Need some advice, got semi dumped...

[yelenaa]

Hi everybody,
thanks for taking some time to read this.
Basically, tonight was somewhat of an end to this month long story that kinda just dragged away.

I met this one guy over a month ago at a friend's get together. He immediately started pursuing me and was very interested. I found him relatively nice and cute, but he is shorter than me and definitely an opposite, regardless I gave him a chance. He called me every day, several times, we would talk for hours, he was really into it all, eventually we started getting intimate and so on.

The problems started from the beginning because our "relationship" wasn't really defined. We never went on a date, we just kinda breezed through events with friends and he would come over and such. Now, I immediately explained I was not looking for a **** buddy situation and he just came out of a 5 year long relationship in October, so he was saying he was not looking for a relationship, or at least not right away. I immediately explained that then we can't be intimate and it stopped. He still called every day, and was interested in my life and whatnot. If it was just a **** buddy situation why the hell would he call so much, that was my biggest problem of the situation. It was complete confusion fest.

So anyways, once again, intimacy started again, since we are clearly attracted to each other, and once again he was falling short on actual effort on making this thing work beyond the phone and just hang outs with the crew. Everybody knew about us, everybody treated us like a couple, he treated me like I was his girlfriend in his communication, but he just couldn't get himself to talk about what we are or what we are going to be.

Of course, I started asking questions because he doesnt have a lot of free time. Well he chooses not to have a lot of free time, and I believe if u want to be with someone u make time. So I asked him if he will ever have 4 hours at least one day a week for me...and he said he didn't know. That pissed me off and that's where slowly things started falling apart. Take in mind we had many many talks about where we stand and how he doesn't take any effort. Once my friend even brought it up to him how I cried one time (i really didn't but we wanted to see if he would react to it if he heard i did cry- two can play the game) and he ended up being "more honest" (at least i thought he was) and was saying things how he cares and all that other junk that i believed (stupid me). He didn't want me to be mad and was extremely wordy when it came to saying how I got under his skin. And once again, when he was asked in what way does he want me (he said he wanted to be with me), he couldn't get himself to say, I want you to be my girlfriend or anything like that....

Oh and remember how when I told him we can just be friends and when we stopped the intimacy, well he wouldn't stop bringing up the FRIEND word all the time in every sentence, emphasizing on it as if he didn't like that we are JUST friends. he would say stuff like, how r u doing FRIEND, are you ok FRIEND, did u sleep well my FRIEND? i hope you guys can visualize that emphasis.

anyways, after that one semi fight breakdown where he couldn't define us once again it all kinda went downhill in like 2 days, even though it was the first time he said that he cared. so yea, couple of days after that there was a get together at my place, i was cold because we had that discussion about time, how he doesnt have enough time, and i cant be on hour and a half basis from time to time in a week, and have our whole relationship on the phone. After we all went to a club where he semi ignored me, even though he was always there, bought me drinks and communicated but kept his distance due to the fact i was a bitch prior to the club. But i had my reasons, which he knew of and wasn't really addressing them. Well anyways, on my way out (i left early) i tried to find him and he was no where to be found. so i texted him that i am leaving, and suddenly i see him he went out for something, and on a way back he barely spoke couple of words and waved at me....he ****ing waved at me...i flipped the hell out and texted him how he couldnt even say bye properly and i must be stupid as hell to believe i could find someone who cares about me and shows it... well. he didnt respond.

now 2 days he didnt call. he always calls take in mind. so 3 days (the one he didnt call about the time thing we kinda went over and he asked me at the party why i didnt call) he didnt call, and neither have I.

