Another day in the life of a confused girl

[Morbid Angel]

Have you ever gone through a time where every day feels like you're not really there? like everythings far away?
my emotions are either not there, or they're fake, feels like i cant feel anything. At the moment i have to spend a while on my own and not see my ex/best friend, so that i can get over him. but i cant leave him alone, it feels like i need him, but in a way i dont, but i keep postponing the 'time alone'. it feels so final. i dont want to spend a week alone right now, but it hurts like hell to see him ive noticed that i can stay relatively happy when im keeping busy and ignoring how i feel, but i cant do that all the time. must i just pull through with it, give myself a few days to be alone and just stick to that? even tho its hard? im scared he sees it as me not wanting to be his friend. i want to, but i just want to get over him first. he's so tired of speaking about all of this, so i dont know if i must tell him i made this decision, or just go with it and say no whenever he asks. i want to tell him, but i dont know if ill even go through with the whole thing

[Morbid Angel]

and music for once isnt helping, do u think its possible to fall in love all over again just because of a song? its not like ur falling in love with a person then, rather the song, or the idea of it, because a song isnt necessarily how another person is, the song might say it and we might understand and feel it, but the person we're thinking of never said that. why is it then that songs make us forgive people, like them more, get mad at them, or whatever else? why does it have that power? i think im going crazy, but i want someone from a song to be with, someone that matches to what i hear and feel. i want someone close, but not 'close' just someone thats there, just to talk to. i love talking:/ but i think i talk too much, i make ppl crazy. so many ideas going through this stupid little girl's mind. i think thats why my songs help so much, they can keep going just as long as i can, and we think the same.

can rejection cause someone to go out of their mind?

[BillyGalbreath]

I constantly feel like i am never really here - Sometimes I feel as though I am dreaming - and when I dream I feel as though its real - It has gotten really hard for me to tell the difference anymore. You know what I mean ?

Every since Destine left me its like my whole life just got turned upside down - Everything has changed so fast and I dont think I am able to keep up with it. I am an emotional wreck most of the time. I go through mood swings more than I go thru a pack of smokes in a day. Some of these emotions I cant seem to put to words because I have never felt them before.

I feel as though I am on that river that Incubus was talking about in their song 'Aqeous Transmission' - except I never want to meet up with her again...

I feel as though I am drifting into the unknown - Some of the things I find scare me and make me worry if I'll make it thru this - Emotions are (I think) the strongest thing is the world.

All the time ppl ask me if I'm ok - I look at them and I say 'Yes.' but I wonder why they even asked me that - do I look like I feel ? I find myself drifting off into a dream world often through out each day - then something around me will happen and I get pulled back into this world - Sometimes the switch is unnoticable for me and I will start talking to someone about something I dreamt and they will just look at me and say 'what the hell are you talking about?' because it never actually happened... Then there are other times when someone tells me to do something and then I notice a switch in the worlds and i figure well ok that was the dream so here i am - dont do what he/she said to do because it was only a dream - then next thing I know he/she is mad at me because I didnt do it - then I'm stuck wondering 'what the f***? what world am I in now?'

I barely sleep anymore - I will lay in my bed for hours and just drift in and out of dreams - I do sleep - dont get me wrong - but i sleep about 2-3 hours a night and then i sleep for about an hour at work a few minutes here and there thru the day (I have this thing where I can sleep with my eyes open) - Sometimes I even fall asleep in the middle of someone talking to me and then wake up right before they stop talking - I it looks like I was listening but i slept thru the whole damn thing

When I am awake I dream - When I am asleep I dream - It feels as tho my mind is just drifting off and soon it will be gone.

No, I am not like this because I miss Destine - that is definately not it - I would not take her back for anything - I dont even want Robin anymore - I have gotten over them both - I dont have any friends - I dont talk to anyone - All day long I talk to about 3 people - my boss, my partner at work, and my dad when I go home - And when we talk we barely say anything at all.

I am honestly alone. For the first time in my life I am alone. I have been alone for about 3 months now. Solitude is my worst fear ever. Fear is killing my mind. My mind is killing my soul. My soul is killing my heart. I have always had abandonment issues since I was about 3 years old - My parents got a divorce and I didnt see my mom again until I was like 13. I grew up with my dad. My mom left me. Everytime I started to gain friends in my neighborhood my dad would move accross town. I would change schools. I would be the outcast again. The new guy. The shy guy. I did this very often while growing up. Never had any solid friends - Never had any solid Family - Never had anything solid except for my mind - because no matter what I went thru no matter where I was - I still had someone there to talk to. There would be 1 person that stuck out and would walk up to me and be my friend - There was always a girl that seemed to like me and be my 'girlfriend' after maybe 2 days - Times no matter how hard they got I had someone new to look up to.

Then my dad moved one final and last time into a house that he decided to buy - I had to do everything all over again from the beginning. This time things were different somehow. I didnt get a girlfriend right off the bat. I made many new friends almost all at once - I became pretty popular - I am not talking popular like you see on tv - I am talking popular in real life - the popular where everyone knows who you are - even if they like you or not - and thats how it seemed to be with me - you either liked me or you hated me. So I had many friends, and I had many enemies. I have always been a 'big' guy - I look a bit timidating to some - so no one ever tried to **** with me. Thing were great - Eventually I had girls waiting in line to go out with me.

Then I turned 16 and started my first job - Here is where my life got turned upside down. I met a girl (Robin) and she was 18 and about to graduate high school and I was still a sophomore. We started to talk and we became good friends - Well her friends started to become my friends also - then one day I got fired from my job for spending too much time with her while on the clock - we ended up spending this day together all day long - well we ended up getting together as a couple - I left my current g/f that I was not seeing over the summer - And then over time I started realizing that I was loosing friends and gaining new ones again - but it weas all mixing into one - I was loosing all the young kids a friends and gaining ppl that were 2-5 years older than me as friends - This is when I realized that I was maturing faster than the kids my age. I figured this was the best thing for me so I went with it.

Next thing I knew I was a father and had 3 friends left from school and was now best friends with everyone that was Robins friends... ... Well - what I didnt realize is that the older one gets the less friends he has - and slowly these people that were my friends slowly started to just fade away - to this day I dont really know what happened to them - But after being with Robin for almost 2 years I looked around at everything - I was graduating soon - I had hardly anyfriends left - and the only friends that i did have left were the 3 kids from school that were a year younger than me...

I freaked - I started to realize that I had grown up WAY to fast - then Jon's sister moves to Pasadena and I meet her for the first time - Now THAT was love at first site - It was perfect when i think back on it - I was laying in bed with Robin having a conversation and then Jon walks in the room with his sister and introduces us all - I never looked away from destine back at robin - I just walked outside after her and jon - I didnt even realize I did that -- Well about 3 weeks later I left Robin for Destine...

Biggest mistake of my life!

I ended up falling in love with destine very shorly after this and got her pregnant and all that good stuff --- --- I just realized how long this post is so I am gonna cut out the details LMAO --- --- well over a 2 year time span with being with destine my friends have decreased to 1 and he was her friend at that --- so when she left i had no one - not one friend - nothin

BAck to where I was before - But this time I dont know what is going on with me... Its been 3 months and I have still yet to find a friend... ...

Hmm... I seemed to have forgotten where I was going with this damn post - I been doing that alot lately - wtf...

Oh well I will coem back in a few hours and read this and remember what I was going to say... ... ...

[Morbid Angel]

I dont know what is dream or real either anymore. Bad thing is, in my dreams im still with my bf, and he loves me like he used to, and then i go over to his house and kiss him by mistake and he freaks out

since he left me my lifes pretty much also messed up, i cant keep up either. i cant accept that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, n that he doesnt feel that way. i keep waiting for him to say it was a mistake, but he doesnt. I;m a mess, i lost all my friends to be with him, all my own interests. i always thought it was a bit kewl to feel sad or alone, makes u stand out in a crowd, but it doesnt feel so nice when its real. I dont even know what im feeling right now, ive never felt this. im also alone. not physically really, because i have ppl around me, but im alone, in every other way. i just want peace in my head. i dont want to rely on other people to make me happy, but i dont think theres something left inside of me to make me happy by myself.

[Morbid Angel]

Hmm... I seemed to have forgotten where I was going with this damn post - I been doing that alot lately - wtf...

Oh well I will coem back in a few hours and read this and remember what I was going to say... ... ...

its fine to go nowhere with these posts btw, i do that too as long as we get these toxic feelings out of our systems and onto the screen. you know, it makes you sick to keep things inside? ive said what i wanted to though, a million times, but i still dont feel better. still lovely to have this place to come and vent tho

how do u think a person becomes completely at peace with being alone? how do u become strong? i see old ladies alone all the time, playing with their dogs and tending to their gardens. howcome they dont die from loneliness?

[PandaCivic]

hey there "Morbid Angel"! I'm not here to cheer you up or anything like that. i just wanted to add to the "been there, done that" list. when i was in your situation (i probably still am) i would always wish that this girl (i don't call her my ex anymore because it's been so long already) would take me back and fall in love with me all over again everytime i saw her. at first i thought it was all a dream when she said it was over. i remember when she came over to my house and we hung out. it was more like she felt she had to be there. i kissed her on the cheek like i used to do on a random basis, and instead of getting a smile from her, i just got this blank look on her face that seemed to have her say "what was that for?" she was basically freaked out. i loved this girl for so long that i didn't know how to be without her. it takes a while to understand the pain that you must be going through realizing that the one person you think you care about the most doesn't feel the same way towards you anymore. you know all the bad feelings that come with a broken heart, but you also have to realize that you can only cry so much. you're right when you say that if you keep busy and think about other things, it helps. but you know what? if you feel your saddest and accept the fact that this is the worst feeling in the world, things can only get better. you should let this sadness inside and allow it to consume you emotionally. i know it sounds crazy to read this but you need to understand this sort of human emotion in order to realize that happiness is only brought upon by the person who knows what happiness is. it is different for other people but you know what makes you happy, and this heart break isn't one of those things. but it is in fact the complete opposite. that's like a "duh". but it's so true. i'm probably still just as lost as you are right now, but i just hope you start to understand that you were once happy or content BEFORE you met this person, and he only complemented your life. you will only be able to live live when you know you control every part of it.
wow, i dont make any sense at all. i hope you do okay.

[Morbid Angel]

thanks pandacivic. i was hoping im pretty much over everything, but thats just lying, im still in the denial stage, and i wish i could get over that. im so desperate, i want to walk in front of a car, just so he'd be concerned about me, i wanna go out and get mugged or beat up, just so he'll feel something for me. but that doesnt make someone love you, and if it does, then its not real love, its pity. but id actually love that :/ we met while i was in a VERY abusive relationship, i was going to pieces, and he told me he'll always protect me and look after me. He was also sick, recovering from a breakdown. Could it be that he just felt sorry for me? and that he just used me to get better and get back to work, and then not want any more problems, or protect this stupid little girl anymore? then again i cant believe that, because we've been together for so long.

i cant believe its over, and i wont i just wanna hide in my room for a year or so. maybe ill get over it

[squirrley]

ok you guys! Youre getting it out which is great! Its important to vent out your feelings. You do it somehow to release it. For starters I highly recommend you listen to uplifting music...seriously youre making it a hundred times harder on yourself by listening to that sappy shit-its fine to do it and release and cry...but not weeks later.
Everyone-or most everyone has gone through this shit and deals with it in different ways...Ive been through it and it sucks...who the hell wants to feel like shit on a daily basis? So I figured out a way for me to get out of it-and I did. Its mental health and I knew in my mind I HAD to get out of that and started getting out more and focusing on whats important to me...not about him anymore...where I wanted my life to go for myself and no one else. I QUIT asking all the questions...what if this or what if that...quit analyzing the hell out of the situation and just learned to let go.

I found myself everyday becoming stronger and everyday that went by forgetting about him. I look back now and think what the hell! Why did I even bother shedding a tear...Im thankful as hell thats over...

And one day you guys will do the same. But dont spend your time contemplating all the what ifs and why's...youre wasting time on that and losing yourself. You have to accept its over for a reason and move on. You may never understand it...I read somewhere this which I thought was so damn true:

"If relationships were like the little black boxes on airplanes and when they crashed...at least youd have the answers." So true. But whats important is rebuilding your own life and not allowing that person that kind of power over your life. ITs YOURS!!

I do wish you the best and hopefully sooner than later you'll be able to come on here and tell us youve found someone new...and youre life is better now!

Goodluck to you...and remember Time does heal all wounds...it really does.

[Bonovox40]

I think we're all a little "people needy". Some moreso than others. (such as those who stay in abusive relationships)

Morbid, i've felt the way you do about things. I've had dreams even now in a decent relationship where me and my ex are together and things are going well. Sorta a "what if bad things never happened?" scenario. But I haven't had those dreams for about 2 months now, and things are MORE difficult in my present relationship. I don't understand how when I was on top of the world, i'd have dreams of my ex, and when there's issues to face today, I don't.

But it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm trying not to NEED people so much like my gf. As in I don't NEED them to get by day to day. It's hard and Billy, i've felt like you at times, but right now I feel pretty good. And i'm living my life for ME. I'm thinking of my future and career and trying to make the best of what I have. I don't put other people in my life on hold, but I don't NEED them to feel good. I ENJOY being with them and having fun but it's not necessary.
Like I love bowling with my gf. This week she's been working so I went by myself and I still had fun. Why give up the things you enjoy just for the sake of not wanting to do them alone?
Try doing things that are FUN to you that don't necessarily involve other people. Like reading, or working on a project at home. Maybe something artistic or playing an instrument. It's hard at first but when you get into it, you really enjoy those times where it's just you and your thoughts. I think starting a fitness program is great because it's you and the machines working to make YOU better. Even better is if you go to a gym you might make some new friends or a new love interest. My friend did it that way.

If I knew how things were now back then, (who doesn't say that?) I wouldn't take life so SERIOUSLY when it comes to not always BEING with someone. I think it's way too easy for us to get cought up in someone else's emotions rather than protecting our own. Like with my gf.

She's going through what I went through at her AGE. (18 vs 26) I've felt like it's no big deal and perhaps she doesn't know how she feels about me and maybe isn't wanting this to progress, but actions speak louder than words. And not i'm believing more that she's AFRAID of her future. Just like I was. She's afraid of what her future holds with me and what my intentions are. Not even looking at how well I treat her and give her respect and excitement and love, she FEARS her own SELF-DOUBT and lack of cofidence. She doesn't understand what I see in her and actually EXPECTS me to hurt her at some point. (ie: take drugs or hit her because that's what happened in the past)

Isn't that crazy when you think about it? Instead of taking that RISK that we all have to to put TRUST and FAITH in someone else to discover if they're the right companion/mate/partner in life, she's afraid that just because somebody treated her bad, that I will do regardless of how I CURRENTLY treat her.

But you say "That's not crazy thoughts. Those who have been hurt think that way because we use the past as our guide."
How true. But how true does that always keep us from striving to get more from life. It keeps us from reaching our goals. I'm concerned about her being stressed out and concerned sure, but i'm optimistic in that no matter what happens, we can have a fun time being together for as long as we are. What good is it to live in fear of tomorrow maybe being the last day we're a couple? If anything, thinking that way makes today not look so good and who knows what great things can happen today so why worry about what MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be? Live for what you have at THIS moment. Of course you should be thoughtful as well though. Don't go spending your life savings on strippers and Ferraris. (but which of us really could blow that much dough?)

Who hasn't been burned somehow? But damn, I sure had a good time along the way at times! Isn't the prospect of just taking that risk and TRYING something new for you, or MEETING someone new worth it? What good does it do to sit around and be unhappy with your life? Just go and change it! Remember that other people can and should help you feel good in life. But you shouldn't rely on them to feel good about YOURSELF each day.

Just my .02 1/2 cents.

[PandaCivic]

squirrley, i don't think she's at that stage where she realizes that she controls her own life. somehow it seems like the longer you were in a relationship, the longer it takes for you to get over it. something like a proportional thing. like for me, i was in one for like 5 years and it took me about 2 years or so to get over her. granted i still probably miss her because i was in a relationship with her, but i don't think i miss the whole thing altogether. i think i miss being in a situation where i cared for someone the same way someone cared for me. in a way i am thankful i went through that drama because it made me stronger in a weak part of my life. Morbid, you need to accept all of this before you can move on. once you believe it's over, your life will begin where it left off when you were happy. don't go looking for love because you will need to love yourself first. corny yes, the truth as well. i hope you feel better. we're all here if you need to talk.

[Morbid Angel]

thank you

[Morbid Angel]

uugh i cant do this. why doesnt he feel the same? why do two people who are perfect for each other drift apart from only the one side and why doesnt the other person even realise anything.

he has to sort things out, and figure his life out. why cant that include me? why do ppl throw their loved ones away to sort things out instead of asking them to help?

[squirrley]

Panda my friend I was in a 10 year relationship...how long do you think that took me to get over? And Breezy-hell she was married and has 3 children. Billy-well I have no clue when he'll move on. It depends on the person and their mentality-TOTALLY! Its a mind game with yourself. You can either let it destroy and consume your life or accept it and move on. It took me less than almost 8 months to get over that 10 year relationship. Because I was able to distinguish WHAT it was I missed-such as what you said the "idea" of being in a relationship...it wasnt the person I missed. Oh hell no.

It takes someone alot of strength to find THAT strength to know they can pull out. Which most people learn they have and can do it-in a matter of their own time. Theres no time table for healing...you set your own pace. Some people never heal.

I wont allow someone to take that kind of control of me again...I sat in my room and listened to the sad songs-moped-cried-cried some more. But everyday I was kicking myself in the ass for doing it-and today I have a permanent foot mark on my ass. Just a little reminder to myself that I make myself happy FIRST. A partner will ADD to it. But I am responsible for my own happiness.

Every one goes through this-and I respect that...I will always be the first one to listen because I know what they're going through...I only want people to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnell-their life is not over-but only beginning. That when one door closes another will and does open if not a hundred or thousand doors. I kept those doors closed for so long...because I didnt want to endure that kind of pain again. But when you recognize the form or type of pain you went through its easier to open yourself up again.

Its not easy going through this kind of heartache-never is-and I wouldnt downplay it for a moment-I went somewhere i thought i never would-I even contemplated-well never mind-but I know how badly and deeply that can hurt. Once youve gotten yourself out of that its so much better and life is so much easier to handle and deal with.

Morbid-things will get better in due time-it will-you have to have faith in yourself-you can look at this as a learning experience and try not to look at what hes thinking and why he did what he did...look to yourself and the qualities you posses as a woman. You know youve got the goods to make someone happy-start with yourself sweetie!
Look in the mirror hold your head high and tell yourself you will make it through this-you will become stronger! Start putting the negatives behind you-and think of the positives in your life. YOU DO HAVE THEM!!!

[PandaCivic]

anytime. .

[BillyGalbreath]

I still dont remember what I wanted to say - sorry