Tough time and confused about what to do

[Kris Cym]

I'm at university with my fiancee studying for my final year and things up until the last week or so seemed fine.

However, my girlfriend wanted some new puppies, one for herself and one for her younger brother. She found some and she bought them. The plan was to keep them here for three weeks and then take them home to her parents house. I didn't realise how difficult things would be with them between their constant play fighting, having to watch their every move to make sure they're not chewing something they shouldn't be and having to take them outside frequently during the day and a couple of times in the night before they were up and hyper at 6am.

It left me in a bad mood and tired in the mornings. I wasn't taking it out on her but I wasn't exactly playful with the pups because of it. It got to the point where I was sleeping in the spare bedroom on the occasional night so I could concentrate on my studies the next day. It seemed to be getting to her and it was showing when I seemed to come downstairs some days and she'd blank me. I was doing my share of helping out with them but it was more her than myself... but the way I saw it in my eyes, they were her puppies and was unfair to make me comprimise my studies with university work. As I said, it's my final year and have a major project to work on. Am I being selfish here?

It was putting a strain on us because I was not in a position to cope with it but things seemed to get demanding. She was hurrying me up out of the car and demanding me to do the dishes before I'd even finished my dinner. I always do the dishes within about an hour of having dinner but it seemed like she wanted them doing them there and then. I always said I would do them in a short while but by the time I've gone to do them, she's washed them and complains I'm not doing anything to help out.

Things came to a head last night though when she said to me "I didn't think you were that stupid" when I didn't understand what she was explaining me to do. It made me angry and I slept in the spare room. There was a small argument over it but not a big row.

However, when I came down this morning, she had left with the puppies to take them home to her parents and plans on staying for 3 weeks. She left a note telling me we both need our space to decide if it's worth us being together because things "aren't working". She also said it was obvious to her that she isn't what I want.

Up until the puppies were here (which was just over a week ago), I thought things were fine. We hadn't been arguing or anything. She however did comment on a loss of affection I was showing her. I used to be really affectionate but not really as much lately. I think it's partly to blame on both of us though. She likes to sit playing online games so it's felt like she hasn't been showing me any affection making me less affectionate to her.


I'm sorry if that's a long post but it's tearing me apart not knowing what's going on (she's told me not to call her) and thinking the worst. I haven't really got anyone to talk to about it because I haven't got any close friends making her a big part of my life.

[fibe99]

Have you talked to her ever since she left? What is your plan now?
From what it seems the problems are rooted in what happened BEFORE the puppies. If you still think it's worth it to continue your relationship then make sure she knows exactly how much she needs you.
But before you do anything I definitely recommend talking to her to find out what exactly her deal is. Get her to tell you the specific reasons for why she left.

[starbuck]

What exactly are you asking, Kris? Do you want to continue the relationship? If you do, then I suggest trying to get in touch with her to schedule a talk when she's ready. But it sounds like some space will do you both some good in the meantime. You were both fighting alot and miserable with one another.

By the way, you shouldn't blame her for the puppies being destructive and annoying. YOU allowed her to bring them into your space. You should have realized that this was the way they were going to be before you agreed to it.

[Kris Cym]

Sorry if I didn't make it clear what I was asking. I just want to put things right and vent a little.

Well I just spoke to her. It's rooted to before the pups. Fault lies completely on me and I guess I agree with her. She said I'm not thoughtful enough as in I don't put the clothes on to wash and the like without being asked.

It's not that I'm lazy, it's just stuff I've taken for granted over the years. Going straight from living with my parents where my laundry was done for me to moving in with her where she'd already had that independance of doing the laundry and the like.

I realise I'm in the wrong but want to break this bad habit and put things right. I always try and do my bit when I'm with her at her parents house and vacuum and load and unload the dishwasher but I guess I'm still not pulling my weight.

[Kris Cym]

Kris, you need to talk to her when she comes back from her parents.

I think that your girlfriend is selfish. She should have shown you gratitude for all the care and time you gave to the puppies. You didn't have to do that. When a person gets an animal, (s)he has to make it happy and nurture it properly. She should have been grateful that anyone at all wanted to share her responsibility for the puppies SHE bought. Did she tell you that she was going to buy them?

I also think that you g/f is spoiled and immature. Something's telling me that she's used of others taking care of her problems. It wasn't nice of her to add up to your stress and lessen your study time when she knew that you're going through very important period in your life. What does she do? I see that you wash dishes, study, took the doggies out, while she's playing online games. It's time for her to grow up. With the information you given, I don't see what you did wrong.

If you continue the relationship with her, I suggest that you make a list of who does what and when, so that everything be fair to both of you. Otherwise you won't be happy with the relationship and you know it.

She's a student too. I'm not acting like she sits playing online games neglecting jobs but she plays online games a lot making it difficult for me just to cuddle up to her and show her some affection.

But that's the way I saw it with the pups. She did tell me she wanted the pups and I even went and picked them up for her. I expected them making a mess of the house but I didn't realise it would be as demanding as it was as I've never had a puppy, yet she has.

I don't want it to sound like I'm disagreeing with you but I'm not sure about spoilt and immature. It's more she likes to have things her way. She is quite independant and tends to refuse to take things given to her sometimes.

[starbuck]

It probably doesn't do any good placing blame anyway. Couples fight sometimes. You sound like you just need to sit down and talk with her about all of this.

To be honest, these sound like small, surmountable things that the both of you can overcome. I mean let's put this in perspective, it's just puppies and dishes right? There wasn't infidelity or lying or some other horrendous deal-breaker.

Good luck!

[Kris Cym]

It probably doesn't do any good placing blame anyway. Couples fight sometimes. You sound like you just need to sit down and talk with her about all of this.

To be honest, these sound like small, surmountable things that the both of you can overcome. I mean let's put this in perspective, it's just puppies and dishes right? There wasn't infidelity or lying or some other horrendous deal-breaker.

Good luck!

Yeah we've had our fights. Some pretty serious over things that really are troubling to a relationship but we've usually got past them.

Even one of her friends has pointed it out that. It shut her up about it for a while because she tends to listen to her friends more than me.

This is something that has cropped up in the past though with me not being thoughtful enough but not this bad. She just seems to think that she's not number one in my books because lately I've just liked to have some time to myself to enjoy my hobby of playing the guitar. She is thoughtful in searching for jobs for me once I finish my degree but think I'm not because I don't do the same for her even though I have; yet the jobs I seem to find her, she puts down making my effort seem pointless. My way of thinking is though that it's not been worth looking when there's been over a year to go before graduation when those jobs will be gone. It's less than a year to go now but she's been looking since this time last year.

[Kris Cym]

Anyway, your fights are ridiculous. C'mon, somebody asking for a space cos of the laundry ^^.

What I'm thinking.

This is my first serious relationship and some of the things we have bickered about are insane leaving me thinking "Is this normal? Do other guys deal with this?"

[lovesacrifices]

Have you talked to her ever since she left? What is your plan now?
From what it seems the problems are rooted in what happened BEFORE the puppies. If you still think it's worth it to continue your relationship then make sure she knows exactly how much she needs you.
But before you do anything I definitely recommend talking to her to find out what exactly her deal is. Get her to tell you the specific reasons for why she left.

i think its best that both of u will sit down and start talking about the things that both of u have gone wrong..
start to compromise things one by one..tackle all the impediments one step at a time..
in a good talk..there's always a good result that awaits..
cheer up!..
i know everything will turned out well..

[snoz]

I haven't really got anyone to talk to about it because I haven't got any close friends making her a big part of my life.

I can relate to you about that one. That's our own downfall though.

With what you've said I think it shows you care a great lot about this relationship, have you talked to her about what you went through when she got the puppies? By the way you've described her she does sound like the type who likes to think she's right, she's taken the puppies, left you for the time being and has left you wondering what the hell is going on.

I think you made the right choice in concentrating on the study she needs to realise that. She does seem spoilt in a sense in that she gets to have her own private leisure time while when you go on yours she's upset over it.

I wouldn't argue any of the things you've talked about right now with her since that'll probably stir things up a bit. Just let it rest for now and have a chat when you've both calmed down a little. You've both taken each other for granted, it's not like we all have antennas on our heads which can pick up when we feel emotionally neglected if we don't talk about it.

For you it might've been the computer games, not taking up the job you found her or what not. These are probably minor details to her just like dishes and puppies are to us. Have a think about that

[Kris Cym]

By the way you've described her she does sound like the type who likes to think she's right, she's taken the puppies, left you for the time being and has left you wondering what the hell is going on.

I'd say you've pretty much nailed her there.

She's still speaking to me but seems a bit cold so I'm just leaving the matter be. I've learnt from experience not to bring things back up.

My problem is that usually when something like this happens, it's always me that has to admit they're wrong. It's very rare she'll admit she's wrong and appologise. It just ends up me taking the blame just to make life easy... arguing that she's wrong just drags the argument out for even longer and doesn't solve anything. I know if I give my side of the story, she'll have some answer for it.

[Charlie Boy II]

Have you considered having the puppies destroyed?

[snoz]

My problem is that usually when something like this happens, it's always me that has to admit they're wrong. It's very rare she'll admit she's wrong and appologise.

That's a good quality to have. I personally prefer honesty and talking through things when time comes around for it but your gf's personality seems to match that of my ex. If she really cares I trust she'll open up to you, if not I would serious start to question if you guys really are compatible.

My question is, does she get aggravated and defensive when you genuinely want to talk about relationship problems?

I had learnt the hard way and it hurts so much more when issues like this never got resolved.

[Kris Cym]

That's a good quality to have. I personally prefer honesty and talking through things when time comes around for it but your gf's personality seems to match that of my ex. If she really cares I trust she'll open up to you, if not I would serious start to question if you guys really are compatible.

My question is, does she get aggravated and defensive when you genuinely want to talk about relationship problems?

I had learnt the hard way and it hurts so much more when issues like this never got resolved.

She is easy to aggavate and does get defensive when I want to talk stuff out. It has in the past lead into bigger arguments than what the original argument is about. Our arguments often just get settled with a "lets just forget it".


She also complained last night that I have no drive and ambition. I would say I do because I work very hard towards my degree but I just haven't planned into the future so much job wise whereas she has and bases it on that.


I just want to tell her that this is all stupid niggling stuff to argue about and make her see sense but in my gut, I get the feeling it's going to make things worse. I also get the feeling though that by not being able to talk it through properly isn't making things better.