my bf's parents want him to date a fit girl

[curvygirl]

A short while ago, my new boyfriend (who has been honest with me from the very beginning about everything) told me his parents would not be happy to see that he is dating a girl who is, in his words, "extra curvy". He said they would complain. So much so, that I will not be meeting them in three weeks when they visit. (Coincidentally I'll be out of town anyway, and it has only been 2 months, which we agreed is too soon to meet the folks). He said I would meet them next year when they visit again. This goes along with his expectation that I will lose some weight by then.

I told him that I want to lose weight. And I do, desperately. I'm 5'10" and a size 24/26. I very much would like to be at the most a size 20, preferably 16/18.

He's being very supportive, but also a bit blunt about it. I told him that I'm aware of my chubbiness and don't need constant reminding. He's also being realistic. He knows it takes years to (healthily) lose as much weight as I want to, because he himself lost some weight since his teens. (He's 6'1" and about 190lbs which is perfect if you ask me).

Thankfully this doesn't hurt us in the love/sex department. He likes curvy girls, I'm just starting to wonder where he draws the line between curvy and "extra curvy".

I'm also wondering how someone can let their parents have such a big influence over their partner's appearance. Perhaps it is a childhood influence from them?

I don't know... I'm just really bothered by the fact that he cares that much what they think. He also doesn't seem to grasp the fact that he has an amazingly small stomach compared to myself.

I'm upset but not angry. I DO want to lose weight, I'm just not obsessed with it like he appears to be. I'm surrounded by people that tell me to dump him over this, but I keep thinking that at the very least, dating this guy might get me into shape.

I guess I'm just looking for some non-biased opinions. Thanks!

[vashti]

I would be worried that his parent's opinion matters so much to him. Part of embracing maturity is acknowledging what one personally finds attractive, regardless of what society tells us. Either he is less comfortable with the weight than he says, or he is acting like a child seeking his parent's approval.

This is kind of a non-issue for now since you aren't going to be around to meet them anyway, but I'd watch for more signs that your man is a little bit less than fully grown-up.

[GrkScorp]

I'm also wondering how someone can let their parents have such a big influence over their partner's appearance.

That's because some parents take it a little too far..

At the end of the day.., he's a great guy.., with morals.., respect.., and principles.., and at the end of the day.., they are his parents.., and he was raised to have respect for them.., for family.., it's good he holds family is such high regard..

What THEY don't seem to get.., is that he gets that.., and instead of taking advantage of that.., and putting pressure on him.., they should respect the fact that they have raised a child so well.., and just stay away from the very personal matters of his life.., instead of putting him in a rough position of having to either "betray"/"disrespect" THEM.., or "disrespect" you..

If THEY don't like "extra curvy" women.., that's ok.., THEY aren't dating one.., HE is.., and the same way he respects them.., they should respect him enough to accept his personal choices.., it's not like it's bad for his health (like drugs).., or a bad choice (like staying unemployed).., it's just a personal preference.., and they are over-reaching their role as parents to make assertions or try and influence his personal choices.. (they need to let go)..

On his part.., he needs to realize.., that his parents are over-stepping their territory here.., it's not their place to force an opinion or expectation on something like this.., and by them applying such pressure.., they are disrespecting him.., It then is no longer an issue of having respect for his parents.., (he should realize that).., but politely explaining to them that they don't have this influence over his life.., he refuses to consider any pressure they hope to apply.., and although he respects them and honors family.., they are over-stepping many lines if they seriously believe that being his parents entitles them to dictate his entire life.., This goes beyond looking out for his best interest.., this crosses into trying to live his life for him.., and he must respectfully reject that attempt on their behalf..

If you want to make the personal choice to lose some weight.., that's great.., but don't just do it for his parents.., Similarly.., if he wants to see you thinner.., (apparently not his personal preference.., but let's just say for health reasons).., then let that be because that's what "he" wants.., and not what someone else wants..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Cain]

In my opinion, when you enter into an adult relationship, you shouldn't be letting your parents decide whether or not you stay with the person you're with. If he does, he's going to end up with someone he doesn't want to be with.

