A new victim, and a new customer in this society-break up experience

[Blackey]

So where should i start, about a month ago, my (ex) girlfriend at the time, dumped me after almost 10 months of dating. prior to dating i knew her for 5 years, we were really good friends...she would talk to me about everything and i would always help her, ( she got the type of personality that needs to talk about everything and very emotional,
im the type of a person who likes to listen and talk just about anything) so for 5 years we were really great friends, and even while she had boyfriends, she was trying to hit on me and was trying to sedecue me sexually, but at the time, i never seen in her anything else but a friend, perhaps the fact that she was always with some1 mad me reject her every time...
I dont know... but this is how it went for 5 years.. then she got married, and that was the time when i decided to stop talking to her because of a couple of reasons, mostly becasue we did not have much in common...
She could talk only about sex and relationships..and it was getting boring for me and maybe unconciously i had some feelings for her and thats why i decided not to talk to her, but at the time i did not feel anything towards her.
Anyway, after about 6 months of not talking to her (at the beginning she called me and tried to contact me but i completely ignored her) she called me, she was devastated and depressed,
she was getting through a rough time of divorce, and for the whole time she did not have anyone to talk to, which made it even more depressing for her.
So she called me and asked me to go to the gym...for some reason this time i agreed to meet up...we went to the gym...sat there for like 3 hours, she told me about everything that happend and how misrable she was in her marriage and without me, i'll be honest despite of continuesly ignoring her for these 6 months, i was asking our common friends about her every now and then. Anyway after this day, we decided to go the next day to the gym again, after the gym, she suggested to go eat somewhere, so we went to a restaurant.
In the end of the evening, we just stopped in a far away spot just to talk, suddenly she kissed me, for the first time in these 5 years, i actually let her kiss me, and that was amaizing...
I dont understand why was i avoiding it for these 5 years... anyway we started to date officially, she was crazy about me and so thankful that i was back in her life, as she said i was the only person who could actually mentally balance her and she could trust me with anything, But me , for the first 5 months saw her more of a friend,
and did not really have solid love feelings, but something more like "liking the person a lot" after the 6'th month i started to notice a change, i was constantely thinking about her, i missed her when she was gone, wanted to talk to her every day, i could not go to sleep unless i heard her voice and i realized that i might have fallen in love with her, and that was extremely wierd for me, im 24 years old, i've been dating for almost 10 years and never in my life i had a relationship lasted for more than 2 months and never i had any feelings for any of these girls.
It was all really nice untill she decided that she can not live with her parents anymore and she wants to move out and how much she wants me to move out with her, she already graduated and have a solid job while im still a student at the university so its much more easier for her to move out, while for me it ment to go study part time and to work in a shitty place such as a grocery store or something full time to afford to pay the bills.
I didnt want to lose her but I also wanted to finish my school before moving and so we spent the next 5 montsh arguing about this issue. At times when it was getting too much i would think to myself that in the worst case, i would just leave her and forget about her, i knew that she needed me more than i needed her, and besides I always considered myself as a mentally very storng person, usually i would forget about people such as people i used to date and even best friends in no time.
for the last 2 months of our relationship she kept on repeating that if im not gonna move out with her she will find some1 else to live with, but i didnt take it that seriously partly beacuse i knew that she needs me emotionally and partly because i was annoyed about our fightings. anyway on the 10'th month i was working and studying at the same time and sometimes i would see her 2 times in 2 weeks, and she got really frasturated, then suddenly i got into a car accident,
we talked on that day, but on the next couple of days i didnt call her, i was waiting for her to call me, just to see if she really care about me, she did not call me for like 3 days, and i really needed to talk to her, but i was waiting for her to call.
On the 4'th day i called, and she told me that its over, she told me that she found someone else, and now she already live with this person, i dont know why, but it was a huge shock, i was ruined, devastated, lost, confussed, depressed (i've never been depressed in my life, never ever, im a really happy and positive guy all of the time, and i NEVER let emotions control me), and i thought that i could not live without her.
for the first couple of weeks i was a complete mess and i was depressed,
