Falling in love..

[Cloe]

Had a crush on this guy whom I met recently.. he's 8 years younger than me in his mid 20s.. its quite absurd but juz couldn't control my feelings for him. we are mutual friends all along. should i confess to him my feelings? afraid of losing him even as a friend.. but then i'll juz keep wondering.. and how do i go about telling him? hope someone out there can give their views.. Tks much

[clearskies]

its just a crush darling, try to stay away from him.. u r empty from inside & that made u feel u like this kid..it will never end well i u continued. Please, never talk to him about it else he will start playing games OR escape u ...

[GrkScorp]

Had a crush on this guy whom I met recently.. he's 8 years younger than me in his mid 20s.. its quite absurd but juz couldn't control my feelings for him.

Where are you writing from?

What has caused you to develop feelings for him? What are these feelings? Can you remember what moments you started to feel them? Do you really believe that you are honestly and genuinely in love with him? It's possible.., and it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks.., what do "you" think?

Best,

GrkScorp

[Nolandanicerguy]

This is a difficult situation on your part... but it is always best to tell your feelings... But one thing.

If he says no, you must have a plan. If he says no, will you try to strive and try to stop loving him, or try, so that you may love another? This way, you can look at how ridiculous it is that you love this person... But that is if he doesnt love you.

Some men are attracted to younger women. If he is one of those few, and you are lucky, you may get a yes! And when and if he says yes, suddenly you will see that this is not ridiculous at all. It is completely natural, becuase love is... I would not say random. It chooses the closest to what you believe to be like you, unconsciously. There is scientific evidence!

[Cain]

This is a difficult situation on your part... but it is always best to tell your feelings... But one thing.

If he says no, you must have a plan. If he says no, will you try to strive and try to stop loving him, or try, so that you may love another? This way, you can look at how ridiculous it is that you love this person... But that is if he doesnt love you.

Some men are attracted to younger women. If he is one of those few, and you are lucky, you may get a yes! And when and if he says yes, suddenly you will see that this is not ridiculous at all. It is completely natural, becuase love is... I would not say random. It chooses the closest to what you believe to be like you, unconsciously. There is scientific evidence!

Though a lot of men like younger women, she's not younger. She's eight years older.

Most men don't like older women.

[GrkScorp]

Most men don't like older women.

That's true.., but that just has to do with the way they look.., the 18-22 y/o body.., firm skin.., toned.., not a single wrinkle.., stretch mark.., cellulite.., blah blah blah.., plus all the young skimpy & sexy outfits go on younger women.., not so much on older women..

But looks aside.., I don't just like older women.., I LOVE older women..

Sure.., they're not as "hot".., but so what? Seriously..

Beyond being more mentally mature.., intelligent.., honest.., and emotionally stable.., they are more grounded and realistic (less in la-la land) than an 18-26 y/o girl.., that makes them easy to talk to.., and easy to be in a relationship with.., less pointless and meaningless drama.., fewer urges to get attention or feel good about herself.., less insecurity "if you love her.., if you care.., how much she matters to you" this is all stuff she can tell and take your word on without having to constantly cause drama and throw in relationship-compromising tests.., she finally has a better idea of what she wants in a man (as opposed to dreaming or having unrealistically high expectations or standards so that she can feel special or good about herself)..

I'm not going to say "older" (because age is after all.., just a number you get.., from taking today's date.., and subtracting it from the day you were born.., that holds no real meaning about the person).., yes.., there are things that "usually" follow with age.., but "age".., in and of itself.., is at best.., a fuzzy indicator of the quality of this person..

"Mature" women.., are simply emotionally stable.., secure with themselves.., confident.., content.., and have done away with any immature dreams or fantasies.., or any childish inhibitions or limiting beliefs.., they are generally.., more open.., honest.., genuine.., and trustworthy.. So it's easier to form a powerful emotionally intimate relationship with them.., they really can be (if not your best friend) a really good and close friend..

The communication appeal they have to men.., is speaking in the same mode (relative to younger women).., more mature women have no issue just saying what they want to say.., "this is what I feel.., I just wanted you to know.., didn't feel it necessary to keep it bottled up for 3 months down the road".., and so.., there's more fluid communication between the two..

Better communication.., less drama.., more mature.., leads to better understanding.., a deeper connection.., a more powerful chemistry.., you can easily start to feel that this person is "the one".., where have they been your whole life? What a shame you're not older or younger so that things wouldn't be awkward and that people wouldn't find it a little "off".., but this powerful comfort not just me as a younger guy feels.., but also the more mature woman feels.., sets up the vibe for amazing sex..

That's it.., once that happens.., older women leave you.., they may call you some months down the road.., but all they're after is the sex.., it's very very VERY rare.., that you find a woman.., who genuinely cares about the younger guy.., so much so.., to come online and make a post about it..

I'll be honest.., as a younger guy.., here's the serious (and only) drawback to an older woman:

"I'm not yet financially ready to have a family (children).., but I do want to have children with the person I love.., is it still possible and reasonably likely to be financially ready to have children with this woman before she hits 33-35?"

