The feelings you experience in a break-up (very long but worth it!)

[swargolet]

Well I found this article online and it is actually quite helpful in recognizing what you are going through and what you can do to deal with it. Taken from "Getting Past Your Past http://GettingPastYourPast.wordpress.com" Author: Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed

There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.

The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.

Phase One: Shock and Disbelief

Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.


To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.

Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment

If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.

Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.

This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary. Don’t think that just because you can’t think of anything else that there is anything wrong with you or that you’ll never get over it. You will.

During this time journal about it, talk about it, walk the floors and wring your hands, curse the process but let it happen. Avoid getting in touch with the ex to share any little insightful nuggets you may come up with. It’s not worth it and it only postpones the process.

Devastation

Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.

If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.

If you are feeling your feelings, you might feel devastated and unable to cope. You feel deep sorrow and searing emotional pain whether or not the breakup was a good thing or not. Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.

Disorganization and Confusion

After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.

Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. For the grief process to be successful, emotion must be expressed, and the disorganization and confusion tolerated as a normal response. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.

The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion. Recognize that you are accident-prone, and take care, especially when driving. People should not drive drunk, but often they should not drive when they are grieving. You might not be okay to drive on a day-to-day basis, or some days might be worse than others. Recognize when you’re not capable of driving, and be responsible toward yourself and toward others on the road. They didn’t do anything to you; they don’t deserve to be hurt because you’re not being responsible.

There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.

Anger

After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.

If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.

Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.

These are ways to deal with anger:

1. Write to the people you are angry with, including your parents and former lovers, just make sure you don’t send the letters.
2. Talk to friends.
3. Talk to your therapist.
4. Hit a heavy bag.
5. Smash old dishes.
6. Exercise.

There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.

Guilt

Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.

There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you made a really horrible mistake, if you did something really terrible, doing this work and healing yourself and taking responsibility for your actions is the most important form of amends that you can make to yourself and others.

Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.

[swargolet]

Searching

After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.

Even people who have experienced the death of a loved one experience the urge to search. They will look for a deceased person in a crowd or find themselves dialing them on the phone. This is a normal and natural part of the grief process where the mind tries to suspend reality and put things back the way it was.

When the person is alive and there was a breakup, this is often when people will try to open up communications with the ex. Recognize that the urge to search is part of the grieving process and you should not act on it. When you are pining and searching, you are in a temporary state and anything you say now can and will be held against you at a later date.

It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.

The desire to search for and recover that which has been lost is a very primal desire and it feels like a compulsion or an impulse that must be acted upon. Don’t do it. It’s not going to help. Tolerate the searching feelings without reaching back. It gets better if you don’t give into the searching behavior. Sit with it and know that it passes and that it gets better.

You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.

You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.

[Hope]

Thank you swargolet. Yeah this article helps ...

[Gigabitch]

This is a really good article. Thanks, swarg!

[swargolet]

No Problem everyone. This was extremely helpful for me. Yes people have told me these things but no one really explained it like this person does.
It still all comes down to self control and if you can utilize the information provided here. That is my problem right now.
At least it is good to know that it WILL get better. That is probably the best thing to think about. Looking forward to the days when everything is all right if not better.

[Muffin Princess]

Thanks for posting this.
This is the first time I've had to grieve over someone, I've been lucky enough never to have someone close to me die or have anyone break up with me, so I need all the help I can get right now. I'm feeling all these feelings of loss and despair that the article mentions and can't understand how any normal person can go through and get out the other side in one piece. I know that most people have felt pain like this before, and I'm impressed with the human race in general if everyone can find the strength to carry on after something as devastating and crushing as losing the one you love.
Reading this made me realise that I am normal and it's good to know I'm not going mad. Although, I wasn't pleased to find out that I'm still in stage one, denial and keeping friendly with my ex, and that I apparently still have most of the pain and grief to come. I'll try and be prepared for it.

[lost1976]

Thanks. My heart's been hurting so much. Its been a year and I wonder if its normal for me to feel this sad. Your post helps in saying that its ok to have fallen apart. The trouble is I am a guy and everyone says guys are not supposed to be this emotional.

[swargolet]

Guys CAN feel emotional. I absolutely hate that view. If you dont feel comfortable being emotional in front of people it is perfectly OK to be emotional in the privacy of your room.

Remember everyone takes different amount of time to move on, but there are certain things you can do to make it easier, and that is why I posted this article. It helps sort some things out.

[lost1976]

Well the thing is that I have gone through these phases a few times the last 1 year. It seems I move on and then after a few days go back to being miserable. I am just running in circles, not being able to move on. THis summer I thought I was ok and was actually enjoying myself. But then a few weeks later it was misery all over again.

[swargolet]

I havent gone through even close to a year so I have no clue what you are going through but I'll try my best. I have gone through about 2 weeks of it (yes 1/26th of yours) but I have also cycled through a lot of these.

