Feels Unworthy?

[Aeradalia]

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now... talking with him is easy, we're both very happy when we're together, he tries to make time (and I do too) so that we can see each other, and we've confessed that we do love each other. We get along emotionally, intellectually, and like one another physically as well... Whenever I'm with him, I feel like a better person.... I feel like I can do anything, and I've noticed that I have been motivated to improve my life in many ways.

I've tried my best to not put any pressure on him. No talks about futures together (other than when we'll meet again), or making any real demands of him. I feel that it is way too early in the relationship to be thinking about such things, and I'd rather give us both time to learn for ourselves if this is something we'd really want.

The other day I talked with him, and I'm not sure how the conversation led to this, but at some point we were talking about the future... He said that he's grown to love, respect, adore, and crave me... how he feels is incredible, and what we have is incredible, but he feels his life is in shambles, that he doesn't know what the future may bring and that it scares him.... that he doesn't trust life anymore. After a brief talk about this, he said that ultimately he doesn't feel worthy of any of what we have.

He mentioned being in financial ruin... his financial state really isn't that bad (and the damage that is there can be repaired) and, I'm not looking for a wealthy man anyway. He mentioned that his appearance leaves much to be desired... he is starting to gray and lose some of his youthful appearance, but I'm not bothered and find it all the more attractive personally. Yet he still wants to be with me, but he's so uncertain of so much...

He is a good man, very sweet disposition and from what I've learned... life has been cruel to him at times and I feel that he may fear that this will all go away somehow.

I responded to all of this by reminding him of the good attributes I've found in him, and told him that the future is uncertain for me as well and that I really haven't given much thought to it... He seemed to relax after this and we made plans to meet up again.

I'm not sure how to go about this... I can't help but to feel that he really isn't looking for freedom per se, and when we are together, I sense that he wants to be closer as he takes more interest in me... and how my life is progressing. He is so positive when we talk about my hopes and dreams... yet he doesn't seem to offer the same positive outlook about his own life.

What's really going on here? Is he insecure? Low self-esteem? or does he ultimately want his freedom?

If it's insecurities... how can I help?

I care very much for him and if that means letting him go... then as much as it would hurt, I don't want to stand in his way....

[Cbrider]

It sounds like the guy might be looking around and comparing himself silently to other men his age. A lot of guys put pressure on themselves to be better than the next guy and I truly think this feeling sticks until your married and no longer feel the need to impress. You said life has been rough with him at times, hes probably shaken up inside and just feels incredibly lucky to have you in his life. I don't think its an issue of him not being interested, he sounds like hes so appreciative of what he has that it scares him.

You mentioned that he doesn't have all his financial ducks in a row, people, especially Americans put far too much emphasis on money and what it means. Everything we own is a status symbol in our culture, and age doesn't seem to alleviate the belief. He's probably a little embarrassed about his situation and fearing you may think less of him for it. I think the best thing you can do is just be yourself and continue doing what you're doing. Making him feel like he has to meet standards in the position hes in wont help and you are aware of it.

P.S. All the important connections are there to have a strong relationship, the money and looks mean nothing as they can change in the course of one day. The happiest couples are often just regular middle class people who have the strong mental, physical and emotional bonds.....money, looks and status are eye candy, nothing more.

[Aeradalia]

I have been open and honest with him, letting him know how I feel and what I think in regards to him. He has told me about his financial woes and his sense of lost 'sex appeal' and said that he was being 'brutally honest'. When he had finished with saying these things... I told him I was being brutally honest as well in that I don't care about his financial state or his appearance. I stand by what I said... I really could care less... I just want him.

As for him feeling shaken up inside, I can believe it. I guess the best course of action would be to keep everything steady... as it is now and hope that time will help. Perhaps he needs time to realize that I'm not going anywhere... that I'm not going to leave (unless he wants me to). At the same time, maybe he's been turned down in the past for not 'having it together' financially and possibly otherwise? Maybe this is one of the reasons for feeling inadequate... that he knows that in the past what he had to offer seemingly wasn't enough... and now he thinks the same way with me?

If he's so appreciative of what he has that it scares him... isn't that counterproductive? What we have isn't perfect.. and lord knows, I'm not perfect either. He's deserving of so much more than he gives himself credit for... I just wish he could see that.

I don't want him to feel like he has to meet standards... but I do wish he could see that if I did have 'standards' that were unique to me, then he would've already met them. He's even asked me if he disappointed me... I told him no. I told him that he could never disappoint me. He's done so much more for me in these last few months than anyone else has ever done for me. I feel like I'm capable of anything, that I'm a better person, and that what I think and feel really matter. If anyone should feel appreciative... it should be me.

Is there any way I can help him see that money and looks aren't everything? Help him see that I sense something here that is more important than shallow, trivial things like finances and appearances... I'm willing to help work together for a better life, rather than demand perfection from another.

(Forgive me if I was starting to get a little carried away... I did start to get a little emotional.)

[vashti]

Why is he in financial ruin? Was he irresponsible, or did he have some unforseen hardships?

Honestly, a man wouldn't have to be rich (for me), but he would have to be responsible. Maybe he is trying to send you a legitimate warning.

[Aeradalia]

At some point, his sister needed help. She lived with him for a time, then caused damages to his apartment and he was forced to 'kick her out' and pay for repairs (since they exceeded the deposit). She made credit card purchases with his cards.. but he was able to have that handled in civil court. He co-signed for his sister to help her purchase a car. The details are a little hazy, but from what I gather... she damaged the car and refused to pay any more on it. So the responsibilities for the car have fallen to him. Needless to say, his sister and him are no longer on good terms. I think this all happened a few years ago.

In other financial matters, he pays his bills and rent on time... his job affords him the ability to pay for two vehicles... and some simple luxuries.

He seems like a fairly responsible person, but had to learn the hard way to not trust his sister. I've asked him if he had helped his sister before... he said yes, but didn't think she was capable of all this.

[Cbrider]

At some point, his sister needed help. She lived with him for a time, then caused damages to his apartment and he was forced to 'kick her out' and pay for repairs (since they exceeded the deposit). She made credit card purchases with his cards.. but he was able to have that handled in civil court. He co-signed for his sister to help her purchase a car. The details are a little hazy, but from what I gather... she damaged the car and refused to pay any more on it. So the responsibilities for the car have fallen to him. Needless to say, his sister and him are no longer on good terms. I think this all happened a few years ago.

In other financial matters, he pays his bills and rent on time... his job affords him the ability to pay for two vehicles... and some simple luxuries.

He seems like a fairly responsible person, but had to learn the hard way to not trust his sister. I've asked him if he had helped his sister before... he said yes, but didn't think she was capable of all this.

This doesn't sound like a person in financial ruin of any sorts, I think hes overly concerned and looking down on himself.

[carl1222]

I think the strain of his externally caused problems has caused him to feel so worthless and out of control that he just can't see his inevitably happy future with you right now.

They say "true love" is a verb (an action), more than a feeling ... everything else is infatuation. I have no doubt you truly love him (as a verb).

He seems like a decent guy. Keep loving him as you have. If his depression turns chronic get him help. No, he hardly needs you out of the way to be happy! Stay with him.

Carl.

[Cbrider]

I think the strain of his externally caused problems has caused him to feel so worthless and out of control that he just can't see his inevitably happy future with you right now.

They say "true love" is a verb (an action), more than a feeling ... everything else is infatuation. I have no doubt you truly love him (as a verb).

He seems like a decent guy. Keep loving him as you have. If his depression turns chronic get him help. No, he hardly needs you out of the way to be happy! Stay with him.

Carl.

I was thinking the same thing, just couldn't figure out how to say it.