Let me put myself in your situation and see if you're setting yourself up for heartache..

I'm 23.., so let's say my ophthalmologist is 8 years older.., that would make her 31.., (btw.., if you're my ophthalmologist.., hi.., welcome to the forum.., this is awkward.., i'm crazy about you too.., but I promised myself that I wouldn't take things any further.., because i'm really not ready.., I hope you don't put acid in my eyes next time I come over).., that means.., that I now have to see.., if this is even a relationship that's worth going into..

"If I go into this relationship.., is this someone that I would never marry? If I wouldn't marry her.., why would I date her? If she hasn't disqualified as someone I would marry.., then how realistic is it that we could make it work out in the long run? If it's not realistic.., why would I date her?"

(If she fails the qualify for that statement.., then I simply can't date her.., because dating her.., would make me feel guilty.., knowing that i'm dating someone I either have no intention of marrying.., or my intention of marrying her isn't realistic)

Well.., let's see.., 23.., +1 more year of school.., +3 more years of working at a firm until I burn out.., +2 more years at minimum of setting up a private practice and getting it running.., and +2 years to feel financially stable and secure enough to even think about getting married or start a family.., so that's +7 years to our age.., which would make me 30.., and her.., 38! That's already slightly old to be having children.., plus.., I want to spend at least a year (hopefully two) with my wife.., before we have kids.., that would mean that she would be 40..

So.., she could be a really great individual.., and someone that.., without a question in my mind.., I would want to marry and spend the rest of my life with.., and want to have children together with.., be proud to call her my wife and the mother of our children.., but all of that.., is unrealistic.., and since it's unrealistic.., it's a dream.., a fantasy.., not a reality! Sure.., if I wouldn't feel guilty about it.., we could be dating.., having sex.., having a great time.., and running the risk of getting emotionally invested.., and possibly do something stupid.., but beyond being a risk I don't want to take.., the "guilt" is enough to hold me back from doing something like that.., I don't want to think of myself as someone who dates women he has already disqualified as his wife or has unrealistic intentions of marrying..

So.., think this one through.., if you start a relationship with this guy.., does it even have a realistic future of being anything more? If you don't really care about that.., that's a totally different story.., but if that's important to you.., consider it.., and if you still want to go ahead.., before you do.., ASK him how HE feels..

(So let's say you're my ophthalmologist.., and i'm the guy you're talking about.., if you came up to me and told me how you felt.., I would appreciate it.., and tell you that I feel the same way.., but one of the first things I would want to know.., is how old you are.., and if I felt that you were too old.., I would find a nice way to tell you that.., "because I respect you & myself".., we can't date.., but let's say that I didn't say that.., and instead.., YOU brought up the issue.., "GrkScorp.., I know this is a little forward.., and I know it's not exactly something you should ever talk about to a guy.., or ask him.., unless you want him to run for the hills.., but I have to ask.., but I don't want you to feel pressured.., and if you don't want to talk about it.., that's ok.., I understand it's a personal question.., but.., i'm X years old.., and I don't see myself getting married for WAY down the line.., marriage is definitely something that's VERY far away.., but it is something that's important to me.., and I just wanted to know.., that IF things get serious between the two of us.., if my age would be a problem for you.., before you answer.., really think about it.., you don't have to answer like right now.., I'm asking because I want a meaningful and honest answer.., not a quick and "what you want to hear" answer.., i'd actually appreciate it if you gave it some serious thought.., even if the answer was "yes your age would be a problem".., I would appreciate that" I would think about it.., and if the numbers REALLY didn't make sense.., if it was just totally unrealistic.., then I would tell you..)

As far as the "possibility" of him being interested in an older woman.., believe me.., it's more than a "possibility".., if he has feelings for you.., he's probably thought a million times how things would be better if he was older.. (more financially secure.., and ready for marriage)

Just think about it.., give it some serious thought first.., before you talk to him about anything..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Cain]

Yeah, but you're old too, Grk. As you get older, your taste in women changes. I was attracted to 14 year old girls when I was that age. Not anymore. Right now I'm attracted to girls my age. I'm sure when I'm 40 I'll be attracted to women around that age as well.

But as it stands, I'm 22 and would never date a 30 year old.

[GrkScorp]

Yeah, but you're old too, Grk. As you get older, your taste in women changes.

But as it stands, I'm 22 and would never date a 30 year old.

Yeah.., a year older.., I guess that means I should stop throwing away all those Social Security statements that come in the mail..

I agree.., as you get older.., your tastes in women change.., everything changes.., but i've always loved older women..

I'm 23.., I've developed very strong feelings for women who were 34.., but realistically.., I would never date someone older than 29.., 6 years apart.., that's my limit.., me being 30 and her being 36.., I know I wouldn't be realistically able to handle a bigger gap..

[Cain]

Yeah.., a year older.., I guess that means I should stop throwing away all those Social Security statements that come in the mail..

I've always loved older women.., I agree.., as you get older.., your tastes in women change.., everything changes.., but i've always loved older women..