i did every mistake that u just can do when breaking up, i called her non stop, smsed her, wrote her on facebook how much im lost and weak without her and how much i need her (for the first time in my life emontions were controlling me, never has it happend before) she just ignored me, hanged up on me,
didnt want to talk to me, and never replied, which made me feel much worst since i didnt know what is going on, and in addition, i was begging for help from her, and after 6 years of me constantely helping her (i would literely stay with her on the phone for like 2 hours till 3 am when i had school or work in the morning just to disscuess her problems) she seems like she doesnt even care about me,
i never in my life asked helped from her, and now, when i was in the biggest problem of my life, she rejected me and didnt want to talk to me, all i needed from her was just to talk to her, it would make me feel so much better when i felt like shit, and yet she did not care about me, how does it happen? how do u stop carring about a person u've been in loved and who helped u so much in 6 years without asking anything back? that was the part that hurt me the most, and kept me down.
I was not prepared to any of these symptoms, all of my other break ups were very easy on me and i forgat them within a day or 2, it was the first time i actually got a broken heart and i completely did not know what to do with it, I was reluctent to speak to my friends about it cuz i NEVER speak about my problems to any1, i love to listen to other people's problems but i never disscuss mine, so i kept it all inside but it was so overwhealming and i couldnt take it anymore.
I started to talk to my friends about it, and it helped a lot, its a completely new experience for me, to talk about my problems to other prople but it helped like a magic, we have been broken up for a months, and since then i do not spend more than 20 minutes in my house, i always go out somewhere, gym, friends, just to the mall, i found it also to be helpful, i found that buying new stuff also somewhat helps, i have a pretty decent saving amount and i spent a decent amount out of it on new cloths and stuff and just indulging myself with anything i would want (whereas before i would save and i never needed anything meterialistic, i would spend most of my money on my ex girlfriend, it made me really happy just to take her to a restaurant or buying her flowers or anything).
It has been a month since we broke up and if i compare the first week which was a living hell and i even though of doing something stupid (never has it happend before) to the fourth week (now) its like earth and sky, i feel much better, largely thanks to my friends who were very supportive, i never knew that talking to others about problems can help so much, and partly to google, since for the whole month i've been on every breaking up website just to learn how to overcome a break up and how to heal,
I feel like i was a baby before the break up and i never knew what is a real pain before i got dumped, by somebody who i never thought that we would be together. I still think about her for most of the day, although now i have strategies to fight it, every time i would think about her, it would usually be a good memory, so in the moment i think about her, i would manipulate my mind to think of bad things that she has done to me, such as fights, or her not being caring enough or her being stupid and not able to hold an interesting conversation and such.
Another annoying thing that I found is that i dream about her pretty much every night, and it really frasturates me, cuz im trying to get rid of her but she keeps coming back in my dreams, and usually its a good dream about us being together, although i really want to move on, there is a big fight in me right now, my logic versus emotions, the emotions wants her back badly, but the logic say that it is over, it would never go back to be the way it was before, so there is no point of going on with this relationship,
usually my logic defeat emotions in most of the cases, but this one is a tough one where logic has much less strengh than emotions and desires. Another thing is that since the day we broke up, my biological clock got kind of screwed up, every morning, regardless of what time im going to sleep, i keep on waking up at 8 am, im trying to tackle this problem from a scientifical point of view and trying different methods of relaxation and different stuff, but there is no way i would turn to meds,
i believe that its all in my head and i can turn it the other way around. So up untill today i thought that im doing really good when it comes to progress, up untill i saw her in the gym today, the emotions just overflew me, i did not approach to talk to her since i swore myself that never in my life i gonna speak to her again, so after she saw that i was ignoring her, she just came up to me and said "hows everything", i just said "cool" and walked away without even looking at her, afterwards i felt really bad , as if i went back to the second week or so and that the whole progress is gone, so right now im trying to fix my head, going out with friends soon, its probably gonna help.
One thing that i do not understand untill now, maybe if there are any girls/women here they could explain it to me:
1) how could u completely stop caring about a person who u were in love with and were friends for 6 years, who helped you for all of this time without asking anything back, how could you deny this person of help when he hits the biggest crisis of his life? how can u do this?