I personally believe I am getting over this a lot better than I should be. Are you dwelling too much on the past and what happened? Maybe you are thinking about the times you had with your gf?
The thing that is helping me most is just trying to change up my routine. I used to constantly play video games and watch TV, instead I'm going out with friends going on shopping trips alone, talking to people. Also I plan on changing colleges since then I'll not only have a new school but a whole new social life and just everything will be different. When my dad went through his divorce he went around the whole house and painted the walls, changed furniture etc...
Also I dont know if you do this, but dont looks at pictures of her, dont listen to her voice, dont listen to songs that remind you of her. Yes many time these things will bring joy to you for a couple of seconds, but then you will just feel bad. My gf and I had a song and I have not listened to that song since we broke up because I know it will just hurt me.

Have you tried dating again? Maybe try to meet some new people. It doesnt have to be strictly girls, many time meeting new guy friends will open up a door to a whole new set of people and events. Yes dating again is hard but you might quickly find something you like in that person and then next thing you know you have strong feelings for them and you completely forgot about your ex. Even if that doesnt happen you still went out and had a good time with someone new.

I highly suggest you start a thread of your own if you havent already, that way more people can offer advice. I'm sure many others on this forum have gone through something similar.

[lost1976]

I did start a theread of my own and didnt get much response.

I am a strng guy (I think) but now I am utterly lost. She broke up with me in January and even last night I woke up at 3am with pain in my heart.

I have gone thourgh therapy. I started running competitively. I started taking guitar lessons. I have dated 2 women. I excelled at work, got bonus, raise.

But my heart is badly broken. I have done so much and have tried to be so strong but my heart hurts.

I said to her, you are the love of my life, and she said to me, what if you are wrong? what do you say to something like that?

Sometimes I feel angry that she led me on just to go away. Other times I start wondering how bad a person I must be for her to leave me.

When I talk to guy friends they tell me that women think this way, not men. So I cant talk to them. I cant talk to my family as to them everything is God's will and I should just pray and ask God to heal me.

I made mistakes when she broke up with me whcih also hurt me very much. For example, when she was breaking up with me I begged and cried. I begged her to stay. She would let me beg for several minutes and then would say, no. Then I got angry and I said, I will get over you. Then in anger and despar I said, if you leave me now, do not ever contact me again. THis is because she had broken up with me in the past too and I was getting very emotional being a yo-yo emotionally. Then a few weeks later I showed up at her work place and asked if I could see her. She had one of her guy friends call me to tell me that she wanted to separate and that I had scared her terribly by showing up at her work.

You see I am not that guy who stalks. Maybe every stalker says that. But when we were in love she would often say how one day she would track me down if we had separated and wouldnt leave me door until I let her in.

When she broke up with me she stopped al contact. So I never really got any closure. Then she went on a vacation with a guy friend - a vacation that we had planned.

in short, a lot happened the last one year to drive me crazy. And I kept strong but I am not that strong.

I feel angry that she told me that she loved me. I had everything going. She loved my looks, I am a very well educated guy, I make a handsome living, I am very caring.

I just have no closure because I dont know why she left. She wouldnt tell me. She just said to me, I am not sure about us. She said, I was sure about us at times. She said that she couldnt think of anythng any man could offer her that I didnt.

And after a couple of weeks of break up she mentions to a friend that she is happy. Then I think within 2 months she was dating someone and thats the guy she vacationed with too.

Its damaged me badly. My self esteem etc. But the wrst part is I lost faith in women. Do women really love? My love is mature i that I want a simple life, responsible living, enjoy it, plan it, take care of my lady.

God I wish I will find some comfort some day because I have nightmares on a consistent basis. Sometimes I wish I wasnt alive.

[swargolet]

Although it sounds like you are older than me and your relationship was stronger than mine was with my ex, it still sounds similar to why we broke up but she gave me a reason.

She told me she just lost feelings, and I think in your case it is as simple as that. You said this "She just said to me, I am not sure about us." That right there is saying that she lost feelings and she isn't sure where she wants to take things. Also she is probably still young at heart and she wants to get out there and explore.
On the other hand... She very well might have still had feelings for you at the end of the break-up which is why she kept her distance. She probably knew that it was best for her to go through the break-up just to do her own thing.
I really dont think you did anything horribly wrong for all this to happen. People change and move on it is a part of life. It just sucks that it takes longer for some people to move on because those are the people that suffer the most.

You will move on and find someone else. I'm sorry to hear how long you've been hurting. Just keep an open mind, positive attitude and get out there yourself and explore.

[and_for_what]

To you two above - yea, same here, basically.

I wonder how the supposed gender emotional roles have become completely reversed when they're expressed in abstract (in the media and fiction). From what I've experienced myself, seen in my gf (alright, ex-gf if I must), and read on these forums, real men and women are almost completely opposite to their conventional/traditional/'fictional' portrayals.

I wonder if women ever really "love" their man - or if that sensation is reserved for their children, perhaps? Maybe it is up to the man to love her, and for her just to accept him.

[Mish]

I wonder if women ever really "love" their man - or if that sensation is reserved for their children, perhaps? Maybe it is us to the man to love her, and just for her to accept him.

This left me with some uneasy thoughts. I believe women love their men, though I suspect their feelings are more susceptible to change.

[Muffin Princess]

I don't know why you think women don't love their men. I loved my ex completely and totally (in fact I still do love him). I don't think women would stay in relationships if they were just 'accepting' the other person. Why do you think women don't love their men?