Do what you want to do. Losing weight isn't too bad. My gf did it when she was bigger... about 50 pounds in 7 months. Watch your diet, eat healthy, and do cardio. That's it.

[Infie]

Sounds like he's lying to me - you sure there isn't another reason that he wouldn't want them to meet you or perhaps he's a) not told them he has a girlfriend b) embrassed of them c) maybe he's parents are a gay couple......

whatever - telling you that you're not meeting his parents because they will complain about your weight? Somethings not right there.

[Cain]

Sounds like he's lying to me - you sure there isn't another reason that he wouldn't want them to meet you or perhaps he's a) not told them he has a girlfriend b) embrassed of them c) maybe he's parents are a gay couple......

whatever - telling you that you're not meeting his parents because they will complain about your weight? Somethings not right there.

Not necessarily. He might want his parents to like her and if they truly don't like bigger people, it'll be a negative first impression.

[TAVS]

I certainly dont know everything, but I've never heard of parents being that unsupportive of someone their child is interested in dating....maybe because of race or something if they're that kinda garbage, but not usually weight. Whatever happened to, "Whatever makes you happy." It almost feels like hes embarrassed and putting the problem onto his folks.

[vashti]

Possible ^^, but I *have* met people who have just as big an issue with weight as others have with race.

[Cain]

Possible ^^, but I *have* met people who have just as big an issue with weight as others have with race.

Agreed. You'd be amazed at how judgmental some people can be.

[Junket]

Tell him you'll have sex with him when he's no longer ashamed of you.

[bluesummer]

As far as I can see it, he's not ashamed of you so much as he is afraid of his parents saying something hurtful about you.

Many years ago I dated a guy for about five years. When we met I was really thin.....5'7", about 120 lbs, when I was 17. By the time I was 20, I had filled out a bit, to about 140 lbs. His grandmother always would make horrible biting remarks to face about my weight, and it was very hurtful. Not once did my bf defend me, because he said it would be 'disrespectful'. I think he felt awful about it, but just didn't have the guts to stand up to his family. That may be where your guy is at, too. He knows his parents might say something, and he also knows he doesn't have the guts to defend you, so he's taking the easy way out by just not letting you meet.

I would watch this behaviour verrrrry carefully. Guys like that, although they may be great guys, tend to take what mommy and daddy say very seriously, only because they'er afraid of 'letting them down'. It's sort of an insecurity thing on their part. I hope for your sake, your bf outgrows this.

[Junket]

Send him to me.

You can't let a parent down whom you don't worry about impressing.

[someonelse]

I don't know about ur bf and his parents but I do know you can't hope that being with someone would inspire you to loose weight. I thought that and it didn't work. But I lost 30 lbs one of those free calorie counting sites... after we broke up.

GOOD LUCK WITH ALL

[Illusional]

looking for a non-biased answer?? haha well honestly i love skinny girls and i would never be caught with a fat girl...

anyways... your bf's parents shouldn't really care.. and it's very immature for on their part to let something like this bother them. i understand that they are only seeing things from their eyes, so ultimately it's up to your bf to convince them otherwise. it's not fair, but it mainly will come down to how much shit he wants to put up with or how much fight he's willing to give to change them.

raverboy

[Cain]

looking for a non-biased answer?? haha well honestly i love skinny girls and i would never be caught with a fat girl...

anyways... your bf's parents shouldn't really care.. and it's very immature for on their part to let something like this bother them. i understand that they are only seeing things from their eyes, so ultimately it's up to your bf to convince them otherwise. it's not fair, but it mainly will come down to how much shit he wants to put up with or how much fight he's willing to give to change them.

raverboy

I don't mind skinny, but I don't have to have a skinny girl. Seeing a girl's ribs bothers me. With that in mind, I also don't find myself attracted to fat girls. I've seen pictures of my gf when she was bigger and I wasn't really attracted.

My gf isn't skinny and she isn't fat. She's what I would call thick, which I like. She's around 140lbs and about 5'4" or 5'5".