I'm 23.., I've developed very strong feelings for women who were 34.., but realistically.., I would never date someone older than 29.., 6 years apart.., that's my limit.., me being 30 and her being 36.., I know I wouldn't be realistically able to handle a bigger gap..

23? Hell, I thought you were older.

[Cloe]

hmm.. been asking myself this question "is this really love" or juz a crush? well.. wat i can say for sure is that i really like this guy. he's mature, kind-hearted and well-mannered - the things that attracts me to him. And above all, his positive mindset juz captivates me.. surrounded by a world of negativity. met him thru a community-service programme. i guess it was love at first sight, he's v tall and stands out easily.
Well, judging by the replies, i reckon its better to continue as mutual friends.. my mind tells me nothing good will come out of it even if i tell him.. but then my heart says the opposite.. there's so many guys out there, why do i juz like this guy and not another guy? i dun know about u guys out there, but its not easy to find someone u really like. been bothering me day and long.. guess i am not ready for the likely response.. seems like the most sensible thing to do is to move on.

[Cain]

Your first mistake is thinking that love at first sight exists.

[GrkScorp]

there's so many guys out there, why do i juz like this guy and not another guy? i dun know about u guys out there, but its not easy to find someone u really like.

Say no more Cloe..



Dilemma:

- It's not easy to find someone you really like among all the people out there..
- There are so many guys out there.., why do I just like him and not someone else?

Those two statements are like two cars.., going 120mph.., with no intention of breaking.., and ramming right into each other..

You can't hold both of those statements as your personal beliefs.., they're simply inconsistent with each other..

The first one: "It's not easy to find someone you really like among all the people out there".., comes from the "ego".., everyone hears ego and takes it as an insult.., it's not.., think of your ego like your nose.., everyone has one.., it's there.., and it motivates you.., in the right direction.., it has a purpose.., and that purpose.., is to find you someone of a similar quality.., to partner up with..

Hence.., "standards".., being "selective".., being "picky".., not happy with just "anyone" or "anything you can get".., it's this part of you that prevents you from dating ugly insensitive 300lbs. unemployed lazy couch potatoes.., (unless you are roughly of the same quality.., then these partners are actually options)..

It prevents you from being "desperate".., and being paired with someone unequal in quality.., but the opposite can also take place Cleo.., the ego can be allowed to run wild.., into the world of dreams and fantasies.., and get a little bit full of itself.., it's not easy for someone to say.., "i'm of a certain quality.., and those partners are of the same quality".., it's very easy to have the ego slip and fall into the world of.., "i'm great.., the best.., anyone would be lucky to have me.., and I deserve the best.., i'm so great.., I don't deserve anything less than perfect.., so you better believe I demand perfect.., because as I demand partners who are of a better quality.., I myself.., feel that i'm of a better quality"

The result of that.., is loneliness.., being single.., or being left unsatisfied.., you become a prisoner to your own ego.., unable to enjoy people (this is not just for women.., but for any guys reading this too) who are of a similar quality to you and who can satisfy you.., but instead.., you don't allow yourself to feel satisfied.., because you derive more pleasure from your ego.., it makes you feel better about yourself when you're "single because your standards are too high and you can't find anyone good enough for you yet".., rather than be satisfied with someone who in reality is perfectly good enough for you..

When that happens.., you end up with "there are so many guys out there.., why just him?".., what that amounts to.., is you "wanting" to be able to like more men.., and feeling slightly frustrated or even trapped and limited.., for only being able to like just him.., out of all the other men out there..

I'll be honest with you Cleo.., i'm a guy.., so "money.., occupation.., income potential.., wealth.., etc" doesn't begin to factor in.., and it doesn't look like it's a big factor for you either.., that's good.., but in terms of "attractiveness".., i've dated women who were very attractive.., and i've dated women who were not so attractive.., (really.., women I would look at and think to myself.., "there is no way.., in a million years.., I would ever date someone like that".., and yet we dated).., and not just dated.., but had a wonderful relationship together..

The women who you would first think "are of a higher quality".., "it would be great to be able to date someone like that".., turn out to be a waste of time.., I can honestly say.., that the women who you look at and first think.., "there's no way i'd ever date someone like that".., are the women i've had the most satisfying relationships with.., They're not ugly.., but they're not models either.., they're in between.., and that's ok.., all that really matters.., seriously.., is the quality of the person.. (same for men)

So.., if there's that cute guy who's been writing to you on the online forum you go to.., I say go for it.., take your chances.., see what happens..

No.., but seriously.., it's definitely something you should think about.., because those two beliefs.., those two statements.., can exist together.., one is a belief.., one is the result of sticking to that belief.., and if the result of sticking to that belief is bothering you.., you need to find a way.., to change that belief.., into something you're comfortable with.., and into something that allows you to feel satisfaction you're happy with.., and it doesn't have to be right now.., or today.., or even by the end of this week.., take as much time as you feel you need to take before you make that change now.., and only go ahead and make those changes Cleo.., only as fast as you're comfortable with the satisfaction they're going to allow you to enjoy..

Best,

GrkScorp