And he freakin calls today asking me why I didn't call. i explain how he dissed me and didnt respond to my msg, he was once again evading the topic and since i was with a friend (she was getting lasik) he said he would call tonight. and he didnt so before i went to bed i texted him to tell him if he was planning to call now is the time because i am bout to crash.
once again we had a conversation which was just bullshit.

i basically put all my cards up front. i told him exactly what i wanted and why i believe he doesnt want a relationship with me. and this is what he said: I didn't say I don't want a relationship with you, I just don't have the time. He was extremely cold for his usual self, seemed disinterested, but he was tired so he said. He also proceeded to say how he wont call me anymore since I bring up him calling me so much as a problem (it is a problem if I don't know wtf we r and i don't want to be with him for months for him only to dump me under explanation oh we were just **** buddies, u know?). and he just seemed like he will get over it so fast, he said it will feel bad but it will pass and he will be ok again...like WTF??? another thing he said when i asked him to honestly tell me what in the world did he expect when we started our "thing", he said he wasn't thinking really about it, as in he wasnt worried what it was going to be or become...

I just felt more crushed by the fact that someone who 4 days prior said that they cared could so easily act like they dont care if they dont speak to me anymore, or like it wont bother them...I would rather him tell me he didnt want to be with me, then him saying he wants to be with me and keep calling me and then not do any effort outside the phone and when we are in private and i told him that.i gave him a free pass to tell me that because i wouldnt get mad.i would just freakin move on and be ok...like dude, we r friends, relax etc...but dont act like u want me completely but then dont come through and then call asking me why I dont call...

anyways, i ended up being silent and he said he had to go to sleep because he gets up early...i just felt so pissed i immediately texted him 2 msgs about how i cant believe he would so easily leave the situation and not even attempt to make time for me in his day....
and he didnt respond... dunno if he crashed, or if he just ignored them

anyways. i really do want to move away from this, but unfortunately my emotions got tangled in, so yea...i am f-ed.

what to do now?


thanx guys

[lastwish]

He isn't ready for a relationship while you want one. You two aren't compatible. He just want to go with the flow and doesn't feel that he needs to clearly define the relationship while you on the other hand want security. I recommend that you don't get too caught up in him anymore to avoid future pain.

[yelenaa]

He isn't ready for a relationship while you want one. You two aren't compatible. He just want to go with the flow and doesn't feel that he needs to clearly define the relationship while you on the other hand want security. I recommend that you don't get too caught up in him anymore to avoid future pain.

I agree with that and I understand that. i just dont get people who get into something while not thinking that the other person might expect whats let's say common to expect...
like...why bother when u r not that into it to make it official. and when i would say that, he would say he is into it but this or that excuse...
like.dude..u r just not that into me....stop f-ing callin me coz its messing me up. lol

[GrkScorp]

he just came out of a 5 year long relationship in October, so he was saying he was not looking for a relationship, or at least not right away. I immediately explained that then we can't be intimate and it stopped. He still called every day, and was interested in my life and whatnot. If it was just a **** buddy situation why the hell would he call so much.

Girls are dumb.. throw rocks at them.. anyway.. After 5 years of having sex, and after a couple of months of missing that sex.. he found someone he wanted to have sex with.. that person was you.. in case you missed that.. your words flew over his head.. in one ear.. out the other.. and he continued to call you.. because he just wanted sex.. So, BECAUSE it was just a **** buddy situation.. that's why he called you so much.. I know, it's hard to pull away from your point of view.. but in male-land.. that's what happened.. If you believed otherwise.. did you bother asking yourself.. "Why would he want to be with me exactly? Why? Besides the sex.. what other reason?"

Once my friend even brought it up to him how I cried one time (i really didn't but we wanted to see if he would react to it if he heard i did cry- two can play the game) and he ended up being "more honest" (at least i thought he was) and was saying things how he cares and all that other junk that i believed (stupid me).

Congrats.. I hope you've learned your lesson, on how retarded and pointless girly-games are.. they get you nowhere.. and do nothing.. You and your friend thought you were being smart by trying to pull a fast one.. painted this drama situation.. and he just fed into it.. told you what you wanted to hear so you could feel better.. Now that you think about it.. again.. you hopefully realize exactly how dumb and pointless this was on your part.. (not to mention.. guys don't like drama-wh0res.. they hate girls that pack drama.. good job in killing any attraction or potential interest he may have had in you)

Oh and remember how when I told him we can just be friends and when we stopped the intimacy, well he wouldn't stop bringing up the FRIEND word all the time in every sentence, emphasising on it as if he didn't like that we are JUST friends. he would say stuff like, how r u doing FRIEND, are you ok FRIEND, did u sleep well my FRIEND? i hope you guys can visualize that emphasis.