2)How is it that she is dealing with the break up so easily (she already has some1 and she lives with this person) when the other person is broken hearted and suffering, i mean doesnt she have any emotions left anymore ? or is it that it helps so much to have a new partner that you just forget about the old one?

[SamFrmMelbourne]

Can you please use paragraphs? It would make it easier for the post to be read and you would get more responses.

[IncognitoSir]

seriously, I know you're new, but you have to use paragraphs.....nobody is gonna respond to your wal of letters here, sorry.

[ricerocket1]

whoaaa there nelly, i try to read your story...i am not reading that...break it down for me

[cmacattack1]

Well from what I read, the gist of it was that she bounced around from relationship to relationship, got married, etc. and had you. And it was all out of need. Remember you said she needed you more than you needed her? And how it wasn't attractive for you? And how she had somebody else and you came back to her with your need, begging, saying how weak you are without her? And you wonder why she just stopped caring and kicked you to the curb? This is laws of attraction in motion buddy.

Relationships should not be based on need. What we find attractive is a strong independance in somebody, somebody that can get the job done. When you are needy, you are sending a negative message. You NEED to give this to me because I NEED it regardless of how you feel, you have to do this for me. It's the definition of being selfish.

I've done everything you've done, with the begging, overattention and everything. And my gal is now with somebody else. I know you feel helpless and that without them you have a huge void in your life. But you do not want her to come back to you out of guilt or pity because it would not work because relationships are not based on that. They are based on attraction and that isn't attractive.

I'm sorry you had to find this out the hard way, the reason why she's bounced around and kicked you to the curb with little emotion is that she is very dependant on somebody to be her crutch and be there for her. And it didn't matter who, there were so many interchangable parts. It was wrong of her to ask you to move out and live with her so you could be there for her. She needed somebody to be there, regardless of the inconvienience to you. That is not love, that is not consideration, that is pure selfishness. I hope you can take this to heart and see her for what she is instead of wallowing in confusion. This shouldn't take any self worth away from you, she was selfish and manipulative. Don't get me wrong, you made plenty of mistakes too, but until she is on her own and can support herself and stand on her own two feet, she will continue to live like this. There isn't much you can do she is going to have to learn this on her own. It will take her losing something really important for the message to hit home (i.e. getting dumped on her ass). Don't be suprised if she pops up in the future either but you should be extremely cautious as you can now see her for who she is.

[amki]

cmacattack1 has this exactly right, Blackey. From the woman's point of view, I confirm that.

This girl is so immature, so emotionally unstable, so insecure that, honestly, she doesn't belong in a relationship at all. Her 'credentials' essentially guarantee failure.

You have been her friend only (before getting into a romantic relationship), and I would suggest that if she ever tries to come back to you that you try to remain her friend only and deal with her compassionately.

You sound like a gentle person who might be able to help her to see what she is doing to herself--and why--and what she is doing to others, as well.

[Blackey]

Thank you very much guys for your comments you made me feel much better, u guys are right, and i guess i knew it all along, its just when u r emotionally involved with someone, you try to hide the bad characteristics and emphesize the good ones,
the process is a psychological process called idealization, and Amki, even if she will fall hard and try to come back to me
, I swore never to talk to her again, regardless of how heavy she will sink into troubles, even if she would lye dying in a hospital, i would never raise my hand to help her

[Blackey]

By the way, i as i mentioned, i saw her in the gym today, i did not approach her, so eventually she was the one to approach me, and asked me "how are you", for which i replied "cool" and just walked away, as much as i wanted to talk to her about everything.
Because of the fact that we go to the same gym, i guess i will see her every now and then, so you think that it would be a good idea just to try and constantely ignore her and walk away from her, or should I try and talk to her? Would ignoring her and walking away every time she would come my way make me look less weak, and would it help the general healing process of overcoming her?

