sweetheart that it would be okay to write sometimes, to keep in touch, but not too much as you have been the 2 days.

[vashti]

I think you should cut contact with the ex.

You are romanticizing your childhood relationship, and well, you are not children anymore. Naturally things look rosier with the ex than they do with your wife - you aren't married to her and have less familiarity with her.

Honor your commitment to your family. That will make you feel better about yourself in the long run.

[o9z]

The point of my post was stated in the first post I made. I was asking for advice on how to handle it. And I gave options I thought of. I was wanting to know the proper way to handle this.

"Do I just ignore her and let this end? I think ti will then turn into another 10 years, but might be best for both of us.

We have both discussed are feelings, and they are mutual....both of us still thinks about the other and still loves the other, though that love has changed. So rehashing it all again isn't the solution.

Do I settle for a friendship or is that a bad idea?

Anyone went through something similar?"

I think I like your idea though. Just telling my wife she contacted me might release the guilt I feel. I would like to keep in contact with her. We live 2 hours away, so I don't think I have to worry about doing anything stupid. My thoughts are just a big mess right now.

[o9z]

Vashti, I am not sure that cutting off contact with her is a great idea. But then again, it might be the resolution I am looking for. When we quit talking 9 years ago, I think that is WHY I still think about her. I still had many question that were unanswered. Now that those questions are answered maybe I can accept the fact that we are done. Will cutting off contact put me right back where I was though? Or was this conversation with her possibly the closure I needed? Honestly, I think closure is all I needed.

[anachronistic]

The point of my post was stated in the first post I made. I was asking for advice on how to handle it. And I gave options I thought of. I was wanting to know the proper way to handle this.

"Do I just ignore her and let this end? I think ti will then turn into another 10 years, but might be best for both of us.

We have both discussed are feelings, and they are mutual....both of us still thinks about the other and still loves the other, though that love has changed. So rehashing it all again isn't the solution.

Do I settle for a friendship or is that a bad idea?

Anyone went through something similar?"

I think I like your idea though. Just telling my wife she contacted me might release the guilt I feel. I would like to keep in contact with her. We live 2 hours away, so I don't think I have to worry about doing anything stupid. My thoughts are just a big mess right now.

you don't love your high school sweetheart like you did when you were with her. you love someone *else* that way. sometimes when you meet someone you dated a long time ago, or you see someone that you broke up with, you think you love them, but you really don't. don't you remember feeling the same way before you got married, with other girls?

just think back of some of the happy memories, smile. let them be memories, don't let them destroy your thoughts and all. you both have families, and their your world.

after seeing your replies to my advice, i think you have your head on straight. do what you think is right.

[Jimmy1218]

do what you think is right.

Big mistake.

[o9z]

The feelings I had with my ex I have only ever experienced 2 times...with her and my current wife. Other ex's never touched me the way they did. I think it's safe to say I only truly loved 2 people...my ex and my wife. I also think it's safe to say I never loved my ex the same way I love my wife though. We have made it through 8 years of ups and downs whereas my ex and I only made it through 3. If it didn't work then, there's no way it would work now.

[Jimmy1218]

Yeah, you broke up with the ex cause you guys aren't compatible...

[anachronistic]

If it didn't work then, there's no way it would work now.

that's a very good point, i am glad you realize.

take it easy buddy, let us know how it goes. we like to hear the good things, but if you have other trouble we also love to give advice.

hopefully your wife is not the jealous type (she probably isn't i am assuming)

[Jimmy1218]

ok...now this thread's getting pointless.

[anachronistic]

ok...now this thread's getting pointless.

the only person off-topic here is you jimmy.

stick with the topic! also, incase you haven't noticed, many many threads end up to be pointless conversations.

[Jimmy1218]

okok

o9z, boot your ex's a55 outta your mind and spend your efforts on more important things.