I Feel Like His Buddies, Football, & Computer Games Are More Important Than Me

[celestialxs]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now and things started off great. I never felt so strongly about someone in such a long time and I really felt like I was done searching for "the one." He told me he felt the same way too. We were practically inseparable. Things started to change a few months into our relationship, however.
He slowly started hanging out with his buddies more and more and, although I was almost always invited, it usually involved watching racing or football or BS-ing with the guys. I endured about as much racing and football as I could stand because I wanted to be open-minded and try to like the same things he did, but I don't.
Now, he has 1 night each week completely devoted to playing an RPG computer game online with his buddies from about 6 pm to as late as 2 or 3 in the morning. He goes straight from work into playing that game. And that's okay with me, honestly. I think it's good for people to have a day with just their friends. Besides, it's on a weeknight and, with my boyfriend working 10 hour days, we don't really get to spend much time together during the week anyway.
It's the weekends that I'm hurt over. Ever since football season started, he spends EVERY Sunday at a buddy's place. I don't mind him going over there a Sunday here or there. At this point, I'd even be okay with trading off Sundays. But it's EVERY Sunday. I've told him how important spending weekends together are to me, but he just doesn't seem to get it. I'm LUCKY if he only watches one game on a Sunday.
What's worse is, whenever we do plan time together, one of his friends always seems to call and either ask him to help him with something, or want to hang out with him. And our plans get interrupted EVERY time because my boyfriend won't say no to them.
I'm not a controlling girlfriend, and I'm not a demanding girlfriend. We live together and I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I don't ask him to do any of that. All I've been asking, practically begging, him to do is be considerate of our time together and my feelings.
I've tried to talk to him about it so many times. I've even tried emailing him, to see if reading my thoughts and feelings would work better. All he does is say, "we'll talk about it later," but instead of talking about it when I want to, we always talk about it when it's convenient for him (i.e. NOT a football day, NOT a computer game night).
We rarely hang out with my friends and it seems like, whenever we make plans to, something comes up or he tries to get out of it somehow. Just last weekend, we made plans to hang out with a couple of my friends (who also consider him to be their friend btw), and he leaves for 2 hours to go watch his buddy's band play. He didn't ask me if that would hurt my feelings or bother our friends, he just said he was going to do it. So, I decide I'm going to make my own plans to get my mind off of feeling so hurt and just to hang out with my own friends, and then he gets jealous.
I just don't know what to do. I hate being constantly disappointed because I think we're going to spend some quality time together and he runs "later than expected," or something comes up last minute. I feel hurt, abandoned, and not considered so often. I love him. I don't want to break up, but I don't know how to get through to him.

[Gribble]

Offer him a compromise. He gets his Sundays to watch the game. When the two of you have plans those plans are set in stone. No breaking them off just because a buddy called.

[celestialxs]

I feel like I've tried to make compromises like that with him, but something comes up anyway.
I'll bring it up to him again though. Thanks for the advice, Gribble!

[squirrley]

Ive been there when I was involved with someone younger. You also have to keep in mind that youre relationship is that point of comfortableness. Youve settled into the routine. I personally love Football my husband does not, so he finds other things to do at that time.

It is important for each of you to have individuality. Doing your own things spending time with your friends etc. You sound exactly how I felt like so long ago. Youre still kinda new in the relationship and have the honeymoon phase feelings going for him, but the time shared is not there right now. It will come down to a compromise or lower your expectations for the amount of time you spend. Sounds like twice a week he's out. Thats not unreasonable really. Dont put yourself in situations where youre going to rely on all this time being spent with him, because youre facing already dissapointment. Ask him to set out 2 days a week thats special time for you two. Have date night. My husband and I have been married over a year and we still do that. Its our special time and its fun. Suggest that to him.

[celestialxs]

An OFFICIAL date night is a great idea! Thanks!

We always plan to spend time together, but never really call it a date night. Hopefully, if we start doing that then he won't let his friends interrupt.

Also, I agree. Two nights a week isn't bad, I'd just prefer that they are both weeknights, since I don't really get much time with him during the week anyway on account of him getting home between 7 and 8 pm and me dozing off around 10 pm to get enough sleep for work the next mornnig.

Anyway, thanks SO MUCH for the fantastic idea Squirrley and congrats on making it through the first year of marriage.

[vashti]

Just remember: football season doesn't go year-round. It will all be over soon.

Also, I don't think two days a week to himself is a big deal, even if one of them IS on the weekend. Maybe you need to develop some hobbies of your own? Otherwise, he is going to start thinking of you as a nag, and that is deadly to a relationship.

[squirrley]

Youre quite welcome sweetie! Believe me its fun and worth it!

Our next date night as cheesy as this may sound, I want to do a pottery night. We usually do movies dinner, artsy things, etc. Some nights its activities, and others its more quiet. Also keep in mind in just about 2 months Football is over. (that makes me sad) Thankgoodness sports are seasonal!