Again, that's just him missing the sex.. wow.. you sure know how to pick em'.. Feeling hostile towards you for taking away the sex.. pathetic on his part.. Obviously.. this got him nowhere.. it means nothing.. don't pay any attention to it.. because zero thought went into it..

After we all went to a club where he semi ignored me, even though he was always there, bought me drinks and communicated but kept his distance due to the fact i was a bitch prior to the club. But i had my reasons, which he knew of and wasn't really addressing them.

Yeah.. do you know why? Because he doesn't care.. he honestly could care less.. Again, drama gets you NOWHERE.. and you've seen that over, and over, and over, and over..., and over..., again.. So he wasn't about to address them.. because he could care less.. he was just waiting for you to get over them.. and if not.. he was just going to look elsewhere for either (1) sex, (2) a relationship with someone who packs less drama, or (3) Both 1 & 2.. It's really that simple.. No need to make it more complicated than what it really is.. That's all that's going on.. And you pretty much messed up.. and are messing up as you're reading this by holding & putting up this long face and "i'm ignoring you, not talking to you, i'm angry at you" attitude.. coupled with your burning desire to make him want to say "sorry" for everything that happened.. because "it's all his fault".. And that's right! You guessed it! Where's that going to take you?

Nowhere..

Best,

GrkScorp

[yelenaa]

The problem with the situation is that it's hard to portray our complete interaction. I know on paper it looks much more clear, but in real life trust me it's not.
The whole "crying thing" wasn't really something to "get him going" but he was the one who called 7 times that day after hearing that, which was such a pointless stunt by my friend, but in all honesty if he didn't give a shit why the hell would he even bother...he wasn't getting sex from me. And eventually after I wanted to have sex he was more into talking, hanging out and making out instead of just having sex and then going to work. It wasn't as clear of a **** buddy situation as it may seem on paper.Another problem is that we hang out with the same crowd and his friends treat me as his girlfriend so that also blurred the lines of what we are making it more difficult for me to really understand what's going on.Especially since I moved from NYC to Croatia Europe where relationship interactions are oh so much more different, so lot of shit left me paranoid due to crazy ny men, while in croatia people are more traditional and get into relationships relatively fast.
And the relationship thing didn't flew over my head. It was present and I was aware of it, as well as he was aware of what I wasn't looking for which was **** buddy situation, so it wasn't something I just ignored. I used that in my arguments about the situation since I told him from the start if he is not into it as much why just bother with it? Also he knew I got raped when I was 19 and how much of an imprint it left on me especially regarding dealing with men and sex so it wasn't something that one would get into just like that. Most of them would just bounce after hearing that.

I know I played this as much as he did, it's just one of those messy situations in my mind, just because I never had a **** buddy who would have such an emotional tie to a person, as in - interest in their day/life/problems/sadness/happiness, the way they act towards you around friends and so on...I pretty much always knew - ok he is this and this, or he is this and that. With this one, other than him saying once in our whole communication that he wasn't sure about getting into a relationship right away and me telling him, ok then we need to be friends because I was under a different impression, I wouldn't have much to go on. Because with lot of things he was on point, it was just that some effort was lacking, but the enviroment we ended up being "built" in, created bunch of confusion.

That being said,
I am pretty sure he will call, and at this point it's one of those shitty situations where there is a whole crew of friends and I can't just ask them to exclude him... Today I feel better so I am more open for just running with it, calming the situation down and being friends, but it's just one of those thing where you got to ask yourself, is he gonna take it the wrong way as in, is he gonna think I want to be with him....

thanx for ur previous responses.

