sex and religion

[jrp1588]

I'm a 20 year old male, and I've been dating my girlfriend of the same age for about 3 years. When we first started, things were great as they often are. Things were perfect, and as a side benefit, we would have sex almost every day. Things calmed down after a while, maybe to a few times a week, which is enough for me. Things stopped being perfect, we'd argue every now and then about normal relationship stuff...spending time with friends vs the girlfriend and whatnot. But overall things were still very good.

A couple months ago she threw me a curveball. After almost 3 years of fairly regular sex, she decided to go abstinent. She's always been fairly religious, which I respect, but we've always said that since we really love each other, and will probably get married someday, it's ok. Apparently when we make love it makes her feel like a bad christian. I am not religious, and I was not prepared for this at all.

I try to be understanding. I love her with all my heart, and frankly I couldn't live with myself if I broke up with her over sex. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a 20 year old man, and my hormones often get the better of me. Sometimes when the mood strikes I can't help but to try to put on the moves...knowing full well she'll probably deny me. Then when she inevitably says no, I try to take it as best I can, but I'm frustrated. I sigh or grumble a little. She then completely shuts down assuming I am furious with her or something. When she's like this I simply cannot get her out of it...she simply won't talk to me, and if she does, she won't speak out of anything but hurt. This makes me shut down, and things inevitably snowball.

The past month or so she's decided she can't even cuddle with me or 'make out' with me because it tends to get me in the mood, which eventually starts a fight. I can deal with no sex...barely, but I feel like recently she's just completely shut herself off to me.

For the most part the rest of the relationship is still ok, but this has certainly carried over beyond the bedroom. We fight about it at least once a week...and I think she's getting tired of it. I really think she's going to break up with me if things don't get better.

I've tried explaining to her that if she can just gently tell me no without getting so upset, we probably wouldn't have such a problem...but she simply won't hear it. I never thought I would feel so wrong for being attracted to my own girlfriend.

I'm desperate...I don't know what to do anymore...and I'm not even sure if this post made much sense beyond a stream of consciousness rambling. let me know if anything needs clarifying

[vashti]

It sounds like you two do not share a value system, and this is a big problem in the making. You are tryingto fit a square ped into a round hole. How long do you plan to continue before you admit it just won't work?

Sex is just the beginning, BTW. If she is devout, she will want you to convert before you marry and have kids. Religion is an all-encompassing aspect of a religious person's life, and it doesn't sound like this is the life you were cut out for.

Sorry, I doubt that is what you wanted to hear.

[jrp1588]

well, we've discussed that. She would prefer it if I were christian, but I've made it clear that it is something I cannot do. We decided that fairly early in the relationship and it hasn't really been a problem.

[Junket]

It will be a problem.

Obviously, because it already is.

How would she raise kids when she has a different moral system than you do?

Sorry man, but different opinions on sex are just as good a reason to break up with someone as any other.

[jrp1588]

well, pretty much the only the only point of morality that we really disagree on is sex. I would want my kids to make their own decisions on that. I imagine she'd want to raise them christian, I have no problem with that. people will believe what they want, as long as they don't try to force their opinion on me.

I really don't think I could break up with her just over sex. I just want her to be able to talk to me about it without overreacting.

[Junket]

What is there to talk about?

She doesn't want sex, and you do.

You're silly if you think you're about to reason your way back into her pants.

And mind you, somebody is forcing their opinion on you. It's your girlfriend, she's clearly telling you, you won't have sex so long as you're not married to her.

[Aeradalia]

Religion is one aspect of a person's value system. It really isn't possible for a religious person to be with a someone secular or of another religion... no matter how accommodative you may be. Eventually you will get tired of fighting for your right to be yourself, or tired of being something she wants you to be. Sex is only the beginning. Just as you want your children to form their own beliefs... she will want to instill in them all the values of Christianity without any regard to what you may have to offer your children. You may say you're ok with this now, but I have seen marriages end almost immediately over differences of parenting.

You will not be able to convince her to modify her beliefs and neither can you truly give up your own. The differences in this relationship are much too extreme for both to compromise and be happy with the result. You will always feel like you're losing or she will. And this will just breed resentment over time. It would be best to move on and find someone with a similar belief and value structure as yourself.

[jrp1588]

probably all good advice. It's just really hard to follow through on. I really do love her, and I know you guys say it's justified and for the best, to me it still seems like I'd be breaking up with her over sex. But I agree, it can't continue like it has been going.

[jrp1588]

street evangelist? Are those the people that pass out pamphlets telling me I'm a bad person? hah

She's not nearly so conservative as all that. She's generally pretty accepting of other ways of life, even homosexuality. It kind of confuses me that she would be so liberal in some ways and conservative in others.

But yeah, assuming she became a street evangelist I'd probably have to break it off. Generally people that damn me to eternal hellfire because I have different opinions don't get to be my friend.