[Gigabitch]

Jesus ****. Why am I the first person to say the bitchy stuff?

Cel, you have made some huge mistakes. First of all you NEVER move in with someone you've only been seeing for a few months. Secondly, you NEVER do all of the household chores. Thirdly, you NEVER make your own little world with "the one" to the exclusion of your own friends.

Give him RPG night and football Sunday. He's a dude. If you wanted somebody to spend the entire weekend with you being snuggly, you should have opted for a lesbian.

Try to make your focus on quality, not quantity. Tell him he has to give you Saturday and make it good.

And you have GOT to get him to start doing some stuff around the house, or the grocery shopping, at least. You have no idea what kind of a monster you're creating with your "I'm such a great girlfriend" routine. You want to be a domestic slave? It will be entirely your own fault.

[vashti]

But, giga - don't you think that doing all the cooking, cleaning AND nagging will reinforce the "mommy" thing she's got going on? Maybe he's in to that.

[squirrley]

Thats true Giga! Since Ive moved out, hellooooooooo my hubby is doing most of the shitty household chores. I love it. I did all those oh my gosh look how much I take care of you. That lasted 2 months. Now its do your own laundry! Wipe the water from the floor when you get out of the shower(damn huge pet peeve of mine) PLEASE clean the sink out after you shave. shit I could go on about that stuff.


but now when Im there on the weekends, he pretty much has the daily stuff done. Dog dootie cleaned up, dishes garbage, etc. Its the little things that I do that I cant stand let go. Dusting etc. He says to me "why do you it?" "let it go" Are you kidding me? I hate dust. I hate dog hair in the corners. HIRE ME A MAID!

[Gigabitch]

But, giga - don't you think that doing all the cooking, cleaning AND nagging will reinforce the "mommy" thing she's got going on? Maybe he's in to that.

Then maybe she should ground him from playing with his friends until he has more gold stars on the Chores Chart.

[celestialxs]

Just remember: football season doesn't go year-round. It will all be over soon.

Also, I don't think two days a week to himself is a big deal, even if one of them IS on the weekend. Maybe you need to develop some hobbies of your own? Otherwise, he is going to start thinking of you as a nag, and that is deadly to a relationship.

I understand what you're saying. I do have hobbies & friends of my own, but he always seems to get jealous when I hang out with them. Also, the only reason the weekend is so important is because we only really see each other 2, maybe 3, hours in the evening weekdays.
I am considering, however, spending more time with my friends anyway. Thanks for your thoughts vashti. I really appreciate it.

[celestialxs]

Jesus ****. Why am I the first person to say the bitchy stuff?

Cel, you have made some huge mistakes. First of all you NEVER move in with someone you've only been seeing for a few months. Secondly, you NEVER do all of the household chores. Thirdly, you NEVER make your own little world with "the one" to the exclusion of your own friends.

Give him RPG night and football Sunday. He's a dude. If you wanted somebody to spend the entire weekend with you being snuggly, you should have opted for a lesbian.

Try to make your focus on quality, not quantity. Tell him he has to give you Saturday and make it good.

And you have GOT to get him to start doing some stuff around the house, or the grocery shopping, at least. You have no idea what kind of a monster you're creating with your "I'm such a great girlfriend" routine. You want to be a domestic slave? It will be entirely your own fault.

Giga, I don't think your opinion sounds bitchy at all. I'd probably have much of the same viewpoint reading from an outsider's perspective. Okay, so I left some info out.
So, first off, I've been friends with my guy for 7 years. That's why we felt comfortable moving in with each other only after a few months.
Secondly, you're right. I've excluded time I could have spent with my friends in hopes to spend time with him. That's true. As forementioned, I'm going to be spending more time with my friends to help balance things out and make me feel better. It will be a slight challege, since most of my friends are couples as well, so I'll have the 3rd wheel thing going on from time to time, but I'm sure it won't always be that way.
I really like your idea about me getting EVERY Saturday with him, however, I HAVE tried to arrange that with little success thus far. It's still a work in progess.
As far as doing stuff around the house goes...to tell you the truth, he pays the vast majority of the bills and gives me a killer deal on rent so I don't mind doing most of the cleaning really. He's not very messy anyway. I DO mind the cooking part though because I put a lot of thought into what I think he might like. He always thanks me, but sometimes words aren't enough for me. Maybe I'm just a baby, I don't know.
You definitely bring up very good points and they are things I intend on thinking a lot about. Thanks for your input Giga.

[celestialxs]

Then maybe she should ground him from playing with his friends until he has more gold stars on the Chores Chart.

LOL! Cute. Real cute.
You're both right. I do baby him. I think I'm ready for more "me time."

[Mathias]

Why do people insist on getting this serious this quickly?