Someone twice my age? Cheating?

[Sweeney]

I hope I'm not going to ramble to much in this post, but I'm so confused, I just need to share it with someone. And it's so ridiculous that I don't dare to share it with some real life friend actually

Things to know: I'm in a strong relationship of 3 years now. We live apart, but see each other in the weekends. He is my first everything.

Maybe this is not really the place to post it, as it is not really about love. Anyway. At work I met someone, who is twice my age (21) and we only had some brief chats. But I so completely agreed with the things he had to share, I don't know. Maybe it is because of his age, but he sounded so wise. I'm kinda spiritual, I like philosophy. Where almost everyone else doesn't. Until I met him. I really felt a click but I didn't dare to admit. Luckily, before more confusion could come in, he moved to the other side of the world. Problem solved you'd say. But when we said goodbye, I couldn't do more than shake hands, wish him all the best and run, because I felt tears coming up. For someone I had met a few months ago and talked to a few times only! So I sent an email after him, to tell him how I strangely liked him and therefore couldn't do a proper goodbye. And I thanked him for putting my mind to think about a lot of things, just by asking some spot on questions. He replied that he felt something was going on but didn't know what exactly, that he would have given me a different goodbye had he known this. Whatever, problem solved you'd say, but I can't stop thinking about him. The things he said, where just so right. I dunno. I don't even know what I want to ask you guys. I guess I want to know if anyone here experienced something similar? That you meet someone who completely changes the way you see life, but in a way that does not involve love or anything?

Second thing... I've been going out to pubs and stuff with friends. And everytime I see lads I can feel some attraction towards one. I've managed to keep 'em at a distance because of my bf. But last time I danced actually pretty close with one. Would you consider that cheating? And I don't know what to think, am I using "them" as a substitute for my bf, who can't be here during weekdays, or is it some deeply hidden desire for something else?

I really like my bf, we get along very well. We are even thinking about moving in together at some point in the very near future. I just feel very confused about it all. How I can be so easily so deeply touched by a 40 year old man. How I do feel attracted to others all the time. While at the same time I love my bf and want nothing more than to be with him.

Argh. Sorry for ranting. I hope you guys can distill some question to answer from it

[Cain]

It's normal to be attracted to other people. It's not like attraction just turns off when you enter into a relationship. It's up to you, however, to make sure you don't act on it. Now, some people don't have a problem with the whole "grinding on another person" thing. It depends on the limits you both have set. My gf and I have decided that neither of us would like it either of us did it to someone else, so we don't. Would you mind if he was grinding on someone else?

[Sweeney]

Well, I wouldn't like it if he did that in front of me. He can do what he wants when I'm not there, as long as he doesn't cross the line: that's where kissing and anything more comes in.

However, I know he's a bit less open, I'm sure he dissaproves the dancing thing.. That's why I feel guilty about it. Even though nothing really happened.

[Cain]

Well, I wouldn't like it if he did that in front of me. He can do what he wants when I'm not there, as long as he doesn't cross the line: that's where kissing and anything more comes in.

However, I know he's a bit less open, I'm sure he dissaproves the dancing thing.. That's why I feel guilty about it. Even though nothing really happened.

If he doesn't like it, you need to decide whether you will do something that bothers him because you think it's fun or you won't because you know it bothers him.

[shh!]

Any 40 year old man who is dating a 21 year old girl and doesn't expect her to want to go out and dance, date, and have fun (like a normal 21 year old SHOULD be doing) has some serious control issues. Of course, that may well be the reason he isn't dating someone more age-approporiate.

Listen my friend... I would be worried about your man's maturity level. It isn't right for a man his age to be dating you, although I don't doubt for a minute that you are spectacular. The problem is that he has reached his peak, and you are still a rising star. You are going to outgrow him (and may be showing signs of that already). Let him go.

What you are wanting to do is normal for your age. Shame on him for holding you back. He is stunting your growth.

[Sweeney]

I guess it comes down to that Cain, thanx. I know which one to choose.

Shh - my bf is 24. The older guy I'm talking about, is just someone I casually walked into at work a few times. It's just that I felt something I can't describe, I felt an immediate click between us. I don't want to pursue anything. He just hit some things important to me, got me thinking, made me revise a lot of my principles, of my moral values (dunno how to describe it good in English). Heck, I'm still thinking things over while it has already changed the way I see life. I was just wondering if it was normal to feel so touched so easily by someone by just a few talks.

Heh, I knew beforehand my post was going to be confusing. I'm so sorry.

[shh!]

Eek, OK. So you have a boyfriend, but have a crush on an older man... I get it now.

Yes, it's normal. Your boyfriend (?) lives away, and you are lonely. It can be flattering to have the attention of an older man.

I think it is okay to fantasize, but just don't go there. Things may not work out with your boyfriend due to the distance (also common), but the older guy would be inappropriate.

I think you are perhaps just a bit lonely.

[IndiReloaded]

The older man attraction is b/c he appears experienced & wise. Its nothing. Be careful tho, some older men understand quite well the effect they can have on susceptible individuals & take advantage of young ladies this way. Married men in bars w/o their wedding rings... teachers who screw their students... all kinds of things. Just be aware.

You miss your BF, is all & attraction to someone else is a sign you want to be closer to him (your BF). Don't make this more than what it is.

[Mish]

Second thing... I've been going out to pubs and stuff with friends. And everytime I see lads I can feel some attraction towards one. I've managed to keep 'em at a distance because of my bf. But last time I danced actually pretty close with one. Would you consider that cheating?

No

But perhaps it's a part of you telling you that you are not yet ready for a serious comitted relationship. I think you are standing at cross roads, I can see a difficut decision coming up very soon for you.