[cmacattack1]

You don't have to go out of your way to be rude to her, but you don't owe her anything either. It all depends on how you feel. If it hurts and you don't feel like talking to her, than you don't need to. What happens in terms of you and her aren't important because it isn't you and her anymore. It's just you. If you want to keep it open in terms of future reconciliation, maybe you shouldn't completely ignore her, but this early on I don't think it's a problem if you are really hurting and if you are like me you aren't a good liar about how you feel. Some people can exude that confidence and act like everything's alright, and ultimately that's what you want to do. I can't but it's been three months since I last talked to me ex and I feel alot better about everything.

[amki]

Thank you very much guys for your comments you made me feel much better, u guys are right, and i guess i knew it all along, its just when u r emotionally involved with someone, you try to hide the bad characteristics and emphesize the good ones,
the process is a psychological process called idealization, and Amki, even if she will fall hard and try to come back to me
, I swore never to talk to her again, regardless of how heavy she will sink into troubles, even if she would lye dying in a hospital, i would never raise my hand to help her

Blackey, you won't get over her until you quit harboring all of that anger. The goal is indifference.

Frankly, it sounds like she's doing a lot better than you are. She was able to come over to you at the gym and ask a simple 'How are you?' She didn't start an argument and didn't try to get personal.

[Blackey]

new now, and she lives with this guy, so i guess when you have someone else, it makes it much more easier for you to forget about the other person... besides, the more time goes by, I believe that she rather used me for her own selfish purposes such as providing her emotional support all the time, and be there for her all the time, and then, she selfishly kept on repeating that she wants to move out (despite of me still being a university student and unable to do it at the moment) she also said that if im not going to move out with her, she will find someone else.
I didnt really believe it because i felt that she was really dependent on me, and i also thought at the time that she loves me and we will deal with this dispute somehow.
And then suddenly when i got into a car accident she left me for someone else, right at the time when i felt bad, and from this moment on, it seems like she doesnt care about me at all, despite of 6 years of friendship, me constantely helping her when she needed help, and an amaizing relationship that lasted for 10 months.
So as the time pass by, i believe more and more that she didnt love me, but she loved the fact that i was always been there for her and always helped her, and once i told her that i could not move with her at the moment because of my struggles, (that i couldnt satisfy her selfish desires) she just moved on to the next person, and the funny thing is that she has been friends with this person for also quiet a while, and she never thought that they will be together (she told me about this person when we were still together) , and this person bought a house recently, so he already graduated, has a stable job, and a house...
and the first time we talked after the break up, she said that now she is in love with this person, whereas beforehand this person was just a friend and she never looked at him as a prospective mate.
So all of these make be believe that she was using me and manipulating me to acheieve her on selfish desires, and perhaps now she is doing the same thing to the other guy, i dont know, or maybe she really loves him... i have no idea...im just so confussed...
and at the gym she was all calm and did not try to start any fights, just came to me and with a big smile asked me whats up... i dont know as if she was doing it on purpose to show me that now she is happy and it was all my lose that i did not move out with her, I just hope that in a year or so from now, once the new guy will get to know her, he will dump her and she will fall hard on her face, and then she gonna come to me , like she always did, and then i will be there for her to make sure that the fall is even more painful, and to be the one who makes fun of her and make her feel even worst, I really want it to happen.

[cmacattack1]

I wouldn't even listen to what she is saying. People can say all they want. My ex girlfriend bragged about how awesome the new guy was, but if he was so awesome why was she trying to tell me all about it? Trying to prove something doesn't prove anything.

It's unfair that girls can get away with anything because guys are much easier to replace. No matter what she tells you, it doesn't mean anything. She could be doing it out of hurt feelings, out of anger, out of spite, out of lots of things. And it's wrong. This is another reason why you have to cut all contact for the time being.