[misombra]

i agree with gskorp.

he's using you for sex. he tells you everything you need to hear so you'll have sex with him. unfortunately that sex is not going to get you to what you want. it'll only take you farther from what you want, but closer to what he wants.

which is a f^uck buddy.

after getting out of a long term relationship like that people don't want to do it again right away. pressuring them will only drive them away more.

if you want an exclusive relationship with somebody, then find somebody who is willing to give you what you want.

[yelenaa]

but he is not getting sex though?
today once again he contacted me...what's the point when he is not getting any and I made it clear he won't be...
people r just weird

[FoxyLaydee]

but he is not getting sex though?
today once again he contacted me...what's the point when he is not getting any and I made it clear he won't be...
people r just weird

In his head, given time - you will give in.. or might give in.

Yelenaa dear, you might wanna use paragraphs when you post.

[misombra]

he's keeping you on the line. or as they sometimes say, keeping you in the parking lot.

he doesn't want you to go anywhere. but he doesn't want you around all the time either.

[GrkScorp]

if he didn't give a shit why the hell would he even bother...he wasn't getting sex from me. And eventually after I wanted to have sex he was more into talking, hanging out and making out instead of just having sex and then going to work.

This sounds like something Eastern European, this would never happen in NYC.. That's usually how it goes.. Ask yourself this.. "How do girls express affection to a guy? Interesting.. and how do we expect a guy to express affection to us? Interesting..".. now, with that similarity in mind.. ask yourself.. "How do guys express affection? No, not how do we want guys to express affection, but how do they, on their own, express affection? Interesting.. wait, what does that exactly say about sex then? Fcuk! And all this time I thought for guys it was "just sex"?"

Especially since I moved from NYC to Croatia Europe where relationship interactions are oh so much more different, so lot of shit left me paranoid due to crazy ny men, while in croatia people are more traditional and get into relationships relatively fast.

Crazy NY men.. I'm just.. i'm just not going to even bother with that one.. (I'm from NYC btw).. I don't know about Croatia.. but in Greece, especially during the Summer, you walk into a cafe'/lounge by the beach.. you see someone you like.. you walk up to them.. smile.. introduce yourself and start talking.. mucho kino leads very quickly to grabbing eachother's breasts, butt, and "other".. and you make your way outside, to the beach.. where it's dark.. you have about 80 other couples doing the same thing.. sets up the vibe that this is the norm.. you reach into your pocket and pray you have 1 euro to feed the condom dispensers on the beach.. and do what you have to do.. When you're done.. you go wash up in the showers.. if you like her.. you go back out.. to find her.. if she's also there.. you get eachother's number.. and you just found a new bf/gf.. no need for games.. no need for drama.. just open and honest.. at least that's how it's seen in Greece, in other parts of the world.. you might get a different reaction to this.. But these are the open and honest feelings and urges of people, and in Europe, there's no holding back.. there's just giving in.. in NYC, it's all holding back and game-playing.. people are up-tight.. they're "proper" with "class".. as if to imply that everyone else isn't.. so women want to "get to know you" for 3-6 months before you start a relationship.. and men who have a very "metro" and "semi-gay" idea of what it means to be a gentleman.. interesting dynamic, if you allow it to be your dynamic..

Also he knew I got raped when I was 19 and how much of an imprint it left on me especially regarding dealing with men and sex so it wasn't something that one would get into just like that. Most of them would just bounce after hearing that.

I can't even begin to imagine.. I guess the only thing I can say is that i'm sorry that happened.. and I don't understand why some guys would bounce after hearing that.. (but then again, where sex is plentiful.. and guys are practical.. there's no reason to waste a second more on you.. where they could get what they want in less time, with less effort).. So that's perhaps why you're getting that from other guys there in Croatia.. People are open, so if they want to have sex (not to imply it's the ONLY thing they JUST want.. just that they want it).. they're going to have a thousand outlets they can get it from.. So when they hear that.. that to them is just needless drama someone else can worry about.. they don't want to bother with it.. they don't want to waste their time with it.. so they move along.. But to be fair, there are also guys like him, who would stick around.. I'm not going to lie, it's not exactly great news on your part.. No guy wants to hear that he may have to deal with the aftermath of how you feel about sex and men as a result of some loser's actions in the past.. So while you may feel the urge to just be honest and open about your past and history.. because you don't want to feel like your hiding anything.. You can still express it openly.. but elaborate on it a little bit more.. How "at first" "it was hard" to feel completely comfortable around men and towards sex.. (implying that this isn't something that's set in stone, and it's something that's getting better, and more importantly.. you're not sounding like someone he would want to automatically say "no" to and not bother dealing with).. no, not because he would be insensitive and say "no".. he's not a psychologist.. he's a man.. with needs and wants of his own.. and his own cost/benefit analysis.. and if you "cost" too much.. let someone else bother with you.. that's the male analysis in a nut-shell.. "cost" is not attractive.. on a forum with no females to impose some moral/ethics judgement.. where guys could give you their open opinion.. any guy would tell you that there was a moment "at least" a moment in his life, where he found out that a girl was "easy, a wh0re, a slut, etc" and felt more attracted to her.. "lower cost" it's that simple..

I know I played this as much as he did, it's just one of those messy situations in my mind, just because I never had a **** buddy who would have such an emotional tie to a person, as in - interest in their day/life/problems/sadness/happiness, the way they act towards you around friends and so on..

There's a term for that.. "casual dating".. (not just friends, not in a relationship, but not seeing other people either).. just dating casually.. and for as long as it's mutually beneficial.. and both people are happy, it can work out.. it can even develop into a relationship.. But that's not what ended up happening here.. Better luck in the future though..

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

he's keeping you on the line. or as they sometimes say, keeping you in the parking lot.

he doesn't want you to go anywhere. but he doesn't want you around all the time either.

I don't think this guy is "pocketing a lay".. He was attracted to her, after he got to know her, he started to like her and sympathize with her.. Maybe he cared for her, or maybe it's a new style of gameplaying to call 7+ times in a day.. who knows..

But facts about her and her history started to be less overlooked.. he started to realize the reality.. that this was most likely a situation with not only no sex.. but also the possibility of her feeling very negative towards men (that would be him) and sex in general.. He started to reconsider the facts a little bit.. and the way Yelena presented them, didn't sound too appealing.. so his interest in her took a serious hit..

Maybe he's still trying to determine if this is how she will be in the long-run, or if she's improving, if she feels she's getting better, if it's something temporary and something they can make progress with.. He is basically trying to find if it's something he's going to have to deal with by being in a relationship with her, or something that he can help her get over.. If he can't find a good answer to those questions.. soon.. then it's game over.. It could be that he's still looking for answers and clues.. OR.. it could be that he has already been satisfied with the information he already has.. and based on that, wouldn't be interested in taking things further.. so it's only a matter of time until Yelena finds out that he's no longer pushing.. but is just being polite.. It could be either one.. not enough info to tell for sure..

[Gigabitch]

If you don't want to have a **** buddy, you should cut ties with this guy, because that's exactly what he is. He told you in plain English that he isn't available for anything more than that and you still "gave him a chance". You know what you gave him? Some easy sex, that's what.

Look, I don't want to sound like Dr. Laura (**** her, the tired old thing), but really, if you don't respect yourself, you can't expect anyone else to, and you agreed to a really shitty deal with this guy.

You are his rebound relationship. Get out of this before it gets worse.

[yelenaa]

OR.. it could be that he has already been satisfied with the information he already has.. and based on that, wouldn't be interested in taking things further.. so it's only a matter of time until Yelena finds out that he's no longer pushing.. but is just being polite.. It could be either one.. not enough info to tell for sure..

And he called AGAIN today....

It is freakin redic.

[GrkScorp]

And he called AGAIN today....

It is freakin redic.

Well, then he's a loser who's just looking for whatever he can get.. and doesn't even know how to start going about getting it..

(**** him, not litterally.. just don't bother with him)

Best,

GrkScorp

[yelenaa]

not really bothered at this point...more amused