Don't want to be a rebound

[jelie]

Alright, a quick summary of the situation I got myself into. A lil over a month back I got to know one of my peers in my ROTC battalion, Gina, at a field training excersize we had. She is very cute and physically I was very attracted. After getting to know her over the following weeks I grew to really like her. But, come to find out, she has a boyfriend of two years back home in New York. Ignoring this fact we continued to innocently flirt until it got to the point where we had to draw a definite line that we could not cross (which is basically making out). We are two GIANT flirts and in fact even sometimes walk hand in hand, often get into tickle battles, and have crashed in the others bed after long movie nights three times now.

We dont talk about it often but from what I can gather for the past 6 months they have been going through a falling out. She knows that she loves him but not in a romantic way anymore and is confused on what to do. She is going home for thanksgiving is going to talk to him about it and if I am reading her right she is going to end up breaking up with him.

I really like this girl and want to pursue this as a relationship if her and her boyfriend do breakup in the near future. If they don't, then my dilemma is solved and I back off. But if they do break up, how do I go about handling it. I don't want to be a rebound and have our relationship based on that, those never last. What do I do?

I tried to include all the necessary details, but if you have any other questions that could help, ill be glad to answer.

[vashti]

I assume you don't want to be the rebound guy because you are worried things won't last with her if you ARE the rebound guy. However, there is never any guarantee things will work out between a couple, regardless of how much time is spent between relationships.

One thing I want to point out is that when a girl breaks off with her boyfriend, she has usually been thinking about it for quite a while. Especially given the distance between them, my guess is that this relationship was over emotionally before now.

I suggest you back off until she sees this guy, and if she doesn't break up with him, then quit seeing her.

[carl1222]

Hi jelie,

Complicated situation! First, you are not a rebound boyfriend, you are a REPLACEMENT boyfriend. That difference in timing makes a HUGE difference. I see red flags for you all over the place that should make you think twice about getting into a more serious relationship with this girl.

1) She's a cheater. Sorry for being so blunt, but it's obvious that the two of you are already in a romantic relationship ... serious flirting, hand holding, tickle games, sharing romantic times together, sleepovers, probably some kissing, etc.. It doesn't really matter much that you have set limits on sexual contact for now, the fact remains that she has pursued a full-blown emotional romantic relationship with you behind her boyfriend's back. That's cheating by any reasonable definition.

2) She lacks courage. She should have broken up with her boyfriend as soon as it was clear to her that she no longer had a romantic interest in him. Sure, it's easier to get past a break-up if you have something else lined up, but to maintain a sham relationship just to avoid being single is cowardly and abusive.

3) She is dishonest in many ways. Relationship commitments aren't always forever, but they should exist until they are withdrawn by a break-up. Pretending that she is still commited to a relationship that she secretly gave up on a long time ago is a lie. Also, it took her several weeks to even tell you she had a boyfriend. She should have done that at first flirt!

I'm not questioning your belief that she is sexy and fun to be with, but you are fortunate in that you have had a glimpse of how she handles relationships and commitments, and it doesn't look promising. After all, you don't want to be the one getting the "Thanksgiving Surprise" next year, do you?

I would definitely PASS on this one no matter how much you want it.

Good luck.

Carl.

[jelie]

Thank you both for your input. We talked about things and decided to show it down, both feeling uncomfortable with the situation. So I am just going to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks and see what to do.

Carl, your advice makes tons of sense but just by the way that she drew the lines and the way that she even re-drew the lines recently to back them down I think that I am not dealing with a cheater here, just somebody who got herself into a bad situation with her boyfriend and through inexperience didn't know what to do about it and then in the midst of it all, I showed up. So, if I do get my chance, I think I may try it out, take it slow see how it works. Worst case, I misjudged her and should have taken your advice and make a mistake. At least it will be